Where Is Home?

I’m lost.

I don’t know where I am but one thing is for sure, I don’t belong here. Nor I belong to other places I’ve been. I thought in the beginning that home is where I was, with my family but I was wrong. I didn’t belong there either. That’s why probably I always sneaked out the window when I supposed to be sleeping and play on my own instead of playing with my siblings. ย I like to be alone, even then.

Growing up I didn’t (and still don’t) understand these people. I feel that I have nothing in common with them. I have different moral and values. I don’t lie and cheat and I don’t believe in stealing. But I did what I was told to do, always. I even sold my soul to rescue them but it didn’t help. I think they are lost too.

We had too many houses. None of those we owned. We stayed only for awhile. We were gone before I could ever feel at home in any of those abodes. The same with places. We were always moving.

The longest I stayed in one place is with someone my family thought was/is the best for me, for them. I spent (wasted) twenty years of my life (youth) there. But it wasn’t home. During that time I felt I was on transit, that I was on my way to somewhere, that one day I was going to wake up and will find out that my life then was nothing but a long, long nightmare. It didn’t happen of course. I had to force myself to realize that nothing will change unless I take the crucial step. Eventually I did.

But not before I did all those things looking for home, for my rainbow connection. I thought I will find it during one of those adventures though I didn’t know that I was looking for it subconsciously, I thought I was having fun. Those choices have consequences, but I will gladly do it again. To have some respite is better than suffering continuously. I’m only human.

After I escaped I have chosen to find home in the most likely place, somewhere new, fresh, unspoiled, almost a fairy-tale. The perfect beginning of a new story. I thought: here I can start again.

But it is like incorporating Sinbad in a Cinderella story. You cannot mix water with oil. Feeling pain is better than feeling nothing. You might as well be dead. Is life really like this? Because everyday I wake up, the first thought that comes in my head is: this is it? Is that normal? I didn’t realize that home means boring. Too peaceful, too calm.ย 

Is there nothing in between two extremes? Why it have to be one thing or the other? Where is the gray area in this? Do I have to draw (color) it myself? Maybe I’m a gypsy, a nomad… Perhaps I am not really cut out for home, wherever that is…

ย 

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37 thoughts on “Where Is Home?”

  1. Home is what you make it. There are adjustments to be made in a lot of cases, but it can be done…even if they are not ideal. You have to live somewhere, so make the best of it.

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  2. I have once felt like that too. Having no sense of belonging, I have always felt the difference between the ‘house’ and the ‘home’. I have looked for home in different places too.
    I thought I found it in the place of my five-year-partner, but I was wrong.
    Even when I went to church before, I have felt that I am still not part of the congregation.. but it all changed.
    This may sound prude, but I think the best time I really feel like I’m home is when I truly pray.
    Well, all that said, I really hope you find that missing part in you. It’s a good post.

    ๐Ÿ™‚

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    1. I was born and raised catholic and came from a country where faith is everything and for almost five decades I hold on to that faith unwaveringly. Of all the things that happened to me I never blame anyone, not even God or myself. I never question anything just accepted things as they come. I lost that faith this year. I begun to have some doubts, look more closely at things and asking why bad things happened to unsuspecting good people and why evil doers thrive and live in prosperity going on with merry lives unpunished. God works in mysterious ways and everything happens for a reason they say. Well, it is very difficult to find any reason for what is happening around us lately nor to give any mysterious excuses for it. I don’t know…

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      1. I have seen your photos, are you a Filipina?
        Anyway, I think holding on to your faith goes a long way.
        Yes, there will be seasons that you feel like nothing ever goes right, and it just shuns out your stronghold on God, but even so, holding on to that little sparkle of hope and faith will surely go a long way. Have a good day! ๐Ÿ™‚

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      2. Yes, I am from the Philippines though I live here longer than my birth country.
        Hope is what remains when everything is gone and it is very difficult to forget a lifelong habit. Though I say I’ve lost my faith, I still catch myself praying without knowing I do. A pleasant day to you too.

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    1. Yeah. I like the idea of finding home within yourself. Like peace of mind. And happiness and contentment…

      I know a girl (not personally) who lives in Bulacan (Tawiran/Panasahan) and studied or studying in BSU. She’s 19 years old. Her name is Diane Javier. Maybe you know her?

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  3. I have spent my entire adult life on the run. I’ve gravitated to a place where I could stand still and quiet enough for my sould to catch up to my body. It took over a decade. Now that they are integrating again, it is a daily practice to keep them together. I so feel your words and your wandering. I keep having a flash, wondering how you feel about standing still?

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  4. I have known gypsy souls, though I have the opposite problem – I am very attached to my home for no other reason (I often think) than the quirk of fate of being born here. It isn’t a fancy place: just very simple. I worked away from home midweek for many years, and have often travelled, but I’m never more contented than when I’m at home.

    Don’t imagine it’s all good – I know my carrier pigeon nature holds me back and at times I try to resist it, but it never amounts to more than a bit of feeble flapping at my cage. And yes, I imagine people think my life is too boring, but I like peace and I like calm. I don’t think we can alter our natures.

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    1. Yes. People cannot change their innate nature. You’re a garden flower, I am a weed. You’re a caged bird, I was born in the wild. My aunt (by marriage) who was rich (she’s dead now) never been anywhere farther than her backyard and before I couldn’t understand why she didn’t spend all that money to travel the world. Now I realized that not all people are like me. Some are happy and content where they are and that is what important. Be happy and content where and who you are.

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