“Stephen kissed me in the spring,
Robin in the fall,
But Colin only looked at me
And never kissed at all.
Stephen’s kiss was lost in jest,
Robin’s lost in play,
But the kiss in Colin’s eyes
Haunts me night and day.”
“Stephen kissed me in the spring,
Robin in the fall,
But Colin only looked at me
And never kissed at all.
Stephen’s kiss was lost in jest,
Robin’s lost in play,
But the kiss in Colin’s eyes
Haunts me night and day.”
Years later, across a crowded room, our eyes will meet, linger even. Time will stop for a moment and our love, now past will flash before our eyes like a movie.
He was the man I loved for so many years. He held up my universe inside his pocket and picked up the stars so he could light up my night. I wanted to believe that he loved me too. Because he said so, in whispers, in screams, in his sleep, in his songs, in his eyes. For so many years, I let him invade my heart. He let me love him in my own selfish ways. We have so many misunderstandings we took a few days to settle and solve. And we have past mistakes that came up whenever we argue. He barely understood my own language but he studied it so he could see which part of me was vulnerable to hold.
If we are going to talk about endings, then probably that thing has been overused and was scratched too hard I felt numb. We broke up and we got back again. We stopped yet we started again. We paused yet we decided to keep going.
Yet, all endings always had its own severe ending. The one that makes you realize that it won’t come back. The one that makes you ache for silence because you know he won’t reach out. The ending that we all fear.
But I tried to move out and tried new places, without him. Without his shadow. Without his smile and grips and his voice that calms me down. I tried moving out and started collecting scattered dust until I could have my new universe again. I searched for him in someone else’s eyes and voice. I looked for him in someone else’s skin and smell. But I realized he was the only one. He was one of a kind that no matter how many times he hurts me, I could still take it. No matter how many times he forced me to leave, I’d still run as fast as I could in his snap of wave and flash of a smile.
I realized he never holds my universe rather he became my universe. That every time I hear the words love and pain, his face will appear crystallized.
Yet he found his new world.
He found it in you.
Now that you’re with him, you got to understand that he’s unpredictable and changes so often. But as long you could stay, please do.
I might be the girl he had as his dreams form. I might be the girl he got to watch his all-time favorite movies and the first who heard the songs he wrote as he strummed his guitar. I might be his first love as what he called it but you’re with him now.
And you will have him in ways I could never have. I am now a part of the past that will one day be forgotten.
Yet here you are, the one he sees spending the future with and the rest of his life with. The woman he sees growing a family with and pajama cuddles and morning coffees and the hand he’ll hold while traveling the world. The woman he sees sharing the same water bottle and beer-stained kisses, and teases under blankets or the hair he’ll play in his finger and the head that rests upon his chest when you sleep.
And he still has me,
more like a memory,
a told story,
an ending example.
But he has you,
more like a dream,
a vision of wedding aisle,
a wedding dress,
a mother to his children,
a body he comes home for,
a rocking chair,
He looks at you
the same way
I see him.
take care of him.
“It can be difficult to leave a long-term relationship, even when our inner-wisdom tells us it’s time to let go. At this point, we can choose let go and endure the intense pain of leaving behind the familiar to make way for a new chapter in our life. Or we can stay and suffer a low-grade pain that slowly eats away at our heart and soul, like emotional cancer. Until we wake up, one day and realize, we are buried so deep in the dysfunction of the relationship that we scarcely remember who we were and what we wanted and needed to be.”
― Jaeda DeWalt
1. “Depression is a battle between a body that fights with all its might to survive and a mind that wants to die.”
2. “People ask me what depression is like. I tell them it’s a lot like walking down a dark hallway, never really knowing when the light turn goes on.”
3. “Remember this: You weren’t put here to be depressed. To feel guilty, ashamed, unworthy or condemned. You were put here to be victorious.”
4. “I honestly don’t know what I want in life. I don’t even know what I want right now. All I know is that it hurts so much inside, and it’s eating me alive. One day, there won’t be anything left of me.”
5. “I honestly don’t like getting close to people. In my mind, they’re just going to walk out of my life anyway no matter how close we were.”
6. “Depression is an overwhelming feeling of numbness, and the endless desire for something – anything – to take you from one day to the next.”
7. “I smile to make everyone’s day, but the truth is that I’m crying on the inside.”
8. “I hate feeling like I’m here, but I’m really not; like someone cares, but they really don’t; like I belong anywhere but here.”
9. “Sometimes, you just need that one person to tell you that you aren’t as bad as you think you are.”
10. “Depression makes you feel like you want to just disappear from the world, but in reality, all you truly want is to be found.”
11. “I really wish that I could go back to a time when I would smile, and it didn’t take every fiber of my being to do it.”
12. “In my mind, depression is comparing your current reality to a fantasy about how you think your life should really be.”
13. “Sometimes, you just don’t know the true weight of what you’re carrying until the day you feel its release.”
14. “I just don’t want to hurt anymore. Is that so much to ask?”
15. “The very worst kind of sadness is the kind that doesn’t have an explanation.”
16. “When words can’t express the pain you’re feeling, you cry. That’s the heart’s way of expressing the pain.”
17. “You never want people to see you cry because you want to be strong. But you hate how nobody seems to notice that you’re completely broken and torn apart inside.”
18. “It’s hard to answer the question “what’s wrong?” when nothing is right.”
19. “Depression is that feeling when you’re not really sad – you just feel empty inside.”
20. “That’s the scary thing about depression: humans can survive just about anything as long as we can see the light at the end of the tunnel. But depression is sneaky and it continues to build up each day. Ultimately, it becomes impossible to see the light. The fog is like being trapped in a cage without a key.”
31. “Depression is like drowning and you can see everyone around you breathing.”
32. “I’m really tired of feeling hopeless and worthless. But above everything else, I’m just tired of being so tired.”
33. “My fingers text “I’m good”. My lips say “I’m okay”. My heart says “I’m shattered to pieces”.”
34. “Sometimes it’s better to be alone. That way, no one can hurt me.”
35. “I already know what it feels like to give up. Now, I want to see what it feels like not to.”
36. “Don’t ever allow your loneliness and pain to drive you into the arms of someone you know you shouldn’t be with.”
37. “I really want to be happy, but there’s something inside me that screams “you don’t deserve it!””
38. “This life was given to you because you’re strong enough to live it.”
39. “Flowers always grow back – even if someone stomps on them. So will I.”
40. “She’s just like the moon – part of her has always hidden away.”
41. “Sometimes, the sadness makes it hard to breathe. It gets hard to talk about your demons when they’re sitting on your lungs.”
42. “Depression, panic attacks and anxiety are not signs of being weak. They are signs that a person has been too strong for too long.”
43. “I am my own worst enemy. I’m the one who beats me up. I am the one who creates the monsters. I am the one who strips away my own confidence.”
44. “The bravest, strongest thing I ever did was continue on with my life even though I wanted to die.”
45. “I am stronger because I had to be. I am smarter because I’ve made mistakes. I am happier because I’ve been sad. I am wiser now because I’ve learned.”
46. “Depression is almost like a reverse nightmare. Instead of waking up from a nightmare and feeling relieved, I woke up into a nightmare.”
47. “I keep things inside because that’s the safest place to hide.”
48. “They never told me that monsters don’t actually sleep under your bed; they live in your mind.”
49. “How did I go from being a happy, care-free, laughing six-year-old to this?”
50. “Depression has a way of sneaking up on me when I think I’m flying high. It clips my wing, but not both because I will not let it take over every single piece of me.”
51. “I’m only now just learning how to smile. It’s really not as easy as it sounds.”
52. “I’m heartbroken and sad. I’m hurt and depressed. All I want to do is cry, but I don’t want to let this ruin my life.”
53. “Pain is emotional. Depression and fear are always in company with chronic hurting.”
61. “I think it’s time to stop keeping track of all my mistakes, and just forgive myself.”
62. “I don’t mind being alone. It’s the loneliness that I hate.”
63. “I hate it when I get flashbacks of things I don’t want to remember.”
64. “Sometimes, this overwhelming feeling of sadness just washes over me out of nowhere. I get upset and I feel discouraged. I feel sad, hurt and hopeless. I feel numb to the world.”
65. “People always comment on how sad and tired I look. Of course, I look sad and tired. I am sad and tired.”
66. “Why does it always seem like it’s raining down on me?”
67. “I think I’m just afraid to be happy. Every time I get too happy, something bad happens.”
68. “This is my heart. Do you know where I can get it fixed?”
69. “Please stop asking if I’m okay. I’m really tired of lying.”
70. “Do you ever feel like the people of the world just forget you exist and still have feelings?”
71. “Someday, this pain will all make sense to you.”
72. “I’m pretty sure that no one else could ever criticize me as viciously as I criticize myself.”
73. “I feel like everyone else is busy living their lives while I’m stuck here inside of this hole I can’t climb out of.”
74. “My past is constantly haunting me, and I just can’t seem to figure out how to let it go.”
75. “I feel completely lost in my own mind. I bottle up my emotions until I burst. It’s a vicious cycle.”
76. “She could never really tell who would leave or stay, so she just pushed everyone away. It was much easier that way.”
77. “Although things may seem like they’re falling apart, they may actually be just falling into place.”
78. “Everyone is searching for that one person whose demons play nice with theirs.”
79. “The scars may have healed, but that doesn’t mean that the pain has.”
80. “To heal a wound, you have to stop touching it.”
81. “How do you run away from – escape – your own mind?”
82. “I can’t sleep at night. I can’t wake up in the morning either.”
83. “My life is a constant battle between wanting to be left alone, but not wanting to feel lonely.”
84. “When you’re depressed, sleep isn’t just sleeping; it’s an escape.”
85. “Sometimes, I’m really afraid to open up to my friends about my anxiety and sadness because they’ll think I’m just looking for attention.”
86. “Don’t think for a second that my bad days are a sign of weakness. Those are the days that I’m actually fighting the hardest.”
87. “I’ve reached a point where everything is incredibly overwhelming. Even the smallest of tasks make me feel like breaking down and crying my eyes out. It’s all just too much to bear right now.”
88. “I feel like, secretly, everyone around me hates me.”
89. “I always feel like everyone is prettier, funnier, skinnier, better than me.”
90. “Oh, there’s a hell. Trust me – I’ve been there.”
91. “You may smile, but you really want to cry. You may talk, but you really want to be silent. You pretend that you’re happy, but you really aren’t.”
92. “When you’re depressed, you just keep going and going until you finally crash and break down about anything and everything.”
93. “Depression is a kind of tired that no amount of sleep in the world can fix.”
94. “I’m really not sure if I’m depressed. I mean, I’m not really sad. But late at night when I’m alone, I just forget how to feel.”
95. “There are some days when I feel like I’m on top of the world. And then the next day, it’s falling down all around me.”
96. “I keep all the hurt and pain inside because I would rather have it destroy me than everyone else around me.”
97. “I think people really have a hard time understanding how stressful it can be to try and explain all the things going on in your head when you can’t even understand it yourself.”
98. “There are times when I feel like I’m getting better. I’ll eat normally. I’ll laugh more and talk more. I’ll sleep better. But then it’s like something happens – like a switch turns off in my mind. And all of sudden, I’m left with just the darkness of my mind.”
99. “You can’t change the things that are going on around you until you change the things that are going on within you.”
100. “I am just not me anymore. And that scares me.”
101. “I just never get my hopes up. That way, I can never be let down.”
102. “I’ve had people tell me that my depression is all in my head. But why would I ever want to feel this way?”
103. “When you feel like you’ve reached the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and keep holding on.”
104. “Sometimes, it’s the one person who tries to make everyone else happy that is the loneliest of all.”
105. “The strongest people in the world are not the ones who win battles in front of us, but the ones who win the battles we know nothing about.”
106. “You know that moment when you can physically feel the pain in your chest when something breaks your heart?”
107. “I think most people don’t realize that there are a lot of people out there who expend a tremendous amount of energy just trying to be normal.”
108. “I tend to be silent when I’m really screaming inside.”
109. “I knew who I was this morning, but since then, I’ve changed a few times.”
110. “Every person has their own secret sorrows that they hide from the world. Oftentimes, we call people cold when they’re just sad.”
111. “When I feel anxious, it’s because I’m living in the future. When I feel depressed, it’s because I’m still living in the past.”
112. “I’ve finally realized that I just have to accept things the way they are. Life gets much easier when you do this.”
113. “There are times when I just want to run away and see if anyone misses me.”
114. “I always compare myself to every person I see, and I lose every single time.”
115. “I know first-hand what it’s like to be completely terrified of your own mind.”
116. “Each day, you wake up just to fight the same demons that left you feeling utterly exhausted the day before.”
117. “Please – do not mock or poke fun at a pain that you’ve never personally endured.”
~via Awesoroo by David Gorkonel
Don’t ever allow your loneliness and pain to drive you into the arms of someone you know you shouldn’t be with.
It took me three years to divorce him. I had to relinquish everything for him to sign. It was two years before I learnt to trust myself again. And another two before I dared trust anyone else. I still have trust issues… I still have nightmares… still run to the basin to wash myself… still check the bolt on every door…still jump out of my skin every time I hear a sound I don’t recognize… still sleep with a big knife under my pillow… I keep telling myself I’ve done the right thing and kudos to myself for having the courage to stand and fight back and eventually leave. Now all I have to do is believe I am safe.
Let me just first erase the thought in your mind that I am mad on you. No, I am not. In fact, I am glad he ended up being with you. Even though I don’t know you that much, I know you’ve got all the attributes that he likes. That is the very reason why he chose you over me.
You are very lucky for having him. He is a treasure, a rare one. He is sometimes naughty but let him be. He is just about to cuddle you. He is as sweet as candies, he is lovely as the day goes by, he is patient, my dear. He is ready to understand everything you demand… He is an ear to your nonsense dramas. He is a shoulder to cry on in pains. He is somehow quiet, but he’ll be the noisiest man on earth when saying how much he loves you. He is a man of few words, but a man with one word. He knows how to keep his promises… That’s why I am thinking: why he left me? He won’t just be your boyfriend, but your friend, the very best one, your knight in shining armor, your superman, your living diary, your handkerchief. He is a complete package.
But most of all, he will be your man. Strong enough to hold you, dauntless to fight for you, you’ll be his kryptonite.
Take care of him, sweetheart. I may have caused him so much pain, I may have caused him so much ache but I have loved him above all. Don’t worry, I know I am not his happiness now. And if happy is not me, I have to let him go…
Things just didn’t work out on us. I do hope in the two of you will. And it might kill me watching your hearts collide, but I’ll wholeheartedly accept.
Keep him for he is for keeps. Take care of him for he’s too much vulnerable. Be patient with him for he is a child at heart.
Listen to him for all he wants is a good listener for he knows how to do it. And lastly, love him as much as you can. Don’t you ever give up on him. Love him in the most possible way. Love him because that is what he deserves, love him because you love him.
Words by: Hannah Eunice Villamin
“Has someone ever told you that you are too difficult to love?” She poured herself another mug of lukewarm coffee. I sat on the grey sofa reading Sputnik Sweetheart by Murakami. She sat right beside and clasped the end of her dotted skirt. “People have left me for it. I don’t blame them, though. On most days, loving me is a task.” After saying, she took the book from my hand. She inhaled the scent of the pages. “Isn’t Sputnik the name of the first artificial satellite?” I nodded. “So, you don’t hold it against those people?” I asked without meeting her gaze. From a distance, I could hear the sound of a Ferris wheel. “Not really.” Her voice brought me back. “Don’t all relations disappoint in the end? I mean everyone leaves. Sooner or later, people see the blemishes. The imperfections overwhelm them. Staying will mean accepting and efforts. Few are ready to do it.” She fiddled with her hair as I devoured another cigarette. “So, you don’t just believe in love, then?” She gazed into my eyes and paused as if to frame her words carefully. “I do. I just find people who are as difficult to love. In that way, the struggle to love becomes the entire point.” She tapped a button on remote and filled the room with music, rhythms, and sound. I read Murakami while she gazed into nowhere thinking about loss, love, and how lonely must those satellites feel when they quietly stroll through the sky.
~ hardik nagar The Honest Musing
The room, the room is cozy. Clean and bright and spacious. The walls are painted in soft earth tones, except for the feature wall directly behind the bed which is wallpapered with geometric pattern edged with gold on an eggshell background. The ceiling is white. Not stark white but warm like sunset’s glow on summer months. The night tables with curved legs are painted cream, distressed and dirtied to give them a used look some people find beautiful. On them are tall matching lamps with ornate base and aloe vera plants in white pots. Next to the plant on the right are a sheep and lamb figurines and an angel made of metal painted off-white and brown. On the left sits another angel, a rag doll with her own miniature doll, again off-white, with lace trimmings. Next to it is a bottle of water and a book. Aside from a painting on wood of some African image which looks like a Masai tribe from a distance but only blobs of faceless colors when viewed closer and a large rectangle mirror with carved wooden frame painted in nude color, the walls are otherwise devoid of any ornamentation.
The bed itself is a farmhouse-style metal bed with iron frame in a dark roast finish. It was once a canopy bed when it was standing in a much bigger room in a much bigger house. Now, the posts have been removed to accommodate the low ceiling of a cottage style house it now belongs to. The beddings are white with crocheted edges, two of the six pillows have crocheted cases. One of them is ergonomically designed suited for special needs. The comforter is thick and fluffy and warm. Too warm. There is a metal rocking chair at the foot of the bed piled high with stuffed toys in various sizes. All of them in neutral colors the darkest of them all, black. Nobody knows the existence of a big kitchen knife under the pillow. In case…
The woman on the bed can’t stop looking at the tiny gap between the curtains. Cream colored curtains that filtered the light softly making the room much brighter without being intrusive. It bothers her, the gap. Keeps her from closing her eyes and concentrate on trying to sleep. Not that it is the reason why she’s lying awake but it does certainly contribute to the agitation she’s feeling right now. Where is that coming from, this nervousness, the feeling of being incomplete and missing out on something? The state of being numbed and not there. Existing but not alive, dead, dead inside dead in her head.
When she was eight years old, she found out while standing on the breakwater her father had painstakingly made to keep the waves from crashing against the dikes, that the world has nothing to offer to her. The certainty of being been there done that twice over and back again still with the same conclusion was so strong it took all her power not to jump in the water and drowned herself. That feeling never changes through the years but somehow she managed always to go on searching for anything that could prove her wrong and it kept her alive, able to enjoy momentarily pleasures, but only for a time before she embarks into another fruitless quest of finding even she herself doesn’t know.
But never she felt as dead as now, disconnected unable to feel anything. Does she come full circle? Is this it? Is this the end? If she could only sleep. Then, perhaps she could think clearly. But the gap between the curtains bothers her. She must stand up and close it, prevent the light from entering and crowding her thoughts. But she knows if she stands up she will not be able to go back to bed and sleep. Oh, if there is only someone who could do it for her but there is no one, no one is around. She could kill herself and nobody would know. Not for weeks, not for months. Nobody would miss her. Is that a blessing or a curse?
Ignore the gap, ignore the light, ignore the feeling of being dead, she survives so far by doing exactly that, burying the feelings deep inside eventually she becomes numb. Close your eyes and pretend like always -she said to herself- just close your eyes…
The story of how one t-shirt makes me feel
All I have left of you is one t-shirt.
I deleted all your texts and erased you from social media. I even threw away an odd sock I found of yours, black with an orange toe and heel.
This one t-shirt that I can barely bring myself to look at, let alone wear, crops up in my washing every now and again. It is so foreign to me, so infinitesimally you that I cannot wear it and feel at home. I do not recognize it. Maybe that is because I never felt at home with you. Never felt comfortable in my own skin. Always brittle, on edge, ready to snap and break in your presence. To shut down and shut you out.
This one t-shirt is all I have left to remind me of you. When I close my eyes and try to conjure your image up I cannot. I can only see small details. Your red curls, your ice blue eyes, the freckle on the pinkie of your left hand – the one I only noticed the day we walked away from each other. I remember the gap in your teeth, that funny tight smile and the way you used to say my name, hold my hand, stroke my face. But you as a whole/the person I thought I knew? That I cannot see.
This t-shirt is all I have left to remind me of the darkest five months of my life. The hardest, most painful, jagged and scarring thing I have ever endured. Five months of stretching and snapping. Five months of seeing how happy we could have been and five months of being miserable. Five months of wanting to let go and love and not being able to. Five months of pushing you away and wanting to hold you close. This t-shirt is a memento of my failure. Of my loss. Of you.
When I wear this t-shirt and people comment on it – they say ‘that suits you’ or ‘i haven’t seen you in that before’ or why don’t you wear it more often?’ And the words to tell them why I do not wear it catch it my throat. I say – it is not mine.
I can never bring myself to say that it is yours.
― Alice Nicolov
If I were to kill myself tonight I would do it to get into hell
And from that eternal consuming state
I’d wander 3,000 feet below your toes
And that, to me
Is the apotheosis of everything I couldn’t say
Because you weren’t ready to hear it
Or maybe because I fear rejection
And showing nothing means feeling nothing
I wish I could mutter the words
To bring you back
To have you crawling from under my bed
And finally, realize you were the monster in my head
The idyll in my dreams
The reason I’ve turned into an insomniac sleepwalker
A wrecked lifeless being
Who later took this nothingness and despair
And transformed it into poetry
With which I hoped I could make you mine
And force you to remain in our realm
Built on demons and sleepless nights
And inner peace
To get by.
“Six degrees of separation” by Vlada Bunescu
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