My words will either attract a strong mind or offend a weak one.
… of the birthdays you will never celebrate or no longer part of
…the life of the people you once knew and still think of
…what could have been if things and circumstances were different and
…of other memories you could have been making but now are just a part of
…wishful thinking.
It is September again.
“There is no such thing as a “broken family.” Family is family, and is not determined by marriage certificates, divorce papers, and adoption documents. Families are made in the heart. The only time family becomes null is when those ties in the heart are cut. If you cut those ties, those people are not your family. If you make those ties, those people are your family. And if you hate those ties, those people will still be your family because whatever you hate will always be with you.” ― C. JoyBell C.
Yesterday I found out via FB that the youngest brother of my late mother died. Away from the family in a foreign part of the country. He was just two years older than me and as old as my sister Maricor whom I’ve never seen since I was 15 years old. She ran away and never came back.
I’ve met my uncle only on three occasions but those meetings had a huge impact not only on both of our personal lives (though I did not realize it then) but on the lives of all people concerned. I will cite misunderstanding as the main reason for the drama. Misunderstanding from all sides and the mistake never been rectified. Partly because I never have the urge to depend. He never (as far as I remember) find it necessary to either admit or deny,. Largely because we I guess both know that nobody will believe. So, the myth still lives and will be a continue reminder to future generation never to walk the same path.
The first time I’ve met him was at the funeral of my grandfather. I was seven years old, he was nine. We travel far to attend the occasion. We lived in the middle of nowhere remember? And my father will never be good enough to the eyes of my maternal relatives. Too poor and too uneducated to be fully accepted.
I don’t remember much about that time. All I can recall was the saw dust that covered almost everything on sight.
The second time we met, I was already in junior high school and studying in the capital while working as a house sitter to pay my tuition. He used to visit me and put me on the front of his bike and we drove around in the rain while he was singing Nothing Gonna Change My Love For You by Glen Medeiros. I enjoyed his company. He was sweet to me. He said my mother was his favorite sister therefore I was his favorite niece.
I did not know when and where the rumor start but it happened, and I did not understand how and why. I still don’t.
Okay, I was the only one who could make him tear apart from the gambling table. I did not even have to do or say anything, my presence was enough. He skipped work just to be with me and only going to wake up if I was the one who woke him up. He bought me coke and hamburger whenever he came home late from work and watched me ate them. He guarded the door of the public toilet in their block so I can take a bath safely he said. They say he was a drunkard but I never seen him drunk. Likewise with drugs. If he was a user, I never seen an indication of it. To me, he was just a pleasant person. Easy to get along with. Friendly and cool.
He avoided being in the same room/house with me alone. He said it gets warm when I’m around. He told me he will tell me something important one day. He refused to elaborate. He said it was not the time nor the place.
That his mother threw us out in the middle of the night I don’t understand. We came home from strolling around the neighborhood and the next thing I knew our clothes were flying everywhere. My uncle while picking up the mess said to his mother and everyone that nowhere in the bible stated that it is a sin to fall in love with a family member. In fact, he said, if those holy men didn’t sleep with their mothers, daughters and sisters, we will not be here at all. I failed to grasp the meaning of what he said that time. I was too young and too naïve. And____
For the record, my uncle never touch me maliciously or indicate something of that kind. He never show or hint anything untoward to my person. Never. That’s why I can’t understand why years later, I was already married and living abroad, he was working overseas, he sent me letters after letters, professing his undying love for me. On one occasion, he even tried to convince me to elope with him somewhere nobody knows us. I declined. I told him I don’t feel that way for him and besides, we carry the same family name.
He never married.
The last time I saw him was when I was processing my papers to join my then husband here in Europe. He helped me to queue for the necessary papers. We said goodbye at the airport and I never laid eyes on him again.
Now he is dead and the truth died with him. So be it.
Thank you for never appreciating me for my individuality and spirit, because it taught me how important it is to stay true to myself.
Thank you for attempting to dim my light so I learned that I needed to burn as bright as I could.
Thank you for being afraid of the power of my sexuality, and the mysteries of my eyes because it taught me that only those who can match my passion should be allowed to share in it with me.
Thank you for being scared of my intelligence and the depths of my mind, because it taught me there is a difference in loving how I look, or how I make you feel versus loving who I really am.
Thank you for not being the man that I needed, so that instead I was able to see the woman I already was.
Thank you for never having the balls to stake a claim on my heart, because it left the space and opportunity for someone who will be brave enough to take a chance on the wonderful desire of the unknown—someone who will cultivate every trait you tried to suppress.
Thank you for teaching me that the love I seek is the one that is extraordinary.
Thank you for being all wrong, because it showed me what right will look like—and for that I will always be eternally grateful.
(Words by Kate Rose)
By Billy Manas
what is it that causes people to micro-cheat in the first place?
I did a little research (shout out to Esther Perel’s Mating In Captivity), coupled it with my personal experiences, and came up with 10 reasons people find themselves in marital sh*t storms.
1. Poor Communication
In many long-term relationships, the day to day, “business as usual” aspect can be deadly—especially concerning communication.
From personal experience, I know that when opening up has led directly to uncomfortable feelings and arguing, I’m less apt to bring that thing up again. Over time, this led me to seek someone safe to confide in. When it inevitably became less safe and more intimate, micro-cheating started to ensue.
2. Fear of Abandonment
This seems counter intuitive at first glance, but it is quite a bit more obvious than it sounds. If you’ve ever had the pleasure of an intimate relationship with a lover who is stricken with abandonment issues, you know that self-sabotage is usually the most common way this malady will manifest. One such act of self-destruction can result in cheating or micro-cheating.
3. Neglect
One of my favorite Bob Dylan lines has always been, “He not busy being born is busy dying.” This idea is universal—it applies everywhere in life. Especially in monogamous relationships.
It’s practically cliché, but if you are not doing the necessary things to cultivate and nurture your relationship, it won’t simply stop growing—it will start dying. And Facebook is the most common place a marriage goes to die.
4. Getting outside of oneself
As someone who has made a lifelong study of addiction—with too much fieldwork for my own good—the need many people have to escape their own thoughts can lead to a multitude of ugly results. Overeating, alcohol, porn—and, yes, cyber infidelity. Needless to say, it never works.
The emptiness we can never seem to escape is generally a spiritual malady and can’t be quelled by sensory pleasures. As the saying goes, it’s an inside job.
5. Boredom
This doesn’t necessarily have to reflect the quality of the relationship. I knew a woman whose husband was devoted, thoughtful, and passionate, yet she still found herself texting—and eventually sexting—the guy in her office. Familiarity doesn’t simply breed contempt. Sometimes it breeds bad decisions.
6. Thrill-Seeking
Sometimes known as the seductive third cousin of boredom, a thrill-seeker is usually in search of what is commonly referred to as the “cheater’s high.” This is that rush of adrenaline that most people get when they get away with something nefarious or hurtful.
This is oftentimes exasperating to the victimized partner because it is not the end result—the sex—that the thrill-seeker is looking for. Unfortunately, it doesn’t feel any less hurtful.
7. Opportunity
There are times when things in a marriage are chugging along, smooth as glass, and the one who got away (let’s call her Melinda), didn’t get far enough away not to know where the “add friend “button is.
In a case like this, the man is confused about why a romanticized memory with an overly filtered photograph seems so much more appealing than the living person in the next room who is PMSing and has a headache. For those of us not impaired by hormones, it’s fairly obvious.
8. Disconnection
In marriage, rough patches are to be expected. Unfortunately, if the bickering and resentments are allowed to take on a life of their own, disconnection will begin to happen. This creates a kind of domino effect because, regardless if you are a male or a female, connection is a human need. And when it’s not happening in the house, it’ll start to happen online.
9. Self-Esteem
When two people in a marriage stop putting in the effort to make each other feel special, the person who came into the union with low self-esteem baggage will likely be the first to look elsewhere for validation.
The ubiquitous quality of social media makes it the obvious choice. Facebook can be like a singles’ bar with no cover charge—open 24 hours a day—if that’s how you use it.
10. Familiarity Breeds…a Friendzone
This is a paradox that can be difficult to reconcile. Still, when we are single and alone, we tend to long for the certainty and coziness that can only be found in a loving, caring, monogamous, long-term relationship.
Over time, what started as cozy can decelerate into a close friendship that lacks, well, uncertainty. Uncertainty, more often than not, is the hidden ingredient in passion. It is when we are not totally comfortable with another person that we generally find them sexually exciting.
If this goes unchecked, one partner (or even both) will find themselves on the lookout for something less familiar to excite them. This invariably can lead to the phone in their pocket.
And then there are some who might even say they are, “Truly falling in love.” I saved this for last because, from personal experience, even though this is the factor that everyone would like to believe is at the root of all cyber infidelity, it is the rarest.
Let’s be serious: is it truly possible to find this most sacred human need through well-curated photographs and highlight reels that people spend far too much time strategically posting? Most likely not.
I wouldn’t rule it out entirely, but I will conclude by advising anyone who thinks this is the motive to, perhaps, seek the advice of a counselor or, at least, a brutally honest friend.
I knew of this song since I was a small child yet I wasn’t aware that there is an English version of this till the other night. I was watching a (comedy?) film and the lead character sang this in such a passion that brought tears in my eyes. ( I told you I’m starting to mellow with the passing of years. In my book, disgusting.) I wrote a poem with a similar contents a while, while back about a professor I thought I had a crush back then. And of course that one (ultra) forbidden affair that I should have never embark in but no regrets.
Here is the song:
“Forbidden”
(from “Miss Granny” soundtrack)
Like the stars in the night that I love to behold
You seem near in my sight yet so distant to hold
You’re somebody forbidden for me to possess
So this love I’ve long hidden, I try to suppress
All night long, all day through
How I long for your kiss
I love you, how I do
Yet you don’t know of this
There’s somebody who found you
Before we have met
While her arm’s still around you
I have to forget
Forbidden love, forbidden lips
Can’t even touch your fingertips
Forbidden smile, forbidden face
Your love is such forbidden grace
If at last though I tried
Getting you off of my mind
My heart still couldn’t hide
My true feelings behind
All I ask is forgive me
For loving you so
And don’t look back as you leave me
It’s forbidden, I know
Forbidden love, forbidden lips
Can’t even touch your fingertips
Forbidden smile, forbidden face
Your love is such forbidden grace
Forbidden love, forbidden lips
Can’t even touch your fingertips
Forbidden smile, forbidden face
Your love is such forbidden grace
They say you are handsome.
I didn’t see that.
They say you have amazing eyes.
I failed to see that too.
They say you have a body of a Greek God.
Why I didn’t notice?
To me, you were just one of those.
Looking at your pictures now, I can see they are right.
Too Late.
Not that it matters.
It will never work out.
Come to think of it, maybe I vanished you due to hearsay.
So stupid of me. Naive.
I wonder if you are innocent.
Like you always claim to be.
But then again___
What if___
Does it make any difference?
I guess not.
So, it is better you’re there and I am here.
Like probably it meant to be.
I took off photographs from the wall. They no longer serve their purpose.
I also unfriend someone very important. Until just recently.
It is sort of liberating.
Everything is crystal clear now.
I never mattered.
So, why should they?
A long time ago I forced myself to write about something that hurts me the most. You can read it here.
Yesterday, I found via Facebook that the person is dead. Too young! Too soon! But then again, under the circumstances, perhaps it is for the best.
When she died, I have no idea. I will not ask. I stop talking to them millions of years ago. I’m not going to start now.
How she died, I don’t want to know. Living on the streets says enough. I could imagine hundreds of different scenarios. None of them good. She had been beaten up, raped, wounded and God knows what in the past. It hurts to remember. It hurts to think. It hurts to imagine.
Now, she’s gone. End of her sufferings. She lived a hard life. Never known love.
If I have a place in heaven and if there is truly a God, please, give mine to her. She deserves it more than anyone I know.
Rest in peace sister. May you find love and happiness wherever you are.
And your heart knows the risk is worth it.
Then I met him. It was a love I resisted at first. On paper, we didn’t match. The lens into the future was foggy at best. But, maybe the best romances are the ones we can’t push away—the ones we can’t ignore because the pull outweighs the resistance.
I often wonder if God placed him in my world to love me so profoundly that I hang on forever, or if he’s here to rock my soul. To teach me never to accept any less than a love that makes me feel this wildly alive.
After all, some lovers only need a season to teach us what others couldn’t in a lifetime. And a traditional love story is boring anyway.
(AUTHOR: JENNA IRVIN)
There was this gorgeous natural pool between two mountains with cute, small waterfalls descending from one side and a river with a reasonable fast current down on the other side with a picturesque bamboo bridge across.
I like the place because it was kind of private, peaceful and the fauna and flora were simply breath-taking. I was stripped down from the waist up and ready to hit the water when I saw her.
She didn’t see me at first; she was deep in thoughts concentrating on negotiating the narrow, steep path leading down to the pool. She was wearing a blue bikini with a green and yellow flower pattern with a matching pareo tied around her hips. She was so beautiful! The sight of her almost took my breath away.
When she was almost at the bottom of the steps, she saw me. A strange mixture of surprise and fear (?) registered on her face. But that was only for a fraction of a second, she quickly pivoted on her heels and run!
But I was quick. I only wanted to stop her and talk, thinking this is maybe my only chance to catch her alone, I simply could not let her go away.
I caught up with her easily. This is my terrain, my playground; I know the place better than anyone, I grew up here, negotiating treacherous surfaces is second nature to me. She, on the other hand, is a city girl. Too bad for her.
When I reached her something I never planned happened. What I did was___ grabbed her, turned her towards me, pulled her closer, and kissed her passionately. It happened so fast she didn’t get the chance to react. Why she must taste so sweet and so soft to hold I right away lost control of myself?
I pulled her even closer against me, she let a moan, she said: “Oh, Michael.” And went limp in my arms. My knees buckled, my legs turned to Jell-O, my mind went blank, and suddenly the world had stopped from turning. I heard thunder and lightning everywhere and I was stiff as a pole.
When I carried and laid her on the grass, she did not resist. It was starting to get dark. When I lay next to her; she closed her eyes and bit her lips. We kissed hungrily for a while, touching, exploring. I was only beginning to discover where everything is. I never realized that a kiss could taste like heaven I didn’t want to stop.
The moment I removed her bikini top, she gave me a look I had never seen before anywhere or from anyone in my life. Not even on her. All I know was what the look did to my blood ‒ boil!
When I pulled the rest of the bikini all the way down, she clung to me passionately, we’re like two people drowning; very fast and there was no tomorrow. When I entered her, I thought I was going to pass out from ecstasy. It was good. No, better than good, better than anything I have ever experience so far, it was worth dying twice over.
When I murmured in her ear that I have no idea it would be like this, she said: “You don’t see nothing yet.” And she showed me. Not one, not twice, but six times over!
We laid side by side afterward looking at the moon.
Then she said: “Now, what?”
The last time I felt alive – I was looking into your eyes.
Breathing your air…. touching your skin…
… Saying goodbye…
The last time I felt alive… I was dying.
He was both everything I could ever want…
And nothing I could ever have…
Every quote, every book, every film seemed to suggest that ‘one day’ someone would come into my life and love me with an intensity and a passion I had never experienced before. And to their credit they were right; It all came and went so fast it really did feel as if it were just ‘one day’…
If you’re searching for a quote that puts your feelings into words – you won’t find it.
You can learn every language and read every word ever written – but you’ll never find what’s in your heart.
How can you?
He has it.
You can miss places. You can miss people.
Just know that what you’re really missing is the way things were. And even if you could go there again…. see them again…. you can’t go back.
They’re not the same.
You’re not the same.
The loss of them changed you.
I try to do something positive – I socialize more…
But deep down I know the truth.
An entire world of people can never replace the one that I’ve lost.
It’s the intricate details you miss the most.
For me, it’s the soft lines around the eyes when he smiles… Or that look he gave me sometimes that I cannot begin to describe – but I would know it if I saw it again.
It was the look that gave him away.
I’d know that look anywhere…
It used to be my everything.
You’re everything to me.
But at best, I’m just a memory to you.
It hurts that I was just one page in the book of your life…
But what hurts more is knowing you’ll revise that chapter someday…
….. and you’ll erase me completely.
I still think of you every day.
But I’m trying not to let it hurt me with the same intensity that it used to.
And as painful as that is, it still kind of warms me to know I will always carry a part of you with me.
Though life has fated that we never cross paths again, don’t ever feel alone. For we are parallel …. and I will always be by your side.
Everybody wants their own little place in the world. And maybe mine is here… Loving you from a distance…
(Quotes by Renata Suzuki)
I don’t know how long we stay that way, but we watch the sun go down together. The giant, burnt-orange sphere sinks towards the horizon, coloring the rock layers until it’s gone and the canyon is covered in shadow. ―
I once had a best friend I could talk to for hours. We could philosophize endlessly, oblivious to the passing of time. I remember one afternoon I knocked on his door lay next to him in bed and we started talking. We didn’t realize it was night already. Only when his brother snapped the light on and asked what on earth we were doing in the dark did we noticed that indeed it was already that late. We look into each other’s eyes and giggled. Nobody understands.
And that one time we were drinking on the terrace whole night, sitting on the balustrade, feet dangling in space ignoring the danger, just concentrating on the two of us, the outside world locked out. Suddenly, we saw a flame behind the mountains and we thought: fire! There was a fire out there. But of course, it wasn’t fire. It was the sun rising up. Night owls as we were, we rarely saw the dawn for we used to sleep the whole day and only come up when the sun goes down already. Vampires, they called us. Since then we decided to go dawn watching on the top of the mountains. That was magical moments. I miss it sometimes.
Dusk is just an illusion because the sun is either above the horizon or below it. And that means that day and night are linked in a way that few things are there cannot be one without the other yet they cannot exist at the same time. How would it feel I remember wondering to be always together yet forever apart? ―
The above quote reminds me of the film Ladyhawke with Rutger Hauer and Michelle Pfeiffer starring Matthew Broderick. But most of all, it makes me think of a song my mother used to sing when I was little. I told D. about it and for some unknown reason, it seems to traumatized him. I don’t understand why. It is just a song. Here are the lyrics.
There was a girl, there was a boy
If they had met they might have found a world of joy
But he lived on the morning side of the mountain
And she lived on the twilight side of the hill
They never met, they never kissed
They will never know what happiness they’ve missed
‘Cause he lived on the morning side of the mountain
And she lived on the twilight side of the hill
For love’s a rose that never grows
Without the kiss of the morning dew
And every Jack must have a Jill
To know the thrill of a dream that comes true
And you and I are just like they
For all we know our love is just a kiss away
But you are on the…
MY OWN PRIVATE IDAHO 
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