Tag Archives: people

Varnish

“No varnish can hide the grain of the wood; and that the more varnish you put on, the more the grain will express itself.” ― Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

Or you can also say: put lipstick on a pig, put rouge on the corpse, making a purse out of a swine’s ear, putting a racing stripe on a … am I allowed to say it here? Probably not. Better leave it at that.

I think basically what Dickens wanted to say is: you can’t hide someone’s true nature. And I believe him. One’s genetic makeup is very hard to alter. Sure, surroundings, upbringing, experience and all those things could have an effect on someone’s innate nature but only on the surface, it cannot change what lies beneath. One’s inner essential nature will always come through sooner or later.

I’m not saying someone can be born a saint or evil and who can say what makes those people act a certain way. A basically good person can commit a grave offense out of desperation, necessity, passion, anger or whatever valid for that moment reason she or he might have but it doesn’t make them a bad human being automatically. You can almost see the genetic makeup of a person by his actions, the nature of their crimes, and how they react to a certain situation. Unplanned circumstances always provoke spontaneous reactions. And that’s when you can see how people truly are, by the way they handle crisis and surprises.

I remember breaking up with someone after accidentally observing his behavior towards others. It was a simple occurrence. We were aboard a public vehicle and the driver stopped to let an elderly passenger in. The person had a difficulty ascending the steps and my then boyfriend was sitting by the door. He could have easily extended his hand and help but he never did nor offered his seat to that person who was clearly having troubles to remain standing during that treacherous ride because of his advanced age. In the end, I gave up my place so the person could sit.

What happened was a revelation to me. My boyfriend was a gentleman. Caring, solicitous, respectful and sweet. To me he was. But to others, he could not care less. And that is something I cannot possibly accept. God knows what he gonna do later in the relationship when the cloak and dagger aspect of courtship is over. I decided I’ve seen enough and dropped him just like that. I believe I made the right decision.

What about you? Do you think I made the right decision?

I would love to hear your thoughts on the subject of genetic makeup in general if you care to impart your knowledge. Nothing too fancy or complicated, just your own truth and beliefs. It is always nice to hear other people’s input. I have learned so much that way.

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Thought Of The Day

“I cannot be part of a world where men dress their wives as prostitutes by showing everything that should be cherished. Where there is no concept of honor and dignity, and one can only rely on those when they say “I promise”.

Where women do not want children, and men don’t want a family.

Where the suckers believe themselves to be successful behind the wheel of their fathers` cars, and a father who has a little bit of power is trying to prove to you that you’re a nobody.

Where people falsely declare that they believe in God with a shot of alcohol in their hand, and the lack of any understanding of their religion.

Where the concept of jealousy is considered shameful, and modesty is a disadvantage.

Where people forgot about love, but are simply looking for the best partner.

Where people repair every rustle of their car, not sparing any money or time, and themselves, they look so poor that only an expensive car can hide it.

Where the boys waste their parents’ money in nightclubs, aping under the primitive sounds, and girls fall in love with them for this.

Where men and women are no longer identifiable and where all this together is called freedom of choice, but for those who choose a different path-get branded as retarded despots.

I choose my path, but it’s a pity that I did not find similar understanding in the people among whom I wished to find it most of all … “  -Keanu Reeves

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Nest

“If I could reach for something brilliant, that would be the home which been denied to me and the presence of the peace I’ve never known.”

I put this phrase on the right sidebar of my homepage. I yada-yada-ya countless times about my roots being pulled out before they can even have a chance to settle and get hold and never having a contingency to grow and flourish in a familiar soil. I teared up when I heard someone on TV said: “A tree without roots is just a piece of wood.” Why? Because the subject of home and family are two major sensitive issues for me. Always been always will be.

I have experienced countless betrayal by blood and like I already said before, that is the most painful deception somebody could experience in a lifetime. The wounds never heal and continue bleeding. It is not easy to get over it. It hurts.

As you probably have already guessed by now, I am living on a foreign soil. I arrived here 30 years ago and I’m still here. Let’s face it, skin colour matters no matter what others say and want to believe. I can never be white and that brings circumstances. I will not bore you with the details. Besides, this post is not about that topic. It’s about hanging in a limbo, not here nor there. I don’t feel at home in my own country, I live here for too long I don’t belong there anymore. I don’t understand a lot of things and at times I find that their views in life are narrow and limited and like here people are prejudiced and judgmental. They can’t look beyond their beliefs and fixed ideas. I feel like a stranger in my own country. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I expect too much. Forgetting that cultures will always clash. But then again, what happened to open minds? I told you, I expect too much.

When I was still living with my ex-husband I had a constant feeling of being in a transit. I knew I had a final destination but where? Other times I felt that I was having a nightmare (and really it was) and going to wake up eventually but when? I did manage to escape but it doesn’t  mean I found a home. I’m still searching for it. In the process, I lost my children. They become estranged from me. The last time I have spoken to my daughter was almost two years ago. Again, it hurts. I am still trying to reconcile with the fact.

I often wonder if I will ever find a place I truly belong. A home which I can call my own and feel secure. Maybe what they say is true. That home is not a place but like hell is a state of mind. I don’t know.

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Gingerly

I learned to be cautious when dealing with people. Coming from an isolated background with only my immediate family for companions in an environment where no one had to lie and deceive to impress, we grew up as naive honest individuals with no boundaries; thinking that everyone is like us: strong yet vulnerable, what you see is what you get.

I (we) learned the hard way. The experience turned my siblings into one of them and they never look back. Somehow I managed to escape. Don’t ask me how. All I know is I turned inward and in that way protected my core from contamination. I am still struggling to survive in this world where hypocrisy and falseness are greatly rewarded. 

I did try to belong. God knows I did. But being a copy of the majority doing the things I loathe and finding myself further and further away from the person I really am is a too high price to pay. I have chosen isolation once more. I’m still living there.

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Daily Prompt: Gingerly 

Pedestrian

The best way undoubtedly of seeing a country is on foot. It is the safest, and most suited to every variety of road; it will often enable you to take a shorter track, and visit scenes (the finest perhaps) not otherwise accessible; it is healthy, and, with a little practice, easy; it is economical: a pedestrian is content with almost any accommodations; he, of all travellers, wants but little, ‘Nor wants that little long’. And last, though not least, it is perfectly independent.

― Robin Jarvis, Romantic Writing, and Pedestrian Travel

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Queen Bee And Wannabe

Why (some) people have to stand on someone else’s shoulders to look tall? And the worst part is: they believe they have the right. But I’m sure deep down inside, they know they are outclassed. Must be very difficult to accept (that’s why) well… too bad.

•Queen Bee – her friends do what she wants them to do, she feels in power and in control of her environment, but this can define her friendships.

•Sidekick – she’s the girl who is closest to the Queen Bee and will back her no matter what. They commonly bully and silence other girls to further their own agenda.

•Banker – She creates chaos by banking information about other girls and dispersing it at strategic intervals, because she knows it’s going to cause conflict. It doesn’t even seem like she’s trying to gossip because she masks it as ‘I’m just trying to be there for you’

•Messenger – She trades information and gossip about others, but differs from the Banker in that her motivation is to reconcile the parties in conflict, hoping to gain social power from doing so.

•Pleaser/Wannabe – She will do almost anything to be in the group, and is always imitating the behaviour of the Queen Bee and the Sidekick

•Torn Bystander – She doesn’t want to go against the more powerful people in the group and convinces herself not to challenge them.

•Target – She’s the girl who is humiliated, made fun of or excluded. Girls in the clique can become targets if they’ve challenged someone higher on the totem pole and need to be put in their place.

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TGIF

I believe in the kind of love that doesn’t constantly demand me to prove my worth and sit in anxiety. I crave a natural connection where my soul is able to recognize a feeling of home in another. Something free-flowing, something simple, something natural. I just want to be taken as I am without question.

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Why We Cheat

Let’s get into a place where we can talk about cheating in relationships.

Let’s not talk about all the cheating that other people are doing, or all the times that we’ve been cheated on.

Let’s talk about something we are less alright with: talking about our own cheating.

Because if we really sit down and are honest with ourselves, we know that everyone cheats.

We are cheaters.

We can lie to ourselves and say, no that wasn’t really cheating because of this reason over here…

(Cue sarcastic brain-voice) Yeah, okay, us—before we start squaring our thoughts and behavior away into labels that aren’t as scary, let’s be honest with ourselves about what cheating is. 

Cheating is anytime we would not want our partner seeing what we’re doing.

If we would change our behavior when they enter the room, then we’re managing the image they have of us, and we are managing it to keep them from knowing things.

This means that the cheating line is not drawn with sex, because we can cheat without having sex, and we can have sex without cheating. The line is not indicated by any external marker–not with blow jobs or drunk-make outs or outright flirtations. The cheating line is drawn at intention.

The cheating line is drawn when we’re hiding, and it’s not that we are hiding from our partners, it’s that we are hiding from ourselves. When cheating is manifest into a lie, that lie is not to the person we are ‘cheating on,’ that lie is the lie that tells us that it’s okay to be in a relationship where we are cheating.

We don’t need to beat ourselves up about this. There’s nothing wrong with us.

We cheat on our partners for all kinds of reasons—it has nothing to do with them. We cheat because we’re pissed off, we cheat because we’re insecure, we cheat because we’re lonely. This is driven by the subconscious part of ourselves that is trying to figure out how to have good relationships.

We have probably cheated on every single partner that we have been with. Maybe we haven’t had sex with people outside our relationships (or maybe we have), but we’ve had those gut-clenchy moments of I can’t tell my partner about this.

Those are the moments we need to pay attention to. If we’re already having sex with other people and not talking about it, there are mountains of other things we have not been talking about with our partners. For months. Or years. Or millennia.

We need to pay attention to the moments where we have this thought: I can’t be myself around the person I’m in a relationship with. 

Here is the logic of that: we are born as ourselves, we aren’t anybody else (we know this because we have skin that keeps us separate from others). This is the only constant–that from birth until death, we will always be ourselves, living inside of ourselves. Therefore, whether we realize it or not, we want our lives to feel easy for us to be ourselves.

We aren’t cheating because this is our idea of a good time. We are cheating because we are experiencing disconnection with ourselves and we don’t know a different way to feel good, so we only allow ourselves to feel good in short bursts.

We don’t like cheating.

We want to find the path of lowest resistance so that as we go through life, it feels effortless to be ourselves.

If our relationships are making it difficult for us to be ourselves, then what the fuck are we doing there? 

Why are we in a relationship where we have to stay bottled in?

And here’s how cheating reinforces itself: we know when we feel bottled in (even if we aren’t saying anything about it), and all we want is to let ourselves out. Cheating is a way of letting ourselves out.

(So once we start cheating with a partner, do we ever really stop?  I think the answer to this could be yes or no, but we should really sit down and have an honest conversation with ourselves about the matter.)

It’s easy to look at cheating as a big bird-flip to whomever we are cheating on.

But—if we’re cheating, then we’re in a relationship where we’re fucking cheating, and cheating feels like shit.

Cheating feels like shit even if we come home from banging our mistress (or mister) to crawl into bed with our wife (or hubby), and high-five ourselves in the mirror during clean-up. The high-five is just a cover-up, a justification to go to sleep tonight like this and wake up tomorrow and let this be reality for one more day.

So we know that this is a no-win situation for anyone. We don’t want to be cheating. We really don’t.

Because we know–somewhere inside of us—that when we start even just thinking about cheating, that’s when the cheating starts, and we haven’t quite mastered the ability to control our thoughts yet, so it’s not as if we are asking for this.

We would definitely rather have a relationship with someone where those thoughts never pop up. That would be splendid.

But sometimes the thoughts do pop up and we don’t know how to control that–because we’re not enlightened all the time—because we don’t know the secrets of the universe—because we aren’t perfect–because, because.

We’re just becoming ourselves. That’s all we’re doing.

We want to figure out how to make our lives feel good when we’re not cheating.

Even when we’re cheating, our whole goal of everything is to figure out how to not cheat and still feel good.

Because we know that cheating has to end. It’s highly unsustainable, and there’s only a short period of time that the cheating can take place before rapid shifts happen (either we talk about it and it becomes dramatic, or we cut someone out of our lives, but something dramatic happens—it’s too much pressure in such a small space). So even if cheating feels good, we know that it won’t feel good, soon. Very soon the shift is coming.

It’s like remembering we saw a slippery when wet sign a few seconds ago and then seeing someone in high heels running through the hallway trying to answer the phone—we know the jaw-to-floor collision is going to happen, and we feel powerless to make it stop.

There’s nothing wrong with it. Any of it. It’s just that when we’re cheating, it doesn’t feel good.

There is one agreement we must make with ourselves to cut the internal tie between us and cheating. We must agree with ourselves when we say: cheating doesn’t feel good, I no longer want to be cheating.

That is the agreement. We must make that agreement with ourselves, otherwise the cheating continues to happen.

That is the only resolution. It’s not changing our partner (although we may find that we want to cheat on some partners more than others. That’s okay.), or changing our friends, or not going to bars.

It’s that one simple internal agreement.

When we make that agreement, cheating begins to stop in our relationships. It stops making sense. Maybe we cycle through a few weird relationships while we’re going through this conversation with ourselves, but eventually, the cheating stops.

The cheating stops because we start talking to our partners about what we’re feeling and what we’re going through.

We start paying more attention to how our relationship feels to us so that if we are going to cheat on someone, we catch a thought of cheating early, before chaos ensues to several lives, and we bring this to conversation with our partner, which maybe brings us closer.

We start creating bonds that are physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually engaging, so that our relationships feel full and stable.

We love cheating because it helps us grow.

And what a beautiful thing: that we are given things to outgrow; obstacles to overcome. And we get to be ourselves the whole way through.

Man, life is good.

~Brentan Schellenbach

Unfaithful Husband

A Letter To The Mistress From The Wife

Dear Mistress,

I have something to say to you.

Don’t worry, this will be brief.

I really didn’t think we’d hear from you again. I was under the impression that you were gone forever. I thought we had dismantled your body and dissolved the remains. Yet, judging by the sight of your tear stains and the lingering stench of low self-worth, that is not the case.

You’ve somehow crawled your way out of that dark, abandoned hovel where we banished your memory.

You must have been waiting for the perfect moment to reappear.

When everything seemed to be so promising and so pleasant.

When life was flowing effortlessly in our favored direction.

When we felt free to inhale and exhale with only the sweetest of breaths.

Well, I can’t say that it’s good to see you again.

But, perhaps it is.

Because now I can finally tell you what I really think of you.

Now I have an opportunity to put you in your rightful place.

You see, mistress, this is not your place.

You don’t belong here.

You don’t belong in this void in which you have wedged yourself, somewhere between approval and rejection.

You don’t belong in the pause, the haze, the in-between.

You don’t belong in the maybe, the I’m not sure, the until something better comes along.

I know it may seem like this is home. But this is not your home.

You’ve just gotten used to these paper-thin prison walls.

I know you.

I know that you willingly give your love to those who can only toss it aside. Because you are terrified of what would happen if someone actually loved you back.

I know you only get involved with men who treat you like a pitstop on their way to greater destination.

I know you blame them. But they are not culprits, monsters, or the evil manipulators you may want them to be.

You are the only one responsible for putting yourself here. You are the only one to blame.

You are not a victim to anything except your lack of self-consideration.

Life will give you more of what you give to it.

If you show disregard for that heart that beats through you and as you, life will only bring you those people who will do the same.

Because while you may pretend that everything is okay as it is, while you may project a false air of self-reliant indifference, while you may act as if you don’t care for the ones that share your bed,

I know that you are lying.

I know that you want more than what you’ve been getting.

I know that you want something genuine, something reciprocal, something real.

I know that you want to feel loved as I am loved.

It might be scary to ask for it, but I know you want it.

And now I need to tell you, since you clearly don’t believe it:

Mistress, you are lovable and you are loved.

You are no one’s second choice.

You are no one’s back up plan.

You are no one’s side gig, part-time hole, some time hearth.

You are not a convenient object of use.

You are not a casual hobby or a passing fad.

You are not a receptacle for emotions, worries or bodily fluids.

You are someone to be admired.

You are someone to be adored.

You are someone to be sure about.

All of you is desirable.

Mistress, all of you is lovable and all of you is loved.

You do not have to settle for bits of fickle attention.

You do not have to hold onto scraps of false affection.

You are deserving of an entire feast of love.

Sweet talk will coat your ears and rot your heart.

Promises mean nothing when not intended to be kept.

You can learn the difference between authentic and illusory.

You can learn to trust your instinct.

You will never again have to feel used.

You will never again have to feel needy.

You will never again have to coerce, pressure, or force someone’s commitment.

Because mistress, you are lovable and you are loved.

You are always loved by the infinite presence that created you.

Call it God, call it the Universe, call it whatever you will.

Life created you just as you are.

And it loves you just as you are.

You can feel this love whenever you want to.

It is always present and it is always yours.

You are connected to all of life.

When you have love for yourself, you have love for all of life.

And when you love all of life, it will love you right back.

In a way you always hoped you’d be loved.

In a way you never before have allowed yourself to be.

Remember and live this truth.

Life will always match you at the level of your truth.

And at some point, life will bring you another person who values you as much as you value yourself.

When you truly feel this—when you trust this like you trust your pulse—then you will find yourself in the position in which I stand

Contrary to what you may have thought, I don’t hate you. In fact, it is quite the opposite.

I only hold the highest of hopes and intentions for you.

Because I was you and I am you.

Because I love you and I love us.

With immense respect and an infinity of gratitude,

~ Wife

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Text via Elephant Journal

Goddesses and Martians

Roaming this planet long enough, observing and absorbing life, devouring whatever reading materials I can put my hands on, I have seen a lot of cases and read so many articles about the differences between opposite sex; mostly written by women who are trying to figure out/intellectualize/analyse men whom they claim are from Mars and themselves from Venus and I think to myself: C’mon people, those are dead planets.

Though we are all born and bred here on earth and not in some distant galaxy (I know the reference to Venus and Mars is just a figure of speech) we are all different whether it is male or female. Heck, even siblings who had shared the same background, upbringing and genetic make up become two completely different individuals when they grow up. What is more with two strangers who have met for the first time…  The truth is we can never know for sure what makes men tick and vice-versa; they are also clueless when it comes to us women. So, why not cherish the difference and let them be.

It is impossible to figure out another human being, whether it is a woman or a man; they will stay when they want to stay, leave you when they feel like it, lie, cheat and deceive if given a chance and respect and love you if they think you deserve to be treated that way.

But one can stand on ones head, cry bucket of tears, practice emotional blackmail, crawl on the floor and bark, do your best and give him/her everything you own if s/he is not really  into you, s/he will disappear sooner or later. Remember that.

Like my father used to say: you can put someone inside a chest and throw away the key if that somebody really wants to escape that person will find some Houdini maneuvers to get out. In short: if there is a will, there is a way.

Trying to dissect why men (or women) do certain things is a lost cause and a waste of energy. For one thing, John is not Peter and Peter is not Paul; one rule cannot be apply for every male (or female) and besides people constantly evolved, circumstances change and so does feelings. One cannot simply say men do these unexplainable (to women) things because they are from Mars (figure of speech or not) and we react emotionally etc to whatever they do because we are from Venus.

Bad things happen sometimes to unsuspecting people. That’s the way of the world and that will always be whether we spend so much time thinking about the hows and the whys and read tons of (self-help) books and articles hoping it will give us some clue on how to solve the puzzle or not. 

Instead of making ourselves crazy figuring out men and their mystical ways, why not devote our time understanding ourselves and change our ways for the better so, we don’t need another human being to lean or depend on and we don’t have to define ourselves through them. In that manner we can become whole and complete without help from others especially the opposite sex. So, when they say goodbye we will not be left hurt broken and miserable, whining about this and that blaming what happened to some theoretical myth about inhabitants of the dead planets we have read or heard somewhere and adapted it as ours to give us excuses when the time comes, and do it all over again the first opportunity we got. We need to be able to stand strong alone before we can be any use to anybody. No one but us can change ourselves. Anything outside that is beyond our control. We have to stop thinking that we can change another human being. The changes have to come from within.

If you’re in love (or think you are) savor the moment and do not spook yourselves fantasizing all doomed scenarios and don’t confuse yourself asking why this and that, does he loves me or not, would he leave me or not, is he having somebody else or not. Don’t worry you will find it soon enough maybe even sooner than you think because you see nothing last forever and the only constant in this world is changes. What you have to do for the meantime (and for crying out loud) is enjoy the magic while it lasts.

Businessman-and-businesswoman