Tag Archives: depression

Nine Personalities, One Tortured Mind

I took everything too seriously. I analyzed things to death. I turned every word, and the intonation of every word over in my mind trying to decide exactly what it meant, whether there was a subtext or an implied criticism. I tried to recall the expressions on people’s faces, how those expressions changed, what they meant, whether what they said and the look on their faces matched and were therefore genuine or whether it was a sham, the kind word touched by irony or sarcasm, the smile that means pity. That is what I would often be thinking and such thoughts ate away at the façade of self-confidence I was constantly raising and repairing.

― Alice Jamieson

writing

Today I’m Alice

“When the black thing was at its worst, when the illicit cocktails and the ten-mile runs stopped working, I would feel numb as if dead to the world. I moved unconsciously, with heavy limbs, like a zombie from a horror film. I felt a pain so fierce and persistent deep inside me, I was tempted to take the chopping knife in the kitchen and cut the black thing out. I would lie on my bed staring at the ceiling thinking about that knife and using all my limited powers of self-control to stop myself from going downstairs to get it.” 

~ Alice Jamieson

insomnia

 

110+ Pain of Depression

1. “Depression is a battle between a body that fights with all its might to survive and a mind that wants to die.”

2. “People ask me what depression is like. I tell them it’s a lot like walking down a dark hallway, never really knowing when the light turn goes on.”

3. “Remember this: You weren’t put here to be depressed. To feel guilty, ashamed, unworthy or condemned. You were put here to be victorious.”

4. “I honestly don’t know what I want in life. I don’t even know what I want right now. All I know is that it hurts so much inside, and it’s eating me alive. One day, there won’t be anything left of me.”

5. “I honestly don’t like getting close to people. In my mind, they’re just going to walk out of my life anyway no matter how close we were.”

6. “Depression is an overwhelming feeling of numbness, and the endless desire for something – anything – to take you from one day to the next.”

7. “I smile to make everyone’s day, but the truth is that I’m crying on the inside.”

8. “I hate feeling like I’m here, but I’m really not; like someone cares, but they really don’t; like I belong anywhere but here.”

9. “Sometimes, you just need that one person to tell you that you aren’t as bad as you think you are.”

10. “Depression makes you feel like you want to just disappear from the world, but in reality, all you truly want is to be found.”

11. “I really wish that I could go back to a time when I would smile, and it didn’t take every fiber of my being to do it.”

12. “In my mind, depression is comparing your current reality to a fantasy about how you think your life should really be.”

13. “Sometimes, you just don’t know the true weight of what you’re carrying until the day you feel its release.”

14. “I just don’t want to hurt anymore. Is that so much to ask?”

15. “The very worst kind of sadness is the kind that doesn’t have an explanation.”

16. “When words can’t express the pain you’re feeling, you cry. That’s the heart’s way of expressing the pain.”

17. “You never want people to see you cry because you want to be strong. But you hate how nobody seems to notice that you’re completely broken and torn apart inside.”

18. “It’s hard to answer the question “what’s wrong?” when nothing is right.”

19. “Depression is that feeling when you’re not really sad – you just feel empty inside.”

20. “That’s the scary thing about depression: humans can survive just about anything as long as we can see the light at the end of the tunnel. But depression is sneaky and it continues to build up each day. Ultimately, it becomes impossible to see the light. The fog is like being trapped in a cage without a key.”

31. “Depression is like drowning and you can see everyone around you breathing.”

32. “I’m really tired of feeling hopeless and worthless. But above everything else, I’m just tired of being so tired.”

33. “My fingers text “I’m good”. My lips say “I’m okay”. My heart says “I’m shattered to pieces”.”

34. “Sometimes it’s better to be alone. That way, no one can hurt me.”

35. “I already know what it feels like to give up. Now, I want to see what it feels like not to.”

36. “Don’t ever allow your loneliness and pain to drive you into the arms of someone you know you shouldn’t be with.”

37. “I really want to be happy, but there’s something inside me that screams “you don’t deserve it!””

38. “This life was given to you because you’re strong enough to live it.”

39. “Flowers always grow back – even if someone stomps on them. So will I.”

40. “She’s just like the moon – part of her has always hidden away.”

41. “Sometimes, the sadness makes it hard to breathe. It gets hard to talk about your demons when they’re sitting on your lungs.”

42. “Depression, panic attacks and anxiety are not signs of being weak. They are signs that a person has been too strong for too long.”

43. “I am my own worst enemy. I’m the one who beats me up. I am the one who creates the monsters. I am the one who strips away my own confidence.”

44. “The bravest, strongest thing I ever did was continue on with my life even though I wanted to die.”

45. “I am stronger because I had to be. I am smarter because I’ve made mistakes. I am happier because I’ve been sad. I am wiser now because I’ve learned.”

46. “Depression is almost like a reverse nightmare. Instead of waking up from a nightmare and feeling relieved, I woke up into a nightmare.”

47. “I keep things inside because that’s the safest place to hide.”

48. “They never told me that monsters don’t actually sleep under your bed; they live in your mind.”

49. “How did I go from being a happy, care-free, laughing six-year-old to this?”

50. “Depression has a way of sneaking up on me when I think I’m flying high. It clips my wing, but not both because I will not let it take over every single piece of me.”

51. “I’m only now just learning how to smile. It’s really not as easy as it sounds.”

52. “I’m heartbroken and sad. I’m hurt and depressed. All I want to do is cry, but I don’t want to let this ruin my life.”

53. “Pain is emotional. Depression and fear are always in company with chronic hurting.”

61. “I think it’s time to stop keeping track of all my mistakes, and just forgive myself.”

62. “I don’t mind being alone. It’s the loneliness that I hate.”

63. “I hate it when I get flashbacks of things I don’t want to remember.”

64. “Sometimes, this overwhelming feeling of sadness just washes over me out of nowhere. I get upset and I feel discouraged. I feel sad, hurt and hopeless. I feel numb to the world.”

65. “People always comment on how sad and tired I look. Of course, I look sad and tired. I am sad and tired.”

66. “Why does it always seem like it’s raining down on me?”

67. “I think I’m just afraid to be happy. Every time I get too happy, something bad happens.”

68. “This is my heart. Do you know where I can get it fixed?”

69. “Please stop asking if I’m okay. I’m really tired of lying.”

70. “Do you ever feel like the people of the world just forget you exist and still have feelings?”

71. “Someday, this pain will all make sense to you.”

72. “I’m pretty sure that no one else could ever criticize me as viciously as I criticize myself.”

73. “I feel like everyone else is busy living their lives while I’m stuck here inside of this hole I can’t climb out of.”

74. “My past is constantly haunting me, and I just can’t seem to figure out how to let it go.”

75. “I feel completely lost in my own mind. I bottle up my emotions until I burst. It’s a vicious cycle.”

76. “She could never really tell who would leave or stay, so she just pushed everyone away. It was much easier that way.”

77. “Although things may seem like they’re falling apart, they may actually be just falling into place.”

78. “Everyone is searching for that one person whose demons play nice with theirs.”

79. “The scars may have healed, but that doesn’t mean that the pain has.”

80. “To heal a wound, you have to stop touching it.”

81. “How do you run away from – escape – your own mind?”

82. “I can’t sleep at night. I can’t wake up in the morning either.”

83. “My life is a constant battle between wanting to be left alone, but not wanting to feel lonely.”

84. “When you’re depressed, sleep isn’t just sleeping; it’s an escape.”

85. “Sometimes, I’m really afraid to open up to my friends about my anxiety and sadness because they’ll think I’m just looking for attention.”

86. “Don’t think for a second that my bad days are a sign of weakness. Those are the days that I’m actually fighting the hardest.”

87. “I’ve reached a point where everything is incredibly overwhelming. Even the smallest of tasks make me feel like breaking down and crying my eyes out. It’s all just too much to bear right now.”

88. “I feel like, secretly, everyone around me hates me.”

89. “I always feel like everyone is prettier, funnier, skinnier, better than me.”

90. “Oh, there’s a hell. Trust me – I’ve been there.”

91. “You may smile, but you really want to cry. You may talk, but you really want to be silent. You pretend that you’re happy, but you really aren’t.”

92. “When you’re depressed, you just keep going and going until you finally crash and break down about anything and everything.”

93. “Depression is a kind of tired that no amount of sleep in the world can fix.”

94. “I’m really not sure if I’m depressed. I mean, I’m not really sad. But late at night when I’m alone, I just forget how to feel.”

95. “There are some days when I feel like I’m on top of the world. And then the next day, it’s falling down all around me.”

96. “I keep all the hurt and pain inside because I would rather have it destroy me than everyone else around me.”

97. “I think people really have a hard time understanding how stressful it can be to try and explain all the things going on in your head when you can’t even understand it yourself.”

98. “There are times when I feel like I’m getting better. I’ll eat normally. I’ll laugh more and talk more. I’ll sleep better. But then it’s like something happens – like a switch turns off in my mind. And all of sudden, I’m left with just the darkness of my mind.”

99. “You can’t change the things that are going on around you until you change the things that are going on within you.”

100. “I am just not me anymore. And that scares me.”

101. “I just never get my hopes up. That way, I can never be let down.”

102. “I’ve had people tell me that my depression is all in my head. But why would I ever want to feel this way?”

103. “When you feel like you’ve reached the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and keep holding on.”

104. “Sometimes, it’s the one person who tries to make everyone else happy that is the loneliest of all.”

105. “The strongest people in the world are not the ones who win battles in front of us, but the ones who win the battles we know nothing about.”

106. “You know that moment when you can physically feel the pain in your chest when something breaks your heart?”

107. “I think most people don’t realize that there are a lot of people out there who expend a tremendous amount of energy just trying to be normal.”

108. “I tend to be silent when I’m really screaming inside.”

109. “I knew who I was this morning, but since then, I’ve changed a few times.”

110. “Every person has their own secret sorrows that they hide from the world. Oftentimes, we call people cold when they’re just sad.”

111. “When I feel anxious, it’s because I’m living in the future. When I feel depressed, it’s because I’m still living in the past.”

112. “I’ve finally realized that I just have to accept things the way they are. Life gets much easier when you do this.”

113. “There are times when I just want to run away and see if anyone misses me.”

114. “I always compare myself to every person I see, and I lose every single time.”

115. “I know first-hand what it’s like to be completely terrified of your own mind.”

116. “Each day, you wake up just to fight the same demons that left you feeling utterly exhausted the day before.”

117. “Please – do not mock or poke fun at a pain that you’ve never personally endured.”

~via Awesoroo by David Gorkonel

cliff2-2029

There Will Always Be Dark Days

If you don’t think your anxiety, depression, sadness, and stress impact your physical health, think again. All of these emotions trigger chemical reactions in your body, which can lead to inflammation and a weakened immune system. Learn how to cope, sweet friend. There will always be dark days. ~ Kris Carr

It is very hard to explain to people who have never known serious depression or anxiety the sheer continuous intensity of it. There is no off switch. ~ Matt Haig

Here is the tragedy: when you are the victim of depression, not only do you feel utterly helpless and abandoned by the world, you also know that very few people can understand, or even begin to believe, that life can be this painful. There is nothing I can think of that is quite as isolating as this. ~ Giles Andreae

We live in a society bloated with data yet starved for wisdom. We’re connected 24/7, yet anxiety, fear, depression, and loneliness is at an all-time high. We must course-correct. ~Elizabeth Kapu’uwailani Lindsey

I’ve always liked depressing music because a lot of times, listening to it when you’re down can actually make you feel less depressed. Also, even though a person may have problems with depression, sometimes you can actually be kind of comfortable in that space because you know how to operate within it. ~ Chris Cornell

It’s really easy to slide into a depression fueled by the pointlessness of existence. ~ Robert Smith

Never once, during any of my bouts of depression, had I been inclined or able to pick up a telephone and ask a friend for help. It wasn’t in me. ~ Kay Redfield Jamison

You don’t think in depression that you’ve put on a gray veil and are seeing the world through the haze of a bad mood. You think that the veil has been taken away, the veil of happiness and that now you’re seeing truly. ~ Andrew Solomon

I don’t want to wake up. I am having a much better time asleep. And that’s really sad. It is almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you’re so relieved. I wake up each day into a nightmare. ~ Ned Vizzini

That’s the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end.” ~ Elizabeth Wurtzel

If you know someone who’s depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather.
Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do. ~ Stephen Fry

13906819_1055393211177271_7860119604991201064_n

24/7

Some days, 24 hours is too much to stay put in, so I take the day hour by hour, moment by moment. I break the task, the challenge, the fear into small, bite-size pieces. I can handle a piece of fear, depression, anger, pain, sadness, loneliness, illness. I actually put my hands up to my face, one next to each eye, like blinders on a horse.

~Regina Brett

a4abcb5329baa9f5ea1c584d3379a010

Frantic

What will it take to make you desperate? How bad is the situation before you lost control? Did you experience being so agitated and distraught you thought you will get hysterically mad and start hurting people? Are you the kind of person who becomes easily unhinged? Or do you think you got it all together, conducting your life in an organized fashion, methodically and efficiently? Perhaps you are somewhat in the middle, some days you’re frantic other days you’re okay. Though you are not asking, I can tell you in all honesty that I go through life sensibly and quietly but once in a while I feel murderous and when I’m in this state, all bets are off. 

3792_245

Suspicious

Suspicious? I’m downright paranoid! Here is a very good example how dubious I am. And here and here. And that is only the tip of the iceberg. If people can read what’s going on inside my head… What my ex once said… I’m not fit to go outside. But he meant totally different from what I’m talking about. Remember, this is the guy who once told me that I was fat short and ugly (he’s right of course) that no one aside from him would want me and I could not survive out there on my own. Then when I already left him and he was trying to convince me to come back he told me I was beautiful. Which is which? Maybe he finds short fat and ugly women beautiful. But my replacement is tall, not fat but well-built and alarmingly looks like me according to his now dead aunt. I’m getting sidetracked again. This post is not about him but about one layer (let’s call it facet, sounds much nicer) of my character or is it personality… I think I will lie in a hot bath full of those essentials crystals that supposed to do wonders for my aching joints and muscles but I have yet to experience if the claim is really true. Perhaps I have to put a whole lot, a bottle lot in the water for it to work. Anyway TGIF and see you on Monday?

12392069_917017888348138_6506871813711213058_n  

Stifle

That’s what I’m trying to do every minute of each day_ suppressing the need to let out all the pent-up emotions which have been building all these years. Stifling the desire to shout, to lash out, to let go of all the anger, the frustrations, the disappointments I’ve been holding on for so long, swallowing the bitter tears smothering the urge to just walk out and run, run as fast and as far away as I could and never come back. I am trying to keep myself in check because I know for a certainty that once I start I will not be able to stop. And from there, there is no way back…

crying-in-shower

Living With C-PTSD Following An Abusive Relationship

For many years I was in an extremely destructive relationship with someone who has NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and during that time I was regularly subjected to a variety of emotional, mental and physical abuse.

Every day I walked on eggshells, living in fear of saying or doing something that might trigger an aggressive response.

Many people might wonder why I, or anyone else, would remain in this kind of environment, but by the time I fully recognized that I was in extreme danger, I was already badly emotionally and mentally weakened and debilitated.

I was living in terror waiting to be attacked at any moment and yet I did not feel as though I had the strength or courage to remove myself from it.

Abuse doesn’t always happen overtly and it isn’t always easy to recognize. Often it is a covert, insidious, invisible drip that slowly poisons the victim’s mind so they don’t trust their own judgment, is unable to make life-changing decisions and feels as though they don’t have the coping skills necessary to get help or leave.

It took me a long time, and everything I had, to pull myself from the bottom of the deep dark hell I existed in and to get myself to a place of safety.

By the time I walked away, I thought that the nightmare was over. But in so many other ways, it had only just begun.

The terrors of the taunts, torture, and torment that had become my normality didn’t subside. They remained alive and relieved themselves in the form of intrusive, regular flashbacks.

Many months after I had left the relationship I discovered that I was suffering from C-PTSD, (Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder.) C-PTSD is a result of persistent psychological trauma in an environment where the victim believes they are powerless and that there is no escape.

C-PTSD is slightly different than PTSD, which is brought on by experiencing one solitary, traumatic incident, or it can develop due to an accumulation of incidents. Although both C-PTSD and PTSD both developed from my experiences, I identify more with C-PTSD, as it was the effects of the prolonged exposure to repetitive and chronic trauma that I felt I couldn’t escape from that affected me the most.

For many months after leaving the relationship I struggled to sleep at night, and when I did I often woke trembling after experiencing terrifying reoccurring dreams. On many occasions when I did eventually sleep I would sleep solidly for at least 24 hours, in such deep slumber that I would struggle to wake from it and when I did I would feel fatigued, spaced out and as though I was numbly sleep-walking through the day.

I was easily startled and panicked at the slightest sudden movement or loud noise.

I was ultra-sensitive, on edge and highly alert most of the time, which I believe was my mind’s way of forming some sort of self-protection to keep me aware so that I avoided similar potentially dangerous situations.

At the mention of certain words, names or places I felt nauseous and dizzy and would become extremely distressed. A painful tight knot developed in my stomach every time something occurred to remind me of the trauma.

I still have difficulty remembering large phases of my life, and for a long time I struggled to stay focused, and my concentration abilities were very poor.

I would get upset easily, especially if I was in a tense environment. I had constant anxiety and was regularly in fight-or-flight mode.

I didn’t eat properly. I had no motivation and suicidal thoughts regularly flooded my mind.

I had lost my spark.

One aspect of the aftermath of the relationship that affected me most was the daily gaslighting that I endured. This left me finding it difficult to believe anything people would tell me, and I analyzed, questioned and dissected everything.

Forming new relationships, whether friendships or romantic, was almost impossible as I struggled to trust people’s intentions and felt scared of possible underlying, hidden motives and agendas for their words or actions.

I dissociated from most of what I had been through and pretended, even to myself, that the abuse wasn’t as serious as it was. Partly because I felt ashamed that I had not left sooner and also because I wanted to defend and protect the person I was involved with, as I still cared for him. Therefore, I rarely mentioned the relationship to anyone and froze and shut down through stress (sometimes resulting in a meltdown) if anyone tried to talk to me about it.

It got to the stage where I withdrew completely as leaving the house became overwhelming and a major ordeal because I wouldn’t/couldn’t open up and connect and I felt terrified of everything and everyone.

One thing that became apparent and harrowing was that although I had gained enough strength to walk away and I felt empowered by the decision knowing that it was the right choice for my emotional, mental and physical health, I was suppressing all my emotions and feelings and I was far from okay on the inside.

There were many rollercoaster emotions trapped inside me and trying to ignore and contain them was doing more harm than good. In many ways, the ending of the relationship had signaled closure to one phase of my life and had opened up a new chapter that was going to take a little time to get used to.

It appeared that while I was in the relationship I had become so used to enduring a wide variety of narcissistic behaviors that they had almost become normal and acceptable. Stepping away from all that I had known felt like I had walked from one planet and onto another and I hadn’t got a clue how to navigate it on my own or how to relate to anyone on it.

I soon realized that unless I started to focus on healing myself, I would remain a victim of my previous circumstances as the build-up of emotional injuries, wounds, and scars needed urgent attention. Otherwise, they would seep out and silently destroy sections of my life without me being aware that the past was still controlling me.

It was up to me to rebuild my strength and confidence, otherwise, I would end up alienating myself and causing further damage.

I had a lot of inner healing work and restructuring to do and trying to convince myself that just because I had left the relationship everything would be okay, was not going to be enough.

The first and most significant step I took was admitting and fully accepting that the carnage I had experienced was real and had a huge impact on my emotional and mental wellbeing.

I had been surviving by a fragile thread in a domestic war zone and for far too long I had been intimidated, manipulated, lied to and threatened, amongst many other toxic and dysfunctional behaviors. The whole relationship had been an illusion and resulted in me having serious trust issues as well as losing the will to live. I not only struggled to trust other people, but I also realized I had no faith at all in my own intuition, perception or judgment.

Finally, I gave myself permission to take as long as I needed to heal, even if it meant I would spend the rest of my life slowly putting the pieces of my life back together. I came to terms with the fact that there is no timescale for healing and there was no hurry.

I allowed myself to grieve the relationship and the loss of the person I had separated from. This was extremely difficult to do as I had so many mixed emotions due to the scale of the abuse. For a long time, I denied my grief, as it was complex to come to terms with how I could miss someone who had been responsible for vicious behavior towards me.

One of the hardest parts to dealing with this grief was feeling as though I could not talk openly to anyone, as I believed no one would understand how I could remain in such an abusive relationship and still miss many aspects of that person and the life I had with them.

The reason getting over this type of relationship can be so difficult is that many narcissists display both “Jekyll and Hyde” type characteristics, one minute appearing extremely loving and affectionate and the next crippling, cruel and cunning.

It is not easy to explain that I deeply loved and badly missed one side of the person I was involved with, and disliked, feared and never wanted to hear his name mentioned at the same time. Even thinking about this can make one feel a little crazy as it does not feel natural to love and hate the same person.

One essential step toward healing from narcissistic abuse, I believe, is finding someone to really confide in and who doesn’t judge or question anything that is said. Being free to talk openly and comfortably without having to over-explain is vital to start putting the accumulation of experiences into some sort of context. If there isn’t a friend on hand, it is worth taking time to seek out a good counselor with an understanding of C-PTSD deriving from abusive relationships.

The most important thing that helped me to heal was focusing more on healing and rebuilding myself. Although I took time out to research and gain knowledge and understanding of the type of abuse I had been subjected to, I spent far more of my time indulging myself in whatever felt good for my soul.

Slowly and surely I rebuilt myself, formed new friendships, learned to trust people and forgave all of the past. There are still days that it haunts me, but there is a bright light at the end of the tunnel and although it can be difficult to believe that when you start walking through it, as soon as you take the first steps of acceptance the path ahead begins to become clear.

Healing comes by taking one small step at a time, with gentle, loving care and without hurry.

~ Elephant Journal via Alex Myles


Sadly it happened to me. It took me twenty years to wake up and gather all the courage I could muster to walk out and leave for good. Though not every instance of the story above is similar to mine -some of them are better a lot is worse- the experience is similar though different in context. I still suffering from the consequences of my bitter past. I still lock the door and sleep with a big knife under my pillow. I still have nightmares and trust issues and still blame myself for everything. I have no hope anymore that it will get better in time. I am too old and learned to live with the traumas. But who knows… maybe miracles do exist. I’d like to experience a day without me being in a fight or flight mode. I wonder how it is to feel safe. Normal and safe. – Bebong 

Injured woman leaning sadly on wooden wall