Tag Archives: socializing

Static

… my life at the moment.

For the last fifteen years in fact.

Don’t get me wrong. I moved out four times during that time, renovated two properties from top to bottom, I went on vacation twice a year, published books, wrote a novel took my customary long walks, hiked found new hobbies learned new things and yet it is boring and sedentary compared to how my life was before.

I don’t know… maybe because for the first time in my life I am not alone anymore. Funny because for the first time in my life also, I have no friends, not even mates or acquaintances, no co-workers no neighbors (I am talking to) and for the first time in my life I’m faithful. Yet I’m not alone, I don’t travel alone, I don’t go to the shop alone, I don’t eat alone or sleep alone. He is always with me.

He is always with me that sometimes I want to run away. Go as far away from him as possible. Vocal and brutally honest I am I tell him sometimes exactly how I feel. I said: “You’re too present you’re choking me.” No answer.

I ask for divorce once in a while. He always said no. And we go on as before. Mind you, if he will say yes, I will sign the papers blindfolded. That’s how much I meant it. Why I am not pursuing the act? I’ve been there done that. It took me three years to get rid of my ex I don’t want to go through that road again.

And here I am, comfortably present but not living. Not the kind of life I want to lead. I am Sinbad of the Seven Seas, what am I doing in prison? I guess old age does that to people. Old age and chronic illness. Chronic illness and faithfulness. Faithfulness and love. Or is it care and gratitude. Care gratitude and guilt. The eagle has to land sometimes. Build an expensive nest full of designer things and eat beautiful food and drink expensive wine. Go on a cruise and drive a BMW. Why is it that I am not happy?

God, I’m becoming a cliché. I become one of those I vowed never to be. I can blame no one but me. Life is how you make it. Sometimes I rather live in a dump if I’m sure it is going to put back the smile I’ve lost on my face. I can think of thousand different things I rather do places I rather be. Jonathan Safran Foer once said:

“Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I’m not living.”

That’s exactly how I feel.

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Conversation

Another year came and went. It is gone before I can get used to it. Life seems to be passing (me) by quickly and at the same time days seem to be getting longer. You got that when you’re alone. I guess.

Here we are standing on the threshold of another 365 days of blank pages waiting to be stamped on with our personal stories. Last night I thought: What could I do differently this year? Maybe I could venture out of my cave more often, be neighborly, do some courtesy visits to my guests, especially those who take time to pass by my space. Learn to market myself better, be more active in social media, join groups, participate in prompts, be a part of (blogging) communities, in short: be everything I’m not. 

I will definitely try to be more mobile and occupied, resume my interest in being out in nature instead of gallivanting around cities (being alone most of the time I thought it would be a change if I could be around people I have nothing to do with) buy less of those things I don’t need, concentrate more on experience instead of material possessions, be more adventurous and daring like I was before. 

Yesterday while on the road (to buy another succulent for my growing collection acquired out of nothing better to do in these dark, dark months and I thought I can’t garden outside why not do it inside) I decided to record my dreams and all those doomed scenarios that are always playing in my head 24/7. I read somewhere that the best way to forget things is to put them on paper. Perhaps if I write about them, maybe they will disappear and lessen the bursting pressure in my head.

Maybe I will make peace with my daughter. In second thought, better not. She crossed the line. There is no way back. Besides, she made it clear countless times (which I chose not to hear in the past among so many other things I ignored when it comes to her) that she doesn’t want me to be part of her (every day she said) life. Now, her wish is granted. 

I vowed to enjoy life this year. Try not to worry too much, take things as they come and chase every silver lining out there. In short: Carpe Diem.

To be continued… 

I’m hungry.

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Daily Prompt: Conversation 

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Queen Bee And Wannabe

Why (some) people have to stand on someone else’s shoulders to look tall? And the worst part is: they believe they have the right. But I’m sure deep down inside, they know they are outclassed. Must be very difficult to accept (that’s why) well… too bad.

•Queen Bee – her friends do what she wants them to do, she feels in power and in control of her environment, but this can define her friendships.

•Sidekick – she’s the girl who is closest to the Queen Bee and will back her no matter what. They commonly bully and silence other girls to further their own agenda.

•Banker – She creates chaos by banking information about other girls and dispersing it at strategic intervals, because she knows it’s going to cause conflict. It doesn’t even seem like she’s trying to gossip because she masks it as ‘I’m just trying to be there for you’

•Messenger – She trades information and gossip about others, but differs from the Banker in that her motivation is to reconcile the parties in conflict, hoping to gain social power from doing so.

•Pleaser/Wannabe – She will do almost anything to be in the group, and is always imitating the behaviour of the Queen Bee and the Sidekick

•Torn Bystander – She doesn’t want to go against the more powerful people in the group and convinces herself not to challenge them.

•Target – She’s the girl who is humiliated, made fun of or excluded. Girls in the clique can become targets if they’ve challenged someone higher on the totem pole and need to be put in their place.

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