Tag Archives: socializing

Door Slam

Many people might read this without having a clue what an INFJ is, let alone an INFJ “door slam.” However, INFJs and those who have been involved in relationships with them will understand exactly what it is.

INFJ is a personality type characterized by the Myers Briggs Personality archetypes. INFJs are believed to make up approximately one percent of the population and the initials stand for: introverted, intuitive, feeling, and judgment.

Out of all the INFJ traits, the “door slam” may be the most infamous. The reason is not due to the actual hypothetical door slamming, but because of what takes place up until it’s firmly shut.

When INFJs connect with someone, they give it their all, so if someone repeatedly takes advantage of the fact they have become emotionally invested, or if they are abused relentlessly, INFJs eventually decide enough is enough, and they will sever all ties. This can include blocking telephone numbers, social media links, and, in extreme cases, moving house and giving no forwarding address.

INFJs are tolerant creatures and are renowned for allowing people to treat them badly. They are compassionate, empathetic, forgiving souls, and they try to give people the benefit of the doubt and offer chance after chance in the hope the person will change.

Some INFJs hope that by slamming the door it will make the other person realize what they have lost and trigger them to put in a huge and genuine effort to make amends and attempt to work things out. INFJs don’t enjoy drama or leaving on a negative note, so in many ways, the door slam can be a final chance for the other person to be jolted to action. Even if the relationship can’t be fully salvaged, at least there would be no lingering hard feelings.

Often, by the time the door has been slammed, it is “too little, too late” to make amends, as too much water has passed under the bridge. The INFJs want the other person to get the message that they have gotten to this stage, so they don’t try to walk back through the door thinking everything is okay.

What takes place following the door slam gives the INFJ all the information they need about the state of the relationship, friendship, or family dynamic. If silence follows, the INFJ will just keep on walking without glancing back.

The reason INFJs get to this place of strength is that they grieve and mourn the loss before they actually lose the connection with the person. This makes it far easier for them to accept that the relationship they thought they had was based on an illusion and what they thought they had didn’t actually exist.

INFJs are introverts, which means they internally process much of what goes on around them. Therefore, if they do not feel emotionally safe with someone, they may not openly express what they are thinking or feeling.

Instead, INFJs will figure things out in their own time, in their own way, and make decisions that may appear sudden and shock those around them. However, at an internal level, the decisions are far from sudden and are usually the results of days, weeks, or years of deliberation.

Before the door slam, INFJs usually give out numerous warnings and let whoever is involved know that they do not find their behavior acceptable. Door slams usually happen when an INFJ has distanced themselves after being repeatedly and relentlessly hurt by someone, and most likely when they do not feel the other person is willing to make any effort to change.

Therefore, when an INFJ is done, they feel liberated and lighter, and they swiftly move forward. They may remove all reminders of the past and appear to others, or the person they slammed the door on, as though they are cold and calculated. However, they only reach this place if that person has continuously been cold-hearted with them.

INFJs are not the types to make demands upon people and tell them how they want to be treated, or how they should, or should not, behave, especially when it comes to romantic relationships. They hope that if someone cares deeply about them, their actions and words will reflect how they feel.

The trouble here is that because INFJs are highly intuitive and read situations well, they sometimes forget that not everyone has this ability. They may expect people around them to be mind readers and to analyze situations as intently as they do, and when they don’t, instead of offering clues, they might close off contact. Although INFJs are compassionate, it would serve them well to try to communicate as openly as possible and explain how and why they feel the way they do before opting out.

INFJs would do well to not allow the situation to get to the stage where they feel burned out, used, and abused. Although the door slam is done as a self-protection mechanism, INFJs can try to discern whether they are devoting too much time and energy to those who do not hold the relationship in the same high regard. Pulling back from relationships that are not mutually respectful prevents INFJs from feeling hurt and disappointed when people do not treat them fairly, or do not show them compassion or care.

Although the door slam sounds severe, INFJs are forgivers and may allow the person they’ve slammed the door on a place in their lives in the future, but that is only if they feel behaviors have changed and they aren’t going to fall back into the same unhealthy dynamics.

Sometimes the door slam only happens in the mind and heart of the INFJ, and they continue to remain in contact with the “door slam” person. However, a significant change in the relationship has occurred by this point, and the INFJ will no longer be investing the same time, attention, and energy into a relationship, and the contact will be limited to functional communication.

Either way, it is rare for an INFJ to entirely trust someone that they once slammed the door on again, therefore, the relationship will likely never be the same as what it once was.

Those who are in a dynamic with an INFJ can work out how serious the door slam is by observing whether the slam was done in haste and fury, or calmly and rationally. If it’s the latter, the likelihood is that the decision has been firmly made and there is little chance of getting back in.

INFJs are far more likely to slam a door quickly, and for good, when someone has hurt someone they love and care about. Sadly, they may allow themselves to be abused over and over, but they will not tolerate abuse of any kind when it is directed at anyone else.

~ Alex Myles via Relephant

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The Mirror Effect Of The Empath And Why Some People Instantly Dislike You

We have all experienced it, being around someone who has either taken an instant dislike to us, or a bizarre resentment suddenly appears in those we have known for some time.

There may be no clear reason for this change in their behavior. No matter whether they try to hide their feelings or not, an Empath can sense their loathing and it does not feel good!

Someone taking a dislike to another is a completely normal and acceptable part of life. We are all different and there will always be some people we do not get along with, whether Sensitive or not.

What is often baffling to the Empath is why some people act in an animostic way towards them, when they know they are a likable and trustworthy person.

Now other than the fact that some people will always want to take away the light of those who shine, I have come to discover there are three other reasons why people either cool off or take an instant dislike towards the Empath and they are:

They Act as a Mirror

Their Vibration is too Fast

Their Stillness is Wrongly Interpreted

Reflecting Back

It is common for people to act inauthentically. They hide who they are because they don’t like aspects of their personality. An Empath has the ability to reflect this back to them.

There are some who hide aspects of their personality to manipulate others. But the majority who act inauthentically do so to fit in.

The fear of being judged or disliked, for what they don’t like about themselves, makes some wear a mask of inauthenticity. Even those of a Sensitive nature put on a face when out in the world. There are some, however, who never remove their mask, going through life with a false identity.

When one comes face to face with an Empath there is no hiding from these concealed traits; the mask comes off. The traits they have worked hard to hide or deny are now waved in their face. This often causes ill-feelings to be directed towards the Empath.

Because being around an Empath can bring up anything buried, it may cause a strong loathing to develop in others. However, what those who experience this ‘loathing’ don’t realize is the intense dislike they have, towards the Empath, is simply a reflection of their shadow-side. Anything hidden becomes seen within the ‘Mirror of the Empath’.

The Mirror Effect

Because an Empath picks up on other people’s emotions, hidden behaviors and true personality traits, they can take them on and thus project them back out to their rightful owner. They can wear other people’s truth like the mask they hide behind; even if they are unaware they are doing it.

Anything hidden, such as an insecurity, suppressed shame, guilt or anger, builds the longer it is left buried. If someone has traits they don’t like about themselves, they are reminded of them when in an Empath’s presence. This is one reason why instant dislikes can form towards an Empath.

If this has been your experience, it could well be that you are reflecting back to them the truth they deny. Or there could be another reason…

Your Vibration is Too Fast…

Just like an Empath’s need not to be around people who spew negativity, there are some who cannot stand to be around those who vibrate a clean energy.

When you work on yourself, and make any positive changes to your mind, body or spirit, you become cleaner and purer. This can cause rejection from those who need to be around low-level vibrations.

You may have also noticed that when in an emotionally low place, some friends prefer you that way. Yet when you make changes and put yourself in a high vibrating space, those same friends don’t like it. They may try to bring you back down and extinguish your inner-light and happiness.

Vibrating in a higher space can repel even those you love. People sense change, whether it is visually apparent or not. And they feel when another has changed or stepped up their frequency.

Not everyone is ready to raise their vibration. Some still have lessons to learn at their level and are not ready to move forward. And because they are not ready, they may try to draw you back down.

Also, if you don’t feel like a fit to them anymore, it may cause hostility towards you and another reason they are repelled.

Your Stillness is Wrongly Interpreted

To those of an insecure nature, your quiet, and sometimes distant, ways are often seen as a form of disrespect or a snub.

Because at times, you may appear aloof some may consider this to be superior behaviour. Wrongly assuming you believe you are in some way above them.

Normally, when an Empath acts in an aloof or distant way, it is because they are on overload.

When having taken on too many stimuli from their surroundings and are in serious need of recharging, the Empath wants nothing more than to be invisible to others.

And when heading towards a fatigue meltdown, the last thing an Empath can deal with is someone offloading their troubles, like so many like to do. Even polite conversation is too much. This is often interpreted as a rejection or an insult.

Because others don’t feel what an Empath feels, it is difficult for them to understand why they have to withdraw the way they do.

Sadly, the more insecure someone is, the more they are offended by your quiet ways. If they see you as blowing hot and cold, they may consider this as disrespect and reject you as a way to hurt you.

So, if someone develops an aversion towards you, for no good reason, remember not to take it personally. It is just the Mirror of the Empath at work.

~Written by Diane Kathrine at Empaths Empowered via Theknowing1

Old Mirror Standing Against Wall

Bestow

I would like to receive the same amount of respect (which by the way on the top of my list) I bestow on others. Forget love, forget romance, forget friendship, courtship or any relationship because, without respect, there will be no chance for any form of lasting connection, alliance, association, between two people. Mutual respect is a solid foundation of any strong correlation. Passion goes away, love can disappear and romance seldom lasts but as long as there is respect, there is hope for a strong bond that can stand the test of time. Leo Tolstoy once said: “Respect was invented to cover the empty place where love should be.” BS! How could there be love if there is no respect? Could you love someone you don’t respect? I don’t think so. So, I’d say respect others and their beliefs, their personal tastes and their opinions and most of all respect yourself because only by that will you compel others to respect you.

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Wednesday

Pull to refresh. Again and again. You’ve zero new notification, but you don’t know what to do now. So, there’s always Facebook – scroll away. Someone uploaded the photo of their food – like it. No, wait, heart it. Keep moving. Slowly. Steadily. Absorbing every irrelevant meme and information that’s been thrown in your direction.

Now, switch the app – go to Instagram. Scroll more. Explore. Did you get another DM? Check once more. Like random photos. Follow for follow. Look around. Is there anything worth capturing? Or just take a selfie. Try the new filters. You can make a Boomerang too – fake laugh for it, because the real one is any way rare these days.

Open the chat window. Type something. Backspace it. Delete. Send hi to 7 people, and then wait for their response. I know. I get it. We don’t know how else to deal with this gnawing loneliness. Talk with emoticons, because just words are no longer enough.

But there’s something more – do you feel it too? The anxiety, the pull of sadness, the sensation that something is off – but you just can’t pinpoint what. So, Google it. Search ‘how do I know if I am doing okay?’. Some 6946766668 results in less than 2.5 seconds. Open the first link, validate yourself: you’re fine. You don’t need to change. The world will adjust. You just keep slaying.

It’s 3 AM now. And you can’t sleep. Open incognito tab. Search for porn. Pick what you like. Masturbate while thinking about your ex. Wash your face and hope that this feeling of dread goes away, but it won’t. But it doesn’t. So, ask the Internet obscure things – am I depressed? Will I be fine? What’s the meaning of life? Why doesn’t 2+2 equal 5?

Close all the tabs. Lie on the bed. Turn and twist. Listen to something, but you just can’t fall asleep.

Open your phone again. Pull to refresh.

You’ve 1 new notification.

There. Do you feel any better?

-Hadik Nadar

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Static

… my life at the moment.

For the last fifteen years in fact.

Don’t get me wrong. I moved out four times during that time, renovated two properties from top to bottom, I went on vacation twice a year, published books, wrote a novel took my customary long walks, hiked found new hobbies learned new things and yet it is boring and sedentary compared to how my life was before.

I don’t know… maybe because for the first time in my life I am not alone anymore. Funny because for the first time in my life also, I have no friends, not even mates or acquaintances, no co-workers no neighbors (I am talking to) and for the first time in my life I’m faithful. Yet I’m not alone, I don’t travel alone, I don’t go to the shop alone, I don’t eat alone or sleep alone. He is always with me.

He is always with me that sometimes I want to run away. Go as far away from him as possible. Vocal and brutally honest I am I tell him sometimes exactly how I feel. I said: “You’re too present you’re choking me.” No answer.

I ask for divorce once in a while. He always said no. And we go on as before. Mind you, if he will say yes, I will sign the papers blindfolded. That’s how much I meant it. Why I am not pursuing the act? I’ve been there done that. It took me three years to get rid of my ex I don’t want to go through that road again.

And here I am, comfortably present but not living. Not the kind of life I want to lead. I am Sinbad of the Seven Seas, what am I doing in prison? I guess old age does that to people. Old age and chronic illness. Chronic illness and faithfulness. Faithfulness and love. Or is it care and gratitude. Care gratitude and guilt. The eagle has to land sometimes. Build an expensive nest full of designer things and eat beautiful food and drink expensive wine. Go on a cruise and drive a BMW. Why is it that I am not happy?

God, I’m becoming a cliché. I become one of those I vowed never to be. I can blame no one but me. Life is how you make it. Sometimes I rather live in a dump if I’m sure it is going to put back the smile I’ve lost on my face. I can think of thousand different things I rather do places I rather be. Jonathan Safran Foer once said:

“Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I’m not living.”

That’s exactly how I feel.

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Conversation

Another year came and went. It is gone before I can get used to it. Life seems to be passing (me) by quickly and at the same time days seem to be getting longer. You got that when you’re alone. I guess.

Here we are standing on the threshold of another 365 days of blank pages waiting to be stamped on with our personal stories. Last night I thought: What could I do differently this year? Maybe I could venture out of my cave more often, be neighborly, do some courtesy visits to my guests, especially those who take time to pass by my space. Learn to market myself better, be more active in social media, join groups, participate in prompts, be a part of (blogging) communities, in short: be everything I’m not. 

I will definitely try to be more mobile and occupied, resume my interest in being out in nature instead of gallivanting around cities (being alone most of the time I thought it would be a change if I could be around people I have nothing to do with) buy less of those things I don’t need, concentrate more on experience instead of material possessions, be more adventurous and daring like I was before. 

Yesterday while on the road (to buy another succulent for my growing collection acquired out of nothing better to do in these cold, dark months and I thought I can’t garden outside why not do it inside) I decided to record my dreams and all those doomed scenarios that are always playing in my head 24/7. I read somewhere that the best way to forget things is to put them on paper. Perhaps if I write about them, maybe they will disappear and lessen the bursting pressure in my head.

Maybe I will make peace with my daughter. In second thought, better not. She crossed the line. There is no way back. Besides, she made it clear countless times (which I chose not to hear in the past among so many other things I ignored when it comes to her) that she doesn’t want me to be part of her (every day she said) life. Now, her wish is granted. 

I vowed to enjoy life this year. Try not to worry too much, take things as they come and chase every silver lining out there. In short: Carpe Diem.

To be continued… 

I’m hungry.

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Daily Prompt: Conversation 

Popular

Queen Bee And Wannabe

Why (some) people have to stand on someone else’s shoulders to look tall? And the worst part is: they believe they have the right. But I’m sure deep down inside, they know they are outclassed. Must be very difficult to accept (that’s why) well… too bad.

•Queen Bee – her friends do what she wants them to do, she feels in power and in control of her environment, but this can define her friendships.

•Sidekick – she’s the girl who is closest to the Queen Bee and will back her no matter what. They commonly bully and silence other girls to further their own agenda.

•Banker – She creates chaos by banking information about other girls and dispersing it at strategic intervals, because she knows it’s going to cause conflict. It doesn’t even seem like she’s trying to gossip because she masks it as ‘I’m just trying to be there for you’

•Messenger – She trades information and gossip about others, but differs from the Banker in that her motivation is to reconcile the parties in conflict, hoping to gain social power from doing so.

•Pleaser/Wannabe – She will do almost anything to be in the group, and is always imitating the behaviour of the Queen Bee and the Sidekick

•Torn Bystander – She doesn’t want to go against the more powerful people in the group and convinces herself not to challenge them.

•Target – She’s the girl who is humiliated, made fun of or excluded. Girls in the clique can become targets if they’ve challenged someone higher on the totem pole and need to be put in their place.

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