Tag Archives: love

Loop

Let’s put our cards on the table: some women are stuck with men who don’t deserve them, yet we often fail to take the necessary steps to leave them.

Talking from personal experience, what used to comfort me was realizing there are many out there whose situations were just like mine, friends and strangers alike.

Let’s take Frida Kahlo for instance. She willingly stuck with Diego Rivera, yet everybody knew that he didn’t deserve her. Their story used to be my inspiration, back when I was stuck with a man I wanted to leave, but never felt I could. I tried to speculate: why did she stay with him, and how did it feel to stay while feeling miserable?

The reasons for staying are many, and each woman can only acknowledge her own. Still, I think we usually stay with men who don’t deserve us for four main reasons—and we won’t admit these to anyone but ourselves:

1. Fear—It can be fear of leaving and not finding another man we can profoundly love, or fear of leaving when there’s a chance he will change.

2. Attachment—Not only attachment to him, but attachment to the history together.

3. Hope—Believing that the man we love doesn’t deserve us can be devastating, so we keep hoping that things will get better.

4. Giving Up—Being with the wrong man depletes a woman of her energy.

Rather than taking the below crucial steps to fix my situation, I simply accepted my reality.

We know that leaving isn’t as effortless as some may think it is. Talk is easy, but when it comes to taking action, it can be the most complicated process, ever. We will have guilty thoughts accompanied with emotional loss. And the worst is being stuck with a man who manipulates us into staying every time we try to leave.

One thing I won’t say is this: “Leave, he doesn’t deserve you.”

I’ve personally heard that quite a lot, and frankly it never helped me with anything. As a result, I unconsciously stayed with my partner when I saw the whole world was against him.

Today, I will tackle the steps that helped me leave. Attachment to my partner and to my suffering blinded me then, but with great introspection and courage, I was finally ready to take the blindfold off my eyes.

1. Use the statement “talk to the hand, because the ears aren’t listening.”

Keep this in mind when people tell us why we should leave. Gently ask them to keep their opinions to themselves, or simply turn a deaf ear to them—maybe fantasize about an exquisite Martini on the beach while they’re talking. This can be difficult to do, especially since the people talking will mostly be our family and close friends, but it is crucial to develop our own opinions on the matter.

As long as we listen to what other people are saying, it will be impossible to prioritize our thoughts. Our actions will be based on other’s perceptions and not ours.

2. Be a recluse.

Once we’ve succeeded in doing step one, now it’s time to form our own line of thinking. In order to do this, we should stay away from everyone, including our man. Take a vacation for a week, if you must. We will get nowhere attempting to find our own thoughts with our man next to us. In other words, we shouldn’t be influenced by him.

Space is critical to know what we should do. Perhaps after spending some time alone, we’ll figure out a new way of dealing with him, other than leaving. Whatever the decision, it cannot be shaped unless we take space.

3. Introspection followed by making a decision.

Now it’s time to make a decision. But for us to take this step, we should pay a visit to the past. Sit quietly and go back to the beginning of your relationship. Note the good times, as well as the bad ones. With this introspection, we can come out with a decisive conclusion: If the bad times outweighed the good ones, it is a clear sign that deep inside us lies a whole lot of pain and it’s probably time to leave.

However, when going back to the past, our mind might draw the good times and hardly recall any bad ones. If this is the case, maybe it’s better to reconsider our decision.

4. Find stability within you.

Once we’ve decided to leave, we should find that place inside ourselves where we can lock our emotional stability, which is pivotal to sticking with your decision. Our man might try everything possible make us stay. If we aren’t emotionally stable, we will fall for the trap—just as I did, many times.

Remember: your emotional stability is your weapon, without it you can’t go to war with your man. He will fight you with all the beautiful words in the world and all the unforgettable history you both had. Fight back with your stability and you shall win.

5. Don’t push yourself.

Now that we know we want to leave, it is better not to draw a time frame—we can take all the time we need to do it. Maybe we will be ready in a week, and maybe in a year. Some of us might stay longer, to get over the relationship while staying with him. This way, once we’re not together anymore, we won’t suffer as much.

Take for instance people suffering from alcoholism or drug addiction. To refrain from their habits, some might slowly cut back before they are ready to completely stop.

6. Plan your future.

One thing we don’t want to happen after leaving, is to regret what happened. In order to prevent this, we should plan our future ahead of time. Maybe plan a trip, register for activities, programs, even meditation classes. Never leave yourself without any plans, at least at the beginning of your journey alone.

When a relationship ends, we should use our time wisely. To prevent feeling lonely or bored—and particularly regretful—we should keep ourselves busy so we don’t drown in negative thoughts.~

When using this guide women should keep in mind that they’re the only ones responsible for their own happiness. There is no such thing as “accepting reality”—we are the creators of our reality.

Love shouldn’t make us miserable or doubtful. If it does, then it’s not love. It’s only a false image of love that is controlled by ego, attachment and neediness. Never be weakened by fear. Fear is a liar. Follow your intuition, be strong, and remember: everything looks hard from a distance.

~Relephant Read: Via Elyane Youssef

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Once Upon A Time

For many years I was in an extremely destructive relationship with someone who has NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and during that time I was regularly subjected to a variety of emotional, mental and physical abuse.

Every day I walked on eggshells, living in fear of saying or doing something that might trigger an aggressive response.

Many people might wonder why I, or anyone else, would remain in this kind of environment, but by the time I fully recognized that I was in extreme danger, I was already badly emotionally and mentally weakened and debilitated.

I was living in terror waiting to be attacked at any moment and yet I did not feel as though I had the strength or courage to remove myself from it.

Abuse doesn’t always happen overtly and it isn’t always easy to recognize. Often it is a covert, insidious, invisible drip that slowly poisons the victim’s mind so they don’t trust their own judgment, is unable to make life-changing decisions and feels as though they don’t have the coping skills necessary to get help or leave.

It took me a long time, and everything I had, to pull myself from the bottom of the deep dark hell I existed in and to get myself to a place of safety.

By the time I walked away, I thought that the nightmare was over. But in so many other ways, it had only just began.

The terrors of the taunts, torture and torment that had become my normality didn’t subside. They remained alive and relived themselves in the form of intrusive, regular flashbacks.

Many months after I had left the relationship I discovered that I was suffering from C-PTSD, (Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder.) C-PTSD is a result of persistent psychological trauma in an environment where the victim believes they are powerless and that there is no escape.

C-PTSD is slightly different than PTSD, which is brought on from experiencing one solitary, traumatic incident, or it can develop due to an accumulation of incidents. Although both C-PTSD and PTSD both developed from my experiences, I identify more with C-PTSD, as it was the effects of the prolonged exposure to repetitive and chronic trauma that I felt I couldn’t escape from that affected me the most.

For many months after leaving the relationship I struggled to sleep at night, and when I did I often woke trembling after experiencing terrifying reoccurring dreams. On many occasions when I did eventually sleep I would sleep solid for at least 24 hours, in such deep slumber that I would struggle to wake from it and when I did I would feel fatigued, spaced out and as though I was numbly sleep-walking through the day.

I was easily startled and panicked at the slightest sudden movement or loud noise.

I was ultra-sensitive, on edge and highly alert most of the time, which I believe was my mind’s way of forming some sort of self-protection to keep me aware so that I avoided similar potentially dangerous situations.

At the mention of certain words, names or places I felt nauseous and dizzy and would become extremely distressed. A painful tight knot developed in my stomach every time something occurred to remind me of the trauma.

I still have difficulty remembering large phases of my life, and for a long time I struggled to stay focused, and my concentration abilities were very poor.

I would get upset easily, especially if I was in a tense environment. I had constant anxiety and was regularly in fight-or-flight mode.

I didn’t eat properly. I had no motivation and suicidal thoughts regularly flooded my mind.

I had lost my spark.

One aspect of the aftermath of the relationship that affected me most was the daily gaslighting that I endured. This left me finding it difficult to believe anything people would tell me, and I analyzed, questioned and dissected everything.

Forming new relationships, whether friendships, or romantic, was almost impossible as I struggled to trust people’s intentions and felt scared of possible underlying, hidden motives and agendas for their words or actions.

I dissociated from most of what I had been through and pretended, even to myself, that the abuse wasn’t as serious as it was. Partly because I felt ashamed that I had not left sooner and also because I wanted to defend and protect the person I was involved with, as I still cared for him. Therefore, I rarely mentioned the relationship to anyone and froze and shut down through stress (sometimes resulting in a meltdown) if anyone tried to talk to me about it.

It got to the stage where I withdrew completely as leaving the house became overwhelming and a major ordeal because I wouldn’t/couldn’t open up and connect and I felt terrified of everything and everyone.

One thing that became apparent and harrowing was that although I had gained enough strength to walk away and I felt empowered by the decision knowing that it was the right choice for my emotional, mental and physical health, I was suppressing all my emotions and feelings and I was far from okay on the inside.

There were many rollercoaster emotions trapped inside me and trying to ignore and contain them was doing more harm than good. In many ways the ending of the relationship had signaled closure to one phase of my life and had opened up a new chapter that was going to take a little time to get used to.

It appeared that while I was in the relationship I had become so used to enduring a wide variety of narcissistic behaviors that they had almost become normal and acceptable. Stepping away from all that I had known felt like I had walked from one planet and onto another and I hadn’t got a clue how to navigate it on my own or how to relate to anyone on it.

I soon realized that unless I started to focus on healing myself, I would remain a victim of my previous circumstances as the build up of emotional injuries, wounds and scars needed urgent attention. Otherwise, they would seep out and silently destroy sections of my life without me being aware that the past was still controlling me.

It was up to me to rebuild my strength and confidence, otherwise I would end up alienating myself and causing further damage.

I had a lot of inner healing work and restructuring to do and trying to convince myself that just because I had left the relationship everything would be okay, was not going to be enough.

The first and most significant step I took was admitting and fully accepting that the carnage I had experienced was real and had a huge impact on my emotional and mental wellbeing.

I had been surviving by a fragile thread in a domestic war zone and for far too long I had been intimidated, manipulated, lied to and threatened, amongst many other toxic and dysfunctional behaviors. The whole relationship had been an illusion and resulted in me having serious trust issues as well as losing the will to live. I not only struggled to trust other people, but I also realized I had no faith at all in my own intuition, perception or judgment.

Finally, I gave myself permission to take as long as I needed to heal, even if it meant I would spend the rest of my life slowly putting the pieces of my life back together. I came to terms with the fact that there is no timescale to healing and there was no hurry.

I allowed myself to grieve the relationship and the loss of the person I had separated from. This was extremely difficult to do as I had so many mixed emotions due to the scale of the abuse. For a long time I denied my grief, as it was complex to come to terms with how I could miss someone who had been responsible for vicious behavior towards me.

One of the hardest parts to dealing with this grief was feeling as though I could not talk openly to anyone, as I believed no one would understand how I could remain in such an abusive relationship and still miss many aspects of that person and the life I had with them.

The reason getting over this type of relationship can be so difficult is that many narcissists display both “Jeckyll and Hyde” type characteristics, one minute appearing extremely loving and affectionate and the next crippling, cruel and cunning.

It is not easy to explain that I deeply loved and badly missed one side of the person I was involved with, and disliked, feared and never wanted to hear his name mentioned at the same time. Even thinking about this can make one feel a little crazy as it does not feel natural to love and hate the same person.

One essential step toward healing from narcissistic abuse, I believe, is finding someone to really confide in and who doesn’t judge or question anything that is said. Being free to talk openly and comfortably without having to over explain is vital to start putting the accumulation of experiences into some sort of context. If there isn’t a friend on hand, it is worth taking time to seek out a good counselor with an understanding of C-PTSD deriving from abusive relationships.

The most important thing that helped me to heal was focusing more on healing and rebuilding myself. Although I took time out to research and gain knowledge and understanding of the type of abuse I had been subjected to, I spent far more of my time indulging myself in whatever felt good for my soul.

Slowly and surely I rebuilt myself, formed new friendships, learned to trust people and forgave all of the past. There are still days that it haunts me, but there is a bright light at the end of the tunnel and although it can be difficult to believe that when you start walking through it, as soon as you take the first steps of acceptance the path ahead begins to become clear.

Healing comes by taking one small step at a time, with gentle, loving care and without hurry…

Author: Alex Myles

Injured woman leaning sadly on wooden wall

Puncture

If you ask me this is what happens to most relationships_ a puncture here and there brought by little disagreements, irritations, minuscule fissures of disappointments, tiny holes of dissatisfaction, awakenings, disillusions and before you know, the once voluminous affair full of dreams, passion and false hopes is nothing but a depleted space that keeps growing between you two till it become unbridgeable, irreparable and there is nothing left but to accept the fact that the once had been will never be the same again.

Most people separate. Some brave it through and stay together even though the relationship is over waiting for it to die a natural death. They stay for the children, for financial reasons, for image, for family, for any excuse they can think of in order not to join the statistics. The lucky ones have friendship to fall back on and content themselves with platonic alliance, living like brother and sister side by side bound by mutual respect and care for each other fuel by the memories of how it was once upon a time. Those like I said are the lucky ones.

For most of us the once paradise becomes a prison, living with fellow inmates whom like themselves are bored to death but terrified to venture out there and explore the unknown even though the door is never been locked. If you are living too long in one condition, options are terrifying prospects. The uncertainty of freedom is paralyzing so, better to stay indoors where everything is safe and familiar. The devil you know is better than the devil you don’t. And so they say.

Mind you I can’t blame them. Relationship like love is a verb. It needs constant tending in order to flourish. If you don’t stoke the fire it will die down sooner or later. They say passion lasts only two years, maximum. No one can sustain a passionate relationship for too long. It is time and energy consuming and hazardous to physical and mental health not to mention emotional and psychological well-being (or is it the same thing?) Anyway, real life is far from romance novels. There are bills to pay, children to feed and send to schools. And between work, social, family life and mortgages screaming for constant attention, the first to suffer and disappear is the time for romance. Funny how people forget the most important thing in the midst of chaos. Most don’t realize that without a healthy dynamics between couples, the rest will eventually die as well.

What to do to keep the balance?

I would say find out what works for you and keep doing it. Maybe for you setting a date  for romance once a week will do. For others who love spontaneity (like me) whenever it itches scratch it. Forget about everything for a moment. The dirty dishes and laundry will not run away if you spend a 15-30 minutes (or how long it takes to satisfy the cravings) private moments with your other half. You would be surprise what a couple of unplanned little us-time could do to boost your relationship and add colors to your days.

Other things that might work are giving compliments, saying thank you telling each other your appreciations for what the other does for you and your family, smiles, unexpected little kisses on the cheeks, spontaneous hugs, little notes left in lunch boxes, post-it messages on the fridge. Tease and play with each other, sweet and naughty text messages, anything that shows that despite of your busy schedules you don’t forget your sweetheart exists.

Those are the tapes that sealed those little punctures when you quarrel or have disagreements. When you see a hole or created one, see to it that you repair them before it is too late. Unless you want the whole thing to collapse and be depleted.

P.S.

Did not edit this piece. Any mistake you see, please be lenient.

Businessman-and-businesswoman     

I’m The Type Of Person Who Is In Awe Of Pain

Everything I have created in my life, be it drawings or poems, was driven by suffering. Through you, however, was I able to create something driven by love and happiness.

I wrote you nothing but beautiful words.

The tables have turned today. For the first time, I reach out to you with melancholic words—yet I’m not sure if you deserve any more words from me.

I’m not the type of person who blames other people. When it comes to you, I’m only blaming myself.

I lulled myself into thinking you loved me. Doing so gave me a sense of security. I kept coming to you like a dog would come to a treat. But the truth is, you never asked me to come; and maybe this is why I blame myself.

I blame myself because it was crystal clear that we were not going anywhere and yet, I kept myself living in a shell of delusion. I translated your passiveness to humility, your silence to empathy and your reluctance to hope.

I drew a thoroughly different image of you than who you truly are. And yet, the universe was intelligent enough to spin the wheel of events and unveil the reality of your flimsy emotions toward me.

You never understood love, for if you did, you would’ve understood that nothing can keep you away from the person you truly want. No mistakes, no uncertainty and no doubt can keep your soul away from hers. No temptation and no desires can have you kissing lips other than hers.

A man who truly loves is a man who aims to fix, to understand what went wrong and own his part of the problem.

A man who loves is a man who forgives, who helps his partner remove the cloud that’s shadowing the truth.

A man who loves is a man who overcomes his fears and strongest insecurities.

But here I am today, learning more about the type of man you truly are. I am waking from the dream I’ve been in for far too long. You’re not the one who woke me up though—time and situation did.

And it seems you have woken up as well, considering you have disappeared. You were like a storm that knocked me over then vanished into nothingness.

I don’t hate you—I have loved you deeply, to the extent of not allowing any traces of hate to occur in the future.

But I suddenly feel indifference. I feel what I should’ve felt long ago.

As for you, we both know now that you were already indifferent about all of this. There is no need to keep speculating whether you love me or not. You see, love is simple and easy to spot. Love is a moment that transforms into forever. When you fall in love, there are no doubts, no speculations, no over-thinking.

You just know that this is the person you want to wake up next to every morning for the rest of your life.

And so, love defeats all. To love is to tightly hold a rose with all its thorns and allow them to deeply sink in your flesh. But if you’re not in love, you’ll behold that rose and think twice before scratching yourself with the tiniest thorn.

And sadly, you only stared at my rose, but never held it the way I thought you would.

Passive man, I set you free now. I set you free from my love, myself and my being.

Although I thought I wasn’t expecting much of you, the ugly truth is, I was. And thus, I too set myself free from the expectations and delusions that I willingly delved into.

You’re the one who taught me what love is and at the same time taught me what love isn’t.

And now, I can only thank you for the lessons and the memories.

~Relephant

ritual burning 2e

Finding The One Later In Life

The Mystery

Having met you later in life,
there are no memories of
young romantic love,
high school roller skating parties,
college weekdays longing for your touch.

No memories of experiencing together
life’s first tastes of freedom
or the innocence of believing that
we had all the time in the world.

I never knew your young body nor you mine;
those days when I looked radiant in the morning.

When life finally brought us together
We stood before each other
In the stark reality of all we had become.
Too mature to hide
Yet secretly wondering
If the other would stay
And if love was worth the trouble
After all this time.

Piece by piece
We removed the layers of life
Shedding off what no longer served us
Until we discovered a place deep inside,
Beyond judgment, expectation,
Or what anyone else thought

Where we found only pure light.

Smiling, we instinctively knew
We had everything we needed
For the rest of the journey.

Now
With you by my side
I can see the light in your eyes
Reminding me
Of who we really are.

Forgiveness has never been so easy
And love so real.

Having met you later in life,
The knowledge that our time here is limited
Grows stronger with each passing moment.

Instead of running,
I pause and breathe.
Hold your gaze.
Feel your energy.
And open my heart to the mystery of life.

Author: Christy Sperrazza

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Why Do People Cheat?

Is cheating bad? No, but I think most people would argue that it’s just plain wrong. But if we get stuck in cheating being “wrong,” we lose the opportunity to understand what drives it.

So, why in God’s name do people cheat? What is their problem? Are they just mean, cruel narcissists?

Nope.

Are they just bad people?

Wrong again.

Cheating is a normal human behavior when a person doesn’t know to do relationships (which is most people).

Cheating is what we, human beings, do when we purchase a fantasy about relationship and then expect it to feel good all the time. When the relationship gets hard, the doorway to “cheat” opens because we are suckers for avoiding pain and seeking pleasure.

Contrary to popular belief, cheating is not for losers, and cheating isn’t done by sociopaths that are out to get us.

Cheating is done by normal people who don’t know how to articulate and express their frustrations with their current relationship and are too scared to be honest about it.

Cheating is a great release for people who are not able to sit in the hot fire of their experience when the relationship gets uncomfortable.

In other words, people who cheat seek relief from pain. Understandable, pretty much everyone is carrying around a certain amount of pain.

Little do cheaters know, that like wack-a-mole, they are exchanging one set of problems for another set.

In other words, you can run from your relationship problems, but you can’t hide.

But what the person who gets cheated on? What’s going on with them?

Victims of cheating are, nine times out of ten, in my experience, people who feel bad about themselves. In other words, cheating happens most often to people who don’t value or respect themselves.

So, what to do to get cheated on? Don’t respect or value yourself.

These same people, instead of being open to this perspective, will deny this truth and claim, “I love myself completely, I don’t know what you are talking about! He/she is just a mean jerk for cheating on me.”

Not so fast folks.

If we point the finger at them, it keeps us in the victim seat. Is that where we want to stay stuck?

If we truly respect who we are, we wouldn’t be paired with a person who cheats on us. We’d have a different set of relationship challenges.

By getting cheated on, we are being asked to value ourselves.

So, if you are a cheater, instead of cheating on someone, face your relationship problems and the part of you that is addicted to the dopamine rush of instant gratification. Or, give yourself permission to be polyamorous for a while and stop pretending that you can do monogamy.

And, for the folks who got cheated on—instead of complaining about being cheated on, see and own your part—that you value yourself only to the degree that they value you. Next, see how you being cheated on is your opportunity to value yourself way more than you do.

~ Elephant Journal

Unfaithful Husband

Love Bombing: A seductive And Manipulative Technique

Love Bombing is a seductive tactic that is used when someone who is manipulative tries to control the relationship with bombs brimming with “love” right from day one.

It often takes place within whirlwind romances and is usually directed by sociopaths or narcissists.

During these relationships there is usually a pattern which includes three main phases: idealization, devaluation, discarding. These stages may not just happen once, the cycle can go round and round on repeat until either the abuser becomes bored or until the one who is the target sees through it.

Unfortunately, it is such a dizzying experience it can take a little while to grasp the reality of what is actually taking place.

This concept is known as love bombing due to the bombardment of actions that may appear very similar to “love” but that are extremely overwhelming and deliberately perpetrated. So much so that the bombing can effectively sweep people off their feet and cause high levels of infatuation, as the target is unaware that it is a manipulative means to gain attention.

The approach does not give the person being bombed time to think straight or to assess whether the bomber is genuine or not as the relationship moves through the stages at full speed.

Love bombing is initially carried out through excessive phone calls, text messages, emails, the constant desire to be in close contact whether virtual or physical and the desire to be connected almost every moment of every day.

Those who fall victim to love bombing may be at a vulnerable stage in their life and the love bomber swoops in and naturally seems to fill all the voids. They play close attention to painful emotional wounds, weaknesses and insecurities and will tell their target everything they want to hear and they often express dramatic displays of affection. However, anyone can be taken advantage of and can become a victim, so it is always best to be on guard.

Love bombers are masters at flattery; they will constantly be telling their target how much they adore them, how beautiful they are, how funny, talented, special, precious and any other sweet nothing they can think of. Love bombers will make their partner feel as though they are the only person in the world for them, telling them how grateful they are to finally be understood, what terrible previous relationships they had, how they have found the love of their lives and that they are for-sure certified soul mates.

It is a predatory and over the top move to lure and attract someone so that they feel irreplaceable and fall unquestioningly into their lair without the need for the love bomber to make any real emotional commitment. Love bombing is a one-way game, with the simple goal of destabilizing and derailing the person being targeted so that they become very easy to manipulate.

This means the one being bombed can quickly become co-dependent on the love bomber, especially if their confidence is low and it comes at a time when they appreciate the (false) validation and approval. Once dependency has been achieved and the bomber has received a vital energy feed that fuels their ego they will lose interest and they will no longer find the relationship fulfilling.

This is when they move on to the devaluation stage. The abuser finds this stage stimulating and just as exciting as the early days. As their victim’s self-worth has been determined by their words and actions, it is then simple for them to begin tearing the dependent one down, as they know which buttons to press to trigger emotions, exactly which wounds are unhealed and how to effectively rip at them.

If the one being targeted starts to question the sincerity of the relationship or stands up for themselves when they are being devalued, the abuser will turn the tactic up to full volume and rapidly work to cause the ultimate amount of devastation and destruction. They will be outraged that anyone has dared to question them, especially if their partner is asking for commitment, respect, honesty, authenticity or intimacy—all the things that narcissists and sociopaths refuse to, or cannot, deliver.

The manipulator will do this by becoming emotionally distant, withholding affection, blaming their partner for the downfall of the relationship, using silent treatment, moods or even temper tantrums to cause emotional torment. All of the initial flushes of romance dissipate and the victim is left craving the intensity of what they once knew. It is also quite likely that the love bomber will disappear for days or even months at a time to deliver a timely and crushing blow.

We might be wondering what the point in all of this is.

Basically, those who are out to manipulate are ruled by their frail ego. When the ego is weakened it will be looking to exert power and control to pump it back up. When someone is love bombing although their actions are insincere, the person who is in receipt of the love bombs will not initially be aware of this and they will no doubt return all the compliments, meanwhile, boosting the love bomber’s ego.

The victim will likely be feeling as though they have met their ideal partner and will be genuinely mirroring back all the words and actions as they believe they are falling in love and that they are so fortunate to have met someone so attentive.

Throughout every stage the energy-malnourished manipulator is looking for someone to top up their depleted supply. When it moves from devaluation and on to the discard stage, right when the one being manipulated feels they are strong enough to break away, the cycle goes back to the start to the idealization phase and the vicious cycle continues.

This is because the abuser will not be able to bear it if someone dares to walk away from them before they have declared the game over as their ego will be irrevocably dented.

Narcissists and sociopaths thrive on drama and they don’t care what form it takes.

This scenario is repeated and repeated until one or the other can bear no more.

Idealization, devaluation, discard. In any new, or even current, relationship these are powerful words to be remembered and looked out for.

The only way to ensure the end of the game is to break the contact and stick to it.

Author: Erin Leyba Via Alex Myles

Bogart And Bacall

Daily Prompt 

Be Tenacious

Don’t let go of the man who shows you that you are always worth it.

Accept it, you are not perfect. There is always someone who is prettier, sexier and smarter than you. In this world, there is always someone who’s better than you. You have your own strengths and flaws. All you need is someone to tell you that you are more than enough for him and that nobody can be compared to you.

There will be days that you’ll cry, you’ll break down, you’ll get mad, you’ll feel as if you’re a failure or disappointment and you’ll feel as if you’re not enough for anyone… That’s a real challenge for any man that you’ll meet. It is not easy to calm the storms in the head of someone who is feeling like crap.

As they say, “people come and go”. Yes, it’s true. Most people will leave you once you start showing your vulnerable side. It’s very rare that people will stay in your life, trying to make you feel better and trying to untangle you from all the mess that you’re in… so when a person stays with you after all the shit that you’ve put him through, please don’t ever let him go. Meeting that type of person is a destiny and a blessing.

Once you meet that person, he’ll be there to remind you that you should never give up on life. He’ll be there to remind you that life goes on and you should keep on trying. He’ll make you realize that life is beautiful and so are you. He’ll be there to comfort you and squeeze you into a tight hug when you have those crazy meltdowns. He’ll be there to show you a thousand reasons to smile when you can’t even find one. He’ll be there to kiss away your sadness and fears. He’ll be there to love you even if you’re a mess.

He’ll accept you for who you are and what you’re not. He’ll see you as the most wonderful girl he’s ever met and he’ll make you feel like it every single day. He’ll show you that you deserve every love in the world. He’ll show you that you are always worth it no matter what happens. For once in your life, you’ll feel as if you’re more than enough for someone. You’ll be happy because of him.

He is the one who will show you that life may be hard but it’s always worth it so please keep him at all costs. Fight for him. Love him in all the ways that you know. Tell him that’s he’s wonderful. Take care of him. Don’t ever let him go because a man like him is hard to find.

Words by: Emmalyn Almazan

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Champion

LET ME THANK YOU 

I am just a simple girl. I am not perfect- I cry, I get mad, I can be too sensitive sometimes and I have those random mood swings. I get insecure and I doubt myself most of the time. No matter how many people tell me that I’m beautiful, I still feel conscious about how I look. I feel jealous about those pretty and sexy ladies who seem too perfect on their Facebook or Instagram profiles.

It seems so hard to find someone who’ll love me for who I am and what I am not… but then you came along. You made me believe in myself rather than what bullcrap things people say about me. You helped me to stand up and feel good about myself. You lifted my spirits up as if I’m a new person who is stronger and better than who I was before.

I would like to take this moment to thank you and appreciate everything that you’ve done for me. I know I may not be able to say these things to you most of the time, so here it goes…

1. Thank you for coming into my life. It has been so much happier and better since you came around.

2. Thank you for helping me to become a better person and for being my support system. You have always been there to root for me in everything that I do.

3. Thank you for accepting my flaws and for loving them just as much as how you love my strengths.

4. Thank you for never getting tired of reassuring me that I’m the only girl that you’ll love because you know how paranoid I can be most of the time.

5. Thank you for the random sweet compliments. You never fail to remind me of how beautiful I am. I’ll never get tired of hearing that from you than from anybody else.

6. Thank you for spoiling me with food and crazy adventures. You know how it excites me to eat and drive around with you. Anything can be a crazy adventure as long as I’m doing it with you.

7. Thank you for letting me vent out and rant about the bad things that have ruined my day. You have always been there to listen and comfort me just to make sure that my day will still end with a smile.

8. Thank you for keeping up with my mood swings and for the unending patience just to understand me. I know I can be a bit crazy and overacting sometimes.

9. Thank you for the stolen kisses and hugs that still make me feel all giddy. You never fail to make me feel those butterflies in my stomach whenever you are around.

10. Thank you for taking care of me and for constantly reminding me to take care of myself when you’re not with me. You know how I can be so stubborn and a pain in the ass sometimes.

11. Thank you for all your efforts- be it big or small. You have always been full of surprises and I am completely amazed on how far you can go just to make me happy.

12. Thank you for letting me do things on my own and for letting me learn new things by myself. You know how important it is for me to know my self worth and value.

13. Thank you for being there for me whenever I need a peace of mind. Sometimes, life can get a little messy and crazy but I’m lucky enough to have you as my sanctuary.

14. Thank you for telling me that things will be okay especially on those times that I was about to give up. You always hold my hand and make sure that I will not lose my faith.

15. Thank you for protecting me and keeping me safe. You don’t mind the distance that you’ll travel or how long will it take just to make sure that you’ll bring me home safely.

16. Thank you for going out with my friends and letting them become part of your life too. You know how important these people are to me and you know how much I appreciate your effort to show them how much you love me.

17. Thank you for treating my family like yours. Hands down to you for showing great respect and love to them. You are undeniably a good man.

18. Thank you for building a future with me. We make sure that we’ll be successful together and we’ll achieve the best that we can be. I admire you for not being a happy-go-lucky kind of man. You have your dreams and I have mine. I’m proud to have you as my partner to strive better for our future.

19. Thank you for not giving up on me. I know that our relationship has been tested for so many times yet you still hold on. Thank you for staying with me and for proving me that you’re not some typical boy who leaves after a fight.

20. Thank you for loving me with all of your heart. You have exceeded my expectations and you truly are more than enough. I couldn’t ask for more.

I hope you know that I love you with every ounce of my being. I hope you realize your importance not only to me, but to everyone who has been lucky enough to know you. Keep in mind that I’m always here for you and I fully intend on staying until my last breath. Always remember that I appreciate and adore you with no restraints, and that will never change.

-by Emmalyn Almazan

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Daily Prompt 

What To Expect When You fall For A girl Who Is Used To Not Needing Anyone

This one is going to be different. I can promise you that. But I can also promise that you won’t ever be uninspired or bored – this is the girl who will change you, she won’t ever take your shit, and you’ll be a better man because of it.

She comes across as a paradoxical mix of outgoing but introverted, very social but seldom out. When you’re so used to not needing anyone, you know exactly who you are, and she’ll never fake anything because of it. This makes maintaining relationships a constant struggle for her. She’ll connect with many, and they’ll quickly feel comfortable with her, but it takes her a while to feel fully comfortable, so she can only take being around others incrementally.

This might frustrate you. There seem to be so many walls to break down. Just when you start to feel like you’re figuring her out – you find another piece to the puzzle that throws everything off. Be patient. She’s this tough because she had to be. Something happened that taught her to never need anyone. Someone she needed left before she was done needing them. But none of this will spill out easily. She’s extremely uncomfortable with other people seeing her vulnerable or in pain. Her emotions and pain are hers, and this is what she’s used to.

She’ll tell herself she doesn’t need you. She’ll make situations worse by trying to suppress her feelings about them. When you fall for the girl who’s used to not needing anyone, believe that she has more feelings and layers than she knows what to do with. Her instinct will be to try to compose herself. When she does open up to you, it’s everything. Being emotionally naked with someone is how she expresses her love.

She’ll know exactly who she is and what she wants. When you’re used to not needing anyone, you do what you want, when you want, and without asking permission or informing anyone. She loves this part of her identity, but she secretly wants you to confront her. She’s hoping that sometimes, you’ll put your foot down, and challenge her stubborn ways.

She’s strong, maybe even too strong for you at first. Don’t let this fool you. This is her outer shell. Her armor. She is so used to taking care of herself that it’s going to be hard for her to let someone else in. It took a lot of work to get to where she is: Independent, taking no shit and being happy on her own. She’s afraid to let you in because she’s afraid of what will happen if you might leave.

I can promise you it won’t be easy, she’ll hang on to her walls for as long as she can. She will be enigmatic. She will always want things her way, and she’ll fight you when she doesn’t get it.

She’ll even try to push you away. This is how she protects herself.

But when you really get to know her, she’ll be the girl who will change your life. Don’t always give in to her, but be patient with her. She’s strong, but she’s also scared – scared of love, scared of needing someone, and definitely scared of you.

Because even if she says she doesn’t need you, at her core she is just a girl who has more love than she knows what to do with.

Words by: Anna Bashedly

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Dear Pretty Young Woman Flirting With My Husband

Thank you.

My husband is hot. It’s one of the many reasons why I married him. I know you think he’s hot too, and I’m cool with that.

He likes the attention. In the store. At the restaurant. You make him feel visible. You make him feel like “he’s still got it,” and that’s a good thing.

And I’m not mad or jealous.

Maybe I envy your gorgeous hair, your lovely, smooth body, and your wrinkle-free eyes, but I’m actually glad I’m not where you are in life right now. You’re still trying to figure things out. You’re looking for something that feels real to you, and fulfilling, and substantial.

You want meaningful.

You’re out there in the world trying to conjure your future, following everything and anything that will manifest your dreams. It’s a bitter-sweet place to be, but time is on your side. I remember it well.

I love that my husband feels good about himself. When you pay attention to him, he feels happy and confident. And, let me tell you, him feeling happy and confident works in my favor.

You see him in his khaki pants, and his sexy buffalo-plaid flannel shirt. You eye his awesome dad bod and his expensive boots, and you just can’t resist. He’s adorable in all the right ways. I get it.

I know he kind of looks like George Clooney. I know he’s aging ridiculously well, like a soap star. His salt and pepper hair, boyish face, and kind brown eyes are a beautiful combination. I know how it feels when he smiles at you and treats you with respect because I feel the same way. That’s who he is. He’s a pretty great guy. He looks at you directly, and he listens. He laughs at your jokes and he’s polite. He’s a fixer. He helped you call your dog back in the park that time, and you almost lost your head for a minute.

I totally get it. He’s the coolest.

But here’s what you don’t see. Sometimes he is just like everyone else.

Sometimes he’s not that nice. Sometimes he hogs the covers and sometimes “forgets” to call me when we need to talk about something important. Sometimes he’s selfish and judgmental. Sometimes he’s moody.

Sometimes he doesn’t clean up after himself. And he can be infuriating when he’s being stubborn.

When he gets sick he lays on the couch and acts like he’s dying.

What you don’t see is how worried he was when we were both much younger and newly married with a tiny baby and we were trying to make all sorts of ends meet.

You don’t see his insecurities. Like, when he lost his job and we had bills to pay and our kids were only four and six.

You don’t see all the times he took odd little jobs to make extra money so that our family would feel loved and cared for.

When you see him in the grocery store, or at the bank, or in the bar, you don’t see the other stuff. The parts that make him stable and honest. And weathered.

 All that stuff was earned.

You don’t see what made him the man he is today, which, if I may say so, is a direct result of building his life with me, his wife.

What you don’t see is our history.

You don’t see how our disagreements and our hardships lead to changes in both of us that created deeper love.

You don’t see how much we went through to become best friends. And it took a long time to become best friends, believe it or not. It was work.

You look at him, and you like what you see, but you don’t see him the way I do.

When I look at him, all I can see is us. Us for miles.

But, I want to thank you. Sincerely.

Your attention makes him feel the way he felt long ago when he was out there in the world without cares or big responsibilities—without a family—an unattached guy still drinking from a keg in someone’s backyard with his whole life ahead of him.

When you throw your head back and show him your neck, you make him feel alive and virile and assured and young.

I can’t make him feel like that, because I know him.

So, again thank you.

Now kindly run along, dear.

~Relephant: Via Kimberly Valzania

Unfaithful Husband

Daily Prompt 

Wild Woman Finds Her Warrior

A warrior came into my life, one who tamed the restless nature of my soul.

Before him, I thought I was wild and undomesticated. And I didn’t want to be domesticated. He proved me wrong on a lot of things. He showed me a new level of freedom.

He tamed my soul by aligning with it. This warrior is my other half. My twin flame. My opposite, and my equalizer. Together we strike balance.

As a self-proclaimed Ms. Independent for life, I swore marriage was overrated, and that I had no need for the institution. I thought marriage would mean an end to my freedom. I thought I would feel trapped and stifled, and that I might be expected to consider someone else’s feelings other than my own.

That scared me.

I just had no use for accountability to anyone or anything outside of my own incessant need and desire for freedom. What I came to find out about myself, after an extensive period of self-reflection through meditation, yoga and spiritual studies, was that I wasn’t actually free. In reality, I was a prisoner of my own selfish delusions.

I was aware of my selfish nature, which is why I never had children. I knew I didn’t want to have to change for anyone. I knew I wanted to live my life the way I wanted—and to hell with anyone else.

Hence the reason all of my relationships—prior to now—have failed. I didn’t care enough about myself to truly care for anyone else. I was closed-off and emotionally blocked, and I had no clue how to open myself up and be vulnerable. So I hid behind a facade. Then I came to awakening, through a lot of hard work, and I matured spiritually and emotionally. I found self-love and acceptance in the teachings of Buddhism. I came to completion in myself, where I was no longer living as a prisoner of the past. I was free from fears and self-destruction.

I was excited for my newfound journey.

My independent nature still ran deep. I still had my inherent urge to explore everything possible in the world and beyond. And, I truly enjoyed my solitude because I was no longer constantly lonely in a world surrounded by people. I felt like the sky was the limit.

That’s when he showed up. My equal. The one I had been waiting for throughout all the years I spent decrying marriage. My divine counterpart. And I did the craziest thing that my former self could’ve imagined—I said yes to marriage!

And now that we are married, I have never been happier. It’s a whole new adventure and challenge. The ultimate one, really. Anyone can roam the world and live life on their terms, living in a state of contentment and serenity. However, not everyone in these crazy times, can commit and embrace a conscious relationship with their counterpart; many of us are just still too selfish to do so. So many become disillusioned, as we watch relationships blossom and fail, simply because we have forgotten that it takes effort to stay in love.

Twin flame or not, our marriage takes work. We are two complete halves who came together to unite in divine love. This does not mean it’s been all rainbows and butterflies, or smooth sailing. It’s been rough and rocky, but we committed to our path, and we’ve respected that. We honor and respect one another. We practice communication and compromise. And we trust. We adventure and we roam.

Our souls align in so many ways—we are both seekers and explorers. We hunger for knowledge and experience. We’ve both come out of darkness and seek to bring light to an ever-darkening world. We can go from philosophizing about the problems facing the world to laughing at our farts. We don’t take ourselves too seriously.

It wasn’t always like this though. We’re also polar opposites in many ways. We clashed often, and we clashed loudly in the beginning. The baggage of life would rear its head and things got ugly more than once. We screamed and fought. I yelled. He cried. I threw things. I pulled away and he clung on tighter. I wanted to run and he wanted to stay. He wanted words or assurance and I wanted actions. He’s touchy and I’m not.

We paused. We took a breath. And another breath. We stepped away and reevaluated what we were doing. We reminded ourselves that despite being angry or afraid, we were in love.

Warriors will stand up and take responsibility for their behaviors. They will consider the information being presented to them, and will incorporate it into their life practice. They will stop and see, because they have disciplined their mind, that perhaps their way isn’t correct or best. They can consider the feelings of another and together they can decide on the best course of action to move forward. Warriors realize that true strength lies in vulnerability. That the ultimate test of faith is opening themselves up to grow and develop alongside another human being—the one who is their match.

This is the thing about twin flame relationships—they often fail before reaching completion. The souls come together for their journey. When the journey begins it’s often smooth. Blissful. Like any new relationship, the honeymoon phase ensues. When this fades the two may begin to notice the human quirks and behaviors exhibited by the other. Often, these behaviors are exactly what triggers the other one. As it was with us. All the buttons were being pushed which needed pushing, to serve as catalysts for maximum growth. Yet people quit before the magic happens.

I hold his hand when we’re out in public. Not because I would do that on my own, but because I do it for him. I tell him I love him often (way more than I would ever say it) because who’s to say that I’m correct in my opinion on how much is too much. It’s in the little actions like these which keep the love blossoming to deeper depths each day.

If, like me, you believe that we live our human existences in order to gain experiences and understandings which will bring us to enlightenment, than you will understand why the twin flame relationship must progress the way that it does. Like diamonds forged under pressure, so must the twin flame relationship be forged in the fires of transformation.

We can’t change behaviors if we aren’t aware of them. If we want happiness and lasting relationships, we must embrace the impermanent nature of all things, including ourselves. We must accept that it’s okay to constantly change and grow, to let go of outdated ideas or beliefs. We waste years pining for “the one” without ever realizing that our idea of “the one” is based on some ridiculous idea of a person who conforms to our quirks and demands, rather than considering how we can shift ourselves to align with another when they come into our life. We give up on others because they don’t fit our idea of perfection, or they trigger a response in us. We falsely believe that “the one” is out there who just clicks and we will never have to put effort into the relationship, that it will just be constant bliss.

My warrior showed me that there’s bliss and unconditional love to be found amongst the challenging times and the easy times when I am committed to growth in a conscious relationship with another.

So, I encourage you dear readers, the next time your significant other triggers you—thank them! They may have just offered you insight into yourself, which is something you can embrace in order to incorporate spiritual growth.

And just remember, everything happens for a reason!

-Relephant Via Lindsay Carricarte

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Daily Prompt 

Finding The One

Is it really that difficult to find someone? The answer probably is no, it isn’t. This planet of ours is crawling with all sorts of possibilities. It is so easy to think that all one has to do is to walk out there and choose.

But when I look at statistics and listen to people, read blogs of singles on dating sites and hear their experiences, I can only conclude that finding a partner is almost next to impossible.

Sometimes, it amazes me to see pictures of lovely independent capable seems intelligent enough ladies who are available but having difficulties finding their significant others. And on few occasions, I had opportunities to talk to these women in real life and I was completely baffled by the fact that most of them are:  for the lack of a better word I would say__ a good catch?  They have a lot to offer to potentials lovers, so why on earth they are still singles? What’s wrong with these women? Why they cannot find suitable partners?

Oh, I know about choosy, picky, high standard women because I am  one myself.

But I’m talking about ladies who have ordinary demands and sober enough expectations, the ones who are willing to make compromises in exchange for real feelings and long lasting relationships. I’m talking about girls who are girlfriends and wife materials, the uncomplicated sweet simple caring undemanding kind, not some bitchy lunatic gypsy weirdo who is very much attach to her personal freedom like me. The ones who are supposed to be what every man is looking for, but seems doesn’t want. Why? 

Or I am supposed to be asking what is the matter with the men instead? (yes I know, every coin has two sides) Perhaps meeting someone is indeed easy, but the chance of finding the right person might be a little bit more complicated than I originally thought, and if the new found relationship is going to work, stand the test of time and will end up in happily ever after is a completely different story altogether. 

I am nowhere near expert on this topic, not only for the lack of interest but also for the lack of experience. I don’t know what makes the men ticks and I don’t care either. I don’t give a damn if they stay or go faithful or not or if they fancy me or never look at me,  they can do whatever they wish as long as they don’t bother me much and not fooling me behind my back, it is good enough for me. There are a lot of things I rather do than keep busy analyzing how their minds work. But it’s just me. I don’t know about others.

Perhaps they’re trying too hard, looking constantly over their shoulders, too conscious and too focus finding  the right person? Maybe enjoying life and making the most of being single while waiting is the right approach, I don’t know…  

There are billions of people on this planet, there bound to be one someone for each single person out there? Which brings us back to the root of the problem… where is the one?

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