My words will either attract a strong mind or offend a weak one.
… of the birthdays you will never celebrate or no longer part of
…the life of the people you once knew and still think of
…what could have been if things and circumstances were different and
…of other memories you could have been making but now are just a part of
…wishful thinking.
It is September again.
“There is no such thing as a “broken family.” Family is family, and is not determined by marriage certificates, divorce papers, and adoption documents. Families are made in the heart. The only time family becomes null is when those ties in the heart are cut. If you cut those ties, those people are not your family. If you make those ties, those people are your family. And if you hate those ties, those people will still be your family because whatever you hate will always be with you.” ― C. JoyBell C.
Yesterday I found out via FB that the youngest brother of my late mother died. Away from the family in a foreign part of the country. He was just two years older than me and as old as my sister Maricor whom I’ve never seen since I was 15 years old. She ran away and never came back.
I’ve met my uncle only on three occasions but those meetings had a huge impact not only on both of our personal lives (though I did not realize it then) but on the lives of all people concerned. I will cite misunderstanding as the main reason for the drama. Misunderstanding from all sides and the mistake never been rectified. Partly because I never have the urge to depend. He never (as far as I remember) find it necessary to either admit or deny,. Largely because we I guess both know that nobody will believe. So, the myth still lives and will be a continue reminder to future generation never to walk the same path.
The first time I’ve met him was at the funeral of my grandfather. I was seven years old, he was nine. We travel far to attend the occasion. We lived in the middle of nowhere remember? And my father will never be good enough to the eyes of my maternal relatives. Too poor and too uneducated to be fully accepted.
I don’t remember much about that time. All I can recall was the saw dust that covered almost everything on sight.
The second time we met, I was already in junior high school and studying in the capital while working as a house sitter to pay my tuition. He used to visit me and put me on the front of his bike and we drove around in the rain while he was singing Nothing Gonna Change My Love For You by Glen Medeiros. I enjoyed his company. He was sweet to me. He said my mother was his favorite sister therefore I was his favorite niece.
I did not know when and where the rumor start but it happened, and I did not understand how and why. I still don’t.
Okay, I was the only one who could make him tear apart from the gambling table. I did not even have to do or say anything, my presence was enough. He skipped work just to be with me and only going to wake up if I was the one who woke him up. He bought me coke and hamburger whenever he came home late from work and watched me ate them. He guarded the door of the public toilet in their block so I can take a bath safely he said. They say he was a drunkard but I never seen him drunk. Likewise with drugs. If he was a user, I never seen an indication of it. To me, he was just a pleasant person. Easy to get along with. Friendly and cool.
He avoided being in the same room/house with me alone. He said it gets warm when I’m around. He told me he will tell me something important one day. He refused to elaborate. He said it was not the time nor the place.
That his mother threw us out in the middle of the night I don’t understand. We came home from strolling around the neighborhood and the next thing I knew our clothes were flying everywhere. My uncle while picking up the mess said to his mother and everyone that nowhere in the bible stated that it is a sin to fall in love with a family member. In fact, he said, if those holy men didn’t sleep with their mothers, daughters and sisters, we will not be here at all. I failed to grasp the meaning of what he said that time. I was too young and too naïve. And____
For the record, my uncle never touch me maliciously or indicate something of that kind. He never show or hint anything untoward to my person. Never. That’s why I can’t understand why years later, I was already married and living abroad, he was working overseas, he sent me letters after letters, professing his undying love for me. On one occasion, he even tried to convince me to elope with him somewhere nobody knows us. I declined. I told him I don’t feel that way for him and besides, we carry the same family name.
He never married.
The last time I saw him was when I was processing my papers to join my then husband here in Europe. He helped me to queue for the necessary papers. We said goodbye at the airport and I never laid eyes on him again.
Now he is dead and the truth died with him. So be it.
Sometimes the perfect man is not the one you fall in love with. Sometimes he is the match instead of the flame.
Thank you for never appreciating me for my individuality and spirit, because it taught me how important it is to stay true to myself.
Thank you for attempting to dim my light so I learned that I needed to burn as bright as I could.
Thank you for being afraid of the power of my sexuality, and the mysteries of my eyes because it taught me that only those who can match my passion should be allowed to share in it with me.
Thank you for being scared of my intelligence and the depths of my mind, because it taught me there is a difference in loving how I look, or how I make you feel versus loving who I really am.
Thank you for not being the man that I needed, so that instead I was able to see the woman I already was.
Thank you for never having the balls to stake a claim on my heart, because it left the space and opportunity for someone who will be brave enough to take a chance on the wonderful desire of the unknown—someone who will cultivate every trait you tried to suppress.
Thank you for teaching me that the love I seek is the one that is extraordinary.
Thank you for being all wrong, because it showed me what right will look like—and for that I will always be eternally grateful.
(Words by Kate Rose)
By Billy Manas
what is it that causes people to micro-cheat in the first place?
I did a little research (shout out to Esther Perel’s Mating In Captivity), coupled it with my personal experiences, and came up with 10 reasons people find themselves in marital sh*t storms.
1. Poor Communication
In many long-term relationships, the day to day, “business as usual” aspect can be deadly—especially concerning communication.
From personal experience, I know that when opening up has led directly to uncomfortable feelings and arguing, I’m less apt to bring that thing up again. Over time, this led me to seek someone safe to confide in. When it inevitably became less safe and more intimate, micro-cheating started to ensue.
2. Fear of Abandonment
This seems counter intuitive at first glance, but it is quite a bit more obvious than it sounds. If you’ve ever had the pleasure of an intimate relationship with a lover who is stricken with abandonment issues, you know that self-sabotage is usually the most common way this malady will manifest. One such act of self-destruction can result in cheating or micro-cheating.
3. Neglect
One of my favorite Bob Dylan lines has always been, “He not busy being born is busy dying.” This idea is universal—it applies everywhere in life. Especially in monogamous relationships.
It’s practically cliché, but if you are not doing the necessary things to cultivate and nurture your relationship, it won’t simply stop growing—it will start dying. And Facebook is the most common place a marriage goes to die.
4. Getting outside of oneself
As someone who has made a lifelong study of addiction—with too much fieldwork for my own good—the need many people have to escape their own thoughts can lead to a multitude of ugly results. Overeating, alcohol, porn—and, yes, cyber infidelity. Needless to say, it never works.
The emptiness we can never seem to escape is generally a spiritual malady and can’t be quelled by sensory pleasures. As the saying goes, it’s an inside job.
5. Boredom
This doesn’t necessarily have to reflect the quality of the relationship. I knew a woman whose husband was devoted, thoughtful, and passionate, yet she still found herself texting—and eventually sexting—the guy in her office. Familiarity doesn’t simply breed contempt. Sometimes it breeds bad decisions.
6. Thrill-Seeking
Sometimes known as the seductive third cousin of boredom, a thrill-seeker is usually in search of what is commonly referred to as the “cheater’s high.” This is that rush of adrenaline that most people get when they get away with something nefarious or hurtful.
This is oftentimes exasperating to the victimized partner because it is not the end result—the sex—that the thrill-seeker is looking for. Unfortunately, it doesn’t feel any less hurtful.
7. Opportunity
There are times when things in a marriage are chugging along, smooth as glass, and the one who got away (let’s call her Melinda), didn’t get far enough away not to know where the “add friend “button is.
In a case like this, the man is confused about why a romanticized memory with an overly filtered photograph seems so much more appealing than the living person in the next room who is PMSing and has a headache. For those of us not impaired by hormones, it’s fairly obvious.
8. Disconnection
In marriage, rough patches are to be expected. Unfortunately, if the bickering and resentments are allowed to take on a life of their own, disconnection will begin to happen. This creates a kind of domino effect because, regardless if you are a male or a female, connection is a human need. And when it’s not happening in the house, it’ll start to happen online.
9. Self-Esteem
When two people in a marriage stop putting in the effort to make each other feel special, the person who came into the union with low self-esteem baggage will likely be the first to look elsewhere for validation.
The ubiquitous quality of social media makes it the obvious choice. Facebook can be like a singles’ bar with no cover charge—open 24 hours a day—if that’s how you use it.
10. Familiarity Breeds…a Friendzone
This is a paradox that can be difficult to reconcile. Still, when we are single and alone, we tend to long for the certainty and coziness that can only be found in a loving, caring, monogamous, long-term relationship.
Over time, what started as cozy can decelerate into a close friendship that lacks, well, uncertainty. Uncertainty, more often than not, is the hidden ingredient in passion. It is when we are not totally comfortable with another person that we generally find them sexually exciting.
If this goes unchecked, one partner (or even both) will find themselves on the lookout for something less familiar to excite them. This invariably can lead to the phone in their pocket.
And then there are some who might even say they are, “Truly falling in love.” I saved this for last because, from personal experience, even though this is the factor that everyone would like to believe is at the root of all cyber infidelity, it is the rarest.
Let’s be serious: is it truly possible to find this most sacred human need through well-curated photographs and highlight reels that people spend far too much time strategically posting? Most likely not.
I wouldn’t rule it out entirely, but I will conclude by advising anyone who thinks this is the motive to, perhaps, seek the advice of a counselor or, at least, a brutally honest friend.
A woman from the internet said:
“Relationships are like a pair of shoes; some are soft and dependable, some are uncomfortable and hurt, some are only on occasion and some are awful the first time you give them a try. But, the most important part of wearing shoes is to make sure that you only wear the ones that are most comfortable and part with the ones that aren’t your style. Oh..and you might find your favorite pair in the strangest location and when you do, you’ll probably take the best of care of your favorite pair for many years to come.“
I never heard a relationship described like this before. Talk of quotable quotes and thoughts to ponder.
Someone chimed in by saying:
“I totally agree with this. I think I have passed up some potentially great relationships with some really cool people because I knew they wouldn’t last. The experience would have been great though. I believe that some people are meant to come into our lives for certain reasons and when they have served their purpose then it is simply time for them to move on. Some relationships are meant to teach us lessons about ourselves that we never knew before.“
I guess most of us (including me) had that kind of relationships__ quick but memorable. some of them we ended ourselves because we saw no future in it, others just happened that way. Right person, wrong timing, or wrong person wrong timing, wrong everything.
But not everyone agree of course. One lady said:
Most ridiculous thing I ever heard. Dressed up in pretty reasoning . I guess the poor struggling single mother in some fictional housing estate is thinking the same as she handles 3/4 children under 5 year olds from different ‘relationships’ (fictional once again!) that ended beautifully and left lifelong beautiful ‘memories’.
I know a lot of people who are in the same predicament. All of them close and dear to me. With all due respect but for the love of God I will never understand their choices. Mistake is only once. Do it repeatedly and for a long time and either you are stupid or enjoying that kind of life.
One Kindra said:
“Eh, some relationships are growth, but never will I enter a relationship thinking it’s going to be short term because I could screw up a “forever” being short sighted.. I’ve had several relationships that were pretty good end simply because the other person intended it to be short term and weren’t willing to consider an alternative, this toying with my emotions for literally no reason but to pass time. Temporary and instant gratification mindsets ruin a lot of things that could have been good. Personal responsibility for your own emotions with care to do what is right for yourself and the other person, not shortsightedness but acceptance that some things stay while others go, is where you learn to let go of things that aren’t healthy or you know just aren’t right.”
I agree with the part that sometimes it is not always up to us to decide how the outcome of a relationship is going to be. Against our will, a union has ended because the other person wanted it to happen. There is nothing we can do about it. It is always takes two to tango. Though I must confessed it is yet to happen to me. I am the one who always leave. Perhaps I can sense when the relationship is about to shipwreck and jump overboard before it sinks. I don’t know.
Perhaps we can learn from what one Maria said:
“Everything in life is temporary… It can last long time or short time… It’s about how intense and profound things are, rather than how long they last….May it be eternal while it lasts.”
After all…
“If they are not happy with each other anymore….what kind of forever is that?”
John said.
Yeah. Why stay in a relationship that doesn’t work anymore. For my part, we never know what will happen tomorrow and the only constant in this world is changes. There is really no forever come to think of it. There is a change of heart and there is death. As much as I want to believe in not till death do us part but till life after death, no chance. Unless I talk to someone who had been to after life and comes back to tell people that even there, s/he loves but one I will stick to no forever for the time being.
The moral of the story?
Enjoy the ride while it lasts.
That’s the title of an article I saw passing by my feed tonight. As a whole, the item is nothing but a click bait because aside from a couple of general knowledge tips that have totally nothing to do with the topic, there is nothing there but BS.
You might say it works because I clicked. The answer is yes and no.
Yes, it works because the title had sparked something in me; an urge to write and disagree. No, it did not work the way they intended it to be.
It reminded me of another article, this time in Elephant Journal about Why We Cheat In A Relationship. You can read it here.
According to them we are all cheaters and I agree. Anything we keep to ourselves (like buying personal items and not telling your partner about it or significantly reduced the price__ I had a friend who bought jewelry and hid them under the fridge and when we go out she would put them on in the car__ or daydreaming about your boss, neighbor, a hunk at work, masturbating after you told your partner you don’t feel like having sex tonight, etc.) is a form of cheating. Like everyone lies. Little or small. White or otherwise. Heck, we even lie to ourselves sometimes for whatever reasons.
According to the Journal:
We don’t need to beat ourselves up about this. There’s nothing wrong with us.
We cheat on our partners for all kinds of reasons—it has nothing to do with them. We cheat because we’re pissed off, we cheat because we’re insecure, we cheat because we’re lonely. This is driven by the subconscious part of ourselves that is trying to figure out how to have good relationships.
We have probably cheated on every single partner that we have been with. Maybe we haven’t had sex with people outside our relationships (or maybe we have), but we’ve had those gut-clenchy moments of, I can’t tell my partner about this.
We need to pay attention to the moments where we have this thought: I can’t be myself around the person I’m in a relationship with.
Those are the moments we need to pay attention to. If we’re already having sex with other people and not talking about it, there are mountains of other things we have not been talking about with our partners. For months. Or years. Or millennia.
Here is the logic of that: We aren’t cheating because this is our idea of a good time. We are cheating because we are experiencing disconnection with ourselves and we don’t know a different way to feel good, so we only allow ourselves to feel good in short bursts.
If our relationships are making it difficult for us to be ourselves, then what the fuck are we doing there?
Why are we in a relationship where we have to stay bottled in?
And here’s how cheating reinforces itself: we know when we feel bottled in, and all we want is to let ourselves out. Cheating is a way of letting ourselves out.
So once we start cheating with a partner, do we ever really stop? I think the answer to this could be yes or no...
And the article goes on and on about excuses why we cheat. Some I agree with, most, I don’t.
The truth is more complex than we could ever comprehend. But whatever the reasons are, they are nothing but excuses. We cheat because we choose to do so. We could stay faithful, martyrs, oblivious, remote or we could leave them and file for divorce. The bottom line is: we always have choices. Right or wrong but we do have them. It is up to us to decide which path to walk on. Not others, us.
We could blame our partners, circumstances, background, upbringing, parents and the society but at the end, the choices are always ours. I can say all of this with conviction because__you guessed it right__ I’ve been there, done that, twice over and back.
So, when you encounter articles somewhere that telling you it is okay to cheat and give tips not to get caught, don’t feel justified; because no matter from which angle you look at it, cheating is not right. Forget what’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander and eat your heart out. It used to be my motto in my wilder years looking for my rainbow connection. But in the end, there is only one person you are doing damage to, and that is no one but yourself. So, get out while you can and I am telling you, it is better late than never.
Till next time.
I knew of this song since I was a small child yet I wasn’t aware that there is an English version of this till the other night. I was watching a (comedy?) film and the lead character sang this in such a passion that brought tears in my eyes. ( I told you I’m starting to mellow with the passing of years. In my book, disgusting.) I wrote a poem with a similar contents a while, while back about a professor I thought I had a crush back then. And of course that one (ultra) forbidden affair that I should have never embark in but no regrets.
Here is the song:
“Forbidden”
(from “Miss Granny” soundtrack)
Like the stars in the night that I love to behold
You seem near in my sight yet so distant to hold
You’re somebody forbidden for me to possess
So this love I’ve long hidden, I try to suppress
All night long, all day through
How I long for your kiss
I love you, how I do
Yet you don’t know of this
There’s somebody who found you
Before we have met
While her arm’s still around you
I have to forget
Forbidden love, forbidden lips
Can’t even touch your fingertips
Forbidden smile, forbidden face
Your love is such forbidden grace
If at last though I tried
Getting you off of my mind
My heart still couldn’t hide
My true feelings behind
All I ask is forgive me
For loving you so
And don’t look back as you leave me
It’s forbidden, I know
Forbidden love, forbidden lips
Can’t even touch your fingertips
Forbidden smile, forbidden face
Your love is such forbidden grace
Forbidden love, forbidden lips
Can’t even touch your fingertips
Forbidden smile, forbidden face
Your love is such forbidden grace
Some men can be so toxic to your health. They don’t want to love you properly, but they don’t want to let you go either. The more you give the less they appreciate, and the minute you’ve had enough and decide to walk away is when they are ready to love you and treat you right. So you give them a chance in the hopes they’ve changed only to realise it was all fake.
You find the strength to walk away once more and here he comes again proclaiming his love for you and you give in, AGAIN.
A man showing anger and persistence to get you back once you try to break it of isn’t proof of love; its a knee jerk reaction. A man kissing your ass or making flaccid attempts to be nicer for two weeks isn’t proof that he’s trying, its proof that he knows you well enough to know how to defuse you long enough to hook you once again. Take away a toy, a little boy cries. Take away a relationship of convenience, a man cries. Just because he cries doesn’t mean you give him what he wants.
Stop listening to what your man keeps promising and start watching what his actions actually keep telling you. A lot of you women don’t know what its like to be loved by a real man. You know lust, you know joy, you know passion and you know the fear of abandonment. Stop chasing your idea of what love should be and recognize what love IS.
Love isn’t promising to act right after he gets caught fucking up time and time again. Love is him acting right from the start because he doesn’t want to fuck up. Love isn’t telling your grown man he needs to change so he can keep you; love is a grown man changing on his own because he cant imagine life without you.
~Unknown Author
They say you are handsome.
I didn’t see that.
They say you have amazing eyes.
I failed to see that too.
They say you have a body of a Greek God.
Why I didn’t notice?
To me, you were just one of those.
Looking at your pictures now, I can see they are right.
Too Late.
Not that it matters.
It will never work out.
Come to think of it, maybe I vanished you due to hearsay.
So stupid of me. Naive.
I wonder if you are innocent.
Like you always claim to be.
But then again___
What if___
Does it make any difference?
I guess not.
So, it is better you’re there and I am here.
Like probably it meant to be.
I took off photographs from the wall. They no longer serve their purpose.
I also unfriend someone very important. Until just recently.
It is sort of liberating.
Everything is crystal clear now.
I never mattered.
So, why should they?
And your heart knows the risk is worth it.
Then I met him. It was a love I resisted at first. On paper, we didn’t match. The lens into the future was foggy at best. But, maybe the best romances are the ones we can’t push away—the ones we can’t ignore because the pull outweighs the resistance.
I often wonder if God placed him in my world to love me so profoundly that I hang on forever, or if he’s here to rock my soul. To teach me never to accept any less than a love that makes me feel this wildly alive.
After all, some lovers only need a season to teach us what others couldn’t in a lifetime. And a traditional love story is boring anyway.
(AUTHOR: JENNA IRVIN)
MY OWN PRIVATE IDAHO 
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