The never ending complicatedness of simplicity.

My eyes are heavy, can’t hardly stay awake. My dream world beckons to me telling me to give in to the desire. That pure feeling of absolutely nothing… ahh, pure divinity! Darkness takes me, and I find myself wandering in circles. The clouds part, the sun sinks and the stars unveil themselves…My ‘night’ has fallen.

And though I can feel your presence grow ever stronger, ever nearer…I can never reach you, for I am too lost in my dreams. Nothing else matters, not you, not me, not my sanity. Just let me be free, innocent, and careless. I desire simple things; however, to some this may be hard to understand, the never ending complicatedness of simplicity.

~ Stardust 1035

Factor F

Fishes in deep water

(Being in their element)

For the life of them

Cannot comprehend

Our fear of drowning

~ Out of Africa

images: madelaines & subterfugemalaises

Childhood Revisited

“Growing apart doesn’t change the fact that for a long time we grew side by side; our roots will always be tangled.” (How unfortunate is that)

~ Ally Condie

Sure, you turned out pretty good, but is there anything you wish had been different about your childhood? If you have kids, is there anything you wish were different for them?

I wish I was born into a different family. I wish for my children the same.

On the way

On one of my daily walks in the country side I saw this cute wild rabbit on the side of the track. I thought it was going to run away when I draw nearer but instead it stayed put, waited and posed for me. What an adorable creature! 

A Mystery Wrapped in an Enigma

Tell us something most people probably don’t know about you… 

A lot. I’ve got so many layers and facets I am only beginning to discover them myself. For example: yesterday I found out that I like watching the plants grow while listening to Bob Dylan Tangled Up In Blue (according to The Telegraph: The most dazzling lyric ever written, an abstract narrative of relationships told in an amorphous blend of first and third person, rolling past, present and future together, spilling out in tripping cadences and audacious internal rhymes, ripe with sharply turned images and observations and filled with a painfully desperate longing) my ex will turn in his grave. Oh, wait he’s not dead. Yet. Wishful thinking. No, I don’t wish him dead. I’ll envy him if_. Where are we? Oh, things most people don’t know about me… to sum it up: almost everything.

Baggage Check

We all have complicated histories. When was the last time your past experiences informed a major decision you’ve made?

I am wary of people. I’m scared of them. Experience taught me that. It will always affect my future decisions concerning relationships of any kind. I learned the hard way. I was naive and trusting. Starry-eyed they say. Betrayal by your own blood is the hardest. You cannot get over that. It inflicts wounds that will never heal and will continue bleeding.  It took me more than four decades to say no more, no one can hurt me ever again… 

Stress

It was my toe (the big one) I first became aware of… I could not move or even wiggle it so, I tried to open my eyes instead__  negative. Yet I could hear my mother humming post-war tunes in the background. In my mind’s eye, I could picture the sun slanting through the wooden Venetian blinds across the bed; it was always like that when I wake up around this time of the day on the same month, year after year after year… I imagined feeling the warmth of it on my face.

This was not the first time something similar happened to me. The initial experience occurred when I was fifteen years old. I know that eventually, I would properly wake up and everything will be alright. (If I fight as hard as I could at least) So, I laid there and waited… after a time, I tried to shock myself into movements… nothing. I concentrated hard, waited some more and repeated the effort, this time a nerve gave in; I was able to twitch. After several tries, I succeeded to slowly displaced myself. It felt like swimming in sticky thick syrup, every movement was a fight; the gluey glutinous surroundings holding me back. I could envision how a fly might feel caught in a fly trap.

Again, I tried to open my eyes, thinking if I could only manage to do this, the rest would be easy… found out I still couldn’t, so I slid myself out of bed… butt first. When my toes hit the floor, I stood up; my hand involuntarily circled a post, I realized I must have fallen asleep in D.s room.

I made my way blindly to the door, opened it (handy if one knows the layout of one’s house perfectly in case something like this happens) and called my mother. What came out was a gurgling sound. I slightly panic. I was not only blind but mute as well? Almost playfully, I groped for the banister, found the thing and slowly glided myself down using my butt. The house has a spiral staircase and I could easily conceptualize what would happen if I slip.

Reaching the ground floor, I realized I had to pee; probably from using my butt so much. My mother’s humming stopped. I heard the television came to life; someone must have switched it on. I paddled to the living room and once again attempted to open my eyes to see what program was being watched, I succeeded half way and only the right one; she wasn’t there but bombing somewhere in the middle east was still going on. I saw bloody mutilated bodies being loaded on stretchers… I proceeded to the toilet.

When I opened the door, I saw a man sitting there, no face wearing black. I slammed the door shut and became aware of the fact that I could see again. I thought I must be hallucinating. So, I opened the door once more to confirm my doubts and he was still there! This time he acquired a face and was looking at me straight in the eyes. He was a middle-aged man with an ordinary face, devoid of any emotion; as blank as an unused slate. Then he slowly smiled, the expression spread on his face like someone was pulling the corners of his lips upwards. I saw rotten teeth and were there fangs inside there somewhere? He languidly reached out to touch me and I must have passed out because everything went black.

The next thing I know I was back in bed. Around me, there were voices; several of them including D. I felt hands all over me, touching … poking… Then I was lifted and something sharp pierced my skin. I lost consciousness again.

I woke up in a hospital. D. was watching. He looked worried. Apparently, I had nightmares and aroused screaming. Then I fainted and he could not reanimate me and it was Sunday, contrary to my belief that it occurred on a weekday.  When I asked the doctor what happened, he uttered to me one word; just one: stress.

Broken

“I hope it doesn’t get worse. But even if it gets worse, I won’t regret it. I would rather be dead than live in the factory anymore. Not much difference as they just want you to work to death anyway. And you can’t even think there or talk. but I have to think. I have to talk. I have to talk about what I think.”

~ Broken Angel

Linger

Tell us about times in which you linger — when you don’t want an event, or a day to end. What is it you love about these times? Why do you wish you could linger forever?

I don’t have specific times but moments… moments when I thought: If only… But like the saying goes: Good times never last, and if I may add: few and far between. Like that one evening I was on a horse riding behind someone, my arms circled around his waist, the sun was sinking slowly below the horizon, there was a slight breeze (what a romantic cliché but true) and the chirping song of crickets all around us; it was so peaceful, so quiet and I thought: if only it can last.

Or the night I was caught in the storm and had to row a boat in the dark.  It was an awesome experience. Something I will never forget. Something one only experiences once in a lifetime. Or those two months vacation I had in some far away place where I had to walk four kilometres each day in the rain just to buy bread, accompanied by the sound of ever-present gurgling water of streams and falls and the smell of divine yet intoxicating coffee flowers and someone I seriously considered settling down with. Simply magical.

But just like someone has said to me a long time ago, it is a pity that those moments happen only once; we cannot have a repeat of those or recreate the same mood/atmosphere. It is like having a good time with people or someone we know we will never see again. Life’s little irony. (I don’t even know what irony is and the proper usage of it but I added it so there is a chance the readers might think I’m cool)

Anyhow, I had those moments, points in time when I was dancing with someone whole night but there was no music, only his voice softly singing the song (our song) in my ear. And that fateful night on the top of an abandoned roller coaster where I almost went overboard but reigned myself in on time. 

Little episodes I wish could last but life goes on…

Greed

“We are in danger of destroying ourselves by our greed and stupidity. We cannot remain looking inwards at ourselves on a small and increasingly polluted and overcrowded planet.”

~ Stephen Hawking 

If you could create a painless, inexpensive cure for a single ailment, what would you cure and why? 

I will create a cure for greed. It is the source of all evil. Excessive hunger for power, money and anything for that matter will always lead to trouble, misery and sufferings. Nobody can have it all. If only people realize that. 

Warmth

“Those candle flames were like the lives of men. So fragile. So deadly. Left alone, they lit and warmed. Let run rampant, they would destroy the very things they were meant to illuminate. Embryonic bonfires, each bearing a seed of destruction so potent it could tumble cities and dash kings to their knees.”

~ Brandon Sanderson

Mr Sandman

I came across this passage while browsing the net:

Too hot. Blanket off. Too cold. Blanket on. Hot again… sticks foot out of blanket, hears creepy noise. Sticks foot back in.

I laughed because it is too familiar. But with me that is only the beginning. In no circumstances I can let my foot out, remember what Stephen King said about protecting your feet and ankles at all cost from the thing under the bed? That’s one of the reasons. The other reason is my brain. Yes you read it right, I said: my brain.

My brain has a knack of keeping me awake when I am about to find my way to la-la land. If I’m getting comfortable and drifting off it will say something like this: Hey, look at you, you’re almost asleep. I bet you don’t know that. Isn’t it wonderful to not realize you’re drifting off to sleep? You’re almost there; just a little bit more and you’re off. And this and that, etc. etc. etc. By the time it finishes, I am already wide awake.

Other times it will trick my whole body of feeling itchy. The itch will start on the small of my back; from there it will spread freely, only I cannot guess where. It can go whole night on and on and on… Till I am not only wide awake, I will feel murderous also and close to insanity.

I read somewhere that if you lay nonchalantly you will get more comfortable easily and thus fall asleep faster. Just let your body drape across the bed let your hands, feet and head stay where it naturally fall down and keep them there. Just like babies. They can fall asleep in the most strange, unnatural positions which for us adults painful to watch. We always have the urge to arrange them into stances we think are more cosy, snug or secure. My father taught us not to do it. He said if they managed to fall asleep in that position, they must be comfy enough.

With me, that thoughts last only for a couple of minutes before my brain try to convince me that perhaps moving my feet, hands or head an inch farther or nearer to anything is more comfortable than my current position. And before I know what’s happening, my appendages will move on their own accord looking for the most desirable place to settle, ending up with me not sleeping at all.

My brain only allows me to lie on my back. Lying on my side whether left or right will trigger all the nightmare and horror scenarios in its repertoire, ranging from a Ju-On creeping from under the bed and lying next to me hugging me from behind to the Grim Reaper itself caressing my hair from the back. To prevent this I put two pillows against the open headboard of my bed, another two on my left side and a giant hotdog pillow on my left. Sometimes it works, often times not.

If there is any window in the bedroom that is reason enough for my brain to conjure up Danny Glick from Salem’s Lot hanging outside suspended in the air looking through the glass begging to be let in. There is no way it will allow me to lie with my back to the window. Better to be aware at all times than be sorry, it reasons.

Added to all of that lately are hot flashes, night sweats and the urge to urinate frequently. About these symptoms I don’t wish to elaborate right now. There is no need anyway. You understand.

That’s it. You got the picture of my nightly adventure. There is more but I’ll keep it for myself for the time being. Goodnight and sweet dreams.

Don’t rain on my parade

You’re throwing a party — for you! Tell us all about the food, drink, events, and party favours you’ll have for your event of a lifetime. Use any theme you like — it’s *your* party.

I believe there will be no party. I hate noises and I hate crowds. It is tiring me enormously to be with people I need at least three weeks to recuperate after being exposed to them. I value my privacy more than anything else and I don’t want to entertain in my space. I don’t feel it is necessary. On special occasions, I rather travel or roam around by myself than be with anyone.

Eating out is also not my thing. It is hard to find places that serve decent food. Michelin stars don’t guarantee that you will get what you expect. Or maybe it is just me. But lately, I find that quality in most things is a thing of the past. People either don’t attach any value to that anymore or they find it is not really needed as long as it is current and it is hype, it is good enough.

Throwing a party will be a waste of time and money. I am afraid there will be no party ever. Not for me.