Tag Archives: blogging

Loyal

… one of those dying virtues along with honesty integrity dignity devotion tolerance respect and so much more. In this world when partner and job hopping are considered fashionable and so many options to choose from, loyalty nowadays is as scarce as rain in Egypt and as elusive as anything when you want it. Based on what I see read and heard around, nobody is loyal to anything or anyone anymore. Except for pets (dogs) probably, but then again I don’t and will never know because I don’t have pets and if I would have it will not be a dog or cat but cute birds and (gold) fish, nothing larger. I’ve been devoted to my other whole for the last fifteen years. That’s the longest I’ve been faithful to someone. I hope he is the same but who knows. Anyway, it doesn’t keep me awake. He’s a big boy he knows what he wants. Let him have it. What about you, are you a loyal person?

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Fraud

…that’s how I feel when someone gives me compliments and praises my abilities and achievements. I feel like a fraud, a pseudo, I don’t have so much belief in myself. I find that my capabilities are nothing to praise about. They are ordinary, common, anyone would be able to do them if they really want. I am not special, I am not unique. Most of the time I feel like a fake. What do you know, I can rhyme!  Even that is not noteworthy. Even children can do that. The easiest form of poetry I find. And haiku, they are easy to fabricate also. I’m sure you know the drill. What I’m talking about anyway. My life is the opposite of who and what I am. I’m masquerading through the days convincing myself that this is what I want even though my brain is shouting: “No, it’s not!” It’s for the best then I reason and on paper, and at first glance, it really is only it doesn’t feel that way and I find myself sinking deeper and deeper each day. Fading, till I am barely recognizable even to myself. Am I unhappy? What is that? First I have to know what happiness is before I can separate the two from each other. All I know is something doesn’t feel right. Like an itch that you cannot locate but it is definitely there somewhere and it’s driving you crazy. And there is this emptiness, a void that keeps getting bigger and bigger as the days, weeks, years pass by. My whole life is a fraud, not real, a fake, a pseudo of what I imagine or would like it to be. And I don’t know what to do to change that.

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Tame

Every night, at 2 a.m. I go smoke on the balcony
Everything is frozen and foggy
I look around and the world is standing still.
Every night, at 2.05 a.m. a black dog arrives
He stops, stretches a bit, looks at me and then leaves
Between 2.05 and 2.10, I question my purpose in life
Sometimes I try to remember the past and I see the fog surrounding me
At other times, I try to be brave imagining the future
I tell myself: don’t worry, something will arrive.

At 2.10 a.m. a trolleybus passes
And that is the weirdest thing
Not my inconsistent memory
Not the shadow of the dog
Not my habit of smoking at night when it is incredibly cold and white
A trolleybus at night at 2.10 a.m. is the weirdest thing
Because there are no night trolleybuses in this city
There are only night buses
It is as if you expect a dog and you meet a wolf
It is something strange about my expectations.

As if I expect myself to be a wild horse when I am just a deer looking for shelter
Every night at the same hour
I dissolve into to landscape and I question my hopes
From the height of my balcony.
After the trolleybus passes at the same hour every cold night
I start questioning my present
I became a bit savage
I talk about poetry and art all the time and I stopped carrying about anything else
I am sometimes joyful.

And at other times stiff, grumpy and sad
I cannot bend down anymore in front of life
And from this island in the snow that became my shelter
I observe time passing
At the same hour every night.

Laura Livia Grigore Paintings and Adventures

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Almost

For a brief moment,

Entangled in your daily torture,

You almost had me

I wait for the affliction in my head to cease

But it never does

Not yet

 

False speech drowns my mind

Caught in your network of lies,

I almost believed you

It causes me such gutless maiming,

And heartless stabbing of my soul

Somehow it’s better that way

 

There are instances,

Fragile and insecure opportunities,

When I almost told you

Emotive secrets chained to my heart

You’re not ready to hear them

Nor am I to voice them

 

In times such as these

Trapped in the pain

Listening to your hollow words

Whispering my untold memories

I begin to realize,

I’ve almost had enough.

~ by Pixel-Demon (Kathryn) via DevianArt

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Fashionable

What it takes to be called “fashionable” these days? Expensive gadgets? (Guilty) to take lots of selfies (not guilty) to post on social media (I don’t even have an Instagram account) to show to the world how lucky you are? Big house? (Guilty) Big car? (Guilty) Having the latest trends (Guilty) of must haves it things? Jet-setting? (Is going on holidays a crime? If- then I’m guilty) How about a butt as big as KK? (not guilty) Cosmetic Enhancements? (Also not guilty) Job Hopping? Exercising freedom of speech in every possible opportunity appropriate and inappropriate for the sake of being current and involved in the eyes of… social media? Being tech savvy? Even only for pleasures (what else?) How about those current trends on fashionable illnesses like depression anxiety ADHD schizophrenia bipolar and all those delusional diseases and lifestyles complaints? Chronic conditions that modern medicine don’t want to acknowledge? Thinking of fibromyalgia CFS IBS RA, ME and bunch of disorders I can’t memorize let alone pronounce. Changing partners? (Guilty) Ever so often like changing underwear (Not guilty) Adopting rainbow family like AJ. I don’t know. What it takes to be considered fashionable these days? Tell me. 

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What Do I Care About

…plants. My plants. I care about them so much I often neglected my own needs and put theirs before me. They are the first things I attend to when I wake up in the morning (or evening, or night) even before I tidy up myself even though I care a lot about my personal hygiene too. I don’t care about makeup or beautifying products and only discovered the worth of a lipstick two years ago but I care about maintenance. I like to be clean though I hate the process of doing it. Too much ado and takes too much time. Especially lately when moving is not how it used to be. I won’t elaborate so much on that. Just imagine a machine way passed its time and you will get the picture.

What else I care about… writing. I do that first when it is raining (hard) and it is impossible to go out in my garden. I do it before drinking and eating and doing other things. I care about the books I wrote I made a copy for each of them on a USB stick and carry it with me wherever I go in case the house burns. I care about design too. Interior design. Cohesiveness and proper things in proper places. I care about design so much I will hesitate to buy anything for myself and feel guilty when I succumb to the temptation but I will not have a second thought buying anything for the house (or for the garden) I once spent fifty thousand euro purchasing things to decorate the house. I don’t do that (much) anymore.

Books… I care about books too. I can’t live without them. So maybe it is a need more than care that makes me treasure them. The urge is so strong I steal them from hotels when I’m on holiday. I will go to a lobby of any hotel check the book corner, take what interest me and replace what I took with my own books that I have read already.

Pictures… Images… That’s another thing that I care so much about. So much so that I back up all the copies I have saved in special folders. I don’t care if they are mine or others as long as it speaks to me I will save them.

I care about nature and animals. I don’t have pets but I care about them and hate to see them in captivity like in zoos circus and fair attractions. They belonged to their natural habitat. I believe they are happier there.

I care about underdogs, justice, less fortunate and elderly. I care about order, harmony, tolerance, RESPECT, and equality. There are so many things I care about and needless to say they are also the things that interest me the most.

Longing

I’m homesick for a home that hasn’t yet been built
That has no foundation
Except for the tears that I’ve spilled
A home where my dreams start to breathe
And my wild things can dance
And twirl in the wind
And believe in romance
My heart aches for a place that’s been only a whisper
A thought I haven’t had but can clearly remember…

— Deanne Tiffany

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Leaf

“I’ve still got a place for you in my heart, just not my life.” 

As much as you mean to me, the time has come for me to finally remove myself as one of your options.

The truth that I have come to believe is that any man who really wanted to be with me, wouldn’t be conflicted about it—he’d be all in.

Simply for the reason that I’m a woman worth being all in for.

But you never could quite decide what I was to you—and while I think you did know more than you pretended to—it doesn’t  matter so much what we think or feel, it matters what we do.

And you never did a damn thing when it came to me.

The reality is—indecision can be a decision unto itself.

I used to become frustrated with you because I could tell there were no easy answers and that there was always more to our story-line than you ever let on.

I spent time wondering about everything that lay unsaid between us—but I don’t anymore.

Because I said all that I needed to, and whether you did or not isn’t something I need to spend time losing sleep over.

And the closure I sought from you—that never came—no longer haunts me, because I’ve accepted that loose ends are just part of who we are.

I’ve learned that sometimes there are no endings—and that’s okay because I know now that I can still find a new beginning.

I won’t sit here and disgrace our history or promise that my lips will never again touch yours because I will never assume that I know more than whatever divine force governs this world.

But the only thing I do know is that at this moment in time, you don’t want to be here in this place by my side with your arm around me—and so, I’ve decided to pursue things with someone who does.

You wanted me to move forward and move on, so I am—right into the arms of a man who doesn’t make me second-guess his interest and who doesn’t shut down when I ask difficult questions.

The thing is, I don’t really even know what we were because you could never find the words yourself.

And although you never asked me to be yours—you also never really closed the door on us completely.

But this time—as much as I care for and respect you—I cannot remain in this place any longer.

I can’t keep asking if you’re ready, to be honest and to address things like adults, only to be shut down once again.

My heart is tired—and a woman can only be pushed away so many times before she actually makes the choice to walk away.

The thing that hurt me the most was how you made it seem as if I coerced you against your will—acting as a siren, beckoning you to demise along my curvy coasts.

I was never your downfall, but perhaps I was your kryptonite because even Superman has a weakness.

I don’t know if you have ever admitted the truth to yourself or if lies still taste that much sweeter.

Because you are the artist in this masterpiece, and therefore you only see what you want to—or what you are comfortable with.

Regardless of our tangled loose ends—and no matter how many tears I may still shed over you—I can’t be an option for you when you decide you want to find yourself again.

I don’t expect you to care because you’ve made it clear that you already have moved on.

Yet I still have to wonder that if through all your bolstered convictions, you were trying to convince me or yourself more.

Although I know that I can no longer be one of your options, I don’t actually know how to do that—because somehow you’ve become a part of my heart without me even wanting you there, and so now it makes it difficult to discover how to exactly remove you.

All I know is that no one has ever brought me to my knees, simply by looking into my eyes, like you have.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring—all I know is that you can’t (or don’t) want to be here, and there is another man who does.

A man who I still can’t picture touching my body, simply because I haven’t yet been able to erase your name from my skin.

One of the saddest parts of all of this is that I know I had the same effect on you—it just wasn’t convenient or “supposed” to happen.

But our eyes don’t lie, even when our hearts try to.

And so, with every step I take away from you, I sometimes take two back.

You are the most delicious struggle to move on from, but I am trying.

So I travel a little bit further every day, until maybe someday I’ll get far enough away that I can convince myself neither of us felt anything.

And it won’t matter if it’s the truth or not because I know that with time we can convince ourselves of almost anything.

However, before I leave this place for good, you should know that I meant every word I’ve ever said to you.

Especially when I told you that I love you.

Because I know that no matter what has transpired, I will never regret telling you those beautifully simple words.

With each step I take, I send you my sweet succulent love, not knowing where my path will lead me.

It’s possible it will lead me into the arms of the man who’s been waiting for me to find him all along—or it might lead me right back to you.

Because the pain and confusion of leaving loose ends mean that you know quite well they’re still there, left untied and waiting, in case this time—you decide you really do want to tie it up, once and for all.

“Some things just need to be let go of. If it’s meant to be you’ll find each other again.” 

Relephant: Via Kate Rose

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Truth Slap

The deeper you are, the harder it becomes for you to find someone who wants to have a relationship with you. You can go out on a lot of dates but at some point the relationship fails to progress any further and that is mainly because of the intensity of your depth. Not every man is strong enough to handle a deep woman. Here’s why:

1. A deep woman asks deep questions. A deep woman will probe further into your life and ask questions that you may not be prepared to answer. Even on the first date, she will dig deeper and ask personal and philosophical questions – she will never enjoy a shallow conversation.

2. A deep woman is honest. Too honest – often blunt. A deep woman takes her integrity seriously and one thing she believes in is honesty. If you ask her anything, she will tell you the truth and she expects the same from you.

3. A deep woman knows what she wants. Or who she wants. A deep woman knows right away if she likes you and doesn’t need to date around or explore her other options to be sure of her feelings. Her heart only beats for a special few people and she knows them right away.

4. A deep woman wants a deep relationship. She wants long conversations about your life, she wants to hear stories about your past, she wants to understand your pain and she wants to add value to your life. She wants a real relationship that goes beyond going out and having fun.

5. A deep woman is not afraid of intimacy. She is not afraid of getting closer or risking getting hurt in the process. She doesn’t think it will entrap her freedom or make her vulnerable. Her depth and intimacy go hand in hand and she will always cherish the beauty of intimacy in relationships.

6. A deep woman sees through you. She can see who you really are and what makes you vulnerable. She is not the one to hold back from pointing out what she sees in you or how well she can read you. Even though it makes you uncomfortable, she wants you to know that she understands you and that you can be yourself around her.

7. A deep woman craves consistency. She gets turned off by inconsistency or flaky behavior. She desires a strong connection and a solid bond and she knows that consistency is the foundation of that bond. A deep woman will not participate in the dating games.

8. A deep woman is intense. She may be slightly intimidating because she brings intensity to everything she does. Her emotions are intense and so are her thoughts. She will never be indifferent to things that matter to her – not everyone is strong enough to handle her intensity.

9. A deep woman only knows how to love deeply. If you can’t love her deeply, she will walk away. She doesn’t know how to casually date someone she’s really into or be friends with someone she has feelings for. A deep woman knows when someone can’t meet her halfway and she will slowly detach herself from anyone who is not willing to give her the deep love she is looking for.

10. A deep woman won’t wait for you. She will not wait for you to make up your mind or watch you be hesitant about her. She is strong and passionate and will not waste her emotions on someone who doesn’t appreciate their depth. Even though she is looking for a special kind of love, a deep woman is not afraid of being on her own.

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Disobey

How to Write Bad Poetry:

Start with: SCISSORS

Scissors are very good cutting your prose

into pieces (as well as fending off mobs of real poets).

It works better if you start with

some imagery, such as simile

because if everything is there

in the first place that makes it like

a childhood craft project:

mindlessly cutting and pasting

fragments of thoughts,

searching for meaning.

(a cliché by the way works well,

And may I mention

Add some tension

through predictable rhyme

how simply (time, climb, rhyme! no wait….) sublime!

Don’t even try to count syllables, meter is forbidden. Ridiculously longer lines

Followed with

Short lines

For a

few lines

Really annoy people.

Choose whatever pet peeves

are in season, which leaves

Random

Words

Distributed

Across

The

Page

or web speak (LO and bad spelling,

Rules of Punctuation; whats that

It sounds as useful as putting

St*pid stanzas in my work.

I CALL IT FREE VERSE,

HATER!!

Don’t forget to sprinkle drama liberally:

 

Spellcheck wounds my page,

Like razor blades

cause they’re made

For cutting things ‒ duh.

I can hear my page sigh

I wish I could die

The world is black like my

black boots thigh-high

 

Create rhyme even if it’s grammatically incorrect!!!!11eleventy-1!!

Do you think they’ll notice?

Who created the rules, does anyone know?

Hi-ho, philosophical contemplations below

with my rhetorical questions!

(Is that a Pretense of Pretension?

unseen irony?! OH, NOES!

I did that last climax so fast

I forgot to close my brackets!

 

End with:

TWO FORKS.

Chances are it’ll give most people the shits (bad pun!)

but the forks don’t help with swallowing bad poetry. (and again!)

Chances are your worst critics will call it quits!

Instead, they will stick the forks into their eyes go postal, have suspended computer privileges and will only have rubber safety utensils from there on in.

That way you’ll never know how bad your poetry really was…

Shame, really.

Storage Note: Best kept bottled up in an air tight container as Bad Poetry Stinks.

(found this among my old documents)

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9 Reasons Why Intelligent People Have Fewer Friends

Intelligent people have fewer friends. The more real you are the fewer friends you have. Here’s why:

1. You’re liberated in your own speech, thoughts, and actions, which can be contrary to those of your “friends.” You have a strong mindset and values. Your mind isn’t limited and you always have something to say. You think differently to others but you’re not bothered by their opinions on it.

2. You don’t have time for forced fake catch-ups or pointless conversations, trying to keep up with what everyone is up to. So, you mostly spend time alone. You don’t care about the latest trends or latest music. You have no interest in materialistic things. You also don’t have FOMO (fear of missing out), so you’re quite content doing your own thing. Your world seems to flourish more on your own.

3. You can see beyond people’s “trying hard” persona so you distance yourself from people who aren’t worth your time. These people are what I like to call social climbers. They try to get involved with certain people for the sake of being popular or simply to look good (I have lost all faith in humanity).

4. You talk less and listen more so you find yourself sitting back observing the norms of today: The constant posting on social media, backstabbing, unloyal partners and disrespectful behaviour. It puts you off because you’re far more mature. You see more to life. You believe in radiating the energy you want to be around. You are humble and encouraging to all but you don’t put your time and trust into people who don’t deserve it.

5. You don’t get involved in drama. You don’t thrive off it like others do. Family is more important to you. You would rather watch an episode with your sister then go to a bar with the girls. The unnecessary drama that comes with a night out is exactly what you avoid because you know you’ll regret it when they instantly put you in a bad mood. You prefer doing things according to your own terms/will.

6. You don’t need to prove your worth to anyone. You’re happy with yourself. You’re independent and strong. You don’t rely on others. You can support yourself. You don’t need to wake up to 10 snapchats or 300 Instagram likes to be able to smile every morning. You’re grateful for the little things. You don’t feel the need to be accepted by anyone but yourself.

7. You have already worked out who your real friends are so you don’t feel the need to have any new ones. You are aware of who’s curious and who’s concerned. You are very cautious when letting people in your life unless someone throws your mind for a whirlwind and is as compatible as you. And by this I mean: thinks the same, express the same and has the same values. That’s the only time you let a new person in your life. But it still isn’t as easy as that. You still test them in situations to see if they really care about you as a person or if they just want to know your tricks of the trade.

8. You’re an old soul so you have visions for the future. You feel uncomfortable telling your dreams to small minded people. You work hard to achieve your goals and you don’t have time for setbacks. While others are trying to plan their night out at the club, you’re grinding. You see more than just going to a club, you see a life you want to chase. Your focus is different. Your time is being invested on growth. You don’t expect people to understand what you’re up to. Eventually, they’ll see.

9. People see you as a threat because you keep to yourself. Nevertheless, you have no fear in saying it straight or confronting someone when they’re out of line. You’re a force to be reckoned with. However, there are few that take you seriously and know how unique you are. These people are the ones you have time for and make effort with. You know what you bring to the table, and so this is why you’re not afraid to eat alone.

Words by: Natalie Villani

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