Tag Archives: blogging

Solitary

…should I join the humanity again which I willingly left a long time ago after I danced to their music and sang to their tune and found out that being ‘a copy’ of the majority is a TOO HIGH price to pay in order to belong?

Simon and Garfunkel say:

“I have my books

And my poetry to protect me

I am shielded in my armour

Hiding in my room, safe within my womb,

I touch no one and no one touches me.

I am a rock, I am an island

And a rock feels no pain,

And an island never cries.”

…I chose to be a recluse, a hermit; me and my four walls. I always follow my feelings. I do not think. I worry a lot but never think. Feelings guide me and they never disappoint. I always know what to do.

Lately, I’m afraid I am losing touch. I am becoming blind and confused. I CANNOT feel my way anymore. I’m just stumbling through the days; not really knowing what to do. I ‘m afraid I am losing my true north.

My SOLITARY WORLD had been full of vivid colours, powerful scents, complex feelings, dramatic sounds and it was amazingly three dimensional down to the tiniest of details!

NOT ANYMORE! Lately, it is grey, one dimensional and very flat and far away. As if I am not a part of it. Like watching a film; you are there but not part of what is happening. Like looking through an aquarium. A silent spectator. Hopeless and powerless.

Do I NEED somebody after all? Do I have to be part of the world I despise so much? Am I not the person I thought I am? Is personal freedom not really important as much as I thought it is?

Or I’m getting old and starting to get MELLOW? Realizing for the first time that my own mortality, the things I once valued are not really that important?

Should I creep slowly out of my cave and end my HIBERNATION? See the world again, but this time not alone?

SHOULD I let somebody into my secrets and into my LIFE? SHOULD I?

GOD! It’s scary!

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Unfurl

Emotional intelligence is growing as a recognizable and useful skill.

A step in developing emotional intelligence is learning how to identify and relate with people who are not awakened to their own emotional state and expressions. Emotional insecurity is common with people who do not recognize, see or value subtle sensitivities.

When attempting to be open-hearted with an emotionally insecure individual, they have core predictable responses. The stories will change, yet these energetic-attitude patterns are observable beneath the words.

My perspective of emotional security rests in a person’s inability to accept how another person feels, experiences life, and exists. The emotionally insecure person is challenged by existential differences.

This list of personal experiences reflects my insight, both as a person who feels insecure at times, and who relates with and loves people who also have insecurities. These are not judgments about a person’s character, yet identifying personality patterns can turn an old fight into a new response.

1. Defensiveness.

A person who is under attack and feels pressured will be defensive. It is a natural response for every person and just because a person is feeling defensive doesn’t make them emotionally insecure.

The reason a person becomes defensive is because emotions tap into identity and self-esteem. Without an awareness and capacity to operate with emotions, the emotional realm and its expression and languages are frightening.

Frightened people respond in two ways, either running from or fighting with the trigger. It takes time to see and operate securely with emotions and sensitivities.

Emotional insecurity is identified when a person is so defensive they are unable to hear or accept differences of any degree. Even everyday, scientifically provable facts can become a point of contention. When it comes to differences in feelings the mere presence of emotion and feeling can trigger the defensive reaction.

This entire list is varieties of defensive responses.

2. Redirection.

The emotionally insecure person will redirect blame, fault or mistake back onto the person who brings legitimate concerns.

In a secure relationship, all topics of conversation are open for discussion. Asking for clarification or bringing up a personal point or perspective remains a cause for celebration. Unfortunately, attempts to communicate become the cause for conflict and separation.

When a person does not feel safe emotionally, redirection can be a powerful tool for not owning one’s own participation and never having to take responsibility.

3. Misdirection & Storytelling.

Similar to redirection, misdirection takes responsibility and places it on an object or circumstance rather than the person bringing the concern.

Whether it was the booze, the full moon, astrological birth sign, or childhood event, misdirection blinds a person to what is happening in the moment. Even when there is legitimacy in the misdirection, it becomes a way to not hear and see the person as they are showing up, now.

Even legitimate, truthful reasons can be used for hiding emotionally.

Just because something happened in the past and influenced this moment does not make it the cause or thing that needs to be discussed. In talking about the past and over-analyzing what a person shares, the individual and the opportunity to deepen relationship are missed.

Rather than looking at what is really happening and being communicated, the cause remains unaddressed. A lot of endless, circular talking happens until one person takes responsibility and acts from their own center.

4. Comparison.

Just because people or circumstances are similar, comparison confuses the real issue. Rather than hearing and seeing a person or issue plainly, a filter is added. This creates confusion.

A son is not just like his father, a daughter is not just like her mother. People of any ethnicity, age, background, though similar, are completely individual and unique. The new person in one’s life is not just like an old, even if there are common points. Not all Christians, Muslims, Hindus or Discordians are the same. Each is an individual.

Reality is totally missed when framing a person as “just like so and so” or taking a situation and saying “its just like this other time.”

They aren’t just like so and so.

And this moment has never happened before and never will again happen.

5. Invalidation.

Subtle and pernicious, invalidation strikes at a person’s emotional, existential core.

Invalidation makes a person wrong for feeling how they feel. The emotionally insecure person, incapable of working with and coping with their own emotions, invalidates and puts down whoever is attempting to communicate.

The most damaging of emotional defensive patterns, invalidation can be difficult to recognize.

“You are being too sensitive.” is the battle cry of invalidation. Its variations mock and undermine a person’s subtle perceptions of reality and relationships with other people.

Invalidation is difficult to communicate with words, it happens as a feeling. The result of invalidation is the loss of trust and security. It can happen quickly and without warning, often unintentionally with careless words.

A person knows when it happens, yet often times cannot recognize what has happened until after the experience.

While recognizing emotional insecurity is one step, learning to relate and navigate the effects of emotional insecurity takes time. It’s a learned skill dependent on self-knowledge. How a person relates to their own self, operating with their own emotional nature, is the foundation, attitude and exact same relationship style shared with other people. Learning to relate with emotional insecurity with others first depends on how one relates to it within, first.

The greatest challenge there is how a person treats their own self when feeling emotionally insecure. The dynamic and internal dialogue are the relationship traits one lives daily within and without.

There is no quick fix for emotional insecurity. It is normal. Self-knowledge remains the cure.

“And God said “Love Your Enemy,” and I obeyed him and loved myself.” ~ Khalil Gibran

Relephant: Via Keith Artisan

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Random Thoughts

Getting to that point again where it doesn’t feel like the tiles on the floor are cold anymore and the boiling water is missing its bubbles and the boy looks right through you and doesn’t see your eyes. The silent screaming of a girl so unaware of the fact she will rise again and will not be left behind. The notations of quotations that cannot drown but try to swim to middle earth anyways.

Walking home alone is not as bad as being with none around you with no one surrounding you and when you go to say hello they fly back and warn you that they are dangerously in love with you and it’s better to stay right there.

Your career is chosen along with your haircut and the voice in the back of your head is saying something along the lines of today will be cloudy with a chance of depression. The sunny, sunny moon is up and he is so cold, he cannot talk, and when you whisper I miss you all he hears is his own voice the only thing that matters.

9:30 is going time and I don’t see it happening and the dress is waiting and so is my heart for the three words to see if they will ever return. Today be the last day for me to consume and seven will be empty but the results will tell a better story than the change rooms did.

The man with the name that does not please me will try to tease me but realizes I own this game and the time is stopping and my mineral water bottle is empty again. The food shall last a whole weeks’ time or I might have to run away for good and not look back at all that has failed me and not focus on the fact I am exactly what I hate and try to erase the past that prevails me and run, run, run!

(found among old documents)

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TGIF

I believe in the kind of love that doesn’t constantly demand me to prove my worth and sit in anxiety. I crave a natural connection where my soul is able to recognize a feeling of home in another. Something free-flowing, something simple, something natural. I just want to be taken as I am without question.

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Glaring

…undeniable truth of our current climate, society, economy, social/familial morals and values, work ethics, priorities, preferences dreams, goals… the list is endless. We have gone so far that going back is impossible. This generation of sub-humans are lost and we are not even aware of it. We simply don’t care. We watch the fruits of our irresponsible acts and negligence detached pretending it doesn’t have a negative effect on the environment, wildlife, and humanity not to mention the entire planet. We are in denial. Our focus is on extremes. We lost regard of quality and everything that matters. Pleasures, materialism, insatiable desires and appetite for ownership and appropriation whatever the cost are the driving forces of today’s minds. The appeal of acquiring toys comes to lie not in their use anymore but in their status as possessions. Whatever makes us looks good to the eye of our peers must obtain to set us above the rest, to feel powerful, to be in control. And so we think. Even if we wake up and start doing what supposed to be done it’s already too late for us. But it’s not too late for the future generations. We can still right what we have done wrong, not anymore for our own sakes but for those who will come after us so they can teach their youngs the responsibility of taking care of what is truly important. Can we still do it? Of course we can!  Let’s start now.

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Carousel

That’s life, full of ups and downs twists and turns. But unlike carousel rides life has many obstacles and you never know what’s around the corner. The journey will never be the same even if you do it over and over again on the very same road with the same people. You can never go back to the past yet you can’t outrun it either. It will catch up with you sooner or later when you least expect it. Life is like that, going round and round but seldom merry. You know what they say… Good things never last. One thing you can say about life is_ it is never boring. There is always something happens to knocks you off your feet. Literally. And not always favorable. I don’t know if it’s a blessing or a curse or both, life’s little surprises. And I don’t know if it is a good idea to write a post when you just woke up and nothing in your stomach wanting to take a bath while listening to the irritating noise of high-pressure cleaner outside knowing you ought to be preparing dinner- a very late one ’cause you woke up too late- instead of playing with the computer keyboard pretending to write. I better get going before I do more damage to this muddled thoughts. Till next time…

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Five To Midnight

Imagine there is a bank account that credits your account each morning with $86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening the bank deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to used during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course? Each of us has such a bank, its name is time. Every morning, it credits you 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off at a lost, whatever of this you failed to invest to a good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no over draft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day. If you fail to use the day’s deposits, the loss is yours. There is no drawing against “tomorrow”. You must live in the present on today’s deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness, and life. The clock is running. Make the most of today.

-David Wolfe

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Tuesday Wisdom

“Never presume to know a person based on the one-dimensional window of the internet. A soul can’t be defined by critics, enemies or broken ties with family or friends. Neither can it be explained by posts or blogs that lack facial expressions, tone or insight into the person’s personality and intent. Until people “get that”, we will forever be a society that thinks Beautiful Mind was a spy movie and every stranger is really a friend on Facebook.”

― Shannon L. Alder

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Tea

…Is my choice of beverage. Green tea to be specific. The real green tea I mean. Not the one in tea bags but those that directly imported from abroad and only available in just a few selected stores. Here where I live, there are just two known places that supply what I preferred. One in the capital and another one near the border to France. There was a time that I will choose screw driver over anything else (except water, water is always good) but that was a long time ago. I still drink an occasional margarita while on vacation but so seldom I am not even qualified as an occasional drinker. Coffee, I take coffee sometimes. Usually in pair with something cold like a sandwich or something sweet to have something warm. In my culture, if it’s not warm it isn’t qualified as a meal. I’ve read somewhere something like this: I shouldn’t think even millionaires could eat anything nicer than new bread and real butter and honey for tea. 

“If you are cold, tea will warm you;
if you are too heated, it will cool you;
If you are depressed, it will cheer you;
If you are excited, it will calm you.” 

The magic of tea.

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Traditional

I do believe that I am suffering from a mild case of slight peculiarity
This I do find greatly distressing.
Indeed, far from being vaguely odd,
It merely tars me with the same characteristics as that of the mundane multitude,
Whom are the normality.

A greater insult I could not possibly fathom.
Do not, I beg you, take this as an offence.
It’s merely that I had always reveled in the delightful assurance that I was what they call, “unique”, “individual, “abnormal”.

But to learn that this solid truth which I once held so dear is no more than a fallacy?
That is an incredible blow!
How can I ever again look down on the popular masses?
How can I ever again look the truly strange in the eye?
Is there even a faint glimmer of hope?

Alas, my last resort.
I shall endeavour to be what people refer to as
“dull”, “boring” “ordinary”
Yet this prospect fills me with much intense excitement!

Oh, and it is a struggle to contain!
However, contain it I must. So, as not to shatter the illusion;
The thin veil that separates me from the sheeps of the world.

Please welcome the incredible,
The amazing,
The most utterly wonderful,
Brand spanking new,
Conventional me!

~ found treasure

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This Is My Wish For Myself

That I may be true to my heart and myself without fear that I won’t be understood, or at least with a fear I completely disregard.
That I can be okay in my own skin even if no one gets it or gets me or likes it or likes me.
That I can laugh at my own jokes even when no one else does, and acknowledge my own beauty even if it’s lost on them, even if it looks different than what they say it should look like.
That I can be agnostic towards approval, ambivalent towards disapproval, not change to make myself more or less of what I am for anyone else.
That I may risk time and time and time again being what I’m supposed to be for what I am meant to be.
This is my wish for you, too.
This is my wish for all of us.
May we all just fucking risk it all for the sake of our truth.
May we all be brave enough to Be who we are called to Be, no matter what.

-Hip Sobriety

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A Mistake

I am wild if you like; but I stayed in my burrow a long, long time, – nibbling your straws and snapping at your fingers, but always just a little out of reach. Until at last, I got to trust you so much that one day I ventured out for a minute, – and you threw rocks at me. And I will never come out again“

– Edna St. Vincent Millay

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