Out of This World

Last Autumn I was passing by the neighborhood park during one of my daily walks and I was pleasantly surprised to see that they decorated the place with multicolored lights and otherworldly works of art. It had given the place an eerie atmosphere which is far from its usual subdued state. I was amused. 

Dim

That’s the word to describe everything that surrounds me these days. Let’s start with the weather. After it tricked the plants to sprout early and flowers to bloom outside the season, it decided to play a cruel joke of freezing them all back again. I wonder what spring will be like without the usual colorful arrays of the usual which signal the changes of season. Last year was bad enough when all of my spring flowers died before they even had a chance to open. I remember looking at my pergola laden from top to bottom with dead wisteria bloom. And my Hydrangea! I had to cut them to the ground, poor babies. Their leaves all turned brown after a few nights of freezing temperature. The last time I remember being this cold was 25- 30 years ago. It’s minus 17-21 degrees in the daytime for crying out loud. Could we still pretend global warming doesn’t exist?

And my fast declining health… that’s another dim prospect. Don’t worry I will not bore you with the details. Enough to say that between now and two years if it will not slow down I will be in a wheelchair. The only thing that keeps me standing still is sheer will. Most days I seriously considering to end it all because of unbearable pain. If I will not wake up one of these days preferably tomorrow, I will be grateful. That’s how bad it is.

And when your health is in jeopardy then everything is in question. It’s a snowball effect. A vicious circle. Your life as you know it will never be the same again. I’ve been through a lot from the moment I was born. Circumstances that most people will not even dare to imagine but I didn’t mind because I said to myself when the going gets tough that as long as I have myself and I’m more or less okay, I can crawl out from the deepest pit of hell and start all over again; which I did countless times but this time, how can I when I can’t even properly move. Not fair.

What else is dim in my life? 

I am still not on speaking terms with my daughter. My son, I didn’t hear for quite some time now. I refuse to talk to my best friend of more than 30 years despite her pleas to see me. She sent me letters and cards, there were phone calls too but I don’t want to saddle her with my troubles. In fact, I don’t want to see people these days. I am still not ready to show them my current status. I’m too proud. I rather they think that I’m a bad person than take pity from anyone. I’m crazy that way.

The only light in my fast becoming dark cold world is D. He goes out to work in freezing temperature without complaining even though he doesn’t have enough sleep most nights because of massaging me for hours. He shops food after work, clean the house on weekends and provide me within his means everything I need and a lot more. He said yes to everything I decided to do no matter how strange it may sounds, put up with my irks and quirks and look at me lovingly even though I must be a picture of a nightmare. Thank God for little mercies. Only I don’t believe in God. Not anymore. Without D, my universe will not be dim but dark. Pitch dark and I have no means and strength to crawl out.

They say life throws challenges and every challenge comes with rainbows and lights to conquer it. But then again they also say: 

All shadows of clouds the sun cannot hide
like the moon cannot stop oceanic tide;
but a hidden star can still be smiling
at night’s black spell on darkness, beguiling…

I think it’s enough for now. Till next time?

Premonition

“Intuition goes before you, showing you the way. Emotion follows behind, to let you know when you go astray. Listen to your inner voice. It is the calling of your spiritual GPS system seeking to keep you on track towards your true destiny.” 
― Anthon St. Maarten 

How often do you ignore a dream, dismiss it as fantasy and then see echoes of the dream around you the following day? What if a dream were the forewarning of what will become your reality; if you are being told within the world of a dream what may occur in the near or distant future, but your mind mangles the truth and information so much that you discard it as fiction?

Imagination

My mother (when she was alive) had always accused me of having an over-active imagination. I don’t agree. I just happened to experience some things that other people find weird but for me ordinary. I didn’t ask for it nor fantasize about it. Who would want to imagine such things anyway? For all of the things I had experienced and seen, people might think that I believe in mystics or such phenomena but the truth is I don’t. I don’t believe in ghosts or anything supernatural, I don’t even believe in heaven or hell but I do believe in the parallel universes. I really think that there are other dimensions out there apart from this one and sometimes they collided with each other that’s why some unexplainable incidents happened. I believe there are portals to other worlds, other planes so different yet similar to ours and I am convinced that every so often its inhabitants somehow find their ways into this world and create havoc because they are scared maybe? Perhaps confused? Just happy to be here? Or simply to our understanding, evil. I don’t know. 

Here are some examples of what I have experienced so far. I let you be the judge if indeed I have an over-active imagination. For the record, it is not all of it, it’s only the icing on the cake.

• Home
• The Darn Cat
• Hatching 
• The Damn Chest
• Stress
• Knock, Knock…

Have fun reading and I hope I will not alienate you from visiting my space again. Till next time? 

Images: Witch_IV_by_love_chizue

Sunday

I realized that I had lost too many people. People who left me, and people I left. People who stopped loving me, and people I never stopped loving. People who forgot me, and people I will never forget. In between the silence of outgrowing people and the heartbreak of striking differences, life slapped us all into reality.

From far, I see a young man arm-in-arm
with a woman, and he is walking as if
there’s spring in his feet. And he sees me,
and he smiles in the way men do when
they think they have made it. 
And I feel sad: I say you poor bastard.
Sooner or later, they all leave,
and your legs will tire out. Give it few years,
and you won’t even be able to pee standing.
He’s wearing a fancy cologne; he makes a joke
and the woman giggles. Maybe she says
how funny he is. I can see he’s feeling proud.
His chest bulges, his shoulders are upright.
And he again looks at me. And I feel sad:
I say you poor bastard. Soon enough,
you will slur, and you will drool. And she
won’t be there when you wet your bed
because you’re fucking old. I imagine the day
when he first finds out the cruel joke that
has been played on him. Oh, I fear for him.
Now, he’s laughing as she almost falls into
his arms. And I feel sad: you poor bastard.
The weather is beautiful today.
Laugh while you still can.

~Honest Musing via Facebook

Saturday Thoughts

Don’t ask me if I am doing good. I am never good. I am always torn. I am still a half dangling cigarette waiting to burn out. I always carry a tiny portion of sadness in my back pocket. I am feeling a whole lot of things together to have space for something as insignificant as being good.

If you ask about my feelings, expect an honest answer. If you want to get to know me, then expect to drown. If you want me to love you, then expect the intensity to burn down your guts.

I don’t do things halfway. I don’t have the patience for your games. If you want to be around then at some point, I will be too much. I will either love too much or be too melancholic or be too caring or be too dramatic.

I hope I don’t scare you away. I don’t mean to, but I won’t apologize for being myself. But I will try everything I know to be there for you. I will try to love you in all possible ways.

I don’t have many redeemable qualities, but I know how to stay. Or let’s say, I don’t know how to leave.

Will you walk with me?

~Hadik Nagar

Assay

My ex-husband said that in order to be with me he had to continue tearing down walls and slaying dragons. Tasks that he thought once he conquered my world would be over and done with. Which reminds me of something my only brother once told me. That in order to be close to me one has to be upright and noble or otherwise one would never even glimpse a portion of my shadow. I am/was not aware that I’m doing these things they are accusing me of. For me, I’m just being me. Nothing more nothing less.

Yes, I have my requirements. Haven’t we all? 

Money status looks education background and upbringing matters but they are not important and not the way to impress me. 

True I would never consider having to do with someone who is attached married or taken but only because I don’t want to hurt the feelings of others.

I admit I will never never have a relationship let alone marry someone who is widowed divorced or separated. In my eyes, if two people terminated their union it means it takes two to tango, it will never be the fault of just one party, it means both of them did something terribly wrong. I didn’t escape one hell only to land in another. Carrying my own emotional baggage is heavy enough, I don’t want to be with someone who is equally if not more laden. No thank you. Only single needs apply.

Also true that I prefer non-drinker non-smoker than those who do. My ex- smokes, and drinks (he doesn’t have any limit in these areas and all fatal consequences don’t scare him away from his habits) in our twenty years of marriage, I didn’t kiss him with open mouth. Not even once. 

I rather be with someone who can carry a decent conversation and can follow me on any topic than anyone who looks like Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt (both I dislike) I believe in romancing the brain first before moving further anywhere else. I like someone who can teach and introduce me to new things and can lead and propel me to new horizons. I also insist that he could swim competitively or at least better than me. You never know when he might necessarily save me from drowning. With me, those situations are not far off.

I can list a lot of things more but these will do for now. They are my main requirements. Everything that falls outside these categories is negotiable. Except gambling. No gambling with money in my neighborhood. And tattoos. No tattoos either. Not even itchy bitsy teeny one. Piercing too. Lots of materials to write on and do your own art. I draw a line on using bodies as a substitute for canvas. 

I guess I will leave it here or otherwise we are in for a long read. See you next time?

A Face in the Crowd

We sometimes encounter people, even perfect strangers, who begin to interest us at first sight, somehow suddenly, all at once, before a word has been spoken…

Wednesday

Pull to refresh. Again and again. You’ve zero new notification, but you don’t know what to do now. So, there’s always Facebook – scroll away. Someone uploaded the photo of their food – like it. No, wait, heart it. Keep moving. Slowly. Steadily. Absorbing every irrelevant meme and information that’s been thrown in your direction.

Now, switch the app – go to Instagram. Scroll more. Explore. Did you get another DM? Check once more. Like random photos. Follow for follow. Look around. Is there anything worth capturing? Or just take a selfie. Try the new filters. You can make a Boomerang too – fake laugh for it, because the real one is any way rare these days.

Open the chat window. Type something. Backspace it. Delete. Send hi to 7 people, and then wait for their response. I know. I get it. We don’t know how else to deal with this gnawing loneliness. Talk with emoticons, because just words are no longer enough.

But there’s something more – do you feel it too? The anxiety, the pull of sadness, the sensation that something is off – but you just can’t pinpoint what. So, Google it. Search ‘how do I know if I am doing okay?’. Some 6946766668 results in less than 2.5 seconds. Open the first link, validate yourself: you’re fine. You don’t need to change. The world will adjust. You just keep slaying.

It’s 3 AM now. And you can’t sleep. Open incognito tab. Search for porn. Pick what you like. Masturbate while thinking about your ex. Wash your face and hope that this feeling of dread goes away, but it won’t. But it doesn’t. So, ask the Internet obscure things – am I depressed? Will I be fine? What’s the meaning of life? Why doesn’t 2+2 equal 5?

Close all the tabs. Lie on the bed. Turn and twist. Listen to something, but you just can’t fall asleep.

Open your phone again. Pull to refresh.

You’ve 1 new notification.

There. Do you feel any better?

-Hadik Nadar

Suspicious

Suspicious? I’m downright paranoid! Here is a very good example how dubious I am. And here and here. And that is only the tip of the iceberg. If people can read what’s going on inside my head… What my ex once said… I’m not fit to go outside. But he meant totally different from what I’m talking about. Remember, this is the guy who once told me that I was fat short and ugly (he’s right of course) that no one aside from him would want me and I could not survive out there on my own. Then when I already left him and he was trying to convince me to come back he told me I was beautiful. Which is which? Maybe he finds short fat and ugly women beautiful. But my replacement is tall, not fat but well-built and alarmingly looks like me according to his now dead aunt. I’m getting sidetracked again. This post is not about him but about one layer (let’s call it facet, sounds much nicer) of my character or is it personality… I think I will lie in a hot bath full of those essentials crystals that supposed to do wonders for my aching joints and muscles but I have yet to experience if the claim is really true. Perhaps I have to put a whole lot, a bottle lot in the water for it to work. Anyway TGIF and see you on Monday?

  

Lecture

Hawking once said that maybe black holes
are nothing but portals to parallel
universes. And you once said that maybe
there’s no such thing as love, and everyone
keeps saying it just because they’re lonely. 
If we jump into a black hole right now,
then everything will cease to exist for us.
There will be no you, and there will be
no me, but the earth will keep rotating.
And my Father will still wish that he knew
how to show love. But by then, we’ll be gone.
And in another realm, we’ll create castles
out of the sand, and there’ll be warm toasted
bread for breakfast. We will sing old songs,
and run around naked because in that world
there’s no one else. You’ll draw a portrait of
an angel kissing a sinner, and I’ll write on walls
about how God doesn’t even exist here.
But remember, there’s a catch. Once you
go through a wormhole, there’s no turning
back. Listen, are you sure about packing bags?

~Honest Musing via Facebook

Conjure

When I was young(er) let’s say older than the normal age of someone who supposed to be doing what I was doing, I used to camp around cemeteries at 2:00 a.m. playing spirit of the glass trying to summon anything that cares to be summoned. I even broke into an abandoned subdivision that had been collapsed and buried most of its inhabitants (alive) and their houses due to multiple engineering failures design flaws and material faults. They say there is a very strong connection to the other side in places where there are humans casualties. I thought I would have better luck there but of course I was wrong. I once forced open a deserted house to perform my conjuring trick inside but again without success. I don’t know what I was thinking those times. Temporary insanity probably. Abandoned dilapidated rundown ruins and graveyards still attract and fascinate me and I still invite myself in from time to time but not to do what I used to do but to take photographs and just walk around and admire what is left. I can’t help it. I find these places beautiful. Even better, interesting. Mysterious. Magical. 

Simplify

This might frustrate you. There seem to be so many walls to break down. Just when you start to feel like you’re figuring her out – you find another piece to the puzzle that throws everything off. Be patient. She’s this tough because she had to be. Something happened that taught her to never need anyone. Someone she needed left before she was done needing them. But none of this will spill out easily. She’s extremely uncomfortable with other people seeing her vulnerable or in pain. Her emotions and pain are hers, and this is what she’s used to.

She’ll tell herself she doesn’t need you. She’ll make situations worse by trying to suppress her feelings about them. When you fall for the girl who’s used to not needing anyone, believe that she has more feelings and layers than she knows what to do with. Her instinct will be to try to compose herself. When she does open up to you, it’s everything. Being emotionally naked with someone is how she expresses her love.

She’ll know exactly who she is and what she wants. When you’re used to not needing anyone, you do what you want, when you want, and without asking permission or informing anyone. She loves this part of her identity, but she secretly wants you to confront her. She’s hoping that sometimes, you’ll put your foot down, and challenge her stubborn ways.

She’s strong, maybe even too strong for you at first. Don’t let this fool you. This is her outer shell. Her armor. She is so used to taking care of herself that it’s going to be hard for her to let someone else in. It took a lot of work to get to where she is: Independent, taking no shit and being happy on her own. She’s afraid to let you in because she’s afraid of what will happen if you might leave.

I can promise you it won’t be easy, she’ll hang on to her walls for as long as she can. She will be enigmatic. She will always want things her way, and she’ll fight you when she doesn’t get it.

She’ll even try to push you away. This is how she protects herself.

But when you really get to know her, she’ll be the girl who will change your life. Don’t always give in to her, but be patient with her. She’s strong, but she’s also scared – scared of love, scared of needing someone, and definitely scared of you.

Because even if she says she doesn’t need you, at her core, she is just a girl who has more love than she knows what to do with.

~Truth Slaps via Facebook