Tag Archives: lifestyle

Door Slam

Many people might read this without having a clue what an INFJ is, let alone an INFJ “door slam.” However, INFJs and those who have been involved in relationships with them will understand exactly what it is.

INFJ is a personality type characterized by the Myers Briggs Personality archetypes. INFJs are believed to make up approximately one percent of the population and the initials stand for: introverted, intuitive, feeling, and judgment.

Out of all the INFJ traits, the “door slam” may be the most infamous. The reason is not due to the actual hypothetical door slamming, but because of what takes place up until it’s firmly shut.

When INFJs connect with someone, they give it their all, so if someone repeatedly takes advantage of the fact they have become emotionally invested, or if they are abused relentlessly, INFJs eventually decide enough is enough, and they will sever all ties. This can include blocking telephone numbers, social media links, and, in extreme cases, moving house and giving no forwarding address.

INFJs are tolerant creatures and are renowned for allowing people to treat them badly. They are compassionate, empathetic, forgiving souls, and they try to give people the benefit of the doubt and offer chance after chance in the hope the person will change.

Some INFJs hope that by slamming the door it will make the other person realize what they have lost and trigger them to put in a huge and genuine effort to make amends and attempt to work things out. INFJs don’t enjoy drama or leaving on a negative note, so in many ways, the door slam can be a final chance for the other person to be jolted to action. Even if the relationship can’t be fully salvaged, at least there would be no lingering hard feelings.

Often, by the time the door has been slammed, it is “too little, too late” to make amends, as too much water has passed under the bridge. The INFJs want the other person to get the message that they have gotten to this stage, so they don’t try to walk back through the door thinking everything is okay.

What takes place following the door slam gives the INFJ all the information they need about the state of the relationship, friendship, or family dynamic. If silence follows, the INFJ will just keep on walking without glancing back.

The reason INFJs get to this place of strength is that they grieve and mourn the loss before they actually lose the connection with the person. This makes it far easier for them to accept that the relationship they thought they had was based on an illusion and what they thought they had didn’t actually exist.

INFJs are introverts, which means they internally process much of what goes on around them. Therefore, if they do not feel emotionally safe with someone, they may not openly express what they are thinking or feeling.

Instead, INFJs will figure things out in their own time, in their own way, and make decisions that may appear sudden and shock those around them. However, at an internal level, the decisions are far from sudden and are usually the results of days, weeks, or years of deliberation.

Before the door slam, INFJs usually give out numerous warnings and let whoever is involved know that they do not find their behavior acceptable. Door slams usually happen when an INFJ has distanced themselves after being repeatedly and relentlessly hurt by someone, and most likely when they do not feel the other person is willing to make any effort to change.

Therefore, when an INFJ is done, they feel liberated and lighter, and they swiftly move forward. They may remove all reminders of the past and appear to others, or the person they slammed the door on, as though they are cold and calculated. However, they only reach this place if that person has continuously been cold-hearted with them.

INFJs are not the types to make demands upon people and tell them how they want to be treated, or how they should, or should not, behave, especially when it comes to romantic relationships. They hope that if someone cares deeply about them, their actions and words will reflect how they feel.

The trouble here is that because INFJs are highly intuitive and read situations well, they sometimes forget that not everyone has this ability. They may expect people around them to be mind readers and to analyze situations as intently as they do, and when they don’t, instead of offering clues, they might close off contact. Although INFJs are compassionate, it would serve them well to try to communicate as openly as possible and explain how and why they feel the way they do before opting out.

INFJs would do well to not allow the situation to get to the stage where they feel burned out, used, and abused. Although the door slam is done as a self-protection mechanism, INFJs can try to discern whether they are devoting too much time and energy to those who do not hold the relationship in the same high regard. Pulling back from relationships that are not mutually respectful prevents INFJs from feeling hurt and disappointed when people do not treat them fairly, or do not show them compassion or care.

Although the door slam sounds severe, INFJs are forgivers and may allow the person they’ve slammed the door on a place in their lives in the future, but that is only if they feel behaviors have changed and they aren’t going to fall back into the same unhealthy dynamics.

Sometimes the door slam only happens in the mind and heart of the INFJ, and they continue to remain in contact with the “door slam” person. However, a significant change in the relationship has occurred by this point, and the INFJ will no longer be investing the same time, attention, and energy into a relationship, and the contact will be limited to functional communication.

Either way, it is rare for an INFJ to entirely trust someone that they once slammed the door on again, therefore, the relationship will likely never be the same as what it once was.

Those who are in a dynamic with an INFJ can work out how serious the door slam is by observing whether the slam was done in haste and fury, or calmly and rationally. If it’s the latter, the likelihood is that the decision has been firmly made and there is little chance of getting back in.

INFJs are far more likely to slam a door quickly, and for good, when someone has hurt someone they love and care about. Sadly, they may allow themselves to be abused over and over, but they will not tolerate abuse of any kind when it is directed at anyone else.

~ Alex Myles via Relephant

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It’s That Time Of The Year Again

…to go on holiday away from everything and everyone, to have a longer me time and be in the sun.

By the time you are reading this, I’m already halfway to my destination. I left around 8:00 a.m. Two hours earlier than necessary but better safe than sorry you never know what could happen in between. Starting a vacation with stress is not a good thing so, better avoid it if possible. I have chosen to drive myself to the neighboring country’s airport because of an ongoing strike at our own. They say the situation where I’m departing is also far from ideal but I have to choose the lesser of two evils and I hope I have chosen wisely.

As usual, I will be gone three weeks and will not be able to post or read and answer comments because as always when I’m on vacation I don’t go online or take any gadgets aside from my camera, but I scheduled posts for my readers so when they visit they will not go away empty-handed.

This year will be different also because I will take three annual vacations instead of just one. One this Spring, another in Autumn and two weeks between Christmas and New Year. I don’t want to spend another jolly season in cold.

Well, bye for now and see you in three weeks. Be good! 

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Pedigree

…mine is shocking. Both in tales and in reality. At least from one side. Father’s side. If I’m going to believe (which is very difficult not to when evidence is staring me straight in the eyes and based on my own personal experience I have no reasons to doubt) I came from a family of cheating conniving  incestuous gypsy witches and nomad warlords who were/are fond of betraying and molesting each other in all possible ways. From my maternal side, I can easily describe them in few words: They are a bunch of upper middle class (possibly even rich) educated prejudiced narrow-minded tyrannical self-righteous people who have written my mother out of a will (for marrying my -to their eyes substandard- father) and refused to recognize our existence till I married my (foreigner therefore rich) ex but by then I was a rebel enough already and only too happy to defy them. Our very own little family… Well, what can I say? You have to read few of my post to get a little bit of insight how dysfunctional and pathetic we are. End of my pedigree sum up.

 “All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.”
― Mitch Albom

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My Place In The World

“What a strange thing!
to be alive
beneath cherry blossoms.” 
― Kobayashi Issa, Poems

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I’m a nature lover, I can’t live without a (preferably cottage) garden. That and books. 

I like to be in the city no doubt. Especially when I want to be alone but not lonely, then I want to be amongst people I have nothing to do with. Strangers who don’t want something from me. I can happily be lost in anonymity while surrounded by life itself. I thrive on that.

But nothing can compare the joy and peace nature brings to my daily existence. I love to see things grow, watch the progress, observe the changing of seasons and admire the beauty of everything, the sunshine on the water, moon’s reflection on a lake, the turbulent sea and the buzz of insects.

I love to wake up in the morning with the birds singing outside my window, love to watch them do their things, I love to paint the different species of flowers and photograph their life cycle. I love to bath in the rain and chase rainbows, jump from the top of the waterfalls, hike mountains and walk; walk the beaten paths and road less traveled. I’m not only a nomad and a gypsy but a country girl at heart.

My place in the world? Definitely in nature.

If you’ve got it, flaunt it!

I disagree.

At least not always and depends on the situation and the manner of showing your assets. It’s okay to be confident, it’s okay to be proud of what you have but it’s not okay to be vulgar, not in my dictionary.  

Flaunt means to show something that you are proud of to other people, in order to impress them and in my book, anything you do to impress people ( unless you are soliciting for a job or aiming for something similar) is the same as caressing your own ego, to seek validation, confirmation. And if you need others to verify and affirm your own self-worth, what you are then? It’s the same as only insecure people have an urge to belittle others to feel good about themselves. Only those who have serious self-esteem issues feel the need to stand on someone else’s back to look tall. 

I’m all for self-expression and keeping your own personality and originality but do it because it’s you and nothing else. Don’t be different for the sake of being different. Don’t be out there to be noticed, to stand out and feel special, to attract attention and be admired. Don’t flaunt you think what you’ve got for all the wrong reasons. If you’re authentic, sooner or/than later people will notice believe me. It’s hard to hide one’s own true nature. Like the truth, it will come out eventually.

Just be yourself and if it means being a rainbow amidst all the greys then so be it.

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Authentic

That’s me, fearlessly authentic. Not an easy road to travel but I don’t know any better. I’m flexible and adaptable, always approaching new horizons with zero expectations and wide open mind but there is something I cannot do, go against my principles, morals, and values. I did try though but it just doesn’t feel right. It’s like if you eat something bad and it lodged heavily in your stomach and refuses to digest no matter what, or in some cases got stuck in your throat and stay there, that’s how I feel trying to be who I’m not.

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Fret

I’m a worrier. I worry about everything and nothing. Once a month I experience a severe anxiety attack, recurrent unexpected moments of panic and feeling of impending doom. I usually have them before and after a full moon. Coupled with chronic insomnia and irrational fears, these comorbid conditions interfere a great deal with my daily existence I can hardly function during these periods I am literally paralyzed with fear. The funny thing is I don’t exactly know why and where it is coming from. Okay, I am suffering from PTSD, that’s no secret and I know trauma is one of the triggers of this disorder but even then… Anyway, I would not bore you with tedious details. It’s enough to say that I have serious bouts of GAD. 

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Frantic

What will it take to make you desperate? How bad is the situation before you lost control? Did you experience being so agitated and distraught you thought you will get hysterically mad and start hurting people? Are you the kind of person who becomes easily unhinged? Or do you think you got it all together, conducting your life in an organized fashion, methodically and efficiently? Perhaps you are somewhat in the middle, some days you’re frantic other days you’re okay. Though you are not asking, I can tell you in all honesty that I go through life sensibly and quietly but once in a while I feel murderous and when I’m in this state, all bets are off. 

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Wrinkle

I always let myself be distracted by small details, the troubles that can fill any day, any week if you let them. I neglect to sit back and enjoy the overall experience. I keep thinking that once this and that is repaired and this is solved and that is explained, then I can sit back and relax, savor the air, the scent of roses. As if life were a garment that had to have every minute wrinkle ironed out of it, that had to be perfectly smooth before it could be worn. Knowing that nothing is ever perfectly smooth…

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Uncompromising

That’s me when I have already made up my mind. Yes, I have an iron will but only when I’m sure of my right. Sometimes I’ve been asked how I get through the divorce, how I processed the whole thing and I’ve read about people who had hard times with the transition from one life to another, the guilty phase, the loneliness, the doubts, the anger, the heartbreaks, and I can’t say I can relate because I can’t. I never get through all these. Maybe because I made sure that before I close one chapter of my life I always see to it that it is truly finished, that I already did all in my power to make the relationship works often to the point that I let people walk all over me. 

It takes for me a lifetime to say quits but once I heard that tell-tale click in my brain, nothing, and no one can change my mind. They can die before my eyes, literally and I will not even bat an eyelash. Once I get over something, I truly get over it. I am not the one to play hard to get, it’s either I’m in or I’m out. I have no patience for guessing or chasing games, that’s for children. Say what you mean and mean what you say and stand and stick with your decision once you decided and suffer the consequences. We’re adults for God’s sakes. That’s (one of) my motto. 

I’ve been accused of being a hard bargain simply because I refused to play or follow the rules. My mentor (who by the way said to me that every time she was in for a meeting with me she not only mentally preparing herself for the confrontation the night before she literally bracing herself, holding her desk with both hands before I came in the room because she knew by experience that whatever I was about to say will guarantee to blow her away) told me that I go on in life like a horse with blinkers, that once in a while it will do me good to consider also other people’s perspective. But then again she doesn’t really know me. She doesn’t know (and I didn’t tell her- I’m not good at depending my myself- if someone thinks or says I’m a whore then so be it. Everybody is entitled to their own opinion. What is the point of telling otherwise when they are already made up their minds?) that before I come to a decision, it means I have already considered other options, weighed and compared them to mine, deliberated their significance in the big picture and then come to conclusion. 

True I decide fast but never in a hurry. And once I’ve reached my decision, I am resolute. Uncompromising indeed.

How about you? Are you relentless?

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Dim

That’s the word to describe everything that surrounds me these days. Let’s start with the weather. After it tricked the plants to sprout early and flowers to bloom outside the season, it decided to play a cruel joke of freezing them all back again. I wonder what spring will be like without the usual colorful arrays of the usual which signal the changes of season. Last year was bad enough when all of my spring flowers died before they even had a chance to open. I remember looking at my pergola laden from top to bottom with dead wisteria bloom. And my Hydrangea! I had to cut them to the ground, poor babies. Their leaves all turned brown after a few nights of freezing temperature. The last time I remember being this cold was 25- 30 years ago. It’s minus 17-21 degrees in the daytime for crying out loud. Could we still pretend global warming doesn’t exist?

And my fast declining health… that’s another dim prospect. Don’t worry I will not bore you with the details. Enough to say that between now and two years if it will not slow down I will be in a wheelchair. The only thing that keeps me standing still is sheer will. Most days I seriously considering to end it all because of unbearable pain. If I will not wake up one of these days preferably tomorrow, I will be grateful. That’s how bad it is.

And when your health is in jeopardy then everything is in question. It’s a snowball effect. A vicious circle. Your life as you know it will never be the same again. I’ve been through a lot from the moment I was born. Circumstances that most people will not even dare to imagine but I didn’t mind because I said to myself when the going gets tough that as long as I have myself and I’m more or less okay, I can crawl out from the deepest pit of hell and start all over again; which I did countless times but this time, how can I when I can’t even properly move. Not fair.

What else is dim in my life? 

I am still not on speaking terms with my daughter. My son, I didn’t hear for quite some time now. I refuse to talk to my best friend of more than 30 years despite her pleas to see me. She sent me letters and cards, there were phone calls too but I don’t want to saddle her with my troubles. In fact, I don’t want to see people these days. I am still not ready to show them my current status. I’m too proud. I rather they think that I’m a bad person than take pity from anyone. I’m crazy that way.

The only light in my fast becoming dark cold world is D. He goes out to work in freezing temperature without complaining even though he doesn’t have enough sleep most nights because of massaging me for hours. He shops food after work, clean the house on weekends and provide me within his means everything I need and a lot more. He said yes to everything I decided to do no matter how strange it may sounds, put up with my irks and quirks and look at me lovingly even though I must be a picture of a nightmare. Thank God for little mercies. Only I don’t believe in God. Not anymore. Without D, my universe will not be dim but dark. Pitch dark and I have no means and strength to crawl out.

They say life throws challenges and every challenge comes with rainbows and lights to conquer it. But then again they also say: 

All shadows of clouds the sun cannot hide
like the moon cannot stop oceanic tide;
but a hidden star can still be smiling
at night’s black spell on darkness, beguiling…

I think it’s enough for now. Till next time?

A woman participates in a candlelight vigil in support of women safety in Mumbai