Tag Archives: loneliness


I wonder if emptiness (of all sorts) is part of growing old. For some people, it is a simple matter of empty nest or retiring from a job or perhaps losing a partner. For others, it is more than that. Having worked near them, I happened to know that the favorite topic of elderly people is discussing who are not around anymore among their peers and family members. The conversation eventually leads and always ends up to the unavoidable examination and exploration of their own mortality and how much time they have left.

Another thing which fascinates me about older people is the interesting phenomenon of seemingly (or actually) falling (madly) in love in their last years of existence. I can tell you with conviction two events which I had observed from close by quite recently. One is about the grandmother of someone who is dear to me. She is well in her eighties already. A no-nonsense woman who doesn’t mince her words, stubborn and argumentative, she is the last person I thought would lose her head over someone who is not only young enough to be her youngest grandson but also sleek and in my eyes fake.

He was her nurse at the beginning but soon escalated to be the center of her universe. His visits were the only thing she was looking forward in her day to day life, so much so that she started cooking dinner for him, buying him gifts, phoning him dozen of times a day, tracking of his whereabouts and she associated his daily tasks of giving her baths with mutual attraction she even bought new sets of lingerie each week and never failed to tell to family members in details how he undressed and held her and how tender and careful he was, how tall, how handsome how kind, you get my drift. 

During family gatherings, she reserved a prominent seat next to her for his apple of the eye she even did it at the “coffee table” after her husband’s funeral to the chagrin of her own children and grandchildren who are by the way opposed and scandalized by her unusual behavior. As it happens, authorities found out that the nurse is guilty of malpractice (together with his mother- talking of apple not falling far from the tree- involving money from his patients) and was sentenced and convicted. Even before it happened and there were already talks of his professional misconducts, she defended his virtue and integrity with her life and she still does even he is proven guilty already. What a love (or obsession) can do.

Another case is my very own mother. When she was alive she fell in love with one of my boyfriends (a very fine example of a tall dark and handsome and a body to die for but for some unknown reasons didn’t work for me) and like the old lady above was thoroughly smitten with the boy in his twenties. She was in her seventies that time, energetic and more alive and more supple than I could ever hope to be. When we broke up my mother cried for two weeks straight and refused to leave her bed. She never cooks again after that and often neglected not only her own personal hygiene and appearance but also of her quarter. I was flabbergasted and still is whenever I think about it.

I wonder if this strange phenomenon is unique only to these two cases I know or happens to most if not everyone and what are the factors, the reasons behind these incidents. It is the void, the cavity, the emptiness of growing old and being alone realizing it is their last chance they are trying to fill or it simply happens? Are they trying to create a focal point in their otherwise bleak existence to brighten their darkening days and have reasons to wake and stand up every morning? A last effort to feel and experience what was to take to their deathbeds? I don’t know. But whatever it is, I hope it will not happen to me. But in this life, you never know… 



I feel like a fish out of water, a bird in the sea

But in the mirror is a girl who looks just like me

She goes through each day like she did before

Suddenly she just isn’t content anymore.


Each day is so fake, words are so hollow

She takes all this in, but it’s hard to swallow

Who is she, this girl that I see?

We look so alike, but how can this be?


I’m a horse in the city, a dog in a cage

A little girl in a body that’s three times my age

That’s not me in the mirror, no not at all

This girl hangs her head low, I held mine up tall.


How did I get so out of place

I want to look in the mirror and see my real face.

I want to hold my head high, I want to see;

There’s a girl looking back, but… she isn’t me.


(from a stranger I don’t recall the name)


Until We Are Whole, We Will Continue To Attract Halves

“What I can do is offer myself, wholehearted and present, to walk with the people I love through the fear and mess. That’s all any of us can do. That’s what we’re here for.” ~ Shauna Niequist

Until we have become whole, we will attract those who are meant to teach us lessons about who we are.

This isn’t about just learning to love who we are, but about welcoming each and every part of ourselves without shying away from the aspects we see as contradictions.

To love is a journey that first begins with the formation of our true self.

While many of us have grasped the idea that there is no one out there who can truly be our other half, we still are learning lessons about ourselves or who we choose to be with.

Every single one of us is on a different path, with a different philosophy about love. Yet we all have similar lessons to learn.

To be whole means that we’ve discovered the truth about who we are. Not who we have been told we are, or who we have been conditioned to be—but our truest self—apart from anyone else’s expectations.

This means that we have to make the conscious choice to follow our intuition—our hearts will lead us in an authentic direction. This can be one of the most difficult aspects of life because we are taught to consider others in our choices.

But in reality, we are not living our life for anyone else.

Until we can feel comfortable with who we are, then we will continue to attract individuals who teach us lessons about ourselves.

Personally, part of my journey toward love has involved learning that sometimes what I thought I wanted was the very thing I didn’t need. I was raised as the “good girl.” I never wanted to disappoint my loved ones and I upheld the conservative norms that were expected of me. But during this period of my life, I never stopped to actually consider whether my actions truly aligned with who I was. It was easier to continue blindly doing what I thought I should, instead of stopping to whether it what I really wanted.

So at the time, I didn’t attract a whole person, but another half who was meant to cause chaos and upheaval in my life forcing me to awaken to who I wanted to be.

It wasn’t easy and it also wasn’t the end of my journey or lessons on self-love.

To be able to identify as whole we first have to discover exactly what we are made of, and what our purpose is here on Earth. For many of us, we can only experience these lessons with someone who reflects back our insecurities and our past wounds.

One time I chose a man who was emotionally unavailable because I hadn’t yet become comfortable with my own truth or ask for exactly what I needed.

Honestly, I still hadn’t accepted the truth of what I wanted, so I didn’t expect anyone else to either.

I desperately tried to blend in and fulfill his needs, swallowing down my own truth, and start on the path of traditional love, fulfilling the typical pinnacle moments that many identify as lasting love, such as marriage and children.

Yet, no matter how much I tried to utter the words he needed to hear, I just never could.

I was just a half, trying to find completion by fulfilling the needs of another. I was trying on his capes that I was never meant to wear. Instead, I finally made the choice to take them off and become the woman who I really was all along.

Truthfully, I had been scared of her for a long time.

She was different, her thoughts didn’t align with what everyone else was doing and it seemed that what she wanted things that didn’t exist. This woman didn’t just dance to the beat of her own drum; she flat out created her own music. The most frustrating aspect of her was that even to me, she never made sense.

She was wiser than her years and experiences. She didn’t fit into one box comfortably and seemed to enjoy so many things that it was impossible to decide which her favorite was.

But one evening, I sat her down and looked her in the eyes, realizing that in order to become whole, I needed to accept her.

I needed to love her exactly for who she was, and instead of trying to fit her into someone else’s life, I needed to let her create her own life.

This isn’t an act that was done overnight, or without tears or heartbreak but once we let ourselves balloon out in our entirely whole, beautiful selves, we will finally be in the position to welcome another whole individual into our lives.

We won’t try fitting into their molds or cutting their sharp corners in an attempt to make them fit into ours. We simply will finally be in a place to accept another exactly for who they are, because we have learned to accept ourselves for who we truly are.

Until we have made the choice to love who we really are—contradictions and all—we will continue to attract those who only love a fraction of ourselves.

~via Kate Rose


My Four Walls

Where to rest your eyes when everything you see

You have already  seen a million times?

Where to find your muse to commune with thee 

When there is no door or window around?

A week, a month, a year… stretches forever

You have long forgotten how the real life looks like

In your  solitary confinement, no visitor allowed

Your thoughts, feelings, wants and needs don’t matter

No one notice when insanity and loneliness strike

Do you have to be grateful that you are still alive?


Rules of Engagement

They were walking from the waterfalls to his place. It was raining. It had been for a long time already, making it damn difficult to walk those hills. The mud kept sticking under their slippers till it became inches taller and much heavier, making the usually pleasant walk an ordeal.

She loved the mountains and the simple way of life. So much so that she grabbed any opportunity to be there with both hands. Even if it meant dealing with him. She did not dislike him, not anymore. She overcame already her initial aversion to him. Last year, she even ran away to escape his attention. That was then. It’s different now. She learned to know him better.

She didn’t regret knowing him much later. It was a necessary process being who he is. When was the first time she laid eyes on him? Seven- eight years ago? He was 24 then.

They never talk to each other until last year. Not even a passing ‘hello’ though they had met each other often enough. How could it be otherwise? She used to live… around.  

He was definitely one of the no-nos. Besides, she was not interested. If she found out earlier his real nature, would it be different? Would she change her mind about him? Give him a chance? Who knows…

Last year she talked to him for the first time. It was difficult not to, they were eating supper and he was there. In their culture it is very unethical not to ask any guest to have a meal with the hosts if the visitor happens to be there at meal time.  She did ask and he complied. The rest is history.

Now here they are. Not their first time. She had visited the place on more than one occasion. His family is known to her and vice versa. She was there before, only not ‘with’ him.

He removed her slippers from under her feet and offered her his own. It had more profile and had better grips; so he said. He washed hers in the small creek which running along side the dirt path. He also occasionally removed some stubborn mud that kept clinging under ‘his’ slippers for easy walking.

Always attentive. Very resourceful. She could not help being drawn to him. He was everything she was missing in her current relationship, and more. He is a man. She missed that. Revenge did cross her mind as one of his motives for being nice to her, but who cares? It felt good and only temporary they both knew it. In fact everybody knew.

Everybody… nobody said something but looks are enough. She could imagine what people think. They were both aware of the talking behind their backs. She cringed when she thought about it but… what the heck! She deserved to be… happy like everyone else. Even for a time. She refused to acknowledge that her situation and that of  him matter to here and now. She was aware of the consequences of course. She knew by experience. How many times she was in similar plights… she lost counts already. But this one was even trickier, considering his own predicaments. But c’est la vie. You cannot always follow the rules. It’s not only boring, it is also impossible.

There are limits of course. Always. So far, she didn’t jump over it… yet. And she was not planning to. But was she not planning to kiss him too?  Or kissed him back. She wondered if there was a difference.

She lost her balance! It happened so fast! One moment she was walking quite alright, and the next she found herself pirouetting with her both hands to keep her balance.

He was there before she hits the ground. He came from behind and put one arm behind her back, to keep her from falling. His palm went under her arm, almost cupping one breast! But he flicked it away from the wrist, at the very last moment, before it touches the danger zone.

He could have done it. Do it and pass it as an accident. A necessary manoeuvre to save the day. But he didn’t. And for all that he had done so far, all the caring, the sweetness, the teasing and the whole song and dance; it was that simple gesture that touched her the most.

Why? Because it shows respect. Granted, he maybe attracted to her (God knows since when) or trying to get his revenge, perhaps it was lust after all, who knows? But one thing is for sure, he respects her enough to do that. And if she is going to remember one thing from all those days that they were together, this probably would be it.

And for all the tender, thoughtful little things he done for her, it was also the deciding factor why she almost consider jumping off the limit. And probably she would. Given the time…


image: favin & 4ever.eu

Missing Title

To love that kills

To loneliness forever

To sleepless nights

And unfulfilled desire

To seems perfect life

Cruel kindness and manipulation

Emotional blackmail

And the HELL of it all

Vodka is excellent

Substitute for pills

Tasteless and odourless

Go on with the charade

Ha! Ha!

I think I’m tipsy…


header image: kiara-rose