Tag Archives: relationships

Popular

Queen Bee And Wannabe

Why (some) people have to stand on someone else’s shoulders to look tall? And the worst part is: they believe they have the right. But I’m sure deep down inside, they know they are outclassed. Must be very difficult to accept (that’s why) well… too bad.

•Queen Bee – her friends do what she wants them to do, she feels in power and in control of her environment, but this can define her friendships.

•Sidekick – she’s the girl who is closest to the Queen Bee and will back her no matter what. They commonly bully and silence other girls to further their own agenda.

•Banker – She creates chaos by banking information about other girls and dispersing it at strategic intervals, because she knows it’s going to cause conflict. It doesn’t even seem like she’s trying to gossip because she masks it as ‘I’m just trying to be there for you’

•Messenger – She trades information and gossip about others, but differs from the Banker in that her motivation is to reconcile the parties in conflict, hoping to gain social power from doing so.

•Pleaser/Wannabe – She will do almost anything to be in the group, and is always imitating the behaviour of the Queen Bee and the Sidekick

•Torn Bystander – She doesn’t want to go against the more powerful people in the group and convinces herself not to challenge them.

•Target – She’s the girl who is humiliated, made fun of or excluded. Girls in the clique can become targets if they’ve challenged someone higher on the totem pole and need to be put in their place.

_vin20-fb28f6d8-fb04-102f-9d6f-0019b9d5c8df.jpg

My Top 3 Sex Related Problems As A Woman

Let me start this out by making a couple wild generalizations about sex.

First, we’re all having it.

Of course, that’s not actually true; some of us haven’t had it yet, others are going through a drought and some choose not to have it at all. But in general, it’s a widespread phenomenon. Which is good, since it’s what leads to the propagation of the species.

Second, while it’s an extremely common experience, we don’t really talk about it.

We don’t talk about it with each other (as in, the actual people we’re having sex with), and we don’t talk about it with others, even those we’re close to. Again, yes, there are exceptions to this, but generally, not so much.

I humbly submit that this is a major issue. Because it’s easy for things that are kept hidden or secret (whether accidentally or on purpose) to lead to feelings of shame, confusion, and hopelessness. Plus, what we don’t talk about, we can’t get support with. And we need support in this area; sex and sexuality are fundamental to who we are as human beings.

So in the spirit of more openness, I present my top three sex problems, as a heterosexual woman:

1) Men being too rough with their hands.

I’m a pretty experienced sex-er. I’ve had a lot of it, with a wide variety of men. But I can count with just a few fingers the number of men who were good with theirs.

That’s right, I’m talking about fingering.

Even the word sounds kind of… violent. It presupposes that the “goal” or “point” of the activity is penetrative—for you to jam your finger up my hoo-ha, often in a simulated version of intercourse.

Okay! Just a few problems with this. First, most of the time when I play with myself, I don’t get all up in the inside. I don’t use a dildo, I use a baby bullet, which is just a very small vibrator that actually never goes inside me.

I stick with stimulating the clit, which is way above the vulva (the opening of the vagina).

Second, even if a man does get that The Clit Is It, he often applies so much direct pressure to it that it hurts. I feel bruised and notice that my clitoris gets numb; it loses sensitivity because it’s been so overstimulated. Again, when I play with myself, I do so gently, especially at first. The clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings; no wonder it’s so sensitive!

Before I get admonished for not speaking up about the issue at the moment, I want to say that I do say something a lot of the time. If he starts out so rough that it hurts, I often say, “Gentle gentle gentle!” Or even as it’s starting (before the pain), “Listen just so you know, the lighter the touch, the more I feel.” But I find that a lot of the time this only works for a few minutes, and then it’s back to the jabbing.

Part of the reason this is such a problem for me is that I find myself distracted. I’m trying to protect my body while also accommodating the person I’m with (not shaming him about what’s not working). So not only am I not turned on, I’m actually anxious. I feel my stomach twist into knots when a man starts putting his hands down there because my body is so trained to expect pain.

As I write that, I sense just how sad it is. I also find myself curious as to whether other women have a similar experience.

2) Initiating.

Honestly, I prefer for a man to initiate sex with me. And I don’t think that’s necessarily a problem. We all have preferences, and that’s mine.

But I feel like I’m not good at initiating… ever. And that feels like a problem.

What holds me back? In a word, fear.

Fear I’ll be seen as wanting too much.

Fear I’ll be seen as slutty.

Fear of rejection.

And one more that’s a little harder to describe, but perhaps the most true: fear of “making him” feel obligated.

I intellectually grasp that any man I’m with would probably love for me to initiate. But when it comes to actually doing it, I hesitate. I don’t want me initiating to have him feel like he has to have sex with me. I want him to be inspired to do the dirty with me, not do it because he should.

Realistically, this says far more about me than about men. It says that my psyche often interprets someone asking something of me as not requesting, but demanding. So I think my own request for sex will be interpreted as a demand—and I don’t want that. Since I don’t trust that my partner will “be able” to give me an honest no, it feels safer to just wait for him to ask me.

Do I feel obligated when it comes to a man initiating with me? If I’m very, very honest, yeah, I kind of do. I don’t always allow that feeling of obligation to “win”; if I really don’t want to have sex at the moment, I speak up. But most of the time, if my partner wants sex, I’m probably going to say yes, and not always because I’m totally in the mood and really want it.

Again, I’m curious as to whether other women have a similar experience.

3) Finding men who are both cocky and heart-y.

I don’t mean cocky as in arrogant. I mean literally cock-y: men who have a strong relationship with their cock (their sexuality). These are men I feel would be able to truly take me. They’d push me up against a wall and mean it. They’d pull my hair without asking for permission. They’re comfortable with what I call “fuck energy”—the desire to just fuck someone.

Listen, I’m a strong woman. I can get shit done. But while I have a lot of masculine energy (I can do, create, make things happen), when it comes to sex, I want to be in my feminine. For me, that requires a man who can be dominant in the bedroom. I’m not into hardcore BDSM, but I do want to feel like I’m not in charge; instead of having to lead, I get to be ravished.

At the same time, I want to be able to feel a man’s heart and know that he can feel mine. I’m not talking about needing him to be a therapist or something; I just mean feeling connected on both a sexual and emotional level (even if it’s just for one night).

In other words, I don’t want an insensitive bro who’s solely fucking me so he can check another Tinder swipe off his list, and I equally don’t want a sensitive new age guy who can talk about feelings but has disowned his “fuck energy.”

I find I end up attracting either one or the other, and that’s a problem.

The fact is, most of us learn about sex in bits and pieces as we grow up, either in hushed conversations with siblings or friends or from pornography. It’s not the easiest thing to communicate about, so it’s easy to just not. But that’s a disservice to both ourselves and others.

I think having the sex we really want (in or out of committed relationships) starts with getting real about what doesn’t work for us—what we struggle with.

So I’m curious:

What are the top 3 problems you have when it comes to sex? What blocks you from pleasure, keeps you from enjoying your body and/or the body of your partner?

I wonder if more of us share the same problems than we think. I wonder whether men and women share the same problems.

And how much better would the world be if, on a regular basis, we all got to have stimulating, sensual, spirited, soulful, scintillating, satisfying sex?

Author: Melanie Curtin

SONY DSC

Leaf

“I’ve still got a place for you in my heart, just not my life.” 

As much as you mean to me, the time has come for me to finally remove myself as one of your options.

The truth that I have come to believe is that any man who really wanted to be with me, wouldn’t be conflicted about it—he’d be all in.

Simply for the reason that I’m a woman worth being all in for.

But you never could quite decide what I was to you—and while I think you did know more than you pretended to—it doesn’t  matter so much what we think or feel, it matters what we do.

And you never did a damn thing when it came to me.

The reality is—indecision can be a decision unto itself.

I used to become frustrated with you because I could tell there were no easy answers and that there was always more to our story-line than you ever let on.

I spent time wondering about everything that lay unsaid between us—but I don’t anymore.

Because I said all that I needed to, and whether you did or not isn’t something I need to spend time losing sleep over.

And the closure I sought from you—that never came—no longer haunts me, because I’ve accepted that loose ends are just part of who we are.

I’ve learned that sometimes there are no endings—and that’s okay because I know now that I can still find a new beginning.

I won’t sit here and disgrace our history or promise that my lips will never again touch yours because I will never assume that I know more than whatever divine force governs this world.

But the only thing I do know is that at this moment in time, you don’t want to be here in this place by my side with your arm around me—and so, I’ve decided to pursue things with someone who does.

You wanted me to move forward and move on, so I am—right into the arms of a man who doesn’t make me second-guess his interest and who doesn’t shut down when I ask difficult questions.

The thing is, I don’t really even know what we were because you could never find the words yourself.

And although you never asked me to be yours—you also never really closed the door on us completely.

But this time—as much as I care for and respect you—I cannot remain in this place any longer.

I can’t keep asking if you’re ready, to be honest and to address things like adults, only to be shut down once again.

My heart is tired—and a woman can only be pushed away so many times before she actually makes the choice to walk away.

The thing that hurt me the most was how you made it seem as if I coerced you against your will—acting as a siren, beckoning you to demise along my curvy coasts.

I was never your downfall, but perhaps I was your kryptonite because even Superman has a weakness.

I don’t know if you have ever admitted the truth to yourself or if lies still taste that much sweeter.

Because you are the artist in this masterpiece, and therefore you only see what you want to—or what you are comfortable with.

Regardless of our tangled loose ends—and no matter how many tears I may still shed over you—I can’t be an option for you when you decide you want to find yourself again.

I don’t expect you to care because you’ve made it clear that you already have moved on.

Yet I still have to wonder that if through all your bolstered convictions, you were trying to convince me or yourself more.

Although I know that I can no longer be one of your options, I don’t actually know how to do that—because somehow you’ve become a part of my heart without me even wanting you there, and so now it makes it difficult to discover how to exactly remove you.

All I know is that no one has ever brought me to my knees, simply by looking into my eyes, like you have.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring—all I know is that you can’t (or don’t) want to be here, and there is another man who does.

A man who I still can’t picture touching my body, simply because I haven’t yet been able to erase your name from my skin.

One of the saddest parts of all of this is that I know I had the same effect on you—it just wasn’t convenient or “supposed” to happen.

But our eyes don’t lie, even when our hearts try to.

And so, with every step I take away from you, I sometimes take two back.

You are the most delicious struggle to move on from, but I am trying.

So I travel a little bit further every day, until maybe someday I’ll get far enough away that I can convince myself neither of us felt anything.

And it won’t matter if it’s the truth or not because I know that with time we can convince ourselves of almost anything.

However, before I leave this place for good, you should know that I meant every word I’ve ever said to you.

Especially when I told you that I love you.

Because I know that no matter what has transpired, I will never regret telling you those beautifully simple words.

With each step I take, I send you my sweet succulent love, not knowing where my path will lead me.

It’s possible it will lead me into the arms of the man who’s been waiting for me to find him all along—or it might lead me right back to you.

Because the pain and confusion of leaving loose ends mean that you know quite well they’re still there, left untied and waiting, in case this time—you decide you really do want to tie it up, once and for all.

“Some things just need to be let go of. If it’s meant to be you’ll find each other again.” 

Relephant: Via Kate Rose

ruki-cvetok-lepestki

I’m Letting You Go (Again)

I’ve lost count of how many times I let you go—
and forgot how many times
you found your way
back to me.

And every time you come back,
you leave again—
and then,
I have to let you go…again.

You’re like a balloon I unleash into the sky
and somehow,
you keep floating back to the ground—
to my ground.

They say the essence of love
is to let the person you love go.
They say if you love them,
let them be.

And while I agree with this insane notion,
I must admit it’s challenging—
it’s tough
to see you go,
and it’s tough to see you come back.

I wish you would either disappear
or perchance—stay.
But having to deal with both
is like having a bullet ricochet in my soul.

And now that you’re here again,
I can already feel the loss coming.
I can foresee your back turning
and your shadow fading.

I can foresee myself
letting you go—again,
and having to deal with the reality
that I have no choice.

I have to accept the fact
that there is no reason
or logic
to our so-called love story.

I’m letting you go, again.
I’m unleashing you into the sky
one last time.

However
I wish you’d lose your way back to me.

If coming back means
I’ll have to let you go again,
perhaps it’s wiser,
better,
less painful,
if you’d just stay where you are.

I’m letting you go, again
because—
do I have a choice?

If I can’t keep you with me,
the least I can do
is let you be free,
without me.

And if you come back
and do not find me here—
know that now I’m the one
who needs to disappear,
because…
I can’t deal with letting you go,
again.

Author: Elyane Youssef

652201be088f16eca255917cd5bb48ff

Truth Slap

The deeper you are, the harder it becomes for you to find someone who wants to have a relationship with you. You can go out on a lot of dates but at some point the relationship fails to progress any further and that is mainly because of the intensity of your depth. Not every man is strong enough to handle a deep woman. Here’s why:

1. A deep woman asks deep questions. A deep woman will probe further into your life and ask questions that you may not be prepared to answer. Even on the first date, she will dig deeper and ask personal and philosophical questions – she will never enjoy a shallow conversation.

2. A deep woman is honest. Too honest – often blunt. A deep woman takes her integrity seriously and one thing she believes in is honesty. If you ask her anything, she will tell you the truth and she expects the same from you.

3. A deep woman knows what she wants. Or who she wants. A deep woman knows right away if she likes you and doesn’t need to date around or explore her other options to be sure of her feelings. Her heart only beats for a special few people and she knows them right away.

4. A deep woman wants a deep relationship. She wants long conversations about your life, she wants to hear stories about your past, she wants to understand your pain and she wants to add value to your life. She wants a real relationship that goes beyond going out and having fun.

5. A deep woman is not afraid of intimacy. She is not afraid of getting closer or risking getting hurt in the process. She doesn’t think it will entrap her freedom or make her vulnerable. Her depth and intimacy go hand in hand and she will always cherish the beauty of intimacy in relationships.

6. A deep woman sees through you. She can see who you really are and what makes you vulnerable. She is not the one to hold back from pointing out what she sees in you or how well she can read you. Even though it makes you uncomfortable, she wants you to know that she understands you and that you can be yourself around her.

7. A deep woman craves consistency. She gets turned off by inconsistency or flaky behavior. She desires a strong connection and a solid bond and she knows that consistency is the foundation of that bond. A deep woman will not participate in the dating games.

8. A deep woman is intense. She may be slightly intimidating because she brings intensity to everything she does. Her emotions are intense and so are her thoughts. She will never be indifferent to things that matter to her – not everyone is strong enough to handle her intensity.

9. A deep woman only knows how to love deeply. If you can’t love her deeply, she will walk away. She doesn’t know how to casually date someone she’s really into or be friends with someone she has feelings for. A deep woman knows when someone can’t meet her halfway and she will slowly detach herself from anyone who is not willing to give her the deep love she is looking for.

10. A deep woman won’t wait for you. She will not wait for you to make up your mind or watch you be hesitant about her. She is strong and passionate and will not waste her emotions on someone who doesn’t appreciate their depth. Even though she is looking for a special kind of love, a deep woman is not afraid of being on her own.

19554253_1381904135196259_7714775337437511846_n

You Never Loved Her- You Just Didn’t Want To Be Lonely

Perhaps you’ll never be able to utter the truth, but the reality is that you never loved her.

I suppose it’s just a matter of perspective, because how could you have loved her when you never truly saw her?

She became just a salve for your brokenness.

You leaped into her with the vivaciousness of a predator setting its eyes upon its prey, but never did you stop to think about why you wanted her—or even more so—what would you do with her if you actually got her.

She never was meant for you; she never was anything more than a placeholder for something better. Although, even as the stars fall around me now, I doubt that you see that because the truth is you are still scared of your own shadow.

See, there are women like her, women who change the world with their delicate fingertips and lips that move like cursors over the blank pages of men who have been too scared to write their own stories. So, she will do it for you. She will give you meaning where you previously lacked it, and she will create such a beautiful catastrophe of contradictions that somehow you will forget the reason women like her exist.

Women like her exist to help bridge one chapter to the next, to shake up the status quo, and to translate the feelings and thoughts you’d never imagined would find meaning within the looking glass of a soul that was used to being closed.

So, it was easy to think that you fell for this woman, this enchantress of uniqueness because she made you feel things you never felt before.

But, we don’t ever treat love like you treated her—as being disposable. They say we can’t ever truly lose what is meant for us, yet that isn’t a free pass to treat those we love carelessly.

Sometimes, we only lose people because we forget to try to keep them. Not in our pockets as trinkets from a life well-lived or even a life lived from loneliness or despair, but to hold them close to us in such a way that there was no question of how much they meant to us.

She sees the truth not in your eyes, but in your actions.

They say that you don’t ever let true love go, and so perhaps that’s why it’s so easy to think that it was never love because if it was, you’d never have let her go so effortlessly.

So, perhaps it wasn’t love, but it was loneliness.

She was never meant to be someone that made life easier for you; she wasn’t put upon this glorious earth to somehow satisfy your craving for a warm bed. We could blame her too and say that she should have seen all the signs, but maybe she was just blinded by love and simply assumed you were as well.

There’s no reason to love a woman like her, but then again, maybe the hardest truth is that there’s also no reason not to. She might be one of these special souls amongst us whose only purpose on this earth is to simply love and be loved.

Yet, either way, whether she was nothing more than a soft place to land, or if she had captured your heart differently than anyone else, the simple fact is that you let her leave. She was packed away in your old and ratty suitcase of inconvenient emotions quicker than the scent of her faded from your bed sheets.

 

She might have fulfilled her purpose, after all, you know deep down that you’ll never be the same again.

This woman who was never supposed to be anything other than a substitute for what you really want somehow changed what you decided you were truly looking for. But, the reality is none of that matters because as you read this, she is already moving on.

She’s drifting further away, and the only sound she hears is the echo of your loneliness bumping hard and fast against her ribcage as she ventures further and further from your arms.

There are a million ways to show that we love someone, but in the end, it’s only apathy that shows we don’t. I know that it’s a bitter pill to swallow, but if you truly loved her, she’d still be yours. Now, all that you hear is the faded silence of your own condemning choices to lead a life void of intimacy.

The truth is that you’ll assume I’m referring to the way her bare skin slid against yours, and that is, of course, the feeblest of disillusionment, because just sex will never be a sign of intimacy because intimacy is so much more than sex.

But your walls felt good to you, or at the very least they were comfortable, and so you made it easy to forget the feelings that were beginning to bloom and instead buried them under mountains of fear and doubt. When we find a love like hers, we have no choice but to let it change us—and you weren’t ready for that.

Why pretend it was love when in the end it was apparent it was only loneliness?

~Via Kate Rose

Bogart And Bacall

Bebong Thoughts

Based on what I’ve seen and from my personal experience the attitude of boys or men depends largely on how we are women and what we think we deserve and how much we allow things to happen. Boys treat girls according to how they think of us. If we respect ourselves, if we set our personal standard higher and refuse to accept BS from anyone, then they will automatically treat us better. Remember that things are only going to happen if we allow it. Learn to say no walk your talk, and recognize a hopeless situation when you see one. I believe in being a whole on your own. We don’t need someone to complete us and we don’t have to define ourselves through others. We need to be strong alone so we can stand tall no matter what happens. Everyone can leave us or try to hurt our feelings or abuse our trust, but if our core is intact we can survive it all with flying colors. Believe in yourself and in your capabilities. Don’t let anyone makes you doubt your own worth. We don’t need someone to be happy. Our happiness doesn’t depend on others. Being in a relationship is great, falling in love and loving someone is good, but not at our expense. Not if it is damaging to us and making us miserable. I never try to understand or change a partner and I don’t want him psycho-analyzing me in return. If we’re okay together then enjoy the ride while it lasts. Most relationships failed because of (unrealistic) expectations. Why not just accept each other as long as it is working and if not anymore… then time to bail out. There is no use staying in a relationship that is not working anymore. Waste of time and waste of other opportunities. Over thinking and over analyzing someone or your relationship with that person will only complicate the matter. We can never fully understand another human being even though that someone is living with us under the same roof. People evolved, priorities and preferences change over time. The person you know now will not be the same person in another ten years time. Enjoy the moments you have together and as long as there are respect and mutual understanding of rules and boundaries and personal freedom, then by all means stay. But if you start questioning things and feel uncomfortable, then time to check the balance and make a decision.


Someone online has asked advice on her troubled relationship and if it is the right decision to leave her abusive partner whom she loves and cares deeply even though he is mistreating her. This is my answer.

5e

TGIF

I believe in the kind of love that doesn’t constantly demand me to prove my worth and sit in anxiety. I crave a natural connection where my soul is able to recognize a feeling of home in another. Something free-flowing, something simple, something natural. I just want to be taken as I am without question.

maxresdefault (7)

The Invisible Domestic Violence No One Talks About

There were times when I wished he would hit me.

You know, a nice punch to my face. That way, I could have walked to my neighbors and said, “Look! Look what he did! Please help me!” But with me, as with many other women, it wasn’t that simple. It seldom ever is.

Domestic violence has existed as long as humans have walked the Earth. The majority of abusers are men. Most, if not all, were abused as children in some way, shape or form, and were lacking in affection, self-esteem, and good role models. The causes and methods of abuse are many and varied just like the people involved.

Abuse of any type is often a byproduct of years of low self-esteem, feelings of unworthiness, being abused oneself and a million other things all tied together in a vicious knot. It’s a complex and sometimes difficult situation to read.

So too are the circumstances for the victim. No one stays with someone who abuses them physically or verbally because they like to be abused. Most have come to this point because of childhood trauma, a long-term relationship with someone who is an expert at controlling and manipulating their victim, and numerous other issues with self-worth.

The reasons for abuse are almost always the same: abusers need to have power over someone else to help them feel better about their own deficiencies, low self-esteem, and feelings of inadequacy.

Women who are in abusive relationships will often defend their abusers and stay in the relationship long past the time they should have left. It is often the female who blames herself and keeps trying to make things work. Sometimes it’s the subtle mind games of the controlling, manipulative partner that cause a woman to doubt herself and her feelings.

This is often difficult for those who have never been in an abusive relationship to understand, but there are many reasons for this. Some are easily understood, some not so much.

Sometimes it is low self-esteem that holds them in place. My therapist kept asking me one question at the end of every session: “Why did you stay?” I kept answering, “I didn’t want to hurt him.” Then one day, it hit me like a brick. Because of past traumas reinforced by my relationship, I didn’t feel like I deserved any better.

Sometimes it is simply fear that holds them in place. It could be fear of retaliation from the partner should they seek help, or, especially in cases involving verbal abuse and controlling behavior, they feel no one will believe them.

Many times women have taken a stand and decided to leave only to have the abuser decide to end it for all concerned. There have been many cases of this resulting in the death of the woman, and sometimes the children, family, and friends, before the abuser turns the weapon on himself—finally putting an end to the vicious cycle.

Many think that that non-physical abuse is not as harmful or dangerous. This can be a huge mistake. Unlike the women who have been physically abused, there are no outward signs of mistreatment. All the wounds and scars are deep within the psyche—branded in the soul of the abused.

Verbal abuse, and the controlling, manipulative behavior that goes along with it, are the silent killers. Instead of taking a physical life, these abusers will kill a woman’s spirit slowly and painfully. Those who are adept at manipulation do this without anyone imagining the truth of the situation. Outwardly they may appear as the “perfect couple.” Inwardly the woman is in tremendous emotional pain and turmoil. She may not trust her own judgment any longer and may think that this is just how things are meant to be.

The signs and symptoms are many and varied, but they all share the same core issues. There are some subtle warning signs to look for. They include, but are not limited to the following:

  • A woman who is overly critical of herself and always defending her partner.
  • Someone who never socializes without her spouse or partner being present.
  • An overbearing partner, or one who treats their partner like a child.
  • Partner is constantly correcting or showing possessiveness with their actions.
  • And the obvious: unexplained or suspicious bruises, burns and broken bones.

As a society, we must learn to see and recognize these signs and reach out to help in whatever way we can. It may be nothing more than just assuring them that you’re there if they need to talk and really listening if they do so. And if at all possible, let them know they have a place to stay should they need to leave in a hurry. Keep the Domestic Violence Hotline number handy in case they want to call. Sometimes this is all you can do.

We can all learn to listen better, to see more clearly when someone in our life needs help. Sometimes all these women need in order to seek help is non-judgment, kindness, and presence. Chances are they will open up if they feel safe with you.

There comes a time in all types of these relationships when the victim can’t bear it anymore. She must walk away and seek help. Simply having a friend to go to at such a time can be a lifesaver in every sense of the word.

Leaving a long-term abusive relationship is not as easy as most would think. Women tend to blame themselves and keep hoping that things will improve. If someone comes to you for help, please don’t judge. Accept the fact that things are not always as they seem, and reach out a helping hand.

Relephant: Via Deb Avery

Injured woman leaning sadly on wooden wall

Domesticated

He shoved her roughly onto the kitchen table, causing dishes to crash to the floor and condiments to dig into her arched back. He mounted her just as roughly, his body crushing hers until his arms found a place on either side of her head and a knee wedged itself between her thighs.

Effectively, she was trapped in by a wall of such strong masculinity. In one strong pull; he ripped her blouse open, the buttons stinging her face like rubber bullets. With a few more tugs, the bright silk garment lay crumpled and torn, discarded on the floor.

His movements were harsh and spastic as he roamed around her body. Hard hands bruising tender flesh. She struggled involuntarily under the crushing weight of his body.

Impatience causes him to grab a nearby knife to cut off any and all remaining articles of clothing. Her lacy black bra fell first, followed shortly by her cotton skirt. Her nylons proved to be a challenge. He nicked her half a dozen times before finally getting them off.

After what seemed like ages but was, in reality, a couple of minutes, she was completely exposed. By now his desire was threatening to rip his front open and she could feel the terrible pressure and heat on her thigh.

Three seconds and his garment were undone. Another three seconds and he was inside… An outcry of pain escaped her lips as he quickened the pace even further. His grin was wicked, the fear left her eyes. Her cries were that of pleasure now.

They climaxed soon after and he dismounted her abruptly. She went upstairs, her head held high to get dressed and freshen up before heading back to work.

Leaving her unemployed husband home to clean up his mess.


I found this excerpt in my old documents. I don’t remember writing it and I have no idea how it gets there. I received tons of materials from friends and acquaintances I long lost track of their origins. They are from a file labeled “strangers” I don’t know what that means. Anyway, I find that it fits the prompt quite well. Literally.

sex life

Bury

When a word (or anything for that matter) hits close to home it hurts. How can I bury the painful memories of my youth and most of my adult life? My youngest sister doesn’t want to bury the hatchet. She continues to nurse an imaginary wound, sustains it through the years, feeds it with anger and hate till it grows like cancer eating her from the inside. For the record, the offense didn’t happen at all. She made it up as an excuse to harm me in every possible way. She uses it to justify her wrong doings, damage me and drag my name through the mud, ruining everything I built and worked for. 

If there is someone who has the right to hate, it would be me. My reasons are supported by facts. The only thing I regret so far is allowing all of these to happen for so long before I see them for what they truly are: parasites. They used me. All of them. With no regards for my feelings and hard work. They cheat, lie and deceived. And I let them because I thought they are family. I thought I meant something more to them than merely a meal ticket. I was wrong. 

You know what is the worst of all? When people believe their own lies. They create a reality for themselves so they can live with what they have done. How they can look at themselves in the mirror straight in the eyes while deep down inside they know they are lying. I severed the umbilical chords few years ago. I have enough. I don’t want to know anymore. But they continue to haunt me. Physically, emotionally and psychologically. I know that my sister will carry her grievance to her grave. She will devote her life on the quest of bringing me down. She had done this all her life, she doesn’t know any better. There is sibling rivalry and there is pure evil pretending to be something else. Her jealousy and hatred consume her. I Can see that. I pity her. Living in lies all these years. Doing all the things she accuses me of doing all the while pretending to be the victim.  She said she has to let go of the things that are making her unhappy and I thought: Why not start with facing and telling the truth for once? Then maybe your burden will lessen considerably and maybe you can finally rest.

But like what my ex-husband said to me when I asked him why he didn’t come clean sooner so perhaps we could still fix what needed to be fixed he said: When you entangled yourself with your own web of lies it is difficult to find your way out. One lie leads to another, then another thinking you can cover your ass by fabricating more lies believing you will be able to get yourself out somehow but he was wrong of course. Truth will always prevail. Always. And I’m counting on it…

  voodoo-spells3 (2)

Until We Are Whole, We Will Continue To Attract Halves

“What I can do is offer myself, wholehearted and present, to walk with the people I love through the fear and mess. That’s all any of us can do. That’s what we’re here for.” ~ Shauna Niequist

Until we have become whole, we will attract those who are meant to teach us lessons about who we are.

This isn’t about just learning to love who we are, but about welcoming each and every part of ourselves without shying away from the aspects we see as contradictions.

To love is a journey that first begins with the formation of our true self.

While many of us have grasped the idea that there is no one out there who can truly be our other half, we still are learning lessons about ourselves or who we choose to be with.

Every single one of us is on a different path, with a different philosophy about love. Yet we all have similar lessons to learn.

To be whole means that we’ve discovered the truth about who we are. Not who we have been told we are, or who we have been conditioned to be—but our truest self—apart from anyone else’s expectations.

This means that we have to make the conscious choice to follow our intuition—our hearts will lead us in an authentic direction. This can be one of the most difficult aspects of life because we are taught to consider others in our choices.

But in reality, we are not living our life for anyone else.

Until we can feel comfortable with who we are, then we will continue to attract individuals who teach us lessons about ourselves.

Personally, part of my journey toward love has involved learning that sometimes what I thought I wanted was the very thing I didn’t need. I was raised as the “good girl.” I never wanted to disappoint my loved ones and I upheld the conservative norms that were expected of me. But during this period of my life, I never stopped to actually consider whether my actions truly aligned with who I was. It was easier to continue blindly doing what I thought I should, instead of stopping to whether it what I really wanted.

So at the time, I didn’t attract a whole person, but another half who was meant to cause chaos and upheaval in my life forcing me to awaken to who I wanted to be.

It wasn’t easy and it also wasn’t the end of my journey or lessons on self-love.

To be able to identify as whole we first have to discover exactly what we are made of, and what our purpose is here on Earth. For many of us, we can only experience these lessons with someone who reflects back our insecurities and our past wounds.

One time I chose a man who was emotionally unavailable because I hadn’t yet become comfortable with my own truth or ask for exactly what I needed.

Honestly, I still hadn’t accepted the truth of what I wanted, so I didn’t expect anyone else to either.

I desperately tried to blend in and fulfill his needs, swallowing down my own truth, and start on the path of traditional love, fulfilling the typical pinnacle moments that many identify as lasting love, such as marriage and children.

Yet, no matter how much I tried to utter the words he needed to hear, I just never could.

I was just a half, trying to find completion by fulfilling the needs of another. I was trying on his capes that I was never meant to wear. Instead, I finally made the choice to take them off and become the woman who I really was all along.

Truthfully, I had been scared of her for a long time.

She was different, her thoughts didn’t align with what everyone else was doing and it seemed that what she wanted things that didn’t exist. This woman didn’t just dance to the beat of her own drum; she flat out created her own music. The most frustrating aspect of her was that even to me, she never made sense.

She was wiser than her years and experiences. She didn’t fit into one box comfortably and seemed to enjoy so many things that it was impossible to decide which her favorite was.

But one evening, I sat her down and looked her in the eyes, realizing that in order to become whole, I needed to accept her.

I needed to love her exactly for who she was, and instead of trying to fit her into someone else’s life, I needed to let her create her own life.

This isn’t an act that was done overnight, or without tears or heartbreak but once we let ourselves balloon out in our entirely whole, beautiful selves, we will finally be in the position to welcome another whole individual into our lives.

We won’t try fitting into their molds or cutting their sharp corners in an attempt to make them fit into ours. We simply will finally be in a place to accept another exactly for who they are, because we have learned to accept ourselves for who we truly are.

Until we have made the choice to love who we really are—contradictions and all—we will continue to attract those who only love a fraction of ourselves.

~via Kate Rose

19430141_1377552665631406_872787964971300782_n

Why We Cheat

Let’s get into a place where we can talk about cheating in relationships.

Let’s not talk about all the cheating that other people are doing, or all the times that we’ve been cheated on.

Let’s talk about something we are less alright with: talking about our own cheating.

Because if we really sit down and are honest with ourselves, we know that everyone cheats.

We are cheaters.

We can lie to ourselves and say, no that wasn’t really cheating because of this reason over here…

(Cue sarcastic brain-voice) Yeah, okay, us—before we start squaring our thoughts and behavior away into labels that aren’t as scary, let’s be honest with ourselves about what cheating is. 

Cheating is anytime we would not want our partner seeing what we’re doing.

If we would change our behavior when they enter the room, then we’re managing the image they have of us, and we are managing it to keep them from knowing things.

This means that the cheating line is not drawn with sex, because we can cheat without having sex, and we can have sex without cheating. The line is not indicated by any external marker–not with blow jobs or drunk-make outs or outright flirtations. The cheating line is drawn at intention.

The cheating line is drawn when we’re hiding, and it’s not that we are hiding from our partners, it’s that we are hiding from ourselves. When cheating is manifest into a lie, that lie is not to the person we are ‘cheating on,’ that lie is the lie that tells us that it’s okay to be in a relationship where we are cheating.

We don’t need to beat ourselves up about this. There’s nothing wrong with us.

We cheat on our partners for all kinds of reasons—it has nothing to do with them. We cheat because we’re pissed off, we cheat because we’re insecure, we cheat because we’re lonely. This is driven by the subconscious part of ourselves that is trying to figure out how to have good relationships.

We have probably cheated on every single partner that we have been with. Maybe we haven’t had sex with people outside our relationships (or maybe we have), but we’ve had those gut-clenchy moments of I can’t tell my partner about this.

Those are the moments we need to pay attention to. If we’re already having sex with other people and not talking about it, there are mountains of other things we have not been talking about with our partners. For months. Or years. Or millennia.

We need to pay attention to the moments where we have this thought: I can’t be myself around the person I’m in a relationship with. 

Here is the logic of that: we are born as ourselves, we aren’t anybody else (we know this because we have skin that keeps us separate from others). This is the only constant–that from birth until death, we will always be ourselves, living inside of ourselves. Therefore, whether we realize it or not, we want our lives to feel easy for us to be ourselves.

We aren’t cheating because this is our idea of a good time. We are cheating because we are experiencing disconnection with ourselves and we don’t know a different way to feel good, so we only allow ourselves to feel good in short bursts.

We don’t like cheating.

We want to find the path of lowest resistance so that as we go through life, it feels effortless to be ourselves.

If our relationships are making it difficult for us to be ourselves, then what the fuck are we doing there? 

Why are we in a relationship where we have to stay bottled in?

And here’s how cheating reinforces itself: we know when we feel bottled in (even if we aren’t saying anything about it), and all we want is to let ourselves out. Cheating is a way of letting ourselves out.

(So once we start cheating with a partner, do we ever really stop?  I think the answer to this could be yes or no, but we should really sit down and have an honest conversation with ourselves about the matter.)

It’s easy to look at cheating as a big bird-flip to whomever we are cheating on.

But—if we’re cheating, then we’re in a relationship where we’re fucking cheating, and cheating feels like shit.

Cheating feels like shit even if we come home from banging our mistress (or mister) to crawl into bed with our wife (or hubby), and high-five ourselves in the mirror during clean-up. The high-five is just a cover-up, a justification to go to sleep tonight like this and wake up tomorrow and let this be reality for one more day.

So we know that this is a no-win situation for anyone. We don’t want to be cheating. We really don’t.

Because we know–somewhere inside of us—that when we start even just thinking about cheating, that’s when the cheating starts, and we haven’t quite mastered the ability to control our thoughts yet, so it’s not as if we are asking for this.

We would definitely rather have a relationship with someone where those thoughts never pop up. That would be splendid.

But sometimes the thoughts do pop up and we don’t know how to control that–because we’re not enlightened all the time—because we don’t know the secrets of the universe—because we aren’t perfect–because, because.

We’re just becoming ourselves. That’s all we’re doing.

We want to figure out how to make our lives feel good when we’re not cheating.

Even when we’re cheating, our whole goal of everything is to figure out how to not cheat and still feel good.

Because we know that cheating has to end. It’s highly unsustainable, and there’s only a short period of time that the cheating can take place before rapid shifts happen (either we talk about it and it becomes dramatic, or we cut someone out of our lives, but something dramatic happens—it’s too much pressure in such a small space). So even if cheating feels good, we know that it won’t feel good, soon. Very soon the shift is coming.

It’s like remembering we saw a slippery when wet sign a few seconds ago and then seeing someone in high heels running through the hallway trying to answer the phone—we know the jaw-to-floor collision is going to happen, and we feel powerless to make it stop.

There’s nothing wrong with it. Any of it. It’s just that when we’re cheating, it doesn’t feel good.

There is one agreement we must make with ourselves to cut the internal tie between us and cheating. We must agree with ourselves when we say: cheating doesn’t feel good, I no longer want to be cheating.

That is the agreement. We must make that agreement with ourselves, otherwise the cheating continues to happen.

That is the only resolution. It’s not changing our partner (although we may find that we want to cheat on some partners more than others. That’s okay.), or changing our friends, or not going to bars.

It’s that one simple internal agreement.

When we make that agreement, cheating begins to stop in our relationships. It stops making sense. Maybe we cycle through a few weird relationships while we’re going through this conversation with ourselves, but eventually, the cheating stops.

The cheating stops because we start talking to our partners about what we’re feeling and what we’re going through.

We start paying more attention to how our relationship feels to us so that if we are going to cheat on someone, we catch a thought of cheating early, before chaos ensues to several lives, and we bring this to conversation with our partner, which maybe brings us closer.

We start creating bonds that are physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually engaging, so that our relationships feel full and stable.

We love cheating because it helps us grow.

And what a beautiful thing: that we are given things to outgrow; obstacles to overcome. And we get to be ourselves the whole way through.

Man, life is good.

~Brentan Schellenbach

Unfaithful Husband