Tag Archives: relationships

The Truth About Forever

“He wasn’t the type for displays of affection, either verbal or not. He was disgusted by couples that made out in the hallways between classes and got annoyed at even the slightest sappy moments in movies. But I knew he cared about me: he just conveyed it more subtly, as concise with expressing this emotion as he was with everything else. It was in the way he’d put his hand on the small of my back, for instance, or how he’d smile at me when I said something that surprised him. Once I might have wanted more, but I’d come around to his way of thinking in the time we’d been together. And we were together, all the time. So he didn’t have to prove how he felt about me. Like so much else, I should just know.”

― Sarah Dessen, 

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Halfway In Between

“I have to admit, an unrequited love is so much better than a real one. I mean, it’s perfect… As long as something is never even started, you never have to worry about it ending. It has endless potential.”

This quote above reminds me of an episode when during the happiest, wildest, confusing, enjoyable painful saddest ride of my life when I was lost looking for my rainbow connection the captain ball of my basketball team refused despite his teammates urging him to put a stop to his shenanigans and properly court me so we could all move on (meaning if I turned down the guy the next in line can try his luck and if I accept him then they will know the chase is over and life can go back to normal) he said: “Why would I do that? This way, you can all wait forever and I will always be at the head of the queue.” He was seventeen, sweet and such a handful. I was thirty-one, looking like sixteen, daring and crazy like hell but has a decency and sense not to give in to temptation. Those were the days.

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The Elephant In The Room

“There’s a phrase, “the elephant in the living room”, which purports to describe what it’s like to live with a drug addict, an alcoholic, an abuser. People outside such relationships will sometimes ask, “How could you let such a business go on for so many years? Didn’t you see the elephant in the living room?” And it’s so hard for anyone living in a more normal situation to understand the answer that comes closest to the truth; “I’m sorry, but it was there when I moved in. I didn’t know it was an elephant; I thought it was part of the furniture.” There comes an aha-moment for some folks – the lucky ones – when they suddenly recognize the difference.”

― Stephen King

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It’s Not The Place, It’s The Company

Beautiful evening in the dunes. The landscape is bathed in a golden haze enhancing every blade of grass, every flower top, giving them a magic cozy peaceful appearance. She supposed to be happy, tranquil. In any other circumstances, she would be for this is her kind of environment, almost alone, quiet, stunning scenery, slight breeze and water and sinking sun never failed to cheer her up. But not today. Today she can hardly breathe, she feels her chest might explode in any moment trying to hold back the tears that insist on flooding her cheeks. She’s crying hard inside. All those years of pent up emotions, suppressed anger, disappointments, and disillusions come bubbling to the surface spilling over the edge in a current of undisguised passion. She wants to shout, to lash out, to hit something but most of all to disappear, to run away as far as she could and never look back. But what comes out of her mouth is a series of choking faltering sounds that barely inaudible, threatening to strangle her from within because she knows she cannot escape, she’s trapped, a prisoner, boxed in, there is no way out.

Is this what marriage and love are all about?

She strongly wishes she didn’t get married. she doesn’t want someone, anyone to say they love her. Experience taught her that love means pain, heartaches, forgetting one’s needs, wants and desires, existing solely for others, giving up one’s freedom and dreams. Love means losing one’s self and being numb, sad and lonely… 

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Aftermath

It took me three years to divorce him. I had to relinquish everything for him to sign. It was two years before I learnt to trust myself again. And another two before I dared trust anyone else. I still have trust issues… I still have nightmares… still run to the basin to wash myself… still check the bolt on every door…still jump out of my skin every time I hear a sound I don’t recognize… still sleep with a big knife under my pillow… I keep telling myself I’ve done the right thing and kudos to myself for having the courage to stand and fight back and eventually leave. Now all I have to do is believe I am safe.

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TO THE GIRL HE WILL LOVE AFTER ME

Let me just first erase the thought in your mind that I am mad on you. No, I am not. In fact, I am glad he ended up being with you. Even though I don’t know you that much, I know you’ve got all the attributes that he likes. That is the very reason why he chose you over me.

You are very lucky for having him. He is a treasure, a rare one. He is sometimes naughty but let him be. He is just about to cuddle you. He is as sweet as candies, he is lovely as the day goes by, he is patient, my dear. He is ready to understand everything you demand… He is an ear to your nonsense dramas. He is a shoulder to cry on in pains. He is somehow quiet, but he’ll be the noisiest man on earth when saying how much he loves you. He is a man of few words, but a man with one word. He knows how to keep his promises… That’s why I am thinking: why he left me? He won’t just be your boyfriend, but your friend, the very best one, your knight in shining armor, your superman, your living diary, your handkerchief. He is a complete package.

But most of all, he will be your man. Strong enough to hold you, dauntless to fight for you, you’ll be his kryptonite.

Take care of him, sweetheart. I may have caused him so much pain, I may have caused him so much ache but I have loved him above all. Don’t worry, I know I am not his happiness now. And if happy is not me, I have to let him go…

Things just didn’t work out on us. I do hope in the two of you will. And it might kill me watching your hearts collide, but I’ll wholeheartedly accept.

Keep him for he is for keeps. Take care of him for he’s too much vulnerable. Be patient with him for he is a child at heart.
Listen to him for all he wants is a good listener for he knows how to do it. And lastly, love him as much as you can. Don’t you ever give up on him. Love him in the most possible way. Love him because that is what he deserves, love him because you love him.

Words by: Hannah Eunice Villamin

#FallInArts

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It’s Complicated

“Has someone ever told you that you are too difficult to love?” She poured herself another mug of lukewarm coffee. I sat on the grey sofa reading Sputnik Sweetheart by Murakami. She sat right beside and clasped the end of her dotted skirt. “People have left me for it. I don’t blame them, though. On most days, loving me is a task.” After saying, she took the book from my hand. She inhaled the scent of the pages. “Isn’t Sputnik the name of the first artificial satellite?” I nodded. “So, you don’t hold it against those people?” I asked without meeting her gaze. From a distance, I could hear the sound of a Ferris wheel. “Not really.” Her voice brought me back. “Don’t all relations disappoint in the end? I mean everyone leaves. Sooner or later, people see the blemishes. The imperfections overwhelm them. Staying will mean accepting and efforts. Few are ready to do it.” She fiddled with her hair as I devoured another cigarette. “So, you don’t just believe in love, then?” She gazed into my eyes and paused as if to frame her words carefully. “I do. I just find people who are as difficult to love. In that way, the struggle to love becomes the entire point.” She tapped a button on remote and filled the room with music, rhythms, and sound. I read Murakami while she gazed into nowhere thinking about loss, love, and how lonely must those satellites feel when they quietly stroll through the sky.

~ hardik nagar The Honest Musing

Bogart And Bacall

Door Slam

Many people might read this without having a clue what an INFJ is, let alone an INFJ “door slam.” However, INFJs and those who have been involved in relationships with them will understand exactly what it is.

INFJ is a personality type characterized by the Myers Briggs Personality archetypes. INFJs are believed to make up approximately one percent of the population and the initials stand for: introverted, intuitive, feeling, and judgment.

Out of all the INFJ traits, the “door slam” may be the most infamous. The reason is not due to the actual hypothetical door slamming, but because of what takes place up until it’s firmly shut.

When INFJs connect with someone, they give it their all, so if someone repeatedly takes advantage of the fact they have become emotionally invested, or if they are abused relentlessly, INFJs eventually decide enough is enough, and they will sever all ties. This can include blocking telephone numbers, social media links, and, in extreme cases, moving house and giving no forwarding address.

INFJs are tolerant creatures and are renowned for allowing people to treat them badly. They are compassionate, empathetic, forgiving souls, and they try to give people the benefit of the doubt and offer chance after chance in the hope the person will change.

Some INFJs hope that by slamming the door it will make the other person realize what they have lost and trigger them to put in a huge and genuine effort to make amends and attempt to work things out. INFJs don’t enjoy drama or leaving on a negative note, so in many ways, the door slam can be a final chance for the other person to be jolted to action. Even if the relationship can’t be fully salvaged, at least there would be no lingering hard feelings.

Often, by the time the door has been slammed, it is “too little, too late” to make amends, as too much water has passed under the bridge. The INFJs want the other person to get the message that they have gotten to this stage, so they don’t try to walk back through the door thinking everything is okay.

What takes place following the door slam gives the INFJ all the information they need about the state of the relationship, friendship, or family dynamic. If silence follows, the INFJ will just keep on walking without glancing back.

The reason INFJs get to this place of strength is that they grieve and mourn the loss before they actually lose the connection with the person. This makes it far easier for them to accept that the relationship they thought they had was based on an illusion and what they thought they had didn’t actually exist.

INFJs are introverts, which means they internally process much of what goes on around them. Therefore, if they do not feel emotionally safe with someone, they may not openly express what they are thinking or feeling.

Instead, INFJs will figure things out in their own time, in their own way, and make decisions that may appear sudden and shock those around them. However, at an internal level, the decisions are far from sudden and are usually the results of days, weeks, or years of deliberation.

Before the door slam, INFJs usually give out numerous warnings and let whoever is involved know that they do not find their behavior acceptable. Door slams usually happen when an INFJ has distanced themselves after being repeatedly and relentlessly hurt by someone, and most likely when they do not feel the other person is willing to make any effort to change.

Therefore, when an INFJ is done, they feel liberated and lighter, and they swiftly move forward. They may remove all reminders of the past and appear to others, or the person they slammed the door on, as though they are cold and calculated. However, they only reach this place if that person has continuously been cold-hearted with them.

INFJs are not the types to make demands upon people and tell them how they want to be treated, or how they should, or should not, behave, especially when it comes to romantic relationships. They hope that if someone cares deeply about them, their actions and words will reflect how they feel.

The trouble here is that because INFJs are highly intuitive and read situations well, they sometimes forget that not everyone has this ability. They may expect people around them to be mind readers and to analyze situations as intently as they do, and when they don’t, instead of offering clues, they might close off contact. Although INFJs are compassionate, it would serve them well to try to communicate as openly as possible and explain how and why they feel the way they do before opting out.

INFJs would do well to not allow the situation to get to the stage where they feel burned out, used, and abused. Although the door slam is done as a self-protection mechanism, INFJs can try to discern whether they are devoting too much time and energy to those who do not hold the relationship in the same high regard. Pulling back from relationships that are not mutually respectful prevents INFJs from feeling hurt and disappointed when people do not treat them fairly, or do not show them compassion or care.

Although the door slam sounds severe, INFJs are forgivers and may allow the person they’ve slammed the door on a place in their lives in the future, but that is only if they feel behaviors have changed and they aren’t going to fall back into the same unhealthy dynamics.

Sometimes the door slam only happens in the mind and heart of the INFJ, and they continue to remain in contact with the “door slam” person. However, a significant change in the relationship has occurred by this point, and the INFJ will no longer be investing the same time, attention, and energy into a relationship, and the contact will be limited to functional communication.

Either way, it is rare for an INFJ to entirely trust someone that they once slammed the door on again, therefore, the relationship will likely never be the same as what it once was.

Those who are in a dynamic with an INFJ can work out how serious the door slam is by observing whether the slam was done in haste and fury, or calmly and rationally. If it’s the latter, the likelihood is that the decision has been firmly made and there is little chance of getting back in.

INFJs are far more likely to slam a door quickly, and for good, when someone has hurt someone they love and care about. Sadly, they may allow themselves to be abused over and over, but they will not tolerate abuse of any kind when it is directed at anyone else.

~ Alex Myles via Relephant

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The Mirror Effect Of The Empath And Why Some People Instantly Dislike You

We have all experienced it, being around someone who has either taken an instant dislike to us, or a bizarre resentment suddenly appears in those we have known for some time.

There may be no clear reason for this change in their behavior. No matter whether they try to hide their feelings or not, an Empath can sense their loathing and it does not feel good!

Someone taking a dislike to another is a completely normal and acceptable part of life. We are all different and there will always be some people we do not get along with, whether Sensitive or not.

What is often baffling to the Empath is why some people act in an animostic way towards them, when they know they are a likable and trustworthy person.

Now other than the fact that some people will always want to take away the light of those who shine, I have come to discover there are three other reasons why people either cool off or take an instant dislike towards the Empath and they are:

They Act as a Mirror

Their Vibration is too Fast

Their Stillness is Wrongly Interpreted

Reflecting Back

It is common for people to act inauthentically. They hide who they are because they don’t like aspects of their personality. An Empath has the ability to reflect this back to them.

There are some who hide aspects of their personality to manipulate others. But the majority who act inauthentically do so to fit in.

The fear of being judged or disliked, for what they don’t like about themselves, makes some wear a mask of inauthenticity. Even those of a Sensitive nature put on a face when out in the world. There are some, however, who never remove their mask, going through life with a false identity.

When one comes face to face with an Empath there is no hiding from these concealed traits; the mask comes off. The traits they have worked hard to hide or deny are now waved in their face. This often causes ill-feelings to be directed towards the Empath.

Because being around an Empath can bring up anything buried, it may cause a strong loathing to develop in others. However, what those who experience this ‘loathing’ don’t realize is the intense dislike they have, towards the Empath, is simply a reflection of their shadow-side. Anything hidden becomes seen within the ‘Mirror of the Empath’.

The Mirror Effect

Because an Empath picks up on other people’s emotions, hidden behaviors and true personality traits, they can take them on and thus project them back out to their rightful owner. They can wear other people’s truth like the mask they hide behind; even if they are unaware they are doing it.

Anything hidden, such as an insecurity, suppressed shame, guilt or anger, builds the longer it is left buried. If someone has traits they don’t like about themselves, they are reminded of them when in an Empath’s presence. This is one reason why instant dislikes can form towards an Empath.

If this has been your experience, it could well be that you are reflecting back to them the truth they deny. Or there could be another reason…

Your Vibration is Too Fast…

Just like an Empath’s need not to be around people who spew negativity, there are some who cannot stand to be around those who vibrate a clean energy.

When you work on yourself, and make any positive changes to your mind, body or spirit, you become cleaner and purer. This can cause rejection from those who need to be around low-level vibrations.

You may have also noticed that when in an emotionally low place, some friends prefer you that way. Yet when you make changes and put yourself in a high vibrating space, those same friends don’t like it. They may try to bring you back down and extinguish your inner-light and happiness.

Vibrating in a higher space can repel even those you love. People sense change, whether it is visually apparent or not. And they feel when another has changed or stepped up their frequency.

Not everyone is ready to raise their vibration. Some still have lessons to learn at their level and are not ready to move forward. And because they are not ready, they may try to draw you back down.

Also, if you don’t feel like a fit to them anymore, it may cause hostility towards you and another reason they are repelled.

Your Stillness is Wrongly Interpreted

To those of an insecure nature, your quiet, and sometimes distant, ways are often seen as a form of disrespect or a snub.

Because at times, you may appear aloof some may consider this to be superior behaviour. Wrongly assuming you believe you are in some way above them.

Normally, when an Empath acts in an aloof or distant way, it is because they are on overload.

When having taken on too many stimuli from their surroundings and are in serious need of recharging, the Empath wants nothing more than to be invisible to others.

And when heading towards a fatigue meltdown, the last thing an Empath can deal with is someone offloading their troubles, like so many like to do. Even polite conversation is too much. This is often interpreted as a rejection or an insult.

Because others don’t feel what an Empath feels, it is difficult for them to understand why they have to withdraw the way they do.

Sadly, the more insecure someone is, the more they are offended by your quiet ways. If they see you as blowing hot and cold, they may consider this as disrespect and reject you as a way to hurt you.

So, if someone develops an aversion towards you, for no good reason, remember not to take it personally. It is just the Mirror of the Empath at work.

~Written by Diane Kathrine at Empaths Empowered via Theknowing1

Old Mirror Standing Against Wall

“If I Could”

If I Could
I’d protect you from the sadness in your eyes
give you courage in a world of compromise
yes I would
If I could

I would teach you all the things I’ve never learned
and I’d help you cross the bridges that I’ve burned
yes I would
if I could

I would try to shield your innocence from time
but the part of life I gave you isn’t mine
I’ve watched you grow
so I could let you go
if I could

I would help you make it through the hungry years
but I know that I can never cry your tears
but I would
if I could

if I live in a time and place where you don’t want to be
you don’t have to walk along this road with me
my yesterday won’t have to be your way

if I knew

how I’d try to change the world I brought you to
and there isn’t very much that I can do
but I would
if I could
if I could

I would try to shield your innocence from time
but that part of life I gave you isn’t mine
I watched you grow so I could let you go
if, if I could

I would help you make it through those hungry years
but I know that I can never cry your tears
but I would
if I could

yes I would
yes I would
if I could.

~ Music by Barbra Streisand

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Stories

The story of how one t-shirt makes me feel

All I have left of you is one t-shirt.
I deleted all your texts and erased you from social media. I even threw away an odd sock I found of yours, black with an orange toe and heel.

This one t-shirt that I can barely bring myself to look at, let alone wear, crops up in my washing every now and again. It is so foreign to me, so infinitesimally you that I cannot wear it and feel at home. I do not recognize it. Maybe that is because I never felt at home with you. Never felt comfortable in my own skin. Always brittle, on edge, ready to snap and break in your presence. To shut down and shut you out.

This one t-shirt is all I have left to remind me of you. When I close my eyes and try to conjure your image up I cannot. I can only see small details. Your red curls, your ice blue eyes, the freckle on the pinkie of your left hand – the one I only noticed the day we walked away from each other. I remember the gap in your teeth, that funny tight smile and the way you used to say my name, hold my hand, stroke my face. But you as a whole/the person I thought I knew? That I cannot see.

This t-shirt is all I have left to remind me of the darkest five months of my life. The hardest, most painful, jagged and scarring thing I have ever endured. Five months of stretching and snapping. Five months of seeing how happy we could have been and five months of being miserable. Five months of wanting to let go and love and not being able to. Five months of pushing you away and wanting to hold you close. This t-shirt is a memento of my failure. Of my loss. Of you.

When I wear this t-shirt and people comment on it – they say ‘that suits you’ or ‘i haven’t seen you in that before’ or why don’t you wear it more often?’ And the words to tell them why I do not wear it catch it my throat. I say – it is not mine.

I can never bring myself to say that it is yours.

― Alice Nicolov

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Six Degrees Of Separation

If I were to kill myself tonight I would do it to get into hell
And from that eternal consuming state
I’d wander 3,000 feet below your toes 
And that, to me
Is the apotheosis of everything I couldn’t say
Because you weren’t ready to hear it
Or maybe because I fear rejection
And showing nothing means feeling nothing
I wish I could mutter the words
To bring you back
To have you crawling from under my bed
And finally, realize you were the monster in my head
The idyll in my dreams
The reason I’ve turned into an insomniac sleepwalker
A wrecked lifeless being
Who later took this nothingness and despair
And transformed it into poetry
With which I hoped I could make you mine
And force you to remain in our realm
Built on demons and sleepless nights
And inner peace
To get by.

Six degrees of separationby Vlada Bunescu

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Pairs

Things of importance,
Are always in twos I presume.

Sadness, joy
And then
Sadness resumes.

Moments shared with you
Are always lived twice.

Once what angered me
I laugh at it and rejoice

And then I remember
The rainy December
We’d laughed till we got
All tired

Now I looked back at that time and cried.
I live my every moment with you
In two alternating shades

Once with you
And then again
As your presence fades.

— “Pairs” by Iqra Aslam 

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