It was many and many a year ago…

They say you are handsome.

I didn’t see that.

They say you have amazing eyes.

I failed to see that too.

They say you have a body of a Greek God.

Why I didn’t notice?

To me, you were just one of those.

Looking at your pictures now, I can see they are right.

Too Late.

Not that it matters.

It will never work out.

Come to think of it, maybe I vanished you due to hearsay.

So stupid of me. Naive.

I wonder if you are innocent.

Like you always claim to be.

But then again___

What if___

Does it make any difference?

I guess not.

So, it is better you’re there and I am here.

Like probably it meant to be.

Nuggets Of Wisdom

Losing friends…

I call it an achievement. I considered people I knew or I hung out with as my friends. I realized much later that friends are people who accept you and cherish you as you are. Friends are on your side no matter what.

I had close friendships in my life. Yet, I’ve also been betrayed by them. I carried the pain of feeling betrayed for many years. It became difficult for me to form close friendships with people after that.

But when you understand yourself, the outside world becomes easy to understand. I realized I was carrying the wound of feeling betrayed, which was not supposed to be carried. It didn’t belong to me. A person who betrays has to live with him or herself ultimately. It’s her relationship with herself. The way we treat others is how we treat ourselves.

When I choose to leave a betrayer, I am choosing the quality of life I want for myself. Today, I choose who I want in my life as friends with a better checklist. This filters out selfish people, and those looking for some benefit from association with me. Or those only wanting to get and not willing to give. It filters out those who are manipulative.

The betrayal I’ve experienced from past friendships has been a gift because I now have better quality friends in my life today.

If you are willing to negotiate loyalty and honesty with friends just to have them in your life, no one else is responsible apart from you when these people hurt you.

(AUTHOR: AASHIMA BHATIA)

A Beautiful Mind No More

A long time ago I forced myself to write about something that hurts me the most. You can read it here.

Yesterday, I found via Facebook that the person is dead. Too young! Too soon! But then again, under the circumstances, perhaps it is for the best.

When she died, I have no idea. I will not ask. I stop talking to them millions of years ago. I’m not going to start now.

How she died, I don’t want to know. Living on the streets says enough. I could imagine hundreds of different scenarios. None of them good. She had been beaten up, raped, wounded and God knows what in the past. It hurts to remember. It hurts to think. It hurts to imagine.

Now, she’s gone. End of her sufferings. She lived a hard life. Never known love.

If I have a place in heaven and if there is truly a God, please, give mine to her. She deserves it more than anyone I know.

Rest in peace sister. May you find love and happiness wherever you are.

The One who is So Wrong Yet So Right—the One we Can’t Resist.

And your heart knows the risk is worth it.

Then I met him. It was a love I resisted at first. On paper, we didn’t match. The lens into the future was foggy at best. But, maybe the best romances are the ones we can’t push away—the ones we can’t ignore because the pull outweighs the resistance.

I often wonder if God placed him in my world to love me so profoundly that I hang on forever, or if he’s here to rock my soul. To teach me never to accept any less than a love that makes me feel this wildly alive.

After all, some lovers only need a season to teach us what others couldn’t in a lifetime. And a traditional love story is boring anyway.

(AUTHOR: JENNA IRVIN)

Happiness Is Boring

There are lots of real reasons to decide to leave something or someone, but there are lots of other reasons that are less valid and less real and less about a relationship than our own minds: Fear (of screwing up, of being left, of not being good enough), restlessness, resistance to growing up, PMS, not knowing how to live without drama, fearing that you’re getting happy, and happiness is boring.

The thing that scared me the most was the knowledge that if I stayed, something was going to change and that something was probably me. I didn’t know what changed me would look like, or if I would like him more or less than I already did. Would I still recognize myself? Would I still be myself? ― Anna White

This Is Not A Confession

There was this gorgeous natural pool between two mountains with cute, small waterfalls descending from one side and a river with a reasonable fast current down on the other side with a picturesque bamboo bridge across.

I like the place because it was kind of private, peaceful and the fauna and flora were simply breath-taking. I was stripped down from the waist up and ready to hit the water when I saw her.

She didn’t see me at first; she was deep in thoughts concentrating on negotiating the narrow, steep path leading down to the pool. She was wearing a blue bikini with a green and yellow flower pattern with a matching pareo tied around her hips. She was so beautiful! The sight of her almost took my breath away.

When she was almost at the bottom of the steps, she saw me. A strange mixture of surprise and fear (?) registered on her face. But that was only for a fraction of a second, she quickly pivoted on her heels and run!

But I was quick. I only wanted to stop her and talk, thinking this is maybe my only chance to catch her alone, I simply could not let her go away.

 I caught up with her easily. This is my terrain, my playground; I know the place better than anyone, I grew up here, negotiating treacherous surfaces is second nature to me. She, on the other hand, is a city girl. Too bad for her.

When I reached her something I never planned happened. What I did was___ grabbed her, turned her towards me, pulled her closer, and kissed her passionately. It happened so fast she didn’t get the chance to react. Why she must taste so sweet and so soft to hold I right away lost control of myself?

I pulled her even closer against me, she let a moan, she said: “Oh, Michael.” And went limp in my arms.  My knees buckled, my legs turned to Jell-O, my mind went blank, and suddenly the world had stopped from turning. I heard thunder and lightning everywhere and I was stiff as a pole.

When I carried and laid her on the grass, she did not resist. It was starting to get dark. When I lay next to her; she closed her eyes and bit her lips. We kissed hungrily for a while, touching, exploring. I was only beginning to discover where everything is. I never realized that a kiss could taste like heaven I didn’t want to stop.

The moment I removed her bikini top, she gave me a look I had never seen before anywhere or from anyone in my life. Not even on her. All I know was what the look did to my blood ‒ boil!

When I pulled the rest of the bikini all the way down, she clung to me passionately, we’re like two people drowning; very fast and there was no tomorrow. When I entered her, I thought I was going to pass out from ecstasy. It was good. No, better than good, better than anything I have ever experience so far, it was worth dying twice over.

When I murmured in her ear that I have no idea it would be like this, she said: “You don’t see nothing yet.” And she showed me. Not one, not twice, but six times over!

We laid side by side afterward looking at the moon.

Then she said: “Now, what?”

Borrowed Feelings

The last time I felt alive – I was looking into your eyes.
Breathing your air…. touching your skin…
… Saying goodbye…
The last time I felt alive… I was dying.

He was both everything I could ever want…
And nothing I could ever have…

Every quote, every book, every film seemed to suggest that ‘one day’ someone would come into my life and love me with an intensity and a passion I had never experienced before. And to their credit they were right; It all came and went so fast it really did feel as if it were just ‘one day’…

If you’re searching for a quote that puts your feelings into words – you won’t find it.
You can learn every language and read every word ever written – but you’ll never find what’s in your heart.
How can you?
He has it.

You can miss places. You can miss people.
Just know that what you’re really missing is the way things were. And even if you could go there again…. see them again…. you can’t go back.
They’re not the same.
You’re not the same.
The loss of them changed you.

I try to do something positive – I socialize more…
But deep down I know the truth.
An entire world of people can never replace the one that I’ve lost.

It’s the intricate details you miss the most.
For me, it’s the soft lines around the eyes when he smiles… Or that look he gave me sometimes that I cannot begin to describe – but I would know it if I saw it again.
It was the look that gave him away.
I’d know that look anywhere…
It used to be my everything.

You’re everything to me.
But at best, I’m just a memory to you.

It hurts that I was just one page in the book of your life…
But what hurts more is knowing you’ll revise that chapter someday…
….. and you’ll erase me completely.

I still think of you every day.
But I’m trying not to let it hurt me with the same intensity that it used to.

And as painful as that is, it still kind of warms me to know I will always carry a part of you with me.

Though life has fated that we never cross paths again, don’t ever feel alone. For we are parallel …. and I will always be by your side.

Everybody wants their own little place in the world. And maybe mine is here… Loving you from a distance…

(Quotes by Renata Suzuki)

Friends With Benefits

I don’t know how long we stay that way, but we watch the sun go down together. The giant, burnt-orange sphere sinks towards the horizon, coloring the rock layers until it’s gone and the canyon is covered in shadow. ― Jennifer Salvato

I once had a best friend I could talk to for hours. We could philosophize endlessly, oblivious to the passing of time. I remember one afternoon I knocked on his door lay next to him in bed and we started talking. We didn’t realize it was night already. Only when his brother snapped the light on and asked what on earth we were doing in the dark did we noticed that indeed it was already that late. We look into each other’s eyes and giggled. Nobody understands.

And that one time we were drinking on the terrace whole night, sitting on the balustrade, feet dangling in space ignoring the danger, just concentrating on the two of us, the outside world locked out. Suddenly, we saw a flame behind the mountains and we thought: fire! There was a fire out there. But of course, it wasn’t fire. It was the sun rising up. Night owls as we were, we rarely saw the dawn for we used to sleep the whole day and only come up when the sun goes down already. Vampires, they called us. Since then we decided to go dawn watching on the top of the mountains. That was magical moments. I miss it sometimes.

There Was A Boy There Was A Girl

Dusk is just an illusion because the sun is either above the horizon or below it. And that means that day and night are linked in a way that few things are there cannot be one without the other yet they cannot exist at the same time. How would it feel I remember wondering to be always together yet forever apart? ― Nicholas Sparks

The above quote reminds me of the film Ladyhawke with Rutger Hauer and Michelle Pfeiffer starring Matthew Broderick. But most of all, it makes me think of a song my mother used to sing when I was little. I told D. about it and for some unknown reason, it seems to traumatized him. I don’t understand why. It is just a song. Here are the lyrics.

There was a girl, there was a boy
If they had met they might have found a world of joy
But he lived on the morning side of the mountain
And she lived on the twilight side of the hill

They never met, they never kissed
They will never know what happiness they’ve missed
‘Cause he lived on the morning side of the mountain
And she lived on the twilight side of the hill

For love’s a rose that never grows
Without the kiss of the morning dew
And every Jack must have a Jill

To know the thrill of a dream that comes true
And you and I are just like they
For all we know our love is just a kiss away
But you are on the…

Maintaining A Healthy Relationship 101

25. Whenever two human beings spend time together, sooner or later they will probably irritate one another. This is true of best friends, married couples, parents and children, or teachers and students. The question is: How do they respond when friction occurs? There are four basic ways they can react:

• They can internalize the anger and send it downward into a memory bank that never forgets. This creates great pressure within and can even result in disease and other problems.

• They can pout and be rude without discussing the issues. This further irritates the other person and leaves him or her to draw his or her own conclusions about what the problem may be.

• They can blow up and try to hurt the other person. This causes the death of friendships, marriages, homes, and businesses

• Or they can talk to one another about their feelings, being very careful not to attack the dignity and worth of the other person. This approach often leads to permanent and healthy relationships.”

― James C. Dobson

Am I Guilty Of “Roaching?”

“Roaching” is a new name for a practice that’s been around for many years. Essentially, it’s a failure to define a relationship as monogamous (or otherwise) and the hurt feelings that often result.

One person believes that the relationship is progressing toward a meaningful one-on-one partnership and is blindsided when they find out that their partner has been seeing other people.

The offending party claims to be surprised that monogamy was assumed or expected because it was never openly discussed. This can seem heartless to some, myself included, but viewed objectively, it’s a valid point.

Mismatched expectations in relationships are nothing new, but regardless of the details or what new dating terms are used, the root cause is the same: the lack of open communication. [Source: Renée Suzanne via Tiny Buddha]

I’ve lost a few friendships because of misunderstanding. In my experience, boy-girl friendship always ends up in tears. Unless both of you belong to a group. Then, there is a chance the relationship might survive. But seeing each other exclusively (even) on friends term, sooner or later, it would go amiss. One of you will expect more and want more and from there downhill all the way.

Aside from one, all of my best friends had been boys. Easier to deal with, play with open cards and no trouble with jealousy. Till they demand to (re) define the relationship, give it an official title and rights to go with the title. That was when it started to go wrong for me and I had no choice but to terminate the connection.

Why they cannot leave it as it was, enjoy the ride while it lasts and forgets about terminology. Who cares about labels? isn’t the moments you share what’s important? Why throw a spanner in the works? Why fix what is not broken? Like Shakespeare said: What’s in a name?

If we started as lovers, then that’s what we are. If we’re friends, then we are no matter how the relationship evolves. We can redefine (not the meaning because like Juliet said – Romeo is still the man she loves had he a different name. It means that a name means little – it is the worth of the individual that counts) the relationship. But it got to be a mutual understanding. You have to be on the same page regarding this matter. But oftentimes, giving another label to the relationship leads to confusion. Suddenly, there are rules involved and expectations become sky-high, so are the disappointments when both parties failed to meet the expectations.

In my experience, men are notorious for wanting to define a relationship. And how fast you can get rid of them when the relationship becomes official. But when it is the other way around- a girl wanting a name attach to a certain understanding- they are also notorious for looking the other way and pretend they don’t understand. So, I found out (accidentally) that it is better not to care (too much) and let whatever you two are having to run its own course.

I enjoy certain togetherness as long as it is not interfering with my own agenda and doesn’t have too many rules attached to it. I think the appropriate term for it is no string attached. I love that. Everybody is free to do what they wish because it will come down to that anyway. And I truly believe that if someone wants to be with you they will be there. If someone wants to stay they will. Likewise, when somebody wants to leave, they would no matter what you say or do. So, relax and enjoy. Don’t overthink and never, never forbid or try to change someone. It is a sure recipe for disaster I can tell you. Not that I tried already. Just logical thinking. Would you like someone to lay down the rules? Tell you what you can and cannot do and force you to be someone you are not? I don’t think so. You know… Golden rule… Don’t do unto others what you don’t want to be done unto you. That’s it! If You do not agree with whatever it is you don’t agree about in a relationship… You always have a choice: You can either stay or go. And whatever decision you make, don’t blame it on anyone but yourself. You got a choice, remember?

So, I will disagree with what was mentioned above: Open communication. Communication is good. The saving grace of every relationship romantic or otherwise. And the downfall too. Hearing the truth doesn’t always mean a solution to the problem. Often times it is the opposite. The glue that holds most relationships together isn’t love, honesty understanding or trust but acceptance in every sense of the word. Acceptance of the situation and of the person you are having a relationship with. Acceptance of the mistakes and shortcomings and acceptance of yourself.

I will tell you what is even better than open communication in regard to an understanding between a man and a woman: Expectation. Or rather the lack of it. We all know that if we don’t expect something we will never be disappointed. If s/he is treating you right and you feel good about it, who needs a definition. If you have the formality but being abused, what good is the name attached to a union?  I’m all for undefined as long as I’m okay with whatever is there at the moment. But the moment I feel violated and used, that’s when I am going to close the chapter ring on it or not.

If you ask me what I can tell you is: nothing is forever. Things will sort itself out. No use stressing yourself about the things that you have no control about.  You will make decisions along the way and it’s up to you to choose which one is right. For the moment, enjoy the ride.