I Did It!

After years of deliberation, self-doubt; hesitation and being a coward; I finally did it. I published my first E-book! No more hiding, no more excuses. It is out there now. There is nothing I can do about it. I would appreciate so much if you check it out and maybe purchase it? Thank you in advance.

Here is the link: The House Across The Street 

There is also an image widget on the top right hand side of my blog page. You can simply click it and it will take you there.

Synopsis:

What if everything you believe in turns out to be nothing but lies? What if everything you hold dear is nothing but a figment of your own imagination? What if the love that you thought was for keeps doesn’t exist at all? What if you don’t know anymore who you can trust including your own self? What if you begin doubting everyone, everything, even your own sanity? What if your almost perfect world suddenly crumbles around you and there is no one you can turn to?

When R.M. came home one day from school and found out that the house across the street wasn’t anymore for sale he thought: Finally, a new neighbor. He never suspected that the seemingly simple and ordinary occurrence would start a series of events that will change the core of his existence and will have a great impact on his future. For R. M. life was about to change that day and not for the better…

See you there!

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Jump

That is what I am telling myself each day. Just jump and get it over with. What are you afraid of? Nothing will happen unless you take the first step and dive. There is no use theorizing about the outcome. You can keep speculating, guessing, but unless you take the crucial plunge you will be stuck where you are_ square one.

Easier said than done. It is not simple to gamble everything you own for the sake of change and so called freedom no matter how you think important the matter is to you. It is not a straight forward decision to one day decide to just leave your safe haven and just go, explore the unknown because you’re bored and feel tied up. Not when you reach a certain age. Not with the current climate. Not when simple everyday things (like peace, safety and freedom) most people including you once upon a time taken for granted become priceless commodities. Not when you are physically sick.

Then stop dreaming then. Stop wanting, stop speculating, stop complaining. If you are not planning to do something about your situation, there is no use thinking, planning, aspiring. Just shut up and resign. It is a waste of valuable time and energy to go on and on thinking all the possible and impossible scenarios about your fantasy and goals when the truth is you are so coward to take the first step and jump. That way you will miss out on a lot of things. You will not enjoy the here and now . You will go round and round in circle without no real destination. And before you know, time had passed and it is too late for you to do anything. You will be forever stuck in the life you are trying to leave. You will wake up one day that your worst nightmare has come true_ you done nothing.

So, what to do? 

Jump you fucking coward! Just do it! What are you afraid of?

Forget about safe haven (safety is subjective) forget about everything you own (you can’t bring them where you-each one of us- eventually end up) forget your age (it is better late than never) forget about your health (we are all born terminal) forget all those worries and fears (they are shackles that holding you) forget everything and start anew. Maybe you will make the wrong decisions. Maybe you will not succeed. Maybe you will regret the move. Whatever might happen at least you can say to yourself that you’ve tried. It is better than forever wonder about what if. Would you want to be there lying in your death bed thinking what could happen if you have enough guts and courage to jump? I think not.

Now is the time. Don’t be afraid. It is better to live and die than just exist.

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Stylish

An artist isn’t a special kind of person: instead, each person is a special kind of artist.

I hate going out.

Not to dance, drink or eat in a restaurant, nothing fancy like that; simply going out. Meaning: opening the door and getting out there. The gap between dressing up and actually being on the streets is for me the distance from the foot of Mt. Everest and its summit. How to get there is as arduous. Both require a great deal of preparations and special clothing. One cannot simply show oneself outside with the type of garments one might prefer to shrouds his/her person indoors. Especially if that someone has some odd preference like myself. Jogging suits it is or pyjamas. A flannel example of the latter might be the best; for it shelters me from the cold which I seem cannot shrug off and feel mainly in my brain.

I found out by experience that most shops owners tend to be partial to those who are taken their time putting on what the majority thinks are proper attire to show oneself in public. This charade never failed to amaze me. I cannot, as hard as I try, comprehend this sort of travesty. Must a mere display of one’s personal choice of  fabrics become so important that it can decide or carry a great deal to most, to reach a certain conclusion about a person and his/her status and therefore must be serve accordingly?  I think not! If a person can pay, which in most cases is true; or otherwise, what is s/he’s doing in there for heaven’s sake, it is of no importance what sort of garments she/he’s  wearing. This gentleman (or lady) must be served with common courtesy characteristic with the trade.

With these in mind, I find I am less and less inclined to show myself in public; not to mention the actual difficulties such as: feeling confined and over burdened. All and all, when one come down to the bottom of it; the dressing up and going out business is too much ‘ado about nothing.

What am I to do with my finery one might ask? Well, it sit rotting in my closet with the tags on; mostly unpack and forgotten. And when in some occasions I come across them, I am either genuinely surprise or annoyed to discover that I own such beautiful things and in great quantity. My valuable pieces of jewelries are entrusted in the care of the bank. For careless as I might seem, deep down inside a level headed girl is lurking. These possessions I treat nonchalantly. They never give me any feeling of importance or satisfaction, but I am well aware of their value both in financial terms and representation to the society. I loathe both.

On rare occasions when I feel forced to make a public appearance, one might be surprise how pleasing in the eyes I can look and how well I carry myself. These owe to the fact that I am a natural smart dresser and seem to always exert confidence. The truth probably lies somewhere between excellent tastes, eye for details due to my artistic nature and belief that if one has to do something, she/he might as well do it good; rather than confidence. For I have little of the latter; almost to the point of non-existence. Roots lie in my childhood. To the mother who expected nothing but excellence and to the father who wished nothing; except perhaps to grow up like a nun or preferably not grow up at all. And to the isolated regimented upbringing my siblings and I were forced to endure.

So, inside I stay.

The longer the isolation continues, the harder it is to change. After all, why change something enjoyable? Most of the time, at least… Aloneness represents another form of ordeal. One can get used to being always in the right if no companion is there to contradict anything one might say. There is always a danger of cultivating singular opinion and habit and believe it to be the only truth exists if no soul is present to correct whatever needed to be corrected or even serve as a sparing partner presenting another view of the same matter for the sake of an argument.

A person might also inclined to be truthful about what ever it is that in his mind and voice it out accordingly without slight hesitation or grain of salt for there is no need to deceive a phantom audience. One has not need to be tactful when one is alone.

These combined values if exercised in public might result often than not in some social catastrophe or debacle for both parties involved. These forms of humiliations, I vowed to avoid for the sake of others rather than myself; for there is some truth in saying if one gets too much exposure from the same source, one sooner or later might cultivate some form of immunity. And immune I am; up to a certain degree. After all, solitary or not, I am still a mere human; capable of feelings no matter how little or distant and unimportant they may seem.

Pardon my nonsensical chatter. I just woke up and confused. I will leave it here.

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Daily Prompt

Here and Now

“Is human nature to believe that other places and other times are better than the here and now.”

― Brandon Sanderson

I was talking with my partner yesterday about future plans, what we are going to do with our lives, how we can achieve our goals, realize our expectations and dreams, get out of the rat race and be more or less self-sufficient. We both feel that we got stuck in this life somehow by not utilizing our full potentials to accomplish what we set out to do and ultimately succeed. We want to move forward, be somewhere else, someone else. We are hunger for a change, new destinations, another way of living, novel horizons. We are frustrated and disappointed with the current, we want out.

Our brain storming went on whole day till past midnight without definite result. No concrete plans. We are still stuck in the here and now. The problems remains. The options still the same. We lost a day and half a night discussing, we forget to take our daily walk, take advantage of the last remaining day of summer and enjoy the sunshine. We forget it was Sunday, the only day in the week that we can fully relax and be together. We got caught up thinking about the future we completely lost track of the present.

It is like that everyday of our lives lately. We just go on with the motion of living without appreciating what we have at this moment. We are so focus on change we forget to live in the here and now. We look for alternatives, hating them and calling them surrogates which only added to our dismay which in turn affect our relationship and day to day existence. We lost the capacity to savour what there is, enjoy little things, appreciate small blessings like nice house, nice car, nice food and each other.

There is no wrong in working hard to better yourself. It is not a crime to dream, aspire and work for the future. There is no shame in wanting to be self-sufficient or getting out of the rat race, chasing new destinations and novel horizons. But it is a pity that by doing so we forget the here and now. we forget living and enjoying the present. Cheating ourselves of today-We stuck on tomorrow, and today trickles away like water down a drain. We wake up the next morning and that today that we wasted is gone forever. It’s now yesterday- they say happiness is achieved when you stop waiting for your life to begin and start making the most of the moment you are in. That Now is the only time we have, and the only time we have any control over. But we easily forget these and failed miserably to apply it in day to day basis, always looking for better destinations and greener pasture. 

I’m guilty of the offense. Life is what happens out there while we are busy theorizing our very own existence. We can still plan and dream, work hard but at the same time making the most of the present, relishing the moment. Carpe Diem and take one day at a time, one step at a time without constantly worrying about the future. It is easier said than done but there is no harm in trying. I don’t know about you but I will certainly do my best. Let’s start here and now.

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Slog

Sum up what I’m doing with my life for over a decade now_ slogging_without so much result. No sign of light at the end of the tunnel. My fault probably. For sure. They say life is what we make of it and your fate is in your own hands and all that jazz but why it feels like there is some undercurrent working against every step I make? Well… What is left to do when the only choice is to keep on plodding unless you want out. Isn’t it what this life is all about? Keep on toiling till you drop?

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Come Up To The Attic

Come up to the attic, come one and come all.

Climb the steep ladder, its right down the hall.

I promise, I’ll hold your hand, and you won’t fall.

Come up and play with the rest of the dolls.

 

Come sweet little “precious”, your new journey’s begun.

But, darling, don’t cry, the mascara will run.

Come up to the attic, we’ll play dress up sweet angels.

Don the brightest of pearls ‘round little necks that’ll strangle.

 

Wrap ‘round slender waists flowing sashes that’ll mangle.

Fluffy boas ‘round bodies that’ll clutch if not handled

Prance streets with bright costumes, dirty school girls to nuns.

Please, darling, don’t cry, the mascara will run.

 

Come up to the attic, don the make-up of time.

Cover up with blue shadow those heavy eye lines

Replace blotches with blushes, bruises hidden, skin fine.

Bruised lips ‘placed with red ‘stick, stash borrowed from mine.

 

New look beheld by dank alleys hidden from sun.

Oh, darling, don’t cry, the mascara will run.

Come up to the attic, and play romance games, honey

With grown men that give gifts of sedative candy

 

Bring you to rose-petal rooms with lights that are dimming

And lay you on holy mattresses that are ever so comfy

Now, just lie there pumpkin, let the men have their fun

No, darling, don’t cry, the mascara will run.

 

Come up the attic, and play with sharp things.

Poke ourselves with needles. For a moment they’ll sting.

Make you shake, make you tremble, make your ears ring.

Shoots down your spine, make your bones rattle and sing

 

Then dance for more in the streets from Monday to Sun.

Hell, darling don’t cry, the mascara will run.

Now come down to my basement, and see what’s in store.

See angels fall from flight, to scratch the blisters that sore.

 

See the doves turn to crows, into scavenging whores

See pumpkins turn ill and rotten, fall dead on the floor.

See the dolls wander aimless for futures so bleak.

And I turn away while mascara runs down on porcelain cheeks…

 

~ found poetry

49

How To Love An Otherworldly Girl

Author: Alex Myles

An otherworldly girl will mystify you beyond anything your mind could ever hope to comprehend.

You will never fully understand her. It is probably easier not to try. Instead, if you love her, allow her to exist exactly as she is without any expectation, projection or superficial desire.

To know how to love her entirely, you only need to get to know her heart. Close your eyes, inhale the warmth of the radiant glow emanating from her, and you will start to feel how to love with an intensity that hits the heart as hard as the loudest drumbeat as it vibrates through the longest and loneliest midsummer night.

 She doesn’t need your approval. And she won’t need you to see what she sees, love what she loves or to walk by her side to the enchanted places she roams to carefree and with reckless abandon. But if you do, be prepared for mystery, madness and magic to appear.

For this girl lives in the land of the ethereal. Everything there leaves a trail of stardust, and if you follow the glittering tracks you will notice sprinklings of signs, serendipitous, synchronicities and suggestions that tease you and lead you to discover the kind of reality you only ever thought would be found within a vivid, unfiltered and wild mind.

This otherworldly girl does not treasure handbags, diamonds or gold. The jewels she collects are the seashells, stones, crystals and other high vibrational tokens the planet has kindly scattered along beaches, mountaintops and paths that run alongside restless, flowing lakes. These precious gems are then worn around her wrists, placed in pockets or arranged on bedside tables to ground and remind her that this earth is just a temporary yet beloved home to adventure in and explore.

She is all about soul resonation. If your heart-centered energy resonates with hers, your presence in her life will need no justification, and you will bond with such force and strength that eternity would never dare to challenge the union.

This girl will rock and distract you. When you meet her you will stumble down a bottomless rabbit hole, and as you free fall your life will unravel one layer at a time, and you will instantly begin to see through kaleidoscope lenses, but only if you are ready to believe.

You see…this world is not quite as you see it now.

Everything is only how it seems because you think of it as appearing in a certain way. This rare otherworldly mesmerizing creature that you are growing to love is going to tear down those veils one by one. She will terrify and soothe you all at once simply by whispering a single, poetic, softly spoken word. To perceive as she does is not for the faint or guarded-hearted. And although she is sensitive and vulnerable, she is also the center of a life-changing storm more powerful than any desert has witnessed.

Do not underestimate her. For many have tried to pull her surreal existence apart as they have not understood it. They have feared the tornadoes that spin through her veins, and they have attempted to calm the chaos that keeps her wide-eyed, fueled and alluringly alive. Although they find her uniqueness irresistible, and they wanted a taste of this world she has created, the barriers in their mind caused such resistance that they failed to capture the bewitching charm that their soul longed.

She is a curious, timeless, sentimental, sensitive, infinite being. An old wise intuitive soul and a bewildered, mischievous, wounded child mixed into one, and she finds home in the hearts of all that she loves. Although she wanders, alone and free, she knows exactly which compass to follow. She relies on internal navigation and although it has led her into battle, it has never failed to lead her back out and toward the beauty of greener land.

If you feel an inexplicable, intimate, profound, spellbinding connection—almost as though you have known her before—it is likely because you have. You are eternal and will likely have crossed one another’s paths while traversing some distant realm.

You may think she is rebellious, unchartered and possibly even puzzling and peculiar, but if you observe how she moves, you will see that she is fluidly flowing with nature—and while she defies society and logic, it is with grace and without intention. Instead, she courageously steps in time to the pulse of the universe’s heartbeat, fearlessly breaking down false paradigms and taking down the walls of separation that generations before her had built.

She is immense joy and the deepest sorrow, with maximum measures of pleasure and pain. However, neither the darkness nor the light entices her to dance; she just twirls and spins without demands. She is a magnificent wonder that cannot be named, defined or pinned down. With unshakable determination there is nothing and no one that can hold, bind or harness her.

This girl may seem as though her life is dreamlike and as though it is an imaginative adventure of fantasy and far-fetched tales. And while this perception may hold some truth, when you look a little closer you will see that her magical mind is born from a raw reality. She sees with eyes that know no limits and feels with a heart that knows nothing of boundaries that divide one from another.

If you only want to love this extraordinary girl in the way you love the ocean when it is still, predictable and safe, then I advise you to step away. Her otherworldliness is more than that, and she will ruin and destroy that image you have prettily painted in your mind. She will unknowingly walk barefoot all over those idealized images of what you want her to be, and she will fly past the pedestals and unrealistic desires that attempt to quell her. She won’t glance back, and the girl who is not lost will be lost to you as she continues into the wilderness where she will remain unhandled and untamed.

If you want to own her, then please my friend, listen carefully; she doesn’t belong here, so it is impossible to claim and attempt to chain her. Romance her, love her intensely and with passion, and adore her whichever way you know how, but cherish her and let her be in all her wondrous glory. If you can’t—although it might hurt—let her go. She will never be happy to be trapped.

An open heart and freedom is all that she asks. If you want to love her, then love her openly, love her freely.

30. Wings by Amanda Soper

The Honest Musing

Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I barely recognise myself. I run my fingers across my face, and it feels like I am touching a stranger.

On some nights, sadness envelopes in ways that I feel myself melting away, little by little. I have said things that I never thought I would, and I have done things that I never thought I would.

No matter what all the fucked up, popular quotes say, I don’t believe that anyone ever finds themselves entirely. I don’t think anyone ever will ever make sense of everything that is inside them.

And as scary and terrible it sounds, I think that’s part of the beauty. I think that’s part of the magic.

We are all shores, and we all change every time the ocean of life touches us, no matter how briefly. Maybe we are not the destination; perhaps we are the roads which go endlessly changing with time.

Maybe it is not about finding yourself. Maybe it is about being a mosaic of too many beautiful moments coupled with a devastating melancholy and the tragic sense of nostalgia.

-found treasure

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