Transformation is a process, and as life happens there are tons of ups and downs. It’s a journey of discovery – there are moments on mountaintops and moments in deep valleys of despair. 

I am going through a process of life-changing transformation since I’ve been diagnosed with auto-immune disease few years ago. You can read the details here.  I rarely talk about it. Not even to my nearest and dearest. I don’t want to talk about it. Not even when the reality is staring me right in the face. No, I am not in denial. I long past that stage. I just don’t want to concentrate on it. I rather focus on the positive side of things. Make the most of what I still have and can do instead of what I cannot do. My options are limited and keeps getting narrower by the day but I still refuse to give up.

Okay, I can’t hike 25 km anymore, but a four km evening walk will also do. The pain keeps me from sleeping so, I write instead. Good exercise for my slowly rotting brain. I still garden but not intensive. Only when I feel I’m up to it. I can’t work for a company anymore. My condition is so volatile to adapt to a normal working schedule so, we set up our own small design and technology company and try our best to get if off the ground. Life is not easy. Never been. I’m used to that. But I am far from resigning. I recently published my first E-book  And there are five more on the line.

Maybe nobody would buy them. But what counts for me is the fact that I did it and it’s out there. In between, I’m busy writing my memoirs and another novel I am planning to finish before my brain will fully deteriorate. I can still enjoy loads of things, like golden hour, reflections of something on the water, the colors of flowers, droplets of rain on their petals; rainbow, birds in my backyard, architecture, smiles of strangers and random kindness.

I will continue pushing my boundaries despite of obstacles. It is better to be out there fighting than sit and wait for the inevitable to happen. Not every day is roses and moonshines. In fact, seldom. But those little wonderful moments when I can think clearly and feel passionately I’m holding on and use as my anchor to keep me grounded and strong when  the tide is fierce and there is storm looming in the horizon. Not so many people would understand. Especially when I show no weakness. Playing a victim will never be my forte. I don’t want understanding or compassion. Those are tricky to get anyway. Genuine ones I mean. I just want to continue minding my life the way I see fit. Without prejudices, without judgment from others.



That’s me. A hobbit. I’m so little that my flowers are taller than me. They are Digitalis Purpurea. Better known as Common Foxglove. I love them. Bees love them. A great additional structure in the border. A biennial highly toxic plant that contains digitalin, an extract use for the treatment of heart condition. Easy to propagate from seeds. You can either collect them or let them self-seed. I prefer the latter. I can always transplant them later on if desired.   



What is real these days? Almost nothing. Even food are genetically modified. God knows what else… Seldom a relationship or a marriage of today lasts. Friendships are based on favors, popularity, status, material things and personal gain. Even looks and body parts of attractive people are mostly store bought or medically enhanced if not totally altered. You can even have designer babies (a baby that is the result of genetic screening or genetic modification) how creepy is that? Ever heard of artificial intelligence? And love… we don’t even have to go there. It is universally understood.

We live in a society where everything is questionable. Real in every aspect is fast becoming a thing of the past. You cannot trust anyone or anything. But it seems the majority prefer it judging by/from the rise and popularity of social media where virtual reality is the reality for most people and everyone can create and project their own realities to the world that swallow it without complain and almost no resistance and often idolized for all the wrong reasons and set it as benchmarks for their own success and failures. 

The more time we spend interconnected via a myriad of devices, the less time we have left to develop true relationships in the real world. But most people nowadays don’t have time for real. Yet they have plenty to spare sitting in front of the computer investing efforts building legions of fake friends, artificial existence and virtual connection. All for the sake of synthetic applause and false recognition. Everything to make oneself big and feeling great even though it is only imitation. 

I know, I know… To each his own, whatever floats your boat and different strokes for different folks; but can’t we not have it for real? If we are willing to pour so much time, effort and hard work into a make-believe existence, we can surely do the same amount of labor in reality. No? 

It is so much more rewarding experiencing all these wonderful things in real life where everything is almost tangible. Where body language and (facial) expressions are essentials part of communication instead of symbols and emoticons. Where feelings and touches are undeniably authentic. So is the appreciations and warmth you get from real friends and loved ones. Nothing can beats a hug, a meaningful glance, a genuine smile and passionate/tender kisses. We have to preserve these (treasures) gestures in our culture. We have to try to keep things real.


Mixing Media

Someone once asked me:


I said:


And I added for a good measure:



Labels are for filing. Labels are for clothing. Labels are not for people.

-Martina Navratilova


Which reminds me of what Juliet said to Romeo on that fateful night. You know…

“What’s in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.”

But for the sake of an argument let’s mess up things a bit…

I read in a book once that a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, but I’ve never been able to believe it. I don’t believe a rose WOULD be as nice if it was called a thistle or a skunk cabbage. 

― L.M. Montgomery

Just because we associated them names first with other things. If we reverse the order…

Anyway, in the end…


Discover WP


I have always, essentially, been waiting. Waiting to become something else, waiting to be that person I always thought I was on the verge of becoming, waiting for that life I thought I would have. In my head, I was always one step away. In high school, I was biding my time until I could become the college version of myself, the one my mind could see so clearly. In college, the post-college “adult” person was always looming in front of me, smarter, stronger, more organized. Then the married person, then the person I’d become when we have kids. For twenty years, literally, I have waited to become the thin version of myself, because that’s when life will really begin.

And through all that waiting, here I am. My life is passing, day by day, and I am waiting for it to start. I am waiting for that time, that person, that event when my life will finally begin.

I love movies about “The Big Moment” – the game or the performance or the wedding day or the record deal, the stories that split time with that key event, and everything is re-framed, before it and after it, because it has changed everything. I have always wanted this movie-worthy event, something that will change everything and grab me out of this waiting game into the whirlwind in front of me. I cry and cry at these movies, because I am still waiting for my own big moment. I had visions of life as an adventure, a thing to be celebrated and experienced, but all I was doing was going to work and coming home, and that wasn’t what it looked like in the movies.

John Lennon once said, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” For me, life is what was happening while I was busy waiting for my big moment. I was ready for it and believed that the rest of my life would fade into the background, and that my big moment would carry me through life like a lifeboat.

The Big Moment, unfortunately, is an urban myth. Some people have them, in a sense, when they win the Heisman or become the next American Idol. But even that football player or that singer is living a life made up of more than that one moment. Life is a collection of a million, billion moments, tiny little moments and choices, like a handful of luminous, glowing pearl. It takes so much time, and so much work, and those beads and moments are so small, and so much less fabulous and dramatic than the movies.

But this is what I’m finding, in glimpses and flashes: this is it. This is it, in the best possible way. That thing I’m waiting for, that adventure, that move-score-worthy experience unfolding gracefully. This is it. Normal, daily life ticking by on our streets and sidewalks, in our houses and apartments, in our beds and at our dinner tables, in our dreams and prayers and fights and secrets – this pedestrian life is the most precious thing any of us will ever experience. 

― Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life



We live in a time-crunched world, and just about everything we do seems to be urgent. -Joyce Meyer

Yes. That and a lot more. 

We need (urgently) to learn to really listen and communicate properly. Not just spitting words that hit no mark and designed to confuse, manipulate and deceive others.

We urgently need to sort out our priorities and prioritize those that really matters. Not only for personal gain but for the good of mankind and this world in general.

We urgently need to simplify our lives. People of today are becoming more and more materialistic with each passing second.

We have to start bringing back old fashion morals and values like respect and honesty. 

We urgently have to stop idolizing people for all the wrong reasons.

We urgently need to relax.

We’re losing the sight of our primary and original goal-that is to live, not merely exist. We’re so worried about the future, image, possessions that without knowing we become slaves of our own ambition.

We are so obsessed with youth and beauty we neglected the fact that the very thing we despise is our very own future staring us square in the face. Be kind to elderly, have patient, be tolerant, value them because it is only a matter of time before we arrive at the same station. How you want to be treated when the time comes? 

We urgently need to sit down, have some serious thinking, try to have a clear view where we are heading, what are the options? What we want to achieve? Is the end really justify the means? We are clearly heading for disaster-globally. We cannot deny anymore the facts. If we don’t do anything to alter our course immediately, then there is no future for mankind.

We urgently need to save this world. Believe you me.


Dying Candle

A candle dies out
Another one has failed
Emotions lost in doubt
The pain as if to be nailed
Those who have cheated
Those who have lied.

Only to be repeated
Not learning from what said
It can be again lit
But the chances are low
This failure brings a fit
Heart tangled like a bow.

Time has now passed
Lovers have come and gone
So many times harassed
Life lived as it comes.

True affection is faked
Pain from the lies
At the heart, claws rake
In the night, come the cries
So weak and alone

This is a sad goodbye.

Now near the end
They let out a moan
No reason to defend
One last feeling
The mind clouded with lust
No more gifts from above
No one left to trust.

The candle now rest
Smoke rise as remain
Pain in the breast
A flame now bane
All true were fake
Each pleasure, now forgot
They lay, no longer awake
Their body now rot.

The pain is over
False love was the cause
Their eyes, now sober
A sound of applause
The stage was set
A body, now lax
They lost the bet
Now dead, like the wax…

~found poetry


daily prompt

Radical Authenticity

“We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be.”

― May Sarton

It is easier said than done. It is extremely difficult to be authentic (and honest) in the world where falsehood and hypocrisy is highly rewarded (and more appreciated). I know this to be true. I came from humble beginnings (you know… Blessed -are -you -who -are -poor-for- yours- is -the -kingdom -of -God- bullshit) grew up in isolation surrounded by nature and only my siblings as companions. Like I said already before when one is only dealing with ones immediate family and one doesn’t have a phantom audience to impress and deceive or conform to social rules, one becomes fearlessly authentic and brutally honest but socially inept.

And what is socially adept means? It means being able to understand and play the majority’s politics and conform to society’s philosophy and ideology. It means pleasing everybody most of the time and trying to be well-liked. It means running with the herd, not rocking the boat, going with the flow, staying in line, wearing a mask (each for every occasion) and hiding your true self. That or committing social suicide and running the risk of being a pariah.

“When you’re socially awkward, you’re isolated more than usual, and when you’re isolated more than usual, your creativity is less compromised by what has already been said and done. All your hope in life starts to depend on your craft, so you try to perfect it. One reason I stay isolated more than the average person is to keep my creativity as fierce as possible. Being the odd one out may have its temporary disadvantages, but more importantly, it has its permanent advantages.”

― Criss Jami, Killosophy

I have my doubts about this above quote, though I want to believe it with all my heart and been practicing it since day one. Protect your originality, right? It’s okay if you don’t have to share your thoughts, your craft your work. But even famous introverted artists (think Emily Dickinson) has to suffer social interaction once in a while in order to be heard. We have to market our products, and for that we need audience. And before we can have the public listening, we need others who would/could help us to be out there and be known. Especially these days when a good marketing strategy can sell a mediocre merchandise (think of Fifty Shades Of Grey -just a personal humble opinion of mine) where glitter and glamour are more popular than ever (reality shows like Real Housewives) and social media can make (almost) anyone an instant celebrity (with the right approach). Being a real introvert in this day and age means drowning in the sea of anonymity. Nobody will knock on your door to see what you’ve got to offer unless you put yourself out there first. And that’s include a lot of hard work.

Practicing the above quote literally means being vulnerable and more susceptible to rejections which can lead to depressions and all sorts of things. (Think of Virginia Woolf and Sylvia Plath) When all your hope in life utterly depends on your craft and your sole purpose is to perfect it, there where it starts to become dangerously fatal. Balance is the key. It is okay to be introvert and perfectionist, but realize also that no man is an island. We all need help in some areas from time to time. Though I’m generous to a fault, it took me a long while to realize and accept that it is not a shame or a weakness to take and receive aid myself. I still have difficulties asking for assistance but I’m getting there. Like Gendry said (GOT)  If you need help bark like a dog. Just kidding.

“Highly sensitive people are too often perceived as weaklings or damaged goods. To feel intensely is not a symptom of weakness, it is the trademark of the truly alive and compassionate. It is not the empath who is broken, it is society that has become dysfunctional and emotionally disabled. There is no shame in expressing your authentic feelings. Those who are at times described as being a ‘hot mess’ or having ‘too many issues’ are the very fabric of what keeps the dream alive for a more caring, humane world. Never be ashamed to let your tears shine a light in this world.”

― Anthon St. Maarten

Expressing authentic feelings and letting your tears shine a light in this world is the fastest way to isolation and being a social pariah . Nobody wants to know your trouble and woes believe me. When people ask ‘How are you?’ they are just being polite. They expect the customary answer of : Yes I’m fine, how are you, how’s your family the weather, the dog, your job, etc. Imagine when you tell them the truth. Like: 

“Ah, I don’t feel fine, not for a long time already, in fact since I was born. You see I hate this freaking life. The only reason why I don’t say goodbye to this cruel world (actually it’s not the world that is cruel for this is a wonderful, beautiful world full of gorgeous scenery) is because I am a catholic and even though I doubt the existence of heaven and hell deep down inside I still believe in the possibilities that those places really exist you never know and I don’t want to be punished for taking my own life for I suffered already enough in this one I don’t want to suffer again where I’m going. And my family… you asked about my family? Well, they are lying, thieving bunch of no good who will betray each other including me, mostly me in order to get what they want. Not what they deserved but what they want it doesn’t matter if it’s not theirs to take.”

And you go on and on about why it is that you are not feeling fine. I guarantee you they will never going to ask you ever again: How are you? And be sure the next time you encounter them, they will avoid you like a pest.

It is the nature of people to expect good things to be enamoured of beautiful, ideal, shining, fairy tale-like existence and I cannot blame them. In this world where chaos, cruelty and violence (among so many ugly realities of life) are omnipresent, it is forgivable to want to deceive ourselves with superficial beauty. It is not a crime (it is in fact highly recommended-how could we otherwise survive) to be positive, optimistic, hopeful, believe in something even if it is only  a make-believe.

“A lot of the conflict you have in your life exists simply because you’re not living in alignment; you’re not be being true to yourself. Live authentically. Why would you continue to compromise something that’s beautiful to create something that is fake?”

― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

People learned to lie, to deceive and be fake because they want to be accepted; they want to belong, to be connected, to be happy and to live in peace. Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable and outcast. Nobody wants to be left out so most seek the ‘easy way.’ They pretend to be always okay, always strong, always happy, staying in line projecting everything that is glorious and positive because people are attracted (jealous, envious) to everything glamorous and idyllic. Look at the example of social media. Those who have legions of followers are the ones who seem to be leading exciting lives which often means beauty and wealth equals fame. Once you have the popularity you can afford to be eccentric and whatever image you want to project to the public. But not before.

Having said that, personally I would not want to( ex)change myself into somebody else I am not even if it means being more popular and widely accepted. I am one of those people who thrive in solitude and don’t mind being alone. Granted, it could be difficult sometimes (in fact, most of the time) it is hard to be misunderstood, to be honest and authentic, to speak your mind, stay true to yourself and stick to your principles all the time. You cannot be all that and be truly happy. I’m happy with myself but people can make me sad with their social norms and protocols, their demands and expectations. Their fear of the unusual and unknown, their avoidance of truth and their narrow-mindedness. But still, I will not have it otherwise. 

I believe that so long as you are true to the best that is in you, everything will eventually find its proper place.

What it means to be authentic:

– to be more concerned with truth than opinions
– to be sincere and not pretend
– to be free from hypocrisy: “walk your talk”
– to know who you are and to be that person
– to not fear others seeing your vulnerabilities
– being confident to walk away from situations where you can’t be yourself
– being awake to your own feelings
– being free from others’ opinions of you
– accepting and loving yourself”

― Sue Fitzmaurice


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