“Not until we are lost we begin to understand ourselves.”
(Henry David Thoreau)
Lately, I seem finding myself always on crossroads.
No doubt, at some point in my life like everyone else, I have been there at least couple of times. But I must have forgotten it or didn’t think much about the situation. When one is young(er) one doesn’t stop much on one’s track to contemplate about life in general. We just get up and dust ourselves after numerous falls and go on and on. It goes hand and hand with the feeling of being immortal when one thinks that time is on one’s side.
Ironically, we do realize that we are living on borrowed time when it’s almost too late. Only then we experience this kind of haste, wanting to cramp everything we want to do in so little time left. Most of them quite hard if not impossible with our newly acquired advanced state. Not Unlike when packing a suitcase and wanting to get all that extra stuff inside we even sit, stand jump on top of the valise just to be able to close and zip the damn thing.
There were so many things happened in my life. Most of them I am not able to place or digest yet. And there are still some sure changes yet to come which I am trying to be prepared while struggling to work with what is happening now. Lately, I am having difficulty dealing with uncertainty. I know, life is never certain and it never used to bother me before. In fact, I once view it as exciting. Easy to do when one has nothing to lose and everything to gain. But once you reached a certain point in your life when you value everything you work for and know for a fact that starting all over again is quite pointless because some constituents render that choice impossible, then fear sits in.
I’m good in talking to myself. Pep myself into all sorts of positive mind frames just to get by. I know what I can and what I want. Always been. But some choices I have made couple with natural elements of life (I wonder if they call it destiny or fate) put me in a situation I am not supposed to be right now. And that for the first time ever, I have difficulties dealing with.
All of my life I was busy surviving I never stop on my track to attend to my emotional needs. I never question the why; never blame anyone for whatever is happening. Never take time for self-pity or anger. I just go on and on and on to deal with what life decided to throw at me. Perhaps that was my saving grace, because I never been bitter or vindictive. And that is still what I am doing right now, surviving. But lately, I’m beginning to experience some kind of fatigue, both mentally and physically. I begin to question the whys and hows of everything. Suddenly, I don’t want to just go on anymore as before, I want to stop on my tracks and attend to my emotional physical and psychological needs first instead of dealing with practical problems like always.
I want to have (real) possibilities, not always having to choose between two evils, I want the chances I never had, I want better options, I want opportunities to be who and what I want to be in an environment best suited for my current needs. I want to put myself first above anyone and anything for once.
I want to spend whatever precious time I have left to do whatever pleases me and allow myself to think about my situation. I want to face the naked truth. The complete unembellished version I always trying to avoid for the fear of crumbling down. For once, I want to be weak. Admit that I can’t always talk myself into pretending I’m okay. Everything is okay, when they are not.
I want to feel secure with the knowledge that I can let go without causing the ship to sink, resulting in chaos that would resonate and affect my existence for years to come, whatever left of it. At this point in my life, I supposed to be secure, settled and resting, enjoying the fruit of my hard labor; but as it is… it feels (and it is) like starting over again with all the consequences of being a beginner at the starting point of this existence we all called life…