Tag Archives: solitude

The Morning After I Killed Myself

I woke up.

I made myself breakfast in bed. I added salt and pepper to my eggs and used my toast for a cheese and bacon sandwich. I squeezed a grapefruit into a juice glass. I scraped the ashes from the frying pan and rinsed the butter off the counter. I washed the dishes and folded the towels.

The morning after I killed myself, I fell in love. Not with the boy down the street or the middle school principal. Not with the everyday jogger or the grocer who always left the avocados out of the bag. I fell in love with my mother and the way she sat on the floor of my room holding each rock from my collection in her palms until they grew dark with sweat. I fell in love with my father down at the river as he placed my note into a bottle and sent it into the current. With my brother who once believed in unicorns but who now sat in his desk at school trying desperately to believe I still existed.

The morning after I killed myself, I walked the dog. I watched the way her tail twitched when a bird flew by or how her pace quickened at the sight of a cat. I saw the empty space in her eyes when she reached a stick and turned around to greet me so we could play catch but saw nothing but sky in my place. I stood by as strangers stroked her muzzle and she wilted beneath their touch like she did once for mine.

The morning after I killed myself, I went back to the neighbors’ yard where I left my footprints in concrete as a two-year-old and examined how they were already fading. I picked a few daylilies and pulled a few weeds and watched the elderly woman through her window as she read the paper with the news of my death. I saw her husband spit tobacco into the kitchen sink and bring her her daily medication.

The morning after I killed myself, I watched the sun come up. Each orange tree opened like a hand and the kid down the street pointed out a single red cloud to his mother.

The morning after I killed myself, I went back to that body in the morgue and tried to talk some sense into her. I told her about the avocados and the stepping stones, the river, and her parents. I told her about the sunsets and the dog and the beach.

The morning after I killed myself, I tried to unkill myself, but couldn’t finish what I started.

—Meggie Royer

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And Yet

A wonderful fact to reflect upon, that every human creature is constituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other.

— Charles Dickens (A Tale of Two Cities)

And yet people seem to always know you. In fact, in places where people have ample times in their hands, they seem to know more about your life than you do. They create far-fetched stories about faraway places they never been and put you in the middle of their fantasy. The funny thing is others tend to believe them. Great minds think alike indeed.

Reminds me of something I’ve read somewhere that goes like this:

Gossip can have devastating consequences. We tend to have a strong negativity bias: Almost all of us pay more attention to negative information than we do to positive information. Think about the last time you posted something to Facebook, for example, and got a string of enthusiastic comments followed by a single, stinging rebuke. Which comment did you focus on?

It’s true, isn’t it?

We always tend to see the single black dot on a paper and focus on it but we forget the vast whiteness of the paper surrounding the black spot.

People love to believe fat juicy lies than the simple truth especially if it is about someone they are secretly jealous of or envious of the life that someone is leading. They will gladly swallow anything that can damage their perfect perception of you and your life. It makes them feel better about themselves. Justifying somehow their insecurities and personal issues. Often than not those sort of people will happily feed the fire till there is nothing left anymore of whatever the truth might have been. I have fallen victim of this sort of gossips so many times I lost count already the number of times people have spin gory tales about me. Mind you, my unconventional behavior and nonchalant attitude towards rumors didn’t help much with their already wrong impression of me and once upon a time I couldn’t care less.

They can say whatever they want as long as it doesn’t interfere with my agenda. But you cannot be in the middle of someone’s concept and be invisible. Sooner or later hell will break loose and often times the leading character is the only casualty because it is easier to hit a single target than multiple ones. Safety by numbers and the majority always win.  Fortunately, their movies are not my reality. Unfortunately, like one of those sci-fi movies, when you get hurt or die in virtual reality you die in real life too, the consequences can travel through time and dimensions and even if you don’t die the scars are deep it shows.

You know what they say:

It’s difficult to be the subject of a negative rumor, particularly one that has no basis in reality.

And even if:

You can’t always control what other people say about you, but you can control how you respond—and you can be resilient…

You are only human. You are not invincible. Everybody has limits and sooner or later you will reach your saturation point. And once you’re there you can only do a couple of things:

Wage a war against those who are set to harm you  (which in Dutch is equivalent to “dweilen met de kraan open.” Literally translated: Mopping the floor with the tap wide open meaning: ‘Bailing out a sinking ship.’)

Change your ways and conform. (Yeah, follow the heard and be a copy of the majority. Die before you’re dead.)

Or be a Hermit like me.

Which one it is?

Make your choice and let me know.

 

Depression

In a strange way, I had fallen in love with my depression. I loved it because it was all I had. I thought depression was the part of my character that made me worthwhile. I thought so little of myself, felt that I had such scant offerings to give to the world, that the one thing that justified my existence at all was my pain.

— Elizabeth Wurtze

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Another Milestone

I realized something the other day while I was looking at my growing collection of succulents; I’m enjoying being on my own.

I know I told you already that I am a loner and prefer solitude than being in a crowd but there is some difference; before, I crave to be among people I have nothing to do with. I love to meet new acquaintances – preferably in far away places so I can run away if it becomes too much and strangers become too close – I love talking to random people, exchanging ideas and watching them doing their things as long as they don’t follow me home and insist to be my friends. Before, I resented being isolated. I was constantly homesick. I wanted to experience again the life I had before; the fun, the chase, the adventures, the thrill of discovering new people, new places and new things. I hated being settled, peaceful, grounded and (more or less) secure. To me it was boring, unimaginative, dead.

I still enjoy meeting people and going places and discovering new things but it is not a must anymore. At the end of the day, I am happy to be home. In fact, lately, while exploring new frontiers, at the back of my mind, I can’t wait to go home. I can’t wait till I am again inside my four walls where I can be alone and peaceful and safe. Safe from expectations, safe from demands, away from the prying eyes and prejudiced judgmental people. I can be whoever I want to be no one will force me.

Before, I charge my battery somewhere, the more peculiar, weird, bizarre, the better. These days home is where I recuperate and I get my fix from peace and quiet and safety my place offers. I don’t want complicated situations anymore. No more dramas, no more unnecessary commitments, no more pretending, no more catering to what society expects.

Today I realized another thing: I don’t have the urge anymore to control things. 

Before, I want everything the way it supposed to be, in my head. I got into a panic when things are not in their proper place and things don’t happen the way I expect and my weight is not 46 kilos. The moment the scale shows one or two gram more I will get so nervous I will go into crash diet and see to it that my weight is back on track within three weeks.

Now, I am 10 kilos heavier and have love handles all over the place but I can stand it. I don’t get agitated anymore when there is a glass on the kitchen counter or a cup somewhere in the living room and there are clothes that have to be ironed in bed. Mind you the glasses and cups and clothes will not be there for long, but they can stay there for a few hours till I find the time and urge to remove them. I can go out now without straightening everything till my house is picture perfect. In short, I’m learning to let go.

I’m learning to let go of my paranoia as well. I can stand open windows now, doors too. Dark days don’t make me think of everything evil and I can take a bath now when I’m home alone and even dare to go into my dressing without locking anything that could be locked. The knife I still keep but I forget it’s there sometimes. I take it as a positive sign and continuing improvement of my mental health.

I don’t know if I’m really getting better or would really get better or I just resigned to my situation. Could be also that I’m just getting old and tired and lost my appetite for anything that rock my already shaky constitution and learning the value of restful and quiet uncomplicated existence.

Who knows…

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Somewhere In Between

I sit beside the fire and think 
Of all that I have seen
Of meadow flowers and butterflies
In summers that have been

Of yellow leaves and gossamer
In autumns that there were
With morning mist and silver sun
And wind upon my hair

I sit beside the fire and think
Of how the world will be
When winter comes without a spring 
That I shall ever see

For still there are so many things
That I have never seen
In every wood in every spring
There is a different green

I sit beside the fire and think
Of people long ago
And people that will see a world
That I shall never know

But all the while I sit and think
Of times there were before
I listen for returning feet 
And voices at the door. 

― J.R.R. Tolkien

 

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110+ Pain of Depression

1. “Depression is a battle between a body that fights with all its might to survive and a mind that wants to die.”

2. “People ask me what depression is like. I tell them it’s a lot like walking down a dark hallway, never really knowing when the light turn goes on.”

3. “Remember this: You weren’t put here to be depressed. To feel guilty, ashamed, unworthy or condemned. You were put here to be victorious.”

4. “I honestly don’t know what I want in life. I don’t even know what I want right now. All I know is that it hurts so much inside, and it’s eating me alive. One day, there won’t be anything left of me.”

5. “I honestly don’t like getting close to people. In my mind, they’re just going to walk out of my life anyway no matter how close we were.”

6. “Depression is an overwhelming feeling of numbness, and the endless desire for something – anything – to take you from one day to the next.”

7. “I smile to make everyone’s day, but the truth is that I’m crying on the inside.”

8. “I hate feeling like I’m here, but I’m really not; like someone cares, but they really don’t; like I belong anywhere but here.”

9. “Sometimes, you just need that one person to tell you that you aren’t as bad as you think you are.”

10. “Depression makes you feel like you want to just disappear from the world, but in reality, all you truly want is to be found.”

11. “I really wish that I could go back to a time when I would smile, and it didn’t take every fiber of my being to do it.”

12. “In my mind, depression is comparing your current reality to a fantasy about how you think your life should really be.”

13. “Sometimes, you just don’t know the true weight of what you’re carrying until the day you feel its release.”

14. “I just don’t want to hurt anymore. Is that so much to ask?”

15. “The very worst kind of sadness is the kind that doesn’t have an explanation.”

16. “When words can’t express the pain you’re feeling, you cry. That’s the heart’s way of expressing the pain.”

17. “You never want people to see you cry because you want to be strong. But you hate how nobody seems to notice that you’re completely broken and torn apart inside.”

18. “It’s hard to answer the question “what’s wrong?” when nothing is right.”

19. “Depression is that feeling when you’re not really sad – you just feel empty inside.”

20. “That’s the scary thing about depression: humans can survive just about anything as long as we can see the light at the end of the tunnel. But depression is sneaky and it continues to build up each day. Ultimately, it becomes impossible to see the light. The fog is like being trapped in a cage without a key.”

31. “Depression is like drowning and you can see everyone around you breathing.”

32. “I’m really tired of feeling hopeless and worthless. But above everything else, I’m just tired of being so tired.”

33. “My fingers text “I’m good”. My lips say “I’m okay”. My heart says “I’m shattered to pieces”.”

34. “Sometimes it’s better to be alone. That way, no one can hurt me.”

35. “I already know what it feels like to give up. Now, I want to see what it feels like not to.”

36. “Don’t ever allow your loneliness and pain to drive you into the arms of someone you know you shouldn’t be with.”

37. “I really want to be happy, but there’s something inside me that screams “you don’t deserve it!””

38. “This life was given to you because you’re strong enough to live it.”

39. “Flowers always grow back – even if someone stomps on them. So will I.”

40. “She’s just like the moon – part of her has always hidden away.”

41. “Sometimes, the sadness makes it hard to breathe. It gets hard to talk about your demons when they’re sitting on your lungs.”

42. “Depression, panic attacks and anxiety are not signs of being weak. They are signs that a person has been too strong for too long.”

43. “I am my own worst enemy. I’m the one who beats me up. I am the one who creates the monsters. I am the one who strips away my own confidence.”

44. “The bravest, strongest thing I ever did was continue on with my life even though I wanted to die.”

45. “I am stronger because I had to be. I am smarter because I’ve made mistakes. I am happier because I’ve been sad. I am wiser now because I’ve learned.”

46. “Depression is almost like a reverse nightmare. Instead of waking up from a nightmare and feeling relieved, I woke up into a nightmare.”

47. “I keep things inside because that’s the safest place to hide.”

48. “They never told me that monsters don’t actually sleep under your bed; they live in your mind.”

49. “How did I go from being a happy, care-free, laughing six-year-old to this?”

50. “Depression has a way of sneaking up on me when I think I’m flying high. It clips my wing, but not both because I will not let it take over every single piece of me.”

51. “I’m only now just learning how to smile. It’s really not as easy as it sounds.”

52. “I’m heartbroken and sad. I’m hurt and depressed. All I want to do is cry, but I don’t want to let this ruin my life.”

53. “Pain is emotional. Depression and fear are always in company with chronic hurting.”

61. “I think it’s time to stop keeping track of all my mistakes, and just forgive myself.”

62. “I don’t mind being alone. It’s the loneliness that I hate.”

63. “I hate it when I get flashbacks of things I don’t want to remember.”

64. “Sometimes, this overwhelming feeling of sadness just washes over me out of nowhere. I get upset and I feel discouraged. I feel sad, hurt and hopeless. I feel numb to the world.”

65. “People always comment on how sad and tired I look. Of course, I look sad and tired. I am sad and tired.”

66. “Why does it always seem like it’s raining down on me?”

67. “I think I’m just afraid to be happy. Every time I get too happy, something bad happens.”

68. “This is my heart. Do you know where I can get it fixed?”

69. “Please stop asking if I’m okay. I’m really tired of lying.”

70. “Do you ever feel like the people of the world just forget you exist and still have feelings?”

71. “Someday, this pain will all make sense to you.”

72. “I’m pretty sure that no one else could ever criticize me as viciously as I criticize myself.”

73. “I feel like everyone else is busy living their lives while I’m stuck here inside of this hole I can’t climb out of.”

74. “My past is constantly haunting me, and I just can’t seem to figure out how to let it go.”

75. “I feel completely lost in my own mind. I bottle up my emotions until I burst. It’s a vicious cycle.”

76. “She could never really tell who would leave or stay, so she just pushed everyone away. It was much easier that way.”

77. “Although things may seem like they’re falling apart, they may actually be just falling into place.”

78. “Everyone is searching for that one person whose demons play nice with theirs.”

79. “The scars may have healed, but that doesn’t mean that the pain has.”

80. “To heal a wound, you have to stop touching it.”

81. “How do you run away from – escape – your own mind?”

82. “I can’t sleep at night. I can’t wake up in the morning either.”

83. “My life is a constant battle between wanting to be left alone, but not wanting to feel lonely.”

84. “When you’re depressed, sleep isn’t just sleeping; it’s an escape.”

85. “Sometimes, I’m really afraid to open up to my friends about my anxiety and sadness because they’ll think I’m just looking for attention.”

86. “Don’t think for a second that my bad days are a sign of weakness. Those are the days that I’m actually fighting the hardest.”

87. “I’ve reached a point where everything is incredibly overwhelming. Even the smallest of tasks make me feel like breaking down and crying my eyes out. It’s all just too much to bear right now.”

88. “I feel like, secretly, everyone around me hates me.”

89. “I always feel like everyone is prettier, funnier, skinnier, better than me.”

90. “Oh, there’s a hell. Trust me – I’ve been there.”

91. “You may smile, but you really want to cry. You may talk, but you really want to be silent. You pretend that you’re happy, but you really aren’t.”

92. “When you’re depressed, you just keep going and going until you finally crash and break down about anything and everything.”

93. “Depression is a kind of tired that no amount of sleep in the world can fix.”

94. “I’m really not sure if I’m depressed. I mean, I’m not really sad. But late at night when I’m alone, I just forget how to feel.”

95. “There are some days when I feel like I’m on top of the world. And then the next day, it’s falling down all around me.”

96. “I keep all the hurt and pain inside because I would rather have it destroy me than everyone else around me.”

97. “I think people really have a hard time understanding how stressful it can be to try and explain all the things going on in your head when you can’t even understand it yourself.”

98. “There are times when I feel like I’m getting better. I’ll eat normally. I’ll laugh more and talk more. I’ll sleep better. But then it’s like something happens – like a switch turns off in my mind. And all of sudden, I’m left with just the darkness of my mind.”

99. “You can’t change the things that are going on around you until you change the things that are going on within you.”

100. “I am just not me anymore. And that scares me.”

101. “I just never get my hopes up. That way, I can never be let down.”

102. “I’ve had people tell me that my depression is all in my head. But why would I ever want to feel this way?”

103. “When you feel like you’ve reached the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and keep holding on.”

104. “Sometimes, it’s the one person who tries to make everyone else happy that is the loneliest of all.”

105. “The strongest people in the world are not the ones who win battles in front of us, but the ones who win the battles we know nothing about.”

106. “You know that moment when you can physically feel the pain in your chest when something breaks your heart?”

107. “I think most people don’t realize that there are a lot of people out there who expend a tremendous amount of energy just trying to be normal.”

108. “I tend to be silent when I’m really screaming inside.”

109. “I knew who I was this morning, but since then, I’ve changed a few times.”

110. “Every person has their own secret sorrows that they hide from the world. Oftentimes, we call people cold when they’re just sad.”

111. “When I feel anxious, it’s because I’m living in the future. When I feel depressed, it’s because I’m still living in the past.”

112. “I’ve finally realized that I just have to accept things the way they are. Life gets much easier when you do this.”

113. “There are times when I just want to run away and see if anyone misses me.”

114. “I always compare myself to every person I see, and I lose every single time.”

115. “I know first-hand what it’s like to be completely terrified of your own mind.”

116. “Each day, you wake up just to fight the same demons that left you feeling utterly exhausted the day before.”

117. “Please – do not mock or poke fun at a pain that you’ve never personally endured.”

~via Awesoroo by David Gorkonel

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24/7

Some days, 24 hours is too much to stay put in, so I take the day hour by hour, moment by moment. I break the task, the challenge, the fear into small, bite-size pieces. I can handle a piece of fear, depression, anger, pain, sadness, loneliness, illness. I actually put my hands up to my face, one next to each eye, like blinders on a horse.

~Regina Brett

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Wednesday

Pull to refresh. Again and again. You’ve zero new notification, but you don’t know what to do now. So, there’s always Facebook – scroll away. Someone uploaded the photo of their food – like it. No, wait, heart it. Keep moving. Slowly. Steadily. Absorbing every irrelevant meme and information that’s been thrown in your direction.

Now, switch the app – go to Instagram. Scroll more. Explore. Did you get another DM? Check once more. Like random photos. Follow for follow. Look around. Is there anything worth capturing? Or just take a selfie. Try the new filters. You can make a Boomerang too – fake laugh for it, because the real one is any way rare these days.

Open the chat window. Type something. Backspace it. Delete. Send hi to 7 people, and then wait for their response. I know. I get it. We don’t know how else to deal with this gnawing loneliness. Talk with emoticons, because just words are no longer enough.

But there’s something more – do you feel it too? The anxiety, the pull of sadness, the sensation that something is off – but you just can’t pinpoint what. So, Google it. Search ‘how do I know if I am doing okay?’. Some 6946766668 results in less than 2.5 seconds. Open the first link, validate yourself: you’re fine. You don’t need to change. The world will adjust. You just keep slaying.

It’s 3 AM now. And you can’t sleep. Open incognito tab. Search for porn. Pick what you like. Masturbate while thinking about your ex. Wash your face and hope that this feeling of dread goes away, but it won’t. But it doesn’t. So, ask the Internet obscure things – am I depressed? Will I be fine? What’s the meaning of life? Why doesn’t 2+2 equal 5?

Close all the tabs. Lie on the bed. Turn and twist. Listen to something, but you just can’t fall asleep.

Open your phone again. Pull to refresh.

You’ve 1 new notification.

There. Do you feel any better?

-Hadik Nadar

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Static

… my life at the moment.

For the last fifteen years in fact.

Don’t get me wrong. I moved out four times during that time, renovated two properties from top to bottom, I went on vacation twice a year, published books, wrote a novel took my customary long walks, hiked found new hobbies learned new things and yet it is boring and sedentary compared to how my life was before.

I don’t know… maybe because for the first time in my life I am not alone anymore. Funny because for the first time in my life also, I have no friends, not even mates or acquaintances, no co-workers no neighbors (I am talking to) and for the first time in my life I’m faithful. Yet I’m not alone, I don’t travel alone, I don’t go to the shop alone, I don’t eat alone or sleep alone. He is always with me.

He is always with me that sometimes I want to run away. Go as far away from him as possible. Vocal and brutally honest I am I tell him sometimes exactly how I feel. I said: “You’re too present you’re choking me.” No answer.

I ask for divorce once in a while. He always said no. And we go on as before. Mind you, if he will say yes, I will sign the papers blindfolded. That’s how much I meant it. Why I am not pursuing the act? I’ve been there done that. It took me three years to get rid of my ex I don’t want to go through that road again.

And here I am, comfortably present but not living. Not the kind of life I want to lead. I am Sinbad of the Seven Seas, what am I doing in prison? I guess old age does that to people. Old age and chronic illness. Chronic illness and faithfulness. Faithfulness and love. Or is it care and gratitude. Care gratitude and guilt. The eagle has to land sometimes. Build an expensive nest full of designer things and eat beautiful food and drink expensive wine. Go on a cruise and drive a BMW. Why is it that I am not happy?

God, I’m becoming a cliché. I become one of those I vowed never to be. I can blame no one but me. Life is how you make it. Sometimes I rather live in a dump if I’m sure it is going to put back the smile I’ve lost on my face. I can think of thousand different things I rather do places I rather be. Jonathan Safran Foer once said:

“Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I’m not living.”

That’s exactly how I feel.

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Fraud

…that’s how I feel when someone gives me compliments and praises my abilities and achievements. I feel like a fraud, a pseudo, I don’t have so much belief in myself. I find that my capabilities are nothing to praise about. They are ordinary, common, anyone would be able to do them if they really want. I am not special, I am not unique. Most of the time I feel like a fake. What do you know, I can rhyme!  Even that is not noteworthy. Even children can do that. The easiest form of poetry I find. And haiku, they are easy to fabricate also. I’m sure you know the drill. What I’m talking about anyway. My life is the opposite of who and what I am. I’m masquerading through the days convincing myself that this is what I want even though my brain is shouting: “No, it’s not!” It’s for the best then I reason and on paper, and at first glance, it really is only it doesn’t feel that way and I find myself sinking deeper and deeper each day. Fading, till I am barely recognizable even to myself. Am I unhappy? What is that? First I have to know what happiness is before I can separate the two from each other. All I know is something doesn’t feel right. Like an itch that you cannot locate but it is definitely there somewhere and it’s driving you crazy. And there is this emptiness, a void that keeps getting bigger and bigger as the days, weeks, years pass by. My whole life is a fraud, not real, a fake, a pseudo of what I imagine or would like it to be. And I don’t know what to do to change that.

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Grainy

I feel like a fish out of water, a bird in the sea

But in the mirror is a girl who looks just like me

She goes through each day like she did before

Suddenly she just isn’t content anymore.

 

Each day is so fake, words are so hollow

She takes all this in, but it’s hard to swallow

Who is she, this girl that I see?

We look so alike, but how can this be?

 

I’m a horse in the city, a dog in a cage

A little girl in a body that’s three times my age

That’s not me in the mirror, no not at all

This girl hangs her head low, I held mine up tall.

 

How did I get so out of place

I want to look in the mirror and see my real face.

I want to hold my head high, I want to see;

There’s a girl looking back, but… she isn’t me.

 

(from a stranger I don’t recall the name)

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