Daily Prompt: Blush
Daily Prompt: Blush
‘The Art of Thought’
Describe four stages of creativity: preparation, incubation, illumination, and verification. Incubation means giving your thinking so far to your subconscious and then sitting back and waiting or better, giving the conscious mind something useful to do.
~ Graham Wallas
I always let myself be distracted by small details, the troubles that can fill any day, any week if you let them. I neglect to sit back and enjoy the overall experience. I keep thinking that once this and that is repaired and this is solved and that is explained, then I can sit back and relax, savor the air, the scent of roses. As if life were a garment that had to have every minute wrinkle ironed out of it, that had to be perfectly smooth before it could be worn. Knowing that nothing is ever perfectly smooth…
I believe that everyone is capable of doing violent acts if provoke.
Don’t you think so?
Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you. -Nathaniel Hawthorne
One morning, in 1817, Beethoven
realized that he’s now deaf. I can see him
sitting, almost crying, as he tries to
hear the sound of his piano keys.
When you ask me why don’t I trust people
more often, I tell you a story
about this man who killed his wife,
and then jumped from the Golden
bridge with his newborn child.
If human relations were a subject,
then I am the student who secretly
cries in the bathroom because he can’t
understand what the fuck is happening.
You think you know anxiety? Imagine
thousands of pebbles in your feet. Imagine
drinking a salty lake. Imagine starting
a forest fire that destroys the whole goddamn
town. I say I can’t handle love. It feels alien.
It feels like sleeping in a bed that’s not mine.
And you say, look at Beethoven — he composed
magical tunes even after turning deaf. What makes
you think you can’t overcome whatever the
hell this is? And I say you won’t get it,
because to you, believing comes easy.
Did you know Beethoven loved a woman,
but couldn’t marry her because she was rich?
So, he composed Moonlight Sonata wishing
someday she’ll give it a listen.
And I keep wasting ink writing
letters that you’ll never read.
I think Beethoven knew what I mean.
~ The Honest Musing
No words can put anything or anyone in the box attach a label to it and stay politically correct than typical. It’s a form of expression that is open to interpretation. Like saying everything and nothing. Nothing that can incriminate you in the court of law or anywhere and still pass judgment. Everyone can fill in the blank as they wish but nothing anyone can trace back to you because you actually said nothing. In just one word one can express one’s distaste and disapproval and a whole lot more, everyone will understand, no need to add more. If you say ‘typical’ it says all.
The life I have painstakingly stitched together from the fragments of ruins which is my heritage and the little I know of happiness are always been threaded with pain. Yes, I take momentarily pleasures, mostly from little things and enjoy moments but those are just little patches hiding the multitude of scars and bleeding wounds which is the fabric of my being…
What if I get a chance to restart my life what would I do differently?
I will be less naive and forgiving. I will avoid toxic people and will not let anyone abuse me in any way. I will pursue my chosen path career-wise or otherwise and will not succumb to the demand of my family to be their meal ticket. I will not get married and have children. I will travel the world and take better care of myself and will not sell myself short anymore. I will not buy myself a life sentence looking for my rainbow connection. And most of all I will try harder to learn to love myself before it’s too late.
That’s the word to describe everything that surrounds me these days. Let’s start with the weather. After it tricked the plants to sprout early and flowers to bloom outside the season, it decided to play a cruel joke of freezing them all back again. I wonder what spring will be like without the usual colorful arrays of the usual which signal the changes of season. Last year was bad enough when all of my spring flowers died before they even had a chance to open. I remember looking at my pergola laden from top to bottom with dead wisteria bloom. And my Hydrangea! I had to cut them to the ground, poor babies. Their leaves all turned brown after a few nights of freezing temperature. The last time I remember being this cold was 25- 30 years ago. It’s minus 17-21 degrees in the daytime for crying out loud. Could we still pretend global warming doesn’t exist?
And my fast declining health… that’s another dim prospect. Don’t worry I will not bore you with the details. Enough to say that between now and two years if it will not slow down I will be in a wheelchair. The only thing that keeps me standing still is sheer will. Most days I seriously considering to end it all because of unbearable pain. If I will not wake up one of these days preferably tomorrow, I will be grateful. That’s how bad it is.
And when your health is in jeopardy then everything is in question. It’s a snowball effect. A vicious circle. Your life as you know it will never be the same again. I’ve been through a lot from the moment I was born. Circumstances that most people will not even dare to imagine but I didn’t mind because I said to myself when the going gets tough that as long as I have myself and I’m more or less okay, I can crawl out from the deepest pit of hell and start all over again; which I did countless times but this time, how can I when I can’t even properly move. Not fair.
What else is dim in my life?
I am still not on speaking terms with my daughter. My son, I didn’t hear for quite some time now. I refuse to talk to my best friend of more than 30 years despite her pleas to see me. She sent me letters and cards, there were phone calls too but I don’t want to saddle her with my troubles. In fact, I don’t want to see people these days. I am still not ready to show them my current status. I’m too proud. I rather they think that I’m a bad person than take pity from anyone. I’m crazy that way.
The only light in my fast becoming dark cold world is D. He goes out to work in freezing temperature without complaining even though he doesn’t have enough sleep most nights because of massaging me for hours. He shops food after work, clean the house on weekends and provide me within his means everything I need and a lot more. He said yes to everything I decided to do no matter how strange it may sounds, put up with my irks and quirks and look at me lovingly even though I must be a picture of a nightmare. Thank God for little mercies. Only I don’t believe in God. Not anymore. Without D, my universe will not be dim but dark. Pitch dark and I have no means and strength to crawl out.
They say life throws challenges and every challenge comes with rainbows and lights to conquer it. But then again they also say:
All shadows of clouds the sun cannot hide
like the moon cannot stop oceanic tide;
but a hidden star can still be smiling
at night’s black spell on darkness, beguiling…
I think it’s enough for now. Till next time?
“Intuition goes before you, showing you the way. Emotion follows behind, to let you know when you go astray. Listen to your inner voice. It is the calling of your spiritual GPS system seeking to keep you on track towards your true destiny.”
― Anthon St. Maarten
How often do you ignore a dream, dismiss it as fantasy and then see echoes of the dream around you the following day? What if a dream were the forewarning of what will become your reality; if you are being told within the world of a dream what may occur in the near or distant future, but your mind mangles the truth and information so much that you discard it as fiction?
Hawking once said that maybe black holes
are nothing but portals to parallel
universes. And you once said that maybe
there’s no such thing as love, and everyone
keeps saying it just because they’re lonely.
If we jump into a black hole right now,
then everything will cease to exist for us.
There will be no you, and there will be
no me, but the earth will keep rotating.
And my Father will still wish that he knew
how to show love. But by then, we’ll be gone.
And in another realm, we’ll create castles
out of the sand, and there’ll be warm toasted
bread for breakfast. We will sing old songs,
and run around naked because in that world
there’s no one else. You’ll draw a portrait of
an angel kissing a sinner, and I’ll write on walls
about how God doesn’t even exist here.
But remember, there’s a catch. Once you
go through a wormhole, there’s no turning
back. Listen, are you sure about packing bags?
~Honest Musing via Facebook
Dale Carnegie once said:
“One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.”
“People tend to dwell more on negative things than on good things. So the mind then becomes obsessed with negative things, with judgments, guilt, and anxiety produced by thoughts about the future and so on.”
Said Eckhart Tolle.
People are never satisfied. When they get what they want, they want more, bigger, better things. The cliché the grass is always greener on the other side is not just a cliché. If we care to admit we all know that there is some truth, a lot of truth in that old saying. We never stop craving, wanting, fantasizing, obsessing for all the things we don’t have yet. We are convinced life would be better if we have what we are dreaming of. And those seem to be always out of reach because once we got it there will be something new to obsessed about. And those become our goals trying our very best to achieve the things we think we need while complaining about stress depression lack of time burnout and all those conditions that make it impossible to relax and have peace of mind.
What to do then?
Continue as it is. Why? Because no matter what I or anybody would say, people will go on living their merry lives in their own familiar old trusted ways. We are creatures of habit and habits are hard to break. It doesn’t feel right when you do it. We go to shrinks, self-help groups, weight watchers anonymous this and that and it will work, or seemingly working, for a time; then all of a sudden we will get a moment of epiphany and we will begin to question our motives and before we know we are right back on the old track.
And why is that?
Because it feels good to have a goal, inspiration, motivation, a driving force that fuels our desires so we have a reason to wake up in the morning go to work and swallow all the bullshits we encountered on the road, it stops us from killing our bosses co-workers spouses children neighbors and the dogs and cats or whatever pets we have that take so much of our already so little precious time. It stops us from setting our double mortgaged houses landscaped gardens and state of the art we barely can afford cars on fire. It stops us from jumping off the cliff or bridge if you prefer or hang ourselves or at least packing our bags to have an indefinite vacation in the loony bin. It helps us to go on. You know what they say… A life without dreams is like a garden without flowers.
Whoever said that never heard of foliage gardening. Forgive my muddled thoughts. I’m loaded with tranquilizers and still sleep deprived. Not because I’m thinking of bigger and better things but because of the pain. The pain… I will go up and lie down for a bit. Till next time?
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