Tag Archives: musing

Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

It’s not puberty that hits you. It’s your deliberate choice to cope with society’s standards of beauty. You shed fats, you wore makeup, you fit in. Truth be told, if you aren’t beautiful to them, you’ll surely won’t be treated right.

I discovered lipstick when I was 48 and I started wearing them only two years ago. I don’t care what society wants and expects, I have my own rules. It doesn’t make my life any easier but I don’t go with the flow and life is too short to worry myself about things that don’t concern me really. I’ve been treated unfairly because of the color of my skin and been accused of many things I didn’t do because I refuse to be part of the social herd but what judgmental, simple-minded prejudiced people think say and do tell more about their narrow one-track mindedness and characters than about me. Eat their hearts out for all I care. Shakespeare once said:

My beauty, though but mean,
Needs not the painted flourish of your praise:
Beauty is bought by judgement of the eye,
Not utter’d by base sale of chapmen’s tongues

That means beauty, like supreme dominion
Is but supported by opinion and exists merely in the mind which contemplates them.

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Vague

Straight question straight answer

No beating around the bushes

A vague sensation of something is about to happen

Wishing to know the three w’s

You know…

When what, where

And of course to whom

How about the winning combination of lottery numbers

Instead of always impending doom

Can predict the future of others

But have no clue of own fate

Wish everything is so simple and predictable

But predictable is boring

Life is how you make it

Try the theory for real and you will find out that

Like most things it is easier said than done

Good weather with a vague hint of rain from a distance

A perfect day could be energy draining

Being among people even for a while makes me treasure solitude even more

The week has just begun it’s only Monday

Let’s practice Carpe Diem

And Carpe Noctem for the rest of the week

Even better let’s make it Carpe Omnia

See if it works

Goodluck people!

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Parallel

Do you believe in a parallel universe? I do. Could you digest the concept of someone might have an ability to slide from this world to another, like shifting or time traveling? I could. Handy when it’s raining here and you don’t want to get wet. Even better, go where the sun is shining, where I came from, the land of endless summer.

Have you ever had a chance to take a glimpse of another universe? I did. Several times. The last one was a few years ago when while lying in my bed the hairs on my neck suddenly stood up and I knew from experience that something was about to happen. I can detect moments like that by sensing the sudden shift in the atmosphere, so subtle changes like ripples in the air but nonetheless present, and sure enough when I turned around a portion of my bedroom wall started to slowly peel off and revealed a totally different place; a cobbled street with old houses on both sides painted mostly with ochre color. It was just a fraction of a second but it was there as real as you and me in this world. 

The authenticity of my claim is, of course, debatable for so many obvious reasons; one of those is what my son has presented to me for argument’s sake he said that he believes anything I had experienced is indeed real, to me it is but it doesn’t mean it is really so. My son has a tendency to burst my bubbles and keep my feet on the ground. Maybe it is for the best.

I wonder what he would say if I tell him about the time I was trapped between two walls, or the day I disappeared inside a city square fountain or had a conversation with a ghost. Maybe I’ll bother him with the details the next time he visits. 

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Sunday

I realized that I had lost too many people. People who left me, and people I left. People who stopped loving me, and people I never stopped loving. People who forgot me, and people I will never forget. In between the silence of outgrowing people and the heartbreak of striking differences, life slapped us all into reality.

From far, I see a young man arm-in-arm
with a woman, and he is walking as if
there’s spring in his feet. And he sees me,
and he smiles in the way men do when
they think they have made it. 
And I feel sad: I say you poor bastard.
Sooner or later, they all leave,
and your legs will tire out. Give it few years,
and you won’t even be able to pee standing.
He’s wearing a fancy cologne; he makes a joke
and the woman giggles. Maybe she says
how funny he is. I can see he’s feeling proud.
His chest bulges, his shoulders are upright.
And he again looks at me. And I feel sad:
I say you poor bastard. Soon enough,
you will slur, and you will drool. And she
won’t be there when you wet your bed
because you’re fucking old. I imagine the day
when he first finds out the cruel joke that
has been played on him. Oh, I fear for him.
Now, he’s laughing as she almost falls into
his arms. And I feel sad: you poor bastard.
The weather is beautiful today.
Laugh while you still can.

~Honest Musing via Facebook

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Simplify

This might frustrate you. There seem to be so many walls to break down. Just when you start to feel like you’re figuring her out – you find another piece to the puzzle that throws everything off. Be patient. She’s this tough because she had to be. Something happened that taught her to never need anyone. Someone she needed left before she was done needing them. But none of this will spill out easily. She’s extremely uncomfortable with other people seeing her vulnerable or in pain. Her emotions and pain are hers, and this is what she’s used to.

She’ll tell herself she doesn’t need you. She’ll make situations worse by trying to suppress her feelings about them. When you fall for the girl who’s used to not needing anyone, believe that she has more feelings and layers than she knows what to do with. Her instinct will be to try to compose herself. When she does open up to you, it’s everything. Being emotionally naked with someone is how she expresses her love.

She’ll know exactly who she is and what she wants. When you’re used to not needing anyone, you do what you want, when you want, and without asking permission or informing anyone. She loves this part of her identity, but she secretly wants you to confront her. She’s hoping that sometimes, you’ll put your foot down, and challenge her stubborn ways.

She’s strong, maybe even too strong for you at first. Don’t let this fool you. This is her outer shell. Her armor. She is so used to taking care of herself that it’s going to be hard for her to let someone else in. It took a lot of work to get to where she is: Independent, taking no shit and being happy on her own. She’s afraid to let you in because she’s afraid of what will happen if you might leave.

I can promise you it won’t be easy, she’ll hang on to her walls for as long as she can. She will be enigmatic. She will always want things her way, and she’ll fight you when she doesn’t get it.

She’ll even try to push you away. This is how she protects herself.

But when you really get to know her, she’ll be the girl who will change your life. Don’t always give in to her, but be patient with her. She’s strong, but she’s also scared – scared of love, scared of needing someone, and definitely scared of you.

Because even if she says she doesn’t need you, at her core, she is just a girl who has more love than she knows what to do with.

~Truth Slaps via Facebook

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Tend

Dale Carnegie once said:

“One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.”

Because

“People tend to dwell more on negative things than on good things. So the mind then becomes obsessed with negative things, with judgments, guilt, and anxiety produced by thoughts about the future and so on.” 

Said Eckhart Tolle.

I say:

People are never satisfied. When they get what they want, they want more, bigger, better things. The cliché the grass is always greener on the other side is not just a cliché. If we care to admit we all know that there is some truth, a lot of truth in that old saying. We never stop craving, wanting, fantasizing, obsessing for all the things we don’t have yet. We are convinced life would be better if we have what we are dreaming of. And those seem to be always out of reach because once we got it there will be something new to obsessed about. And those become our goals trying our very best to achieve the things we think we need while complaining about stress depression lack of time burnout and all those conditions that make it impossible to relax and have peace of mind.

What to do then?

Continue as it is. Why? Because no matter what I or anybody would say, people will go on living their merry lives in their own familiar old trusted ways. We are creatures of habit and habits are hard to break. It doesn’t feel right when you do it. We go to shrinks, self-help groups, weight watchers anonymous this and that and it will work, or seemingly working, for a time; then all of a sudden we will get a moment of epiphany and we will begin to question our motives and before we know we are right back on the old track.

And why is that?

Because it feels good to have a goal, inspiration, motivation, a driving force that fuels our desires so we have a reason to wake up in the morning go to work and swallow all the bullshits we encountered on the road, it stops us from killing our bosses co-workers spouses children neighbors and the dogs and cats or whatever pets we have that take so much of our already so little precious time. It stops us from setting our double mortgaged houses landscaped gardens and state of the art we barely can afford cars on fire. It stops us from jumping off the cliff or bridge if you prefer or hang ourselves or at least packing our bags to have an indefinite vacation in the loony bin. It helps us to go on. You know what they say…  A life without dreams is like a garden without flowers.


Whoever said that never heard of foliage gardening. Forgive my muddled thoughts. I’m loaded with tranquilizers and still sleep deprived. Not because I’m thinking of bigger and better things but because of the pain. The pain… I will go up and lie down for a bit. Till next time?

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The view

I may have a Gothic view of life, but I’ve never been a pessimist. It took me this long to realize it but you know what they say… better late than never. Today, I marked the beginning of a new year for me; the year I discovered other sides of my personality, the hidden truth within the real self. Life is a never-ending learning process indeed.

All my life, I have believed that I was a pessimist. Sitting here in the front of the computer  I suddenly realized that is not true, exactly the opposite in fact. I found out that over and over again in the course of my existence when everything seemed hopeless; times when I encountered walls and there seemed to be no way out, dead-end wherever I turned; those were the moments when I painted doors and windows to look out. And beyond that, I created meadows, fields, hills, beaches forest oceans, mountains, and rainbows. I did it to have something to look at, to hope for.

When everything seemed lost, I made escape routes; paths to tomorrow, because I could not accept defeat, I cannot just stop and accept. There has to be a way out somehow, always… and I will find it no matter what.

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Wednesday Treasure

It was at that very moment, that I realized I couldn’t force the flowers to bloom. I couldn’t force the clouds to part or the rain to cease. I could never go back and I hadn’t the capacity to leap forwards. I understood what they meant when they said, “Patience is a virtue.”

I had succumbed to the “no day but today/life’s too short” attitude and turned it against me. I suppose it might be better for me to say that it turned me against time. Time became the enemy ‒ I was in a race against the clock. If life is too short and there’s no day but today then I’m not waiting for anything. I saw no utility in waiting for love, in investing time to cultivate something that you may never see to fruition. What if I spend all of my time today building something for tomorrow and I die tonight?

But then again, if there’s no day but today and life is too short why am I wondering about “what if’s”? If it brings me joy to wait for love, to invest in something that I may never finish, then I have brought value and worth to the only gift that I truly have ‒ the now.

The beauty of flowers is that they bloom in their own sweet time, and sunny days are beautiful because we know rain. And rain can be beautiful because we know the joy of sitting on the couch with a cup of tea, or walking through a storm on a hot summer’s day.

Because we can make inferences about the future, we do and I’m not sure if succumbing to the present moment will obliterate my tendency to look forwards. In fact, I know that it can be useful to plan for the future but having the patience to not wish it before its time is of crucial importance. Get the camera ready but the flowers are going to do it on their own terms, not ours. Invest in love that may never happen, but if it’s supposed to happen it will happen on its own terms, not ours.

Have I been so afraid of being wrong that I had given up on faith? If I didn’t believe in something and it never happened, then at least I’d be right ‒ was that my mentality? Instead of putting my faith in something, waiting, having patience, and then having it never happen or worse having the opposite happening?

But at that very moment, I disregarded my ego. I called a truce with time. I stopped trying to control the forces that controlled me. I yielded my life to higher plans and experienced a taste of freedom, knowing I would have to consciously achieve that state every day to find peace of mind…

(Disclaimer: I found this note among my documents. I have no idea where it came from but I like it nonetheless so, I am sharing it with you)

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Escape

“Writing let me escape. It let me escape the insistent tug of my family, its ongoing misery and the reality of the world outside. Writing is like slipping into the ocean, where I could move easily, where I could be nobody and anybody, visible and invisible all at once. Sitting in front of the computer, with the screen blank and the cursor blinking, is the best escape I know.”

~ good in bed

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Sometimes…

Sometimes I give up…

Sometimes I just sit back, and wish I was someone else, living another life.

I just feel that I can’t take any more.

I have tried so hard to understand, to accept, to agree, and to move on from the pain, 

but it’s like a great weight, pulling me back, holding me down, and engulfing me.

I sometimes wonder what the point is in trying to sort things out, 

given that I have to fight tooth and nail sometimes to be heard. 

It would be so easy to run away to disappear to not be seen from, or heard from again.

Deep down I know I won’t be missed.

Deep down I know that I didn’t matter.

 

Sometimes I think that life is getting better,

and yet there is this gaping wound that is not healing.

I don’t know how to face it,

but I know that I will be facing it alone.

 

I sometimes I wonder where my friends are,

and what happened to all the people I have know and loved.

I sometimes wonder why they are gone from my life,

and if it was my fault.

 

Sometimes I just wonder if I think to much,

if I’m caught in a cycle of self reflection,

that ultimately has trapped me into feeling self loathing,

and self doubt.

 

I sometimes wonder if I have ever loved at all,

or did I just pretend so that I could feel love.

Maybe I don’t have the capacity to love,

or be loved.

 

Sometimes I wonder if I will smile and laugh again.

If my spirit will fly free and soar,

or will I spend the rest of my days alone,

trapped in an isolated self-created prison,

to which I no longer have the key,

or the understanding to escape.

 

I sometimes just wonder why,

but know that road leads to madness and insanity.

Still, they are better company than loneliness.

They are much better company than fear.

 

Sometimes I wonder if it’s all a dream,

and if one day I will wake up and find out that I am someone else,

and that I have another life.

The truth is sometimes just too painful to bear.

 

I sometimes wonder what happened to the dreams I had,

and the future I once wanted,

I wonder what happened to the life I once had.

Sometimes I think I must have dropped it along the way,

or put it down somewhere and forgot about it.

 

Sometimes I wonder why I believe that things will get better,

when the reality is that belief is fleeting.

What I want, what I need is a moment that I can believe in,

that I can hold on to,

and worship when the darkness comes.

 

I sometimes just wander,

and try to loose myself in a memory,

anything to escape the dreadful certainty that my time has gone past,

and that I missed the sign pointing me the right way.

 

And sometimes, just sometimes I believe that tomorrow just might be a better day…

-Mh

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Music In My Heart

What are the tree songs that most important in my life? Well, there is none. I wonder if there is really one that is important to someone like I understand what important is.

To me there are songs that bring back memories, a certain place, some special someone, a time in your life, even food (in my case it’s always been like that- no not food; I have love-hate relationship with food- all the songs that I like are connected to the past and indeed bring back a lot of memories for the rest I hate listening to music, to me they are noises) there are those that seem specially written for you and you alone, songs which every word spells your life front and backward, your sorrow, your pain, longing, desires and experiences. I have those too. If I have to give three it would be My Way by Ole Blue eyes, I’ve Never Been To Me by Charlene and I Am A Rock by Simon and Garfunkel. How about that for going literal? (har har)

How about theme songs? In my country theme songs are quite the thing for lovers. Not knowing or failing to remember what your theme song is can lead to relationship break up especially with teenagers and young adults. Not having a theme song can affect your popularity within your circle of friends. It means your beau is not really serious with you or otherwise the two of you have a theme song already.

First dance… my best friend first dance and right away become the theme song of her and her husband (yes they are both Caucasian. Surprise?) is probably the most popular song of the band Chicago, you guessed it right, If You Leave Me Now. She owned a café and he was one of the regulars. One night when the place was almost empty, they danced to that tune. They are married for almost forty years now.

Wedding march is arguably the most significant use of music in one’s personal life. You’re marching to another phase of your life, in some culture not only for better or for worse but forever as well. You see in my country there is still no divorce. Whether you and your other half keep to the promise or not years later, ones wedding march can never be forgotten that easily. Whenever you hear that music, you can either say: I marched to heaven or hell with that song.

That’s it. My twenty minutes of free writing is up and I have to stop here. Posted this piece the way it is in accordance to the rules meaning without correction. Ciao!  

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