Tag Archives: musing

Simplify

This might frustrate you. There seem to be so many walls to break down. Just when you start to feel like you’re figuring her out – you find another piece to the puzzle that throws everything off. Be patient. She’s this tough because she had to be. Something happened that taught her to never need anyone. Someone she needed left before she was done needing them. But none of this will spill out easily. She’s extremely uncomfortable with other people seeing her vulnerable or in pain. Her emotions and pain are hers, and this is what she’s used to.

She’ll tell herself she doesn’t need you. She’ll make situations worse by trying to suppress her feelings about them. When you fall for the girl who’s used to not needing anyone, believe that she has more feelings and layers than she knows what to do with. Her instinct will be to try to compose herself. When she does open up to you, it’s everything. Being emotionally naked with someone is how she expresses her love.

She’ll know exactly who she is and what she wants. When you’re used to not needing anyone, you do what you want, when you want, and without asking permission or informing anyone. She loves this part of her identity, but she secretly wants you to confront her. She’s hoping that sometimes, you’ll put your foot down, and challenge her stubborn ways.

She’s strong, maybe even too strong for you at first. Don’t let this fool you. This is her outer shell. Her armor. She is so used to taking care of herself that it’s going to be hard for her to let someone else in. It took a lot of work to get to where she is: Independent, taking no shit and being happy on her own. She’s afraid to let you in because she’s afraid of what will happen if you might leave.

I can promise you it won’t be easy, she’ll hang on to her walls for as long as she can. She will be enigmatic. She will always want things her way, and she’ll fight you when she doesn’t get it.

She’ll even try to push you away. This is how she protects herself.

But when you really get to know her, she’ll be the girl who will change your life. Don’t always give in to her, but be patient with her. She’s strong, but she’s also scared – scared of love, scared of needing someone, and definitely scared of you.

Because even if she says she doesn’t need you, at her core, she is just a girl who has more love than she knows what to do with.

~Truth Slaps via Facebook

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Tend

Dale Carnegie once said:

“One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.”

Because

“People tend to dwell more on negative things than on good things. So the mind then becomes obsessed with negative things, with judgments, guilt, and anxiety produced by thoughts about the future and so on.” 

Said Eckhart Tolle.

I say:

People are never satisfied. When they get what they want, they want more, bigger, better things. The cliché the grass is always greener on the other side is not just a cliché. If we care to admit we all know that there is some truth, a lot of truth in that old saying. We never stop craving, wanting, fantasizing, obsessing for all the things we don’t have yet. We are convinced life would be better if we have what we are dreaming of. And those seem to be always out of reach because once we got it there will be something new to obsessed about. And those become our goals trying our very best to achieve the things we think we need while complaining about stress depression lack of time burnout and all those conditions that make it impossible to relax and have peace of mind.

What to do then?

Continue as it is. Why? Because no matter what I or anybody would say, people will go on living their merry lives in their own familiar old trusted ways. We are creatures of habit and habits are hard to break. It doesn’t feel right when you do it. We go to shrinks, self-help groups, weight watchers anonymous this and that and it will work, or seemingly working, for a time; then all of a sudden we will get a moment of epiphany and we will begin to question our motives and before we know we are right back on the old track.

And why is that?

Because it feels good to have a goal, inspiration, motivation, a driving force that fuels our desires so we have a reason to wake up in the morning go to work and swallow all the bullshits we encountered on the road, it stops us from killing our bosses co-workers spouses children neighbors and the dogs and cats or whatever pets we have that take so much of our already so little precious time. It stops us from setting our double mortgaged houses landscaped gardens and state of the art we barely can afford cars on fire. It stops us from jumping off the cliff or bridge if you prefer or hang ourselves or at least packing our bags to have an indefinite vacation in the loony bin. It helps us to go on. You know what they say…  A life without dreams is like a garden without flowers.


Whoever said that never heard of foliage gardening. Forgive my muddled thoughts. I’m loaded with tranquilizers and still sleep deprived. Not because I’m thinking of bigger and better things but because of the pain. The pain… I will go up and lie down for a bit. Till next time?

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The view

I may have a Gothic view of life, but I’ve never been a pessimist. It took me this long to realize it but you know what they say… better late than never. Today, I marked the beginning of a new year for me; the year I discovered other sides of my personality, the hidden truth within the real self. Life is a never ending learning process indeed.

All my life, I have believed that I was a pessimist. Sitting here in the front of the computer  I suddenly realized that is not true, exactly the opposite in fact. I found out that over and over again in the course of my existence, when everything seemed hopeless; times when I encountered walls and there seemed to be no way out, dead-end wherever I turned; those were the moments when I painted doors and windows to look out. And beyond that, I created meadows, fields, hills, beaches forest oceans, mountains and rainbows. I did it to have something to look at, to hope for.

When everything seemed lost, I made escape routes; paths to tomorrow, because I could not accept defeat, I cannot just stop and accept. There has to be a way out somehow, always… and I will find it no matter what.

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Wednesday Treasure

It was at that very moment, that I realized I couldn’t force the flowers to bloom. I couldn’t force the clouds to part or the rain to cease. I could never go back and I hadn’t the capacity to leap forwards. I understood what they meant when they said, “Patience is a virtue.”

I had succumbed to the “no day but today/life’s too short” attitude and turned it against me. I suppose it might be better for me to say that it turned me against time. Time became the enemy ‒ I was in a race against the clock. If life is too short and there’s no day but today then I’m not waiting for anything. I saw no utility in waiting for love, in investing time to cultivate something that you may never see to fruition. What if I spend all of my time today building something for tomorrow and I die tonight?

But then again, if there’s no day but today and life is too short why am I wondering about “what if’s”? If it brings me joy to wait for love, to invest in something that I may never finish, then I have brought value and worth to the only gift that I truly have ‒ the now.

The beauty of flowers is that they bloom in their own sweet time, and sunny days are beautiful because we know rain. And rain can be beautiful because we know the joy of sitting on the couch with a cup of tea, or walking through a storm on a hot summer’s day.

Because we can make inferences about the future, we do and I’m not sure if succumbing to the present moment will obliterate my tendency to look forwards. In fact, I know that it can be useful to plan for the future but having the patience to not wish it before its time is of crucial importance. Get the camera ready but the flowers are going to do it on their own terms, not ours. Invest in love that may never happen, but if it’s supposed to happen it will happen on its own terms, not ours.

Have I been so afraid of being wrong that I had given up on faith? If I didn’t believe in something and it never happened, then at least I’d be right ‒ was that my mentality? Instead of putting my faith in something, waiting, having patience, and then having it never happen or worse having the opposite happening?

But at that very moment, I disregarded my ego. I called a truce with time. I stopped trying to control the forces that controlled me. I yielded my life to higher plans and experienced a taste of freedom, knowing I would have to consciously achieve that state every day to find peace of mind…

(Disclaimer: I found this note among my documents. I have no idea where it came from but I like it nonetheless so, I am sharing it with you)

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Escape

“Writing let me escape. It let me escape the insistent tug of my family, its ongoing misery and the reality of the world outside. Writing is like slipping into the ocean, where I could move easily, where I could be nobody and anybody, visible and invisible all at once. Sitting in front of the computer, with the screen blank and the cursor blinking, is the best escape I know.”

~ good in bed

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Sometimes…

Sometimes I give up…

Sometimes I just sit back, and wish I was someone else, living another life.

I just feel that I can’t take any more.

I have tried so hard to understand, to accept, to agree, and to move on from the pain, 

but it’s like a great weight, pulling me back, holding me down, and engulfing me.

I sometimes wonder what the point is in trying to sort things out, 

given that I have to fight tooth and nail sometimes to be heard. 

It would be so easy to run away to disappear to not be seen from, or heard from again.

Deep down I know I won’t be missed.

Deep down I know that I didn’t matter.

 

Sometimes I think that life is getting better,

and yet there is this gaping wound that is not healing.

I don’t know how to face it,

but I know that I will be facing it alone.

 

I sometimes I wonder where my friends are,

and what happened to all the people I have know and loved.

I sometimes wonder why they are gone from my life,

and if it was my fault.

 

Sometimes I just wonder if I think to much,

if I’m caught in a cycle of self reflection,

that ultimately has trapped me into feeling self loathing,

and self doubt.

 

I sometimes wonder if I have ever loved at all,

or did I just pretend so that I could feel love.

Maybe I don’t have the capacity to love,

or be loved.

 

Sometimes I wonder if I will smile and laugh again.

If my spirit will fly free and soar,

or will I spend the rest of my days alone,

trapped in an isolated self-created prison,

to which I no longer have the key,

or the understanding to escape.

 

I sometimes just wonder why,

but know that road leads to madness and insanity.

Still, they are better company than loneliness.

They are much better company than fear.

 

Sometimes I wonder if it’s all a dream,

and if one day I will wake up and find out that I am someone else,

and that I have another life.

The truth is sometimes just too painful to bear.

 

I sometimes wonder what happened to the dreams I had,

and the future I once wanted,

I wonder what happened to the life I once had.

Sometimes I think I must have dropped it along the way,

or put it down somewhere and forgot about it.

 

Sometimes I wonder why I believe that things will get better,

when the reality is that belief is fleeting.

What I want, what I need is a moment that I can believe in,

that I can hold on to,

and worship when the darkness comes.

 

I sometimes just wander,

and try to loose myself in a memory,

anything to escape the dreadful certainty that my time has gone past,

and that I missed the sign pointing me the right way.

 

And sometimes, just sometimes I believe that tomorrow just might be a better day…

-Mh

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Music In My Heart

What are the tree songs that most important in my life? Well, there is none. I wonder if there is really one that is important to someone like I understand what important is.

To me there are songs that bring back memories, a certain place, some special someone, a time in your life, even food (in my case it’s always been like that- no not food; I have love-hate relationship with food- all the songs that I like are connected to the past and indeed bring back a lot of memories for the rest I hate listening to music, to me they are noises) there are those that seem specially written for you and you alone, songs which every word spells your life front and backward, your sorrow, your pain, longing, desires and experiences. I have those too. If I have to give three it would be My Way by Ole Blue eyes, I’ve Never Been To Me by Charlene and I Am A Rock by Simon and Garfunkel. How about that for going literal? (har har)

How about theme songs? In my country theme songs are quite the thing for lovers. Not knowing or failing to remember what your theme song is can lead to relationship break up especially with teenagers and young adults. Not having a theme song can affect your popularity within your circle of friends. It means your beau is not really serious with you or otherwise the two of you have a theme song already.

First dance… my best friend first dance and right away become the theme song of her and her husband (yes they are both Caucasian. Surprise?) is probably the most popular song of the band Chicago, you guessed it right, If You Leave Me Now. She owned a café and he was one of the regulars. One night when the place was almost empty, they danced to that tune. They are married for almost forty years now.

Wedding march is arguably the most significant use of music in one’s personal life. You’re marching to another phase of your life, in some culture not only for better or for worse but forever as well. You see in my country there is still no divorce. Whether you and your other half keep to the promise or not years later, ones wedding march can never be forgotten that easily. Whenever you hear that music, you can either say: I marched to heaven or hell with that song.

That’s it. My twenty minutes of free writing is up and I have to stop here. Posted this piece the way it is in accordance to the rules meaning without correction. Ciao!  

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Close, But No Cigar

Tell us about a time things came this close to working out… but didn’t. What happened next? Would you like the chance to try again, or are you happy with how things eventually worked out?

Way back in the year 2000, I’ve been to a place where there were only fifty houses and all of the inhabitants family; either by blood or by marriage. One had to walk four kilometres just to buy bread, but it was always a pleasant walk because we were accompanied by constant sounds of the nearby streams and the divine smells of coffee flowers; it was like a dream. A dream that lasted three months.

The thing I remember the most about the place was the rain. It always rain. Not the rain we or I normally know of. It was like there was typhoon every day. The people there laughed at me because for them it was normal. The place was between two mountains, hauling wind and torrent were nothing but a part of their daily existence.

That was also the time I considered to settle down and get married. My dream was to own a nipa hut by the creek surrounded with flowers, keep some pigs and chickens, have a baby boy who smells good and a husband who comes home in the evening from working in the mountains bearing a whole banana bunch and carrying a big bolo tied around his middle. Then he will look at me with undisguised desire in his eyes and you can fill in the blank. I did, still do from time to time. Silly I know but…

There was the perfect place, together with the perfect someone who made me realized that “peaceful” was/is good enough reason to consider tying down with someone. Close, but unfortunately no cigar. Our worlds are too far apart. It was heaven at that moment but reality is different. I went home and he stays.

I was for a time devastated. So much so that I wrote a book about it and a sequel on how I dream or want the story, our story to develop. In book two, I let go of myself; I poured my heart out, my desire, my longing onto the pages. Those dreams reside now in a shoe box inside the closet. Never seen by any other pair of eyes but mine.

Would I like the chance to try again? The answer is no. I have other priorities now, other goals, different desire.

Am I happy with how things eventually worked out? Yes and no. Yes because what I have now is quite similar but upgraded minus the pigs and chickens. It’s also peaceful. In fact, too much of it sometimes it drives me crazy. No, because the passion that was there in my previous life is missing and I’m a very passionate person; but I know in life we can impossibly have everything…

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Possessions

I always think there is too much stress placed on possessions.  They don’t bring happiness, not even comfort. Some of the most contended people I know live in  cottages no bigger than rich people’s garages, but they keep a good table and a glowing hearth; they have a good quantity of bedding and crockery, a patch of vegetables garden and a few hens, and it is as if they owned the earth; they seem to want for nothing more.  Once you start acquiring, the impulse becomes a habit. I should know… 

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Reflection

She’d put up some sort of mental curtain and she had always thought it was strong but she didn’t know for sure. Certainly there were holes in it and if you look through them you run the risk of seeing things in purple haze. Beyond that you maybe don’t want to see. It’s better not to look, just as it is better not even to glance at yourself in the mirror…

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Ironing

I always let myself be distracted by small details, the troubles that can fill any day, any week, if you let them. I neglect to sit back and enjoy the overall experience. I keep thinking that once this and that is repaired and this is solved and that is explained, then I can sit back and relax, savor the air, the scent of roses. As if life were a garment that had to have every minute wrinkle ironed out of it, that had to be perfectly smooth before it could be worn. Knowing that nothing is ever perfectly smooth…

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