Greetings from my garden.
She’s not gonna be the easiest girl to be with. To be honest, you’re probably gonna go through hell with her. Her insecurities are ridiculous, her expectations are unrealistic, her trust issues are too much, her anger issues are scary, her logic doesn’t make any sense at times, her feelings don’t know what they want here and there. Just to let you know right now, she’s gonna cause a lot of problems, she’s gonna get jealous often, and she’s gonna over-analyze, over-exaggerate, and over-think every situation there is. There will be times you’ll find her weird, there will be times you’ll find her immature, and there will be times you’ll be her complicated. You’re gonna be annoyed, you’re gonna get frustrated, and you’re gonna feel like giving up on her. But despite all of her flaws, faults, and errors, she has such a big heart and it’s because she has a big heart that she’s the way she is in the first place. If you can stick with her through all of the challenges she’ll give you, then she’ll make sure it’s worth it.
Good luck, though. You’re gonna need it.
“My experience of life is that it is not divided up into genres; it’s a horrifying, romantic, tragic, comical, science-fiction cowboy detective novel. You know, with a bit of pornography if you’re lucky.” ― Alan Moore
I could not have said it any better.
Add thriller horror action and drama to the mix and it’s complete.
I wonder what yours is.
Sometimes love can be a lonely word which reminds you of numerous heartbreaks, failed relationships and loneliness. You went through this cycle of falling in love, feeling on top of the world, the familiarity that slowly crept in which in turn gave way to differences and finally separation. Thereafter came the all too familiar flood of tears, those grief-stricken moments crying on someone else’s shoulder (or crying yourself to sleep if a sympathetic friend wasn’t around), the endless hours spent in consoling yourself and so on. Finally when the dust has settled and you are up and about, shift your focus on rebuilding your life, nurture those friendships which you had neglected, pursue your hobbies which you had put on the back burner, pay more attention to your work and spend quality time with your family. Explore the world, roam around, meet people and you never know at which corner of life you’ll come face to face with your soul connection or purpose. But never ever shut yourself off from love. All in good time you’ll finally find the love of your life.
― Latika Teotia
I discovered that what most people call creepy, scary, and spooky, I call comfy, cozy, and home.―
They say we feel more comfortable in a familiar environment. With the people we know.
Studies have shown that we are all attracted to what is familiar to us and that repeated exposure to certain people will increase our attraction toward them. This is a subconscious process that we’re not even aware of or have any awareness of making such a choice. We are attracted to familiar people because we consider them to be safe and unlikely to cause harm. Even when someone’s behavior or personality is hurtful, on a subconscious level, some part of us finds comfort in the familiarity of that behavior. Good or bad, the environment in which we grew up is the only home we’ve ever known.
This is why it’s so difficult for people to leave hurtful relationships. It’s easy to criticize someone for staying in an abusive relationship and to blame the person for staying, accusing them of being weak or wanting to be treated badly. But no one wants to be treated badly. It is hard to leave because, besides the issues of having nowhere else to go, we are tethered to bad relationships as much as we are tethered to the past by our subconscious minds. [source: Psychology Today- The Familiarity Principle of Attraction]
I am a product of this principle though not by my own choice. I suffered from Stockholm Syndrome and still suffering the consequences nonetheless.
Going back to where I came from, I always seek the familiar environment of my youth even though I’ve long escaped that situation and now belong to another group. That makes me susceptible to horror and ordeal of the past which my family and most people are trying to escape and will gladly trade for my privileged position. Difficult and incomprehensible as it is, that environment could evoke feelings from me when nothing could and will forever be miss and long for against my better judgment.
I can only say I have waited for you
through western nights
at bus stops
and the gallows of tears
And then you came
through the forlorn cities of Europe
I recognized you
I set out the table for you
with wine with bread with mercy
but imperturbably you turned your back
you detached your sex, laid it down on the table
and without speaking a word
with your own smile
abandoned the world
— by Ingrid Jonker
“Right now I am happy where I am.
I am okay, I feel this certain sense of freedom that I can be okay with myself without being blamed for the kind of life that I need, the life that I enjoy.
I don’t want to live a life with people I supposedly love and love me—will keep on judging me saying: Look at her, look at her houses her cars her things and look at what we have. I cannot be crucified for the life that I live and for the things that I have, that’s what I’m saying.
Why should I be with people who’ll always feel like they have the right and need to own what I own?”
I’ve read this somewhere and I thought: That’s it! That’s exactly it!
The above passage reminds me of a lot of things. One of them being an immigrant and second class citizen. You all understand what I mean. No need to explain. Being what I am evokes certain expectations from certain people. For example: While shopping, certain type of women look down on me and often openly hostile when in the parking lot the latest model of the luxury car they admire and wish to have which happened to be parked next to their old economical carriage happened to be mine. We both don’t dress up according to our standard, only I don’t give a damn until they behave the way they behave and even then…
But it’s nothing compared to what my family expects: I am one word to them: Mealticket. Oh, that is actually two words but never mind…
I know we are all humans but I’m not sure if being prejudiced/judgmental is part of being human. You see, I’m live and let live kind of person who happened to believe everyone is equal unless proven wrong and my eventual conclusion has nothing to do with money power and status but rather based on character and behavior. For me, a person’s worth doesn’t lie on material possessions but upon morals and values. Status never impresses me but a good disposition and a kind manner will.
I think if we focus on what makes us happy instead of what we think would make us happy, this world will be a more harmonious place.
if you’ve inherited my heart
then don’t be ashamed
of how desperate you sometimes feel
or how you stain sheets and shirts
that you are sopping wet
a walking hemorrhage
curious hands in the shower
the first menses of a young girl
a virgin writhing on a bed
you are on fire
you are like your mother.
So how could I ever talk about sin or damnation
when you have legs like creaking doors?
you welcome ghosts home
so I know you will know hell intimately
men who like to punch women in the face
who tongue kiss girls who look like their mother
men who hold you down, face in the mattress.
Daughter with a soft body
the hardest ones will fall for you
and you will usher them in
seek out their sharp edges
and by the time they’ve finished
you will be bloody and sore
teeth marks on your thighs
your torso a burnt house of worship.
Habibti, you do not deserve it but
you will be loved in fragments and fractions
until you no longer look like yourself
until your mouth is just the shape of his quiet name
oh my little girl
rip him out of your body
you come from a long line of women;
Hawa who doused herself in petrol
Ayan who pulled out her own teeth
Khadija who fell asleep in the river
forgetting is the hardest thing in the world,
– Warsan Shire
Mother says there are locked rooms inside all women; kitchen of lust, / bedroom of grief, a bathroom of apathy. / Sometimes, the men – they come with keys, / and sometimes, the men – they come with hammers. ~ Warsan Shire
Does it sound alarmingly like this? It does to me.
A woman should be a cook in the kitchen, a lady in the parlor, and a whore in the bedroom
But then again I’m paranoid and overthinker. You know…
A person who thinks all the time
Has nothing to think about except thoughts
So… he loses touch with reality
And lives in a world of illusions
By thoughts I mean specifically, Chatter in the skull
Perpetual and compulsive repetition
of words, of reckoning and calculating
I’m not saying that thinking is bad
Like everybody else
It’s useful in moderation
A good servant, but a bad master
And all civilized peoples
Have increasingly become crazy and self-destructive
Because through excessive thinking
They have lost touch with reality
That to say…
We confuse signs
With the real world…
This is the beginning of meditation
Most of us would have
Rather money than tangible wealth
And a great occasion is somehow spoiled for us unless photographed
And to read about it the next day in the newspaper
Is oddly more fun for us than the original event
This is a disaster…
For as a result of confusing the real world of nature with mere signs
We are destroying nature
We are so tied up in our minds that we’ve lost our senses
Time to wake up
What is reality?
Obviously… no one can say
Because it isn’t words
It isn’t material, that’s just an idea
The point cannot be explained in words
I’m not trying to put you down
It’s an expression of you as you are
One must live…
We need to survive to go on…
We must go on.
I’m getting sidetracked again. Heard this one somewhere but I’ve have forgotten it and remember just now. It supposed to be something about meditation or something but listening to it made me jumpy and edgy and itchy. Like yoga, it makes me more nervous than I ordinarily am. But let’s go back to the topic at the beginning of this post about rooms and lust and lady and whores which put another idea in my head about a knight in shining armor that in reality just an ordinary bloke in tin foil.
In my experience, conscious or unconscious, men, in general, expect women/girlfriends/wives to be surrogate mothers if not parents, organizers, housekeepers, psychiatrists chefs chauffeurs jack of all trades and above all vessels for their lineage and co-breadwinners and a whole lot more while looking like a pin-up model 24/7 opening the door for them when they come home, a glass of something strong in hand and ready for a good tumble in the hay, all of that without complain. They never consider the possibility that maybe we want a male version of what they expect but you will never find/read/heard something like this: A man should be a cook in the kitchen, a gentleman in the parlor, and a gigolo in the bedroom plus an Onassis when it comes to financial capital and a true blooded prince when it comes to pedigree anywhere because of what else but double standard it is.
Keys or hammers, change locks before they come and don’t let them too close if you value your core and your sanity. Close but not close enough to do some damage that could never be repaired. We have a saying in my country that when it comes to loving someone, don’t give your all. Leave/save some for yourself in case so you will be able to bounce back no matter what. And if they come as Thor, buy the biggest magnet you can find and take away their hammer, but not before you hit them hard on the head to cause enough amnesia.
Till next time.