Leap

I cannot get over of what has happened the other day  when I went out shopping. I’m still having nightmares about it. It added up to my already shaky belief in humanity and my declining faith in God. I’ve read somewhere  that Other people don’t define you – No matter what others say about you, that does not define who you are. It takes a lot of courage and strength to trust yourself and ignore those words and opinions. The only person you have to answer to is yourself and when you lie in bed at night, if you feel comfortable with yourself, your beliefs and your actions, then that is all that counts.

It is easier said than done. As they mentioned in the same article The small things add up – No matter how tough we are, we cannot take on the world. It is not the big things that always break us down, but all the little small things that can add up over time and cause us to simply collapse. And when bad things are happening for so long you come to expect them and every time something sad happens you don’t cry anymore, you just sit there and feel numb.

Watch your mind they say.

Watch your mind – Your mind can get out of control pretty quickly when things go wrong and so you have to stop it and stop it quick. If you don’t it can play out the full blown drama over and over and add in the self doubt, the worry, the fear and make you feel pretty low. Watch it, catch it and stop it. Stop the negative self talk dead in it’s tracks.

Another easier said than done.

We all have a breaking point and depending what is happening on our life, that breaking point can be pretty high or pretty low threshold. One thing is for sure, is that the small things add up and can crush even the toughest.

They right about that at least. One thing I noticed about those peep talk articles is like the passages in the bible, they contradict each other. Cancelling each other out and leave you feeling more confuse than ever. Okay, you can blow the chaff from the wheat and use it to your advantage. Another easier said than done. Inspirational talks are full of easier said than done quotable quotes that hardly applicable in real life I find.

One thing I know for sure.

Last year I lost my faith in God. Today, I lost my faith in humanity.

Daily Prompt

Feature Image: liza-feurtado

Colored

Today I’ve been accused of stealing.

I supposed to be viewing a house this morning, but I have difficulties falling asleep lately so I didn’t make the appointment. I made another one though the week after March 09. It is the day I have to go to the ophthalmologist. I reckon if I can combine the two since I have to be awake anyway at 10 a.m. then there is no reason why I can’t see the house. 

I woke up around 1:00 p.m. with a major headache but it was a very good weather. Cold but the sun was shining like there is no tomorrow and the grass are turning green again. In pictures people would probably think it’s high summer. I didn’t want to miss the rare opportunity so I dragged myself in bath, had a long soak and ended with a cold shower to shake my aching muscles awake.

In the car already I feel there was something wrong (I can usually predict these sort of things) and had to do something about it. But the funny thing about premonition is you can neither pinpoint which side the disaster is going to  come from nor you can guess the combination of the winning numbers in the national lottery. I ask myself sometimes what is the use of this gift if you are not able to make it work to your advantage.

Weekend is a tough day to find a parking spot in the city so I decided to put my car in the parking lot of a clothing shop where a garden center used to be and since I’m there already why not take a look inside since I never been in that branch yet. So far so good.

I was enjoying browsing the quite substantial offers on display when I saw a beautiful soft leather bag on the floor next to a row of shoes at the foot of a mannequin. I was not wearing my glasses so I stepped closer and leaned over to scrutinize the item. Reading the brand name stenciled on the front of the bag I was a bit surprise that they are selling it there because to my knowledge it is a bit exclusive. I noticed that there were various items poking out inside the bag and I suddenly realized that it was belong to someone so I looked around and saw two women. One on my left few rows away and another on my right on the front of the fitting mirror. She was closer to me so I asked her:  “Is this yours?” That was when all the hell breaks loose. She accused me of trying to steal her bag.

The row escalated and for the first time in my life I was shouting which was very uncharacteristic of me because normally the more I get angry the stiller my voice becomes. But the woman was beyond reproach and insisting in her hoity-toity voice that I was really trying to steal her bag. I told her if I was trying to steal her belongings would I asked her if the bag was hers? She said: but you almost took it. That means I didn’t even touch the damn thing how she can say with conviction that I was trying to steal it? Stupid person.

In the end the cashier came and tried to calm us down (me in particular) hubby came to the rescue and the woman backed out saying she was polite despite of the circumstances. I wanted to ask her if she would react the way she reacted if I am not colored, but the cashier came between us  and said it just a misunderstanding. I want to fight more but she retreated to another aisle. I heard her talking to someone behind my back so I walked to her to set the score right but they quickly walked away.

Paying my purchases the cashier apologized for what happened (I feel that it was the woman who has to apologize) and said it was really a misunderstanding. I wonder if she said that too to the other woman to keep the peace but it seemed she meant it so I let it go.

Living almost thirty years in this county this is the first time it happened to me. It shook my foundation to the core. I realized for the first time the seriousness of my situation. Because I am living here a lot longer than in my birth country, I tend to forget that no matter what I do, I will never be one of them. To their eyes I will always be a second class citizen.

All of a sudden, those times when I came into the upmarket shops and the salesperson looked at me as if I have no right to be there, entering ritzy restaurants and being sized up, the way people look at me with contempt when I step out of my car (Gran Turismo BMW 2015 model) or learned that until this year we had two houses and currently living in a villa, those awkward moments when people have spoken to me in broken English as if I’m a demented 3 years old came crashing down like a tidal wave and it makes me sick, realizing that I look like a thief or someone capable of such act out of need or want. That I don’t have to deceive myself thinking I belong here and as good as anyone of them. It’s terrifying to know that it can happen again and again and I can’t do nothing about it. 

To these people, I’m labelled. I will always be the stranger, the foreigner, the colored one, the intruder. I cannot be good enough no matter how hard I try. They tolerate my presence but watching me like a hawk waiting for the moment  that I make even the slightest mistake to swoop down and attach me to my tag justifying their prejudices whether the accusations are true or not. To them I’m just a charity case. Allowed up to a certain point. And no matter what it says on my passport I will never be a true citizen of this country unless I can change the color of my skin…  

 

State of Mind

Not so long ago this was the state of my mind and physical being…

Now, this is how I mostly am.

Weekly Photo Challenge 

Oops

“For we know in part, and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away. When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. ”  1 Corinthians 13

Religion is supposed to be our comfort when the hard times come. God is our rod and our staff, the Great Psalm declares; He will be with us and bear us up when we take that inevitable walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. Another Psalm assures us that God is our refuge and our strength, although the people who were victims of all evils might dispute that. Let’s say plainly what Saint Paul meant when he spoke of that darkened glass. He meant we are supposed to take it all on faith. If our faith is strong, we’ll go to heaven, and we’ll understand the whole thing when we get there. As if life were a joke, and heaven the place where the cosmic punchline is finally explained to us.

Christ taught us to to turn the other cheeks and love our enemies. We pay the concept lip service, but when most of us are struck, we try to pay back double. Christ drove the money changers from the temple, but we all know those quick-buck artists never stay away for long, if you’ve ever sat yourself down to a rousing game of church bingo or heard a radio preacher begging for money, you know exactly what I mean. Isaiah prophesied that the day would come when we’d beat out swords into plowshares, but all they’ve been beaten into in our current dark age is atomic bombs and intercontinental ballistic missiles.

And what do we get for our faith? For centuries we’ve given this church or that one our gifts of blood and treasure? The assurance that heaven is waiting for us at the end of it all, and when we get there, the punchline will be explained and we will say, ” Oh, yeah! Now I get it.” That’s the big pay off. It’s dinned into our ears from our earliest days; heaven, heaven, heaven! We will see our lost children, our dear mothers will take us in their arms! That’s the carrot. The stick we ‘re beaten with is hell, hell, hell! A Sheol of eternal damnation and torment. We tell young children that they stand in danger of eternal fire if they steal a piece of penny candy or lie about how they got their new shoes wet.

There is no proof of this after-life destination; no backbone of science; there is only the bald assurance, coupled with our powerful need to believe that it all make sense. Religion is the theological equivalent of a quick-buck insurance scam, where you pay in your premium year after year, and then, when you need the benefits you paid for so religiously, you discover the company that took your money does not, in fact, exist.

We came from a mystery and it’s to a mystery we go. Maybe there is something there, but it’s not God as any church understands Him. Look at the babble of conflicting beliefs and you will know that. They cancel each other out and leave nothing. Believe what you want to believe but I tell you this: behind Saint Paul’s darkened glass, there is nothing but a lie… 

~ Stephen King (Revival)

 

Caged

I don’t know what to say

I run out of ideas no inspiration

No chance to create new memories

The source is nearly exhausted

 

There was a time that writing is easy

Thoughts were running freely

Concepts are forming by itself

All I have to do is give them a place

 

I don’t believe in writer’s block

To me it doesn’t exist motivation

And inspiration are the keys

To set the locked muse free

 

Stagnant water gets murky

Before it dries out completely

I need a rain change of season

A new beginning another location

 

Nothing short of aspirations

Plenty enough to fuel a lifetime

But the itch has to be scratch

To satisfy the hungry mind

 

I want to run be out there

Taste the wind feel again

Close my eyes and commune

Be one with the nature

 

I’ve been in prison long enough

An exotic bird you cannot caged

I have to break free and fly once more

Staying here I will be dead…

 

Twenty Years And Two Husbands Ago

Looking in the bathroom mirror
Putting my make-up on
Maybeline can’t hide the lines of time that’s gone
Weighed 105 soaking wet
I’d knock him dead in that sundress
Had it all but just too young to know
But that was 20 years, 2 husbands ago

I remember when he took my hand and said I do
And the kitchen I was standing in when he said I’m through
I swore I’d never fall back in
Put my heart through that again
Never let somebody get that close
But that was 20 years, 2 husbands ago

Water under the bridge
I guess that’s all life really is

Driving the kids to school today it occurred to me
With all the wrong turns that I’ve made
I’m right where I should be
But I go back there from time to time
Looking for that peace of mind
Find it’s always just a dead end road
Yeah that was 20 years, 2 husbands ago

Water under the bridge
I guess that’s all life really is

Looking in the bathroom mirror
Putting my make-up on…

Music by Lee Ann Womack

Tomorrow’s Classics

On writing, my advice is the same to all. If you want to be a writer, write. Write and write and write. If you stop, start again. Save everything that you write. If you feel blocked, write through it until you feel your creative juices flowing again. Write. Writing is what makes a writer, nothing more and nothing less. — Ignore critics. Critics are a dime a dozen. Anybody can be a critic. Writers are priceless. — Go where the pleasure is in your writing. Go where the pain is. Write the book you would like to read. Write the book you have been trying to find but have not found. But write. And remember, there are no rules for our profession. Ignore rules. Ignore what I say here if it doesn’t help you. Do it your own way. — Every writer knows fear and discouragement. Just write. — The world is crying for new writing. It is crying for fresh and original voices and new characters and new stories. If you won’t write the classics of tomorrow, well, we will not have any. Good luck.

― Anne Rice

Shape Up or Ship Out

Oh, go away unwanted thoughts

You’re not welcome in my parlor 

Say goodbye and immediately depart

We are no longer acquainted 

Go away before I take this dagger

And plunge it in my brain

Or swallow this pills I’m counting

With a chilled glass of expensive champagne

I will open the window for you

If you will not depart I might do

The job of leaving your presence 

Where I’m going you can’t follow

Are you not tired of my company

We’ve been together a long time

Please don’t come anymore it’s over

This is the moment we say goodbye…

Inspired by the Daily Prompt

Seasons

Time remorselessly rambles down the corridors and streets of our lives. but it is not until autumn that most of us become aware that our tickets are stamped with a terminal destination.

I’m well into the autumn of my life and everyday I feel the chilling wind of winter approaching fast…

 

THE Y GENERATION CLICHÉ FEAR OF BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP

Looking at society lately, I’ve come to notice that many people suffer from an unexplainable fear of not being in a relationship, or in other words, being emotionally independent, single and alone. You see people rushing in and out of shaky and unstable relationships, exchanging possessiveness, dominance, ego loads, negativity and very rarely do they get to share life. It’s like as time went by and habits changed, the concept of being in a relationship and the ways these commitments are dealt with, shifted towards the worse and all of a sudden, it became the norm… Read the full article here

No Title

Misery always looks better in B&W.

No Man’s Land

I know it could be you. I realized this upon our first meeting (?) the very first time we have “spoken” to each other I mean. You made me… curious, which is rare. Normally I don’t give a damn about what’s going on around here. You made me think otherwise. Nothing you have said is coincidental. Your written thoughts show that much. Of course, it also helps that you’re one of those so few intellectuals lurking in this site. You understood early on that in order to get through the walls, you have to romance my brain first; that, you did, successfully.  It might have taken a few years to do it but you’ve got this far. I’m telling you, not so many managed to do that. You’re interested. That I could tell. As to what extent, is until now a puzzle to me. You never show your hands. You’re careful enough to veil your true feelings. Or maybe I am just reading too much into it. Typically me.

I remember the first indication that I’m harboring a soft spot for you is when I found out that you are romancing other brains too. I felt a little twinge of ‘curiosity’ and thought: this is bad. I digested everything in silence and went on as usual as if there is nothing new under the sun. I’m good at that. Pretending it didn’t matter. After all, that’s the truth. There is nothing going on between us but few exchanging of words. Nothing more, nothing less.

Maybe it’s all a play for you, a game to spice your life online, to see who is who and what is what.

Like you said: what were your exact words? It’s safer to flirt from a distance? Not true. You can still break a heart from where you are. Not mine though. I simply not made that way. I can experience sadness sorrow and pain but my heart will always be safely intact.

Sometimes I imagine how it is to see you in real life. Would you be the same as I know you here? Would the words have the same familiar ring? Would I fall deeper or change my mind? Pity, I would never find out. For if I’m careful, you’re twice as cautious as I am. Can’t blame you, at your age, it’s almost impossible not to be burn once if not a lot of times. So, where are we? In no man’s land, I guess, like where we are all this time. In fact, I can sense you are pulling away from me; gradually. Maybe it’s for the best. Best for you best for me.

I guess I cannot say goodbye because we are sharing the same cyberspace. I have no right to vanquish you and even I stay away for a long time, I cannot be banished. Not because of you. So, I guess it is quite okay if I say… see you around?

By the way…

Here is the copy of the comment I’ve made but you never see on your space. Sounds harsh but I mean it.

First of all I greeted you on your blog a very prosperous new year on the very hour itself wishing your loved ones the very best. You chose to ignore it, fine by me; it’s your privilege. Then you came here and left the type of comment I care nothing about and now you dare to demand civility??? If your so-called association with someone is teaching you to be like this, then I suggest we better terminate our acquaintance. Wish you all the best still…

Tuesday

Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

– A. A. Milne

Artwork by Kevin Peterson