My words will either attract a strong mind or offend a weak one.
… of the birthdays you will never celebrate or no longer part of
…the life of the people you once knew and still think of
…what could have been if things and circumstances were different and
…of other memories you could have been making but now are just a part of
…wishful thinking.
It is September again.
“There is no such thing as a “broken family.” Family is family, and is not determined by marriage certificates, divorce papers, and adoption documents. Families are made in the heart. The only time family becomes null is when those ties in the heart are cut. If you cut those ties, those people are not your family. If you make those ties, those people are your family. And if you hate those ties, those people will still be your family because whatever you hate will always be with you.” ― C. JoyBell C.
Yesterday I found out via FB that the youngest brother of my late mother died. Away from the family in a foreign part of the country. He was just two years older than me and as old as my sister Maricor whom I’ve never seen since I was 15 years old. She ran away and never came back.
I’ve met my uncle only on three occasions but those meetings had a huge impact not only on both of our personal lives (though I did not realize it then) but on the lives of all people concerned. I will cite misunderstanding as the main reason for the drama. Misunderstanding from all sides and the mistake never been rectified. Partly because I never have the urge to depend. He never (as far as I remember) find it necessary to either admit or deny,. Largely because we I guess both know that nobody will believe. So, the myth still lives and will be a continue reminder to future generation never to walk the same path.
The first time I’ve met him was at the funeral of my grandfather. I was seven years old, he was nine. We travel far to attend the occasion. We lived in the middle of nowhere remember? And my father will never be good enough to the eyes of my maternal relatives. Too poor and too uneducated to be fully accepted.
I don’t remember much about that time. All I can recall was the saw dust that covered almost everything on sight.
The second time we met, I was already in junior high school and studying in the capital while working as a house sitter to pay my tuition. He used to visit me and put me on the front of his bike and we drove around in the rain while he was singing Nothing Gonna Change My Love For You by Glen Medeiros. I enjoyed his company. He was sweet to me. He said my mother was his favorite sister therefore I was his favorite niece.
I did not know when and where the rumor start but it happened, and I did not understand how and why. I still don’t.
Okay, I was the only one who could make him tear apart from the gambling table. I did not even have to do or say anything, my presence was enough. He skipped work just to be with me and only going to wake up if I was the one who woke him up. He bought me coke and hamburger whenever he came home late from work and watched me ate them. He guarded the door of the public toilet in their block so I can take a bath safely he said. They say he was a drunkard but I never seen him drunk. Likewise with drugs. If he was a user, I never seen an indication of it. To me, he was just a pleasant person. Easy to get along with. Friendly and cool.
He avoided being in the same room/house with me alone. He said it gets warm when I’m around. He told me he will tell me something important one day. He refused to elaborate. He said it was not the time nor the place.
That his mother threw us out in the middle of the night I don’t understand. We came home from strolling around the neighborhood and the next thing I knew our clothes were flying everywhere. My uncle while picking up the mess said to his mother and everyone that nowhere in the bible stated that it is a sin to fall in love with a family member. In fact, he said, if those holy men didn’t sleep with their mothers, daughters and sisters, we will not be here at all. I failed to grasp the meaning of what he said that time. I was too young and too naïve. And____
For the record, my uncle never touch me maliciously or indicate something of that kind. He never show or hint anything untoward to my person. Never. That’s why I can’t understand why years later, I was already married and living abroad, he was working overseas, he sent me letters after letters, professing his undying love for me. On one occasion, he even tried to convince me to elope with him somewhere nobody knows us. I declined. I told him I don’t feel that way for him and besides, we carry the same family name.
He never married.
The last time I saw him was when I was processing my papers to join my then husband here in Europe. He helped me to queue for the necessary papers. We said goodbye at the airport and I never laid eyes on him again.
Now he is dead and the truth died with him. So be it.
The clarity is deceptive, lending treacherous verisimilitude to what is largely a fabular whole, for in other places the story is worn, nearly transparent, radiant but oddly featureless, as the lives of saints sometimes are.
I knew of this song since I was a small child yet I wasn’t aware that there is an English version of this till the other night. I was watching a (comedy?) film and the lead character sang this in such a passion that brought tears in my eyes. ( I told you I’m starting to mellow with the passing of years. In my book, disgusting.) I wrote a poem with a similar contents a while, while back about a professor I thought I had a crush back then. And of course that one (ultra) forbidden affair that I should have never embark in but no regrets.
Here is the song:
“Forbidden”
(from “Miss Granny” soundtrack)
Like the stars in the night that I love to behold
You seem near in my sight yet so distant to hold
You’re somebody forbidden for me to possess
So this love I’ve long hidden, I try to suppress
All night long, all day through
How I long for your kiss
I love you, how I do
Yet you don’t know of this
There’s somebody who found you
Before we have met
While her arm’s still around you
I have to forget
Forbidden love, forbidden lips
Can’t even touch your fingertips
Forbidden smile, forbidden face
Your love is such forbidden grace
If at last though I tried
Getting you off of my mind
My heart still couldn’t hide
My true feelings behind
All I ask is forgive me
For loving you so
And don’t look back as you leave me
It’s forbidden, I know
Forbidden love, forbidden lips
Can’t even touch your fingertips
Forbidden smile, forbidden face
Your love is such forbidden grace
Forbidden love, forbidden lips
Can’t even touch your fingertips
Forbidden smile, forbidden face
Your love is such forbidden grace
One and a half feet in the past
Unable to fully move on
Present is dull and boring
Vague interest in the future
Torn between fantasy and reality
Who also is in need of quaranfling?
If it will not alter my today, why not?
I have a few names in mind.
In fact, some of them I would like to meet again.
But experience taught me that things like that could complicate situations a great deal. So, I guess better not.
Who out there (like me) is craving/dreaming/ fantasizing about something like this?
It used to be my backyard. I grew up in places (yes places) like this one and that time like most people who are living in what westerners called “paradise” I didn’t realize how lucky I was. I wish to go back there right now. Not to live but to breathe, away from hassle and bustle of the rat race and soak the atmosphere and for a while relived the memories of my youth, when in spite of the “circumstances ” life is a little bit simpler.
There was this gorgeous natural pool between two mountains with cute, small waterfalls descending from one side and a river with a reasonable fast current down on the other side with a picturesque bamboo bridge across.
I like the place because it was kind of private, peaceful and the fauna and flora were simply breath-taking. I was stripped down from the waist up and ready to hit the water when I saw her.
She didn’t see me at first; she was deep in thoughts concentrating on negotiating the narrow, steep path leading down to the pool. She was wearing a blue bikini with a green and yellow flower pattern with a matching pareo tied around her hips. She was so beautiful! The sight of her almost took my breath away.
When she was almost at the bottom of the steps, she saw me. A strange mixture of surprise and fear (?) registered on her face. But that was only for a fraction of a second, she quickly pivoted on her heels and run!
But I was quick. I only wanted to stop her and talk, thinking this is maybe my only chance to catch her alone, I simply could not let her go away.
I caught up with her easily. This is my terrain, my playground; I know the place better than anyone, I grew up here, negotiating treacherous surfaces is second nature to me. She, on the other hand, is a city girl. Too bad for her.
When I reached her something I never planned happened. What I did was___ grabbed her, turned her towards me, pulled her closer, and kissed her passionately. It happened so fast she didn’t get the chance to react. Why she must taste so sweet and so soft to hold I right away lost control of myself?
I pulled her even closer against me, she let a moan, she said: “Oh, Michael.” And went limp in my arms. My knees buckled, my legs turned to Jell-O, my mind went blank, and suddenly the world had stopped from turning. I heard thunder and lightning everywhere and I was stiff as a pole.
When I carried and laid her on the grass, she did not resist. It was starting to get dark. When I lay next to her; she closed her eyes and bit her lips. We kissed hungrily for a while, touching, exploring. I was only beginning to discover where everything is. I never realized that a kiss could taste like heaven I didn’t want to stop.
The moment I removed her bikini top, she gave me a look I had never seen before anywhere or from anyone in my life. Not even on her. All I know was what the look did to my blood ‒ boil!
When I pulled the rest of the bikini all the way down, she clung to me passionately, we’re like two people drowning; very fast and there was no tomorrow. When I entered her, I thought I was going to pass out from ecstasy. It was good. No, better than good, better than anything I have ever experience so far, it was worth dying twice over.
When I murmured in her ear that I have no idea it would be like this, she said: “You don’t see nothing yet.” And she showed me. Not one, not twice, but six times over!
We laid side by side afterward looking at the moon.
Then she said: “Now, what?”
The last time I felt alive – I was looking into your eyes.
Breathing your air…. touching your skin…
… Saying goodbye…
The last time I felt alive… I was dying.
He was both everything I could ever want…
And nothing I could ever have…
Every quote, every book, every film seemed to suggest that ‘one day’ someone would come into my life and love me with an intensity and a passion I had never experienced before. And to their credit they were right; It all came and went so fast it really did feel as if it were just ‘one day’…
If you’re searching for a quote that puts your feelings into words – you won’t find it.
You can learn every language and read every word ever written – but you’ll never find what’s in your heart.
How can you?
He has it.
You can miss places. You can miss people.
Just know that what you’re really missing is the way things were. And even if you could go there again…. see them again…. you can’t go back.
They’re not the same.
You’re not the same.
The loss of them changed you.
I try to do something positive – I socialize more…
But deep down I know the truth.
An entire world of people can never replace the one that I’ve lost.
It’s the intricate details you miss the most.
For me, it’s the soft lines around the eyes when he smiles… Or that look he gave me sometimes that I cannot begin to describe – but I would know it if I saw it again.
It was the look that gave him away.
I’d know that look anywhere…
It used to be my everything.
You’re everything to me.
But at best, I’m just a memory to you.
It hurts that I was just one page in the book of your life…
But what hurts more is knowing you’ll revise that chapter someday…
….. and you’ll erase me completely.
I still think of you every day.
But I’m trying not to let it hurt me with the same intensity that it used to.
And as painful as that is, it still kind of warms me to know I will always carry a part of you with me.
Though life has fated that we never cross paths again, don’t ever feel alone. For we are parallel …. and I will always be by your side.
Everybody wants their own little place in the world. And maybe mine is here… Loving you from a distance…
(Quotes by Renata Suzuki)
I don’t know how long we stay that way, but we watch the sun go down together. The giant, burnt-orange sphere sinks towards the horizon, coloring the rock layers until it’s gone and the canyon is covered in shadow. ―
I once had a best friend I could talk to for hours. We could philosophize endlessly, oblivious to the passing of time. I remember one afternoon I knocked on his door lay next to him in bed and we started talking. We didn’t realize it was night already. Only when his brother snapped the light on and asked what on earth we were doing in the dark did we noticed that indeed it was already that late. We look into each other’s eyes and giggled. Nobody understands.
And that one time we were drinking on the terrace whole night, sitting on the balustrade, feet dangling in space ignoring the danger, just concentrating on the two of us, the outside world locked out. Suddenly, we saw a flame behind the mountains and we thought: fire! There was a fire out there. But of course, it wasn’t fire. It was the sun rising up. Night owls as we were, we rarely saw the dawn for we used to sleep the whole day and only come up when the sun goes down already. Vampires, they called us. Since then we decided to go dawn watching on the top of the mountains. That was magical moments. I miss it sometimes.
Hij werd koel, afstandelijk, emotioneel onbereikbaar. Nooit een lief gebaar, nooit een vriendelijk woord, nooit een compliment.
Let’s translate it in English…
He became cool, distant, emotionally unattainable. Never a sweet gesture, never a kind word, never a compliment.
… and you got the gist of my first marriage.
Add to that violence, deception, cheating, manipulation, emotional physical and psychological abuse and the picture is complete.
Why I’m saying this?
Some of you might think that I’m not yet over it. That after all these years I have not managed to move on despite what I stated in my new year resolution. The answer is yes and no.
Yes, I have moved on but no I didn’t forget. I wonder if I ever will.
No, I’m not living in the past. Not anymore. Yes, I still suffer the consequences of that traumatic experience.
Why not let the sleeping dogs lie.
Instead of digging up old bones.
No reasons.
I just came across that passage (the one in Dutch) and it reminds me of my previous existence. Nothing more nothing less.
Honestly.
Don’t look for further reasons. It is just how my mind works.
We did for a while when I was a kid. Sort of a halfway house when my father was between jobs. It wasn’t that bad really. I didn’t dislike it. Only when the naughty kids in the neighborhood dropped logs from the top of the bridge during high tide and our little place and meager belongings became wet that I sometimes wish we were somewhere else. For the rest, I never recall feeling ashamed of our situation. Maybe because I wasn’t aware that time yet how important social status is and how much it affects how others see and treat you. Wealth, in this society, means respect. In my experience, people treat you better when you are rich. But when I was growing up I didn’t feel I was different than the rest. I did quite enjoyed it actually. Especially the freedom that comes with being dirt poor. More adventures to experience, more spaces to explore, less rules to abide. What could be better than that?
We left the sanctuary of the bridge after one night while my mother was peeing in the corner of our one-room abode, a large hairy hand suddenly burst through the weaved coconut fronds wall and tried to choke her. She was screaming her heart out and we just stood there doing nothing. How stupid is that? The incident caught us by surprise I guess. I don’t know. We were just kids and probably scared shitless. Help was called shortly afterwards. They chased and looked for the owner of the mystery hairy hand but without success. There were extraordinarily large footprints but no evidence who might have caused them. We moved to a barrack inside the fishpond the same night, and that was the start of another adventure. But that is for another blog post.
Soon.
Till next time.
The amount of love you feel for someone and the impact they have on you as a person is in no way relative to the amount of time you have known them.
It’s painful, loving someone from afar.
Watching them – from the outside.
The once familiar elements of their life reduced to nothing more than occasional mentions in conversations and faces changing in photographs…..
They exist to you now as nothing more than living proof that something can still hurt you … with no contact at all.
― quotes from
MY OWN PRIVATE IDAHO 
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