Tag Archives: life


I always let myself be distracted by small details, the troubles that can fill any day, any week if you let them. I neglect to sit back and enjoy the overall experience. I keep thinking that once this and that is repaired and this is solved and that is explained, then I can sit back and relax, savor the air, the scent of roses. As if life were a garment that had to have every minute wrinkle ironed out of it, that had to be perfectly smooth before it could be worn. Knowing that nothing is ever perfectly smooth…



One morning, in 1817, Beethoven
realized that he’s now deaf. I can see him
sitting, almost crying, as he tries to
hear the sound of his piano keys.
When you ask me why don’t I trust people
more often, I tell you a story
about this man who killed his wife,
and then jumped from the Golden
bridge with his newborn child.
If human relations were a subject,
then I am the student who secretly
cries in the bathroom because he can’t
understand what the fuck is happening.
You think you know anxiety? Imagine
thousands of pebbles in your feet. Imagine
drinking a salty lake. Imagine starting
a forest fire that destroys the whole goddamn
town. I say I can’t handle love. It feels alien.
It feels like sleeping in a bed that’s not mine.
And you say, look at Beethoven — he composed
magical tunes even after turning deaf. What makes
you think you can’t overcome whatever the
hell this is? And I say you won’t get it,
because to you, believing comes easy.
Did you know Beethoven loved a woman,
but couldn’t marry her because she was rich?
So, he composed Moonlight Sonata wishing
someday she’ll give it a listen.
And I keep wasting ink writing
letters that you’ll never read.
I think Beethoven knew what I mean.

~ The Honest Musing 



The life I have painstakingly stitched together from the fragments of ruins which is my heritage and the little I know of happiness are always been threaded with pain. Yes, I take momentarily pleasures, mostly from little things and enjoy moments but those are just little patches hiding the multitude of scars and bleeding wounds which is the fabric of my being… 



That’s the word to describe everything that surrounds me these days. Let’s start with the weather. After it tricked the plants to sprout early and flowers to bloom outside the season, it decided to play a cruel joke of freezing them all back again. I wonder what spring will be like without the usual colorful arrays of the usual which signal the changes of season. Last year was bad enough when all of my spring flowers died before they even had a chance to open. I remember looking at my pergola laden from top to bottom with dead wisteria bloom. And my Hydrangea! I had to cut them to the ground, poor babies. Their leaves all turned brown after a few nights of freezing temperature. The last time I remember being this cold was 25- 30 years ago. It’s minus 17-21 degrees in the daytime for crying out loud. Could we still pretend global warming doesn’t exist?

And my fast declining health… that’s another dim prospect. Don’t worry I will not bore you with the details. Enough to say that between now and two years if it will not slow down I will be in a wheelchair. The only thing that keeps me standing still is sheer will. Most days I seriously considering to end it all because of unbearable pain. If I will not wake up one of these days preferably tomorrow, I will be grateful. That’s how bad it is.

And when your health is in jeopardy then everything is in question. It’s a snowball effect. A vicious circle. Your life as you know it will never be the same again. I’ve been through a lot from the moment I was born. Circumstances that most people will not even dare to imagine but I didn’t mind because I said to myself when the going gets tough that as long as I have myself and I’m more or less okay, I can crawl out from the deepest pit of hell and start all over again; which I did countless times but this time, how can I when I can’t even properly move. Not fair.

What else is dim in my life? 

I am still not on speaking terms with my daughter. My son, I didn’t hear for quite some time now. I refuse to talk to my best friend of more than 30 years despite her pleas to see me. She sent me letters and cards, there were phone calls too but I don’t want to saddle her with my troubles. In fact, I don’t want to see people these days. I am still not ready to show them my current status. I’m too proud. I rather they think that I’m a bad person than take pity from anyone. I’m crazy that way.

The only light in my fast becoming dark cold world is D. He goes out to work in freezing temperature without complaining even though he doesn’t have enough sleep most nights because of massaging me for hours. He shops food after work, clean the house on weekends and provide me within his means everything I need and a lot more. He said yes to everything I decided to do no matter how strange it may sounds, put up with my irks and quirks and look at me lovingly even though I must be a picture of a nightmare. Thank God for little mercies. Only I don’t believe in God. Not anymore. Without D, my universe will not be dim but dark. Pitch dark and I have no means and strength to crawl out.

They say life throws challenges and every challenge comes with rainbows and lights to conquer it. But then again they also say: 

All shadows of clouds the sun cannot hide
like the moon cannot stop oceanic tide;
but a hidden star can still be smiling
at night’s black spell on darkness, beguiling…

I think it’s enough for now. Till next time?

A woman participates in a candlelight vigil in support of women safety in Mumbai


I realized that I had lost too many people. People who left me, and people I left. People who stopped loving me, and people I never stopped loving. People who forgot me, and people I will never forget. In between the silence of outgrowing people and the heartbreak of striking differences, life slapped us all into reality.

From far, I see a young man arm-in-arm
with a woman, and he is walking as if
there’s spring in his feet. And he sees me,
and he smiles in the way men do when
they think they have made it. 
And I feel sad: I say you poor bastard.
Sooner or later, they all leave,
and your legs will tire out. Give it few years,
and you won’t even be able to pee standing.
He’s wearing a fancy cologne; he makes a joke
and the woman giggles. Maybe she says
how funny he is. I can see he’s feeling proud.
His chest bulges, his shoulders are upright.
And he again looks at me. And I feel sad:
I say you poor bastard. Soon enough,
you will slur, and you will drool. And she
won’t be there when you wet your bed
because you’re fucking old. I imagine the day
when he first finds out the cruel joke that
has been played on him. Oh, I fear for him.
Now, he’s laughing as she almost falls into
his arms. And I feel sad: you poor bastard.
The weather is beautiful today.
Laugh while you still can.

~Honest Musing via Facebook



Don’t ask me if I am doing good. I am never good. I am always torn. I am still a half dangling cigarette waiting to burn out. I always carry a tiny portion of sadness in my back pocket. I am feeling a whole lot of things together to have space for something as insignificant as being good.

If you ask about my feelings, expect an honest answer. If you want to get to know me, then expect to drown. If you want me to love you, then expect the intensity to burn down your guts.

I don’t do things halfway. I don’t have the patience for your games. If you want to be around then at some point, I will be too much. I will either love too much or be too melancholic or be too caring or be too dramatic.

I hope I don’t scare you away. I don’t mean to, but I won’t apologize for being myself. But I will try everything I know to be there for you. I will try to love you in all possible ways.

I don’t have many redeemable qualities, but I know how to stay. Or let’s say, I don’t know how to leave.

Will you walk with me?

~Hadik Nagar



Pull to refresh. Again and again. You’ve zero new notification, but you don’t know what to do now. So, there’s always Facebook – scroll away. Someone uploaded the photo of their food – like it. No, wait, heart it. Keep moving. Slowly. Steadily. Absorbing every irrelevant meme and information that’s been thrown in your direction.

Now, switch the app – go to Instagram. Scroll more. Explore. Did you get another DM? Check once more. Like random photos. Follow for follow. Look around. Is there anything worth capturing? Or just take a selfie. Try the new filters. You can make a Boomerang too – fake laugh for it, because the real one is any way rare these days.

Open the chat window. Type something. Backspace it. Delete. Send hi to 7 people, and then wait for their response. I know. I get it. We don’t know how else to deal with this gnawing loneliness. Talk with emoticons, because just words are no longer enough.

But there’s something more – do you feel it too? The anxiety, the pull of sadness, the sensation that something is off – but you just can’t pinpoint what. So, Google it. Search ‘how do I know if I am doing okay?’. Some 6946766668 results in less than 2.5 seconds. Open the first link, validate yourself: you’re fine. You don’t need to change. The world will adjust. You just keep slaying.

It’s 3 AM now. And you can’t sleep. Open incognito tab. Search for porn. Pick what you like. Masturbate while thinking about your ex. Wash your face and hope that this feeling of dread goes away, but it won’t. But it doesn’t. So, ask the Internet obscure things – am I depressed? Will I be fine? What’s the meaning of life? Why doesn’t 2+2 equal 5?

Close all the tabs. Lie on the bed. Turn and twist. Listen to something, but you just can’t fall asleep.

Open your phone again. Pull to refresh.

You’ve 1 new notification.

There. Do you feel any better?

-Hadik Nadar



Dale Carnegie once said:

“One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.”


“People tend to dwell more on negative things than on good things. So the mind then becomes obsessed with negative things, with judgments, guilt, and anxiety produced by thoughts about the future and so on.” 

Said Eckhart Tolle.

I say:

People are never satisfied. When they get what they want, they want more, bigger, better things. The cliché the grass is always greener on the other side is not just a cliché. If we care to admit we all know that there is some truth, a lot of truth in that old saying. We never stop craving, wanting, fantasizing, obsessing for all the things we don’t have yet. We are convinced life would be better if we have what we are dreaming of. And those seem to be always out of reach because once we got it there will be something new to obsessed about. And those become our goals trying our very best to achieve the things we think we need while complaining about stress depression lack of time burnout and all those conditions that make it impossible to relax and have peace of mind.

What to do then?

Continue as it is. Why? Because no matter what I or anybody would say, people will go on living their merry lives in their own familiar old trusted ways. We are creatures of habit and habits are hard to break. It doesn’t feel right when you do it. We go to shrinks, self-help groups, weight watchers anonymous this and that and it will work, or seemingly working, for a time; then all of a sudden we will get a moment of epiphany and we will begin to question our motives and before we know we are right back on the old track.

And why is that?

Because it feels good to have a goal, inspiration, motivation, a driving force that fuels our desires so we have a reason to wake up in the morning go to work and swallow all the bullshits we encountered on the road, it stops us from killing our bosses co-workers spouses children neighbors and the dogs and cats or whatever pets we have that take so much of our already so little precious time. It stops us from setting our double mortgaged houses landscaped gardens and state of the art we barely can afford cars on fire. It stops us from jumping off the cliff or bridge if you prefer or hang ourselves or at least packing our bags to have an indefinite vacation in the loony bin. It helps us to go on. You know what they say…  A life without dreams is like a garden without flowers.

Whoever said that never heard of foliage gardening. Forgive my muddled thoughts. I’m loaded with tranquilizers and still sleep deprived. Not because I’m thinking of bigger and better things but because of the pain. The pain… I will go up and lie down for a bit. Till next time?


The Two Of Us

I wonder what Adam told Eve after
he realized that she bit into the apple,
and now their entire world will tumble.
And God will do what Gods do and curse
them to burn in the eternal fire and abandon
them from the home they built.
And I see the guilt in Eve’s eyes, and she
looks at Adam and realizes that it’s over.
Just yesterday, they ran around, naked,
in the Garden of Eden, and laughed about insignificant
things, and spoke without
ever saying anything. But now, they know
about right and wrong, and nothing makes
sense anymore because that’s what
happens when the mist disappears. That’s
what happens when we uncover whatever gory
details hid beneath our veils.
You, too, will realize one day that we’re
two terrible people who are trying to be good.
But it won’t work because the world
will keep scaring us and we will
keep scratching each other out of fear.
I can see Adam running away from Eve, hiding
so that she doesn’t see him. And I can imagine
you treating me like a goddamn stranger.
We ate the apple, and the Gods are pissed.
So, they let us create something.
Only to watch as we destroy it.
-the honest musing via Facebook


There are no schools that teach us about the reality of real life. There is nowhere we could enroll to learn how to be a good parent, a perfect partner, or how to make relationships endlessly exciting let alone last. There are no courses to follow on how to forgive and forget, or how to heal a broken heart. Where to go if you are suffering from unrequited love?

Of all the fancy high tech gadgets training courses hype spiritual disciplines and whatnot available out there these days, still they can’t come up with something as simple as how to juggle the many aspects of here and now without losing your sanity. How to survive adolescence without driving yourself and your parents crazy? Sure there are self-help books out there, coaching programs and coaching techniques etc. etc. but they are not real schools and I have yet to see it works.

And I am not even talking about situations that fall outside the box labeled ‘normal.’ That’s a long and winding road that never leads to any door so, we will not go there. Not today.

If someone, anyone diverts ever so slightly from the optical illusion road that the majority deem straight, they have only two choices if they don’t want to be ridiculed and cast out: pills or anything to do with psychiatry or psychology. If I am a kid nowadays I will be very scared just to be me. They give tranquilizer these days to active kids who they accused of having ADHD. Why ADHD right away? Can’t it be that the child is simply more energetic than the rest of the class? And then if a kid is quiet, they give him/her pills for depression. Shocking! 

How about schools for learning not to be fake, lie, cheat and deceive? Schools to learn how to be honest, respectful, and content instead of being cruel and materialistic? Are there establishments we could go to to learn how to deal with people armed with those traits? If there are schools to acquired a degree in amnesia and how to cure insomnia, I will sign up right away. No second thought.

Unfortunately, it is all up to us to tackle what fate decides to throw on our paths. There are no universities to apply to learn how to survive. In this vast complicated urban jungle, no matter what degree you have or which walks of life you came from, when it comes to facing the problems of real life, we are all neophytes…