New Year’s Resolutions

Cliché? Passé?

Whatever.

I’m going to make a list this year.

What is going to be?

Let’s see…

Avoid consuming meat products.

Global warming climate change related? Absolutely! But that is not the reason why I’m doing it. Animal abuse is the propeller behind my motive. How many times I saw fragments of animal cruelty in the news and vowed not to eat meat again but time after time failed. Don’t get me wrong. I am not carnivorous by far. I preferred seafood than anything else but still… I consume meat products at least once a month. This year I will do an extra effort to ban it altogether from my menu.

Doing only the things that nourish my soul.

Done with keeping the church in the middle and duty calls. From now on, I will not be bullied/ forced/ propelled for whatever reasons to do things I don’t want to do. Yesterday I attended a Christmas brunch with people that either there because it was expected of them but clearly wanting to be somewhere else or they are there because of some obligations. A duty of commitment. That was me included. What is the point for crying out loud? I also found out that (as if I didn’t know already) whatever I do, people will never change their initial perceptions of me. Why bother then? Better stop pretending.

Concentrate on improving the quality of life and focus on personal growth and development.

My aim this year is to live the good life and practice self-care creating an environment that best suited my needs and follows the path towards not happiness but satisfaction and contentment. I want to be in touch again with my surroundings and myself, clearing the mind of unnecessary baggage and carry only those that are essentials to my being. Back to the basic is the road I wish to take which hopefully leads me to a more peaceful existence.

Listen to my body.

In an attempt to silence the chaos in my head I tend to ignore what’s my body is telling me. I go on and on till I’m so exhausted I can’t sleep nor rest. Of all the things I want to change for the better this coming new year, this is probably the hardest to do. I am used to this kind of method, torturing myself in order to feel alive, diverting myself from the chaos in my head so I can go on not living but existing. I never face my demons, I have given them free rein, carte blanché to create havoc in my thoughts forever inhabiting the corridors and rooms of my mind. To banish them is to feel empty, alone and lost. In fact, that is assuming from my part. The truth is I don’t know how it is to be without these familiar companions for they never leave. Even in my sleep, they populated my dreams or it is more appropriate to call them nightmares because that’s what they are_ miserable monsters.

But I will try anyway. Sweep away the cobwebs, open the windows and doors, let in the light and purge the air. Get rid of the skeletons, remove the clatter clean the place thoroughly disinfect the wounds and let them heal. Stop scratching go out more and smell the flowers.

That’s it I guess. I will add more if I think of some crucial changes that have to happen in order to lighten the burden of this existence most people insist to call living.

Here’s to another year!

P.S.

I decided not to sweat the small stuff so I’m adding Don’t sweat the small stuff to the list.

Let go.

…of the things that burden me, weighing me, stopping me reaching for the light. Time to fly, time to soar, time to reach my destination. Be free, be light, be enough.

Stop living in the past. 

I always did that. One foot of mine is firmly planted in what had been, always looking back, stubbornly holding on to memories. It’s time to let go,  live in the present and forget the past. Okay, forgetting is maybe a long stretch unless I suddenly get amnesia but not live there anymore. Let bygone be bygone. A very hard thing to try since it’s really a dilemma_ you can’t go back to the past but you can’t escape it either. I will give it a shot anyway. Nothing to lose everything to gain, right?

Wish me luck.

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Ghost Of Christmas Present

The threat of Christmas hung in the air, visible already in the fretful look of passersby as they readied themselves for the meaningless but necessary rites of false jovialities and ill-considered gifts. – Peter Dickinson

For three years in a row now, I failed to decorate for the holiday season. What’s the use? No one will come to visit, we are not going anywhere, I don’t feel the spirit of Christmas, so why bother?

I don’t even believe in God anymore. So, why should I celebrate his supposed birthday? Too much ‘ado about nothing. If I have one single reason why should I decorate, I would probably do some effort. But I have none. Not anymore.

It used to be different. Before, I will put up Christmas decorations on the first of December and let them hang till after the 6th of January. In my country of birth, we celebrate the longest Christmas celebration in the world, starting in September and will last until January or even February. In my current situation and location that would be outright ridiculous not to mention tiring.

A lot of things happened since then. Too much to even mention. Let’s just say I am not in a festive mood these days.

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A New Year Has Tiptoed In

Time has no divisions to mark its passage
there is never a thunder-storm or blare of trumpets to
announce the beginning of a new month or year.

There is nothing magical about the flip of the calendar, but it represents a clean break, a new hope, and a blank canvas.

I cannot wish you …

I cannot wish you good fortune
knowing that good fortune is what you are, while bad fortune is just a mistaken identity

I cannot wish you all the things of earth
since earth itself is yours and that is sufficient, while all the rest will never be enough

I cannot wish you the things you want to see 
when much unseen is also here waiting for your denial of mind that refuses to see 

I cannot wish you strength or courage to conquer the troubles and tribulations of life
because you alone are the master of limits and imaginary lines

I cannot wish you an easy and safe path in all your ventures
safe and easy paths are unworthy of the worthy

I cannot wish you any kind of freedom you may seek
life is the proof of freedom ; seeking is your prison ; expectations are your guards

I cannot wish you any kind of happiness
heart is too blind to be content in the certainty of reality, excellence and immortality of things 

I cannot wish you good health 
the voice within asking ever provoking questions is your health ; fear that silences you is your illness

I cannot wish you anything
as long as life is about being instead of having

Maybe holiday season is just not about wishes and celebration at all
maybe, just maybe, it is just a reminder about the power of state of mind

What else than state of mind can make things look beautiful when in fact they are ugly
what else than state of mind can make things look ugly when in fact they are beautiful

Let the New Year be the year in which we choose to be the masters of the mind and not its slave.

No brooding over old worries, let’s start a new series.
Forget about all the negativities, think of new possibilities.
Here to conquering a new frontier, that’s all I wish in the upcoming new year.

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Compilation of quotes from Goodreads

New Year: A Dialogue

MORTAL:

“The night is cold, the hour is late, the world is bleak and drear;
Who is it knocking at my door?”

THE NEW YEAR:

“I am Good Cheer.”

MORTAL:

“Your voice is strange; I know you not; in shadows dark, I grope.
What seek you here?”

THE NEW YEAR:

“Friend, let me in; my name is Hope.”

MORTAL:

“And mine is Failure; you but mock the life you seek to bless. Pass on.”

THE NEW YEAR:

“Nay, open wide the door; I am Success.”

MORTAL:

“But I am ill and spent with pain; too late has come your wealth. I cannot use it.”

THE NEW YEAR:

“Listen, friend; I am Good Health.”

MORTAL:

“Now, wide I fling my door. Come in, and your fair statements prove.”

THE NEW YEAR:

“But you must open, too, your heart, for I am Love.”

-Ella Wheeler Wilcox

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A Christmas Story

Up and down the streets she ran
With a black satin sack in hand.
Filled with sharp knives
She planned to end lives.

From house to house she crept so quietly
Looking almost, no, indeed shadowy.
But she was not alone with her sack
There was something riding on her back.

Green eyes gleamed riding through the night
Glaring around so full of spite.

“Who are you?”
A man’s voice asked
“You don’t know? I am not masked.”

“Get out of here! What do you think you’re doing??”
“Out of here? I think not. You are the one I’ve been pursuing!”
“Pursuing? You’re nuts! Get the fuck outta here!”

“Right now I can feel your fear!”
“Ha! That’s rich. I’m not scared”
“Like I even really cared”
“That’s it, I’m calling the police. They’ll have you pinned.”

The shadowy girl just grinned.
The man went for the phone
In one second he hit the floor with a moan.

Those green eyes glared down
“Ha! What a clown”
What a sweet voice.
The man looked up at those eyes
“Time to say your goodbyes”
With one swift move of a vase that man was gone.

“This isn’t so hard now is it?”
The shadow shook his head
The blood flowed red
“We have a long night ahead.”
He kicked the pieces of vase
“Yes, I know, Sweet face.”

With that the shadows did flee
That man didn’t even get a chance to plea.
Hours passed
This town sure was vast.
They went tapping down the road
Carrying the sharp load.

“Let’s go home now, honey.”
She huffed. 
“Quickly now, before it gets sunny!”
Up the stone pathway she ran
At the door they gave the town a brief scan
“I’m dreaming of a red Christmas.”

She turned the handle of the door
“This time of year is always such a chore!”
He sighed as he hopped from her back
She tossed down her big black sack.

He swept the dirt from his clothes
“The living should thank us”

She brushed her hair
“Those we killed were too much to bear”

She hopped up on the windowsill
“They made me positively ill”

She stared out into space
“And…back to my loving place”
She turned to her evil little doll
He leaned on the wall.

“Wanna open presents now?”
He smiled
“My goodness, child”
He laughed quietly under his breath
“What a quick transition from the subject of death!”

~Disclaimer: Though I found this piece among my old documents I doubt if it is mine. I am not this wicked 😉

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The Perfect Gift

When I was fresh from the boat and still feeling my way around here one of the things I learned was whenever you received a gift the giver expects you to open the package real time. I find it quite scary. In my country, we are not obliged to do the same, we can keep the present and open it privately in our own time which I personally prefer; in this manner, we could avoid an embarrassing situation in case the gift is not to our taste and spare the feelings of disappointment from both sides.

Opening a present from a live person was scary enough. There was always the chance that the gift might be so wrong, so completely not the kind of thing you liked, that you’d realize they didn’t really know you at all.”

― Carol Rifka Brunt

Over the years, I learned to fake enthusiasm and gratitude whenever I received a wrong gift, each time praying the giver will not see through the facade and hoping they are genuinely surprised and grateful when it is the other way around.

They say it is the thought that counts but like I said in one of my previous posts, believe you me, the theory about its- the -thoughts –that- counts- can only stretch so far.

What about you?

Which do you prefer?

Open what you get real-time or have a private moment to yourself to unfold spread and enjoy your present?

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We’re Almost There

Countdown to Christmas… Is new year resolution still in fashion? Or Que Sera Sera is the ‘it’ approach these days? Is the thought that really counts or deep down inside everyone’s dream present is the one with the priciest tag? Me? I don’t expect anything. That way, I would save myself loads of disappointment(s)… If I have to alter something this coming year, that would be___ to learn to relax, to have a proper sleep and to get out more. Basically the same M.O. each year.

How about you?

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Conversation

Another year came and went. It is gone before I can get used to it. Life seems to be passing (me) by quickly and at the same time days seem to be getting longer. You got that when you’re alone. I guess.

Here we are standing on the threshold of another 365 days of blank pages waiting to be stamped on with our personal stories. Last night I thought: What could I do differently this year? Maybe I could venture out of my cave more often, be neighborly, do some courtesy visits to my guests, especially those who take time to pass by my space. Learn to market myself better, be more active in social media, join groups, participate in prompts, be a part of (blogging) communities, in short: be everything I’m not. 

I will definitely try to be more mobile and occupied, resume my interest in being out in nature instead of gallivanting around cities (being alone most of the time I thought it would be a change if I could be around people I have nothing to do with) buy less of those things I don’t need, concentrate more on experience instead of material possessions, be more adventurous and daring like I was before. 

Yesterday while on the road (to buy another succulent for my growing collection acquired out of nothing better to do in these cold, dark months and I thought I can’t garden outside why not do it inside) I decided to record my dreams and all those doomed scenarios that are always playing in my head 24/7. I read somewhere that the best way to forget things is to put them on paper. Perhaps if I write about them, maybe they will disappear and lessen the bursting pressure in my head.

Maybe I will make peace with my daughter. In second thought, better not. She crossed the line. There is no way back. Besides, she made it clear countless times (which I chose not to hear in the past among so many other things I ignored when it comes to her) that she doesn’t want me to be part of her (every day she said) life. Now, her wish is granted. 

I vowed to enjoy life this year. Try not to worry too much, take things as they come and chase every silver lining out there. In short: Carpe Diem.

To be continued… 

I’m hungry.

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Daily Prompt: Conversation 

A Fabulous Wonderful Christmas And A Sparkling New Year

Let the new year roar,
With Glitters and twinkles …
Sing, jump and enjoy,
Do not choose one, do it all

Make a party every day,
Seize every moment
Dance like the stars in heaven,
With all the nice people you meet

Just keep on dancing
In a wonderful new year
Sometimes on your own,
But more often with each other

My wishes to all of you.
Are love and attention
When you need it but
Most of all when you less expect it …

Happiness, joy
And making fun
All you want and can,
In your own special way …

Lights, lots of lights,
Shine with each other
And that they let you sparkle,
Now and in the coming new year!

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Hopeful

In the last two years I wrote 741 posts, have 45,045 views, 17,759 visitors, 16,513 likes, 7,331 comments and 1007 followers in WordPress alone. I’ve been nominated for countless awards, especially in the beginning but yet to accept one. All of these are more than I could dream and hope for when I started this blog. I thought nobody would pay attention. I have no niche, my posts are uncategorized, my ramblings like my moods are often dark and out there; in short: not everyone’s cup of tea. But miraculously there are people who find my blog interesting enough to read and even follow, I’m immensely grateful for that. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

What I’ve been doing this year aside from blogging… Well, I published three E-books and I am currently writing my first novel and have 71,954 words on paper so far. I still have four E-books to publish next year and the concepts of book two and three of my novel are steadily forming in my mind. I already know where to go, the trick is finding out how to get there successfully and converting the images I see in my head into words that are cohesive and understandable (and of course readable) for other people. I’m inspired, I’m hopeful, I’m determined to follow my dreams and see where it lead me. Happy New year to all and here’s to following our hearts’ desires and let’s not forget to bring our brains with us. We need it to keep our feet on the ground and to talk some sense to us once in a while. Success everyone!

P.S.

I don’t believe in resolution. I will just continue what I’m doing and take it from there one day at a time following my feelings and instinct sharing my thoughts and those of others who move me and tickle my curiosity and see what happens, hopefully something wonderful. I love surprises good or bad but have no expectations so there will be no disappointments. I will continue to try my very best to reach out to the readers and who knows I will find more kindred spirits.

happy-new-year-2015