Like I said so many times before, betrayal by your own flesh and blood is the worst betrayal of all. No one can get over that. The wounds will never heal and will bleed at the slightest touch. If you cannot trust your own family, then who you can trust? If you are not safe within your most intimate circle, would you ever feel safe amongst strangers?
If you have been betrayed by your nearest and dearest (over and over again) you will have trust issues whether you like it or not. It happened to me. And naive that I was I refused to believe the truth that was staring me in the face all my life. I thought I meant something to them other than a meal ticket, we’re family after all. But sadly I was wrong. It took me five decades to realized I was and will never be anything to them but a source of income, someone to provide all their material needs. Not a single time they asked me how I am, never show a single ounce of gratitude, not even a superficial thank you. No, they thought and still think they are entitled to everything I worked for and everything I have and could earn. Care is something alien to them when it comes to me. I was the one who got away, and they hate me for it.
It hurts. And the subject of a family will forever be a very sensitive issue for me. Home and love of blood relatives are something I did not and will never have. It is hard to accept and I still lay awake some nights thinking about the hows and whys but life goes on and I have to move with it no matter how painful the experience is…
What will it take to make you desperate? How bad is the situation before you lost control? Did you experience being so agitated and distraught you thought you will get hysterically mad and start hurting people? Are you the kind of person who becomes easily unhinged? Or do you think you got it all together, conducting your life in an organized fashion, methodically and efficiently? Perhaps you are somewhat in the middle, some days you’re frantic other days you’re okay. Though you are not asking, I can tell you in all honesty that I go through life sensibly and quietly but once in a while I feel murderous and when I’m in this state, all bets are off.
“I think, well, I’ve had a shit of a life, all things considered. It wasn’t fair. Everyone I’ve ever loved is dead, and my leg hurts all the bloody time… But I think, any God that can do sunsets like that, a different one every night… ‘Strewth, well, you’ve got to respect the old bastard, haven’t you?”
I’m a big big girl
in a big big world…
My daughter tends to be self-centered. Her focus seems to be evolving around herself. The rest is side issues. One time I mentioned my thoughts to my son. He said to me:
“Mama, it doesn’t matter how small and mundane her problems are or if she is overreacting or not. The bottom line is for her they are extremely serious and that what counts.”
He also said when I asked him why he always gives in to the whims of her sister that it is because the tears are real and he can see the pain in her eyes.
He was talking about a bed. A double bed he just bought for himself but his sister fancied for crying out loud. I cannot say I understand but I guess I have to be thankful that they get along fine. Tragedy brings people closer they say. I guess that’s what it is. They share a very strong bond through painful experience.
An inefficient virus kills its host. A clever virus stays with it. James -Lovelock
Why it is that this above quote reminds me of a lot of things?
All of them something to do with relationships.
The words symbiotic leech parasites convenience familiar family marriage and friendships are floating among so many different (un)related terms in my head.
They say women tend to overthink situations. (What a sexist remark!)
Perhaps I am just doing exactly that. As usual.
But then again…
I don’t know…
How much we have to swallow before we say we have enough?
What can I say?
I am a poor Asian immigrant woman in the west.
Need I say more?
My mind who (because I view it as a separate entity) refuses to accept defeat is my talisman.
I may have a Gothic view of life, but I’ve never been a pessimist.
But for a long, long while I have believed that I was until one day when once again faced with obstacles I suddenly realized that is not true, exactly the opposite in fact. I found out that time and time again in the course of my existence when everything seemed hopeless; times when I encountered walls and there seemed to be no way out, dead-end wherever I turned; those were the moments when my mind taught me to paint doors and windows to break out. And beyond that, we created meadows, fields, hills, beaches forest oceans, mountains, and rainbows. We did it to have something to look at, to hope for. To go to.
When everything seemed lost, We made escape routes; paths to tomorrow, because we could not accept defeat, we cannot just stop and accept. There has to be a way out somehow, always… and we will find it no matter what…
This week, share an image of your happy place, a secret spot you love, or a faraway location you return to again and again.
There is a garden I never failed to visit each year. It is called The Gardens Of Appeltern in The Netherlands. With over 200 show gardens in 200 acres of grounds, it is difficult not to find something to inspire anyone no matter what one’s personal taste might be. The place is teeming with ideas! There is even an island with room for children to play. It gives them something to escape and explore. And for us adults, gardeners or not, there is something new and different to experience and discover around every corner. But what I like the most is the peacefulness, the serenity that the place gives me. It is possible here to be alone amidst other visitors because there is always some quiet corner you can retreat to if you need to be on your own for a while. I love the place. I love their motto.
“A garden should be one of the pleasures that make life more comfortable, a place where you can relax, work, play, be together with others and enjoy all the good and healthy things in life. A garden is one of the prime necessities of life, a place where you will be happy to spend your time.”
‘The Art of Thought’
Describe four stages of creativity: preparation, incubation, illumination, and verification. Incubation means giving your thinking so far to your subconscious and then sitting back and waiting or better, giving the conscious mind something useful to do.
~ Graham Wallas
I always let myself be distracted by small details, the troubles that can fill any day, any week if you let them. I neglect to sit back and enjoy the overall experience. I keep thinking that once this and that is repaired and this is solved and that is explained, then I can sit back and relax, savor the air, the scent of roses. As if life were a garment that had to have every minute wrinkle ironed out of it, that had to be perfectly smooth before it could be worn. Knowing that nothing is ever perfectly smooth…