When The Truth Hits You Hard Squarely On The Face

She lost her identity. She tried her best to save what’s left of the relationship but in the end, she failed. She poured her whole heart and soul into making it work but it just wasn’t good enough. Now she’s feeling drained, weak and exhausted. She doesn’t even know herself anymore because she’s in too much pain. She can’t remember what she was as a person before you came into her life.

All she is now is a reflection of suffering and brokenness. Every time she looks at the mirror, tears fall down her face. She wishes to be the person she was before; charming, full of energy, and happy.

But she can’t. There’s a massive void inside her heart and she keeps beating herself up all because of one person. She feels like she’s not good enough. All she does every day is she’s fighting to survive with every deep breath and every wipe of the tear.

Do you see know what love can do to people? It’s like a double-edged sword. It’s either you’ll feel so alive and your heart starts pounding, or you’ll be on your knees and struggling to breathe.

Unfortunately for her, it was the latter. You know why? Because you broke her.

~ Unspoken Thoughts via Facebook

 

Trip Down Memory Lane

I was so excited when I came across this image.

It catapulted me back to that one summer day many years ago when I was driving a Porsche, his Porsche, and his hand slowly crept up along my thigh. 

I could not do anything. 

I could hardly let go of the wheel so, I said:

“Yeah baby, a little bit higher.”

Suddenly, he withdrew his hand and didn’t utter a single word anymore for the rest of the journey.

He dropped me off at the village church and I never saw him again.

27 years old, blond blue-eyed and an only son of a wealthy factory owner.

No regrets though. Besides, I’m not into blond.

This is What it’s Like to Live with Borderline Personality Disorder.

My struggles of living with a borderline personality disorder — the suffering, the hopelessness, and the light.

“You’re too much.”
“You’re Intense.”
“You go zero to 60 in .2 seconds.”
“Stop being sensitive!”
“You must like chaos.”

I consistently replay these quotes in my head. The people who spoke them have come in and out of my life.

I feel emotions far more than the average person. Although on the surface that may not sound entirely life-altering, it’s crippling.

I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder.

I live every day on the surface. Every emotion is ready to be set off—no matter what. When I’m happy, I’m euphoric. When I’m angry, I’m a monster. When I’m sad, I’m depressed. I have no in between. I’m either green or red. I have no yellow.

Putting my disorder into words is impossible. My mind is a maze, and it makes me sick to even think of it.

All I want is to be close to people. I want a relationship where I can share, love, be safe, but I become “too intense” and “too much” for anybody to handle. So, ultimately, I’m left with nobody. It’s a terrible cycle.

I suffer every day. I suffer with feeling overwhelmed all the time.

I find it difficult to communicate. What I feel in my heart and my head doesn’t translate. I can love you with my mind, body and soul while my words are the exact opposite.

I’m not trying to start drama and I’m not an attention seeker. When I “overact” it is not easy for me to recover.

I hurt. I hurt others. I’m depleted at the end of the day.

I am constantly afraid of the idea of being alone; abandonment is hell. I latch onto people and let go before they are able to let go of me.

Many believe that I am mean, narcissistic, a manipulator.

My moods change consistently and I have zero control over my emotions. I feel everything 24/7.

I was told there are two Monicas. The “Monica I love” and “the disorder.” The “real Monica” is nurturing, empathetic, passionate, enthusiastic, loving and happy.

Once that Monica is gone, you’re left with “the disorder,” which causes manipulative behavior, lying, distorting reality and pessimism.

How is it possible to have these contradicting traits locked into one human?

I’m going to open up my heart. I’m going to become vulnerable. I am going to be raw. There have been nights I didn’t want to be alive. There have been spirits of what I’d like to call “insanity.” I’ve had moments where I ran into the street while the one I love chased me—and I was hoping and praying a car would take me out of my misery.

Out of the pure pain of thinking the one I love would leave, I’d bang my head against a wall as hard as I could, hoping I’d be knocked out.

I tried overdosing three times October, two years ago. I’d had enough. I was bullied out of college and couldn’t handle the pain. I couldn’t handle being abandoned again.

I wanted to die.

I wanted people to care about me. No matter what it took. I wanted people to hurt and realize their wrong-doings. I wanted to punish the ones who didn’t understand. I wanted them to hurt as much as I did every single day.

When I’m down, I’m at rock bottom.

When I hurt, everyone needs to hurt.

I’ve read articles upon articles on how to deal with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder. I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s nothing uplifting to be heard. I read constantly how people like me drain the ones around us. We drain the energy out of the ones we love. We leave them with nothing.

I’m here to tell you that although I’m difficult, I am worth it.

You may not understand me 100 percent of the time. (You may not even understand me five percent of the time, but I am still human.) I feel emotions to the extreme. I long to feel accepted and cherished.

Do not be afraid of me.

We as BPD sufferers are the “difficult ones,” but we aren’t impossible.

-by Monica Adrian Patro

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“A mess of gorgeous chaos” is the perfect description of Monica Adrian Patro. Words that flood from her mouth can cut you deeper than a knife or sound like the Angels from above. Understanding the monsters she holds is far more complex than one could rationalize.

Inventory

“Four be the things I am wiser to know:
Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
Four be the things I’d been better without:
Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
Three be the things I shall have till I die:
Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.”

― Dorothy Parker,

You don’t look fake when you unconsciously pretend

It is an illusion that youth is happy, an illusion of those who have lost it; but the young know they are wretched for they are full of the truthless ideals which have been instilled into them, and each time they come in contact with the real, they are bruised and wounded. It looks as if they were victims of a conspiracy; for the books they read, ideal by the necessity of selection, and the conversation of their elders, who look back upon the past through a rosy haze of forgetfulness, prepare them for an unreal life. They must discover for themselves that all they have read and all they have been told are lies, lies, lies; and each discovery is another nail driven into the body on the cross of life.”

― W. Somerset Maugham

I am the master of my fate I am the captain of my soul

“I picked up each fragmented piece of me and studied it. Where did it belong? Did I need it anymore?”

If I start doing that, I may end up with nothing but the core.

Which is not bad I guess because that’s all we need to build and rebuild ourselves.

When I was younger, I never let obstacles bother me to the point of giving up. In fact, I never entertained the notion of throwing the towel in. Something inherent in me never allows those kinds of thoughts to even cross my mind.

Fell down?

No worries.

Get up, dust myself and walk on. Forward. Always forward and never look back if you don’t want to go that way again. I never question. I never blame.

I thought: It’s okay if I lose everything. As long as I have myself, I can start all over again.

Only when I reached a certain age I started thinking about things. Wondering about the hows and whys the ins and outs and doubts began to creep in.

I’m not anymore shoulder on charge it to experience and forget about it.

Suddenly I want explanations, justifications, and answers.

Never get it though.

I started to be scared too. Fear of the future and what it may bring.

I guess if you have nothing, you are not afraid of losing.

On the other hand, if you build and become used to a certain way of life, then you have everything to be afraid of.

You see, there is a limit. An expiration date to all you could do and tolerate before. You realized that your energy, your vigor, your optimism, and enthusiasm are not bottomless. Your ability and strength to bounce back are not that superelastic anymore. Not only the time (your time) is running out, but also your patience and perseverance. You will wake up one morning to find out that you are tired of running and want to rest, declutter your life in every way and embrace minimalism.

You are ready to settle and enjoy the fruit of your labor.

But what if life is not done with you yet?

What if it decided to test you all over again, toss you around to see if you are still as resilient as before?

Then, my friend, you got a problem.

What to do about it?

Nothing.

There is nothing you can do if fate wants to play.

Either you sign in or___

You sign out.

Summer In My Heart

As the weather gets colder and silvery frost continues its crawl, it’s hard not to miss the warm days of summer and its bright colors. ~DeviantArt via Twitter

Unlock joy in any situation!

True understanding and mutual respect do not bridge blames, destructive, negative criticisms, false excuses, and gossips. To express disappointments and ill-feelings are normal however to gossip around certain people and events in order to put another person down and destroy one’s credibility is a form of bullying whether one expresses it publicly or privately.

Beware of segregation, regionalism, individualism, discrimination, stereotyping, destructive criticism, false accusations, biased wrong assumptions, prejudice, senseless comparison, and unwanted competition because life is much more meaningful to live for where there are unity and harmony.”

― Angelica Hopes

Pain As A Constant Companion

I (think) I finally found out why I am cruel to myself__

Because feeling pain is better than feeling nothing.

Legacy of the Heart: The Spiritual Advantage of a Painful Childhood

Adults who were hurt as children inevitably exhibit a peculiar strength, profound inner wisdom, and remarkable creativity and insight. Deep within them – just beneath the wound – lies a profound spiritual vitality, a quiet knowing, a way of perceiving what is beautiful, right, and true. Since their early experiences were so dark and painful, they have spent much of their lives in search of the gentleness, love, and peace they have only imagined in the privacy of their own hearts.” 

― Wayne Muller

Valentine’s Day – The Poet’s Holiday

Let’s hear it from Ernest Hemingway

“If my Valentine you won’t be,
I’ll hang myself on your Christmas tree.”

How’s that for emotional blackmail?

Mr. Sandman Is A Creepy Boogey Guy

I’m obsessed with sleep. You all know that by now.

Just recently my GP prescribed me Diazepam for muscles spasm and -you guessed it right- insomnia.

It doesn’t work.

What it did was gave me nightmares.

My nightmares like my dreams are in technicolor and complete. Beginning.  Middle.  End.

Like a movie.

And

They are either this or this.

But mostly it is just Sleep paralysis.

You know… the

…sounds such as humming, hissing, static, zapping and buzzing noises. Voices, whispers, and roars. Fear and panic. Sensations of being dragged out of bed or of flying, numbness, and feelings of electric tingles or vibrations running through the body. Hypnogogic hallucinations, such as a supernatural creature suffocating or terrifying me accompanied by a feeling of pressure on my chest and difficulty breathing. A menacing shadowy figure entering the room or lurking outside the window, while yours truly is paralyzed.

That, and a lot more.

Like I’m about to change into something else and I can feel my skin and bones splitting, forming and rearranging.

Tempting though to let it happen and see where it brings me, I have a strong inkling that if I let that happen, there is no way back, so, I have to wake up.

Mostly this happens when there is a full moon or when the moon is waning or waxing. Basically, all the time.

My sister called me a Lunatic.

Funny coming from here. But I took no offense. She called me also a paper doll.

Family.

They say

Either you hate them or love them.

I’m neutral.

I don’t feel anything.

What about you?

Do you have a similar experience?

Nightmares. Not family.

Well, do you?

Crab Mentality

“When emerging from humble beginnings, those around you tend to underestimate your authenticity because they knew you before you were ‘somebody’.”

― Criss Jami, Killosophy

And often times, they will never forgive you for escaping, for managing to change your life in spite of… and most of all, for not bringing them with you. They will expect (demand) you to haul them out from the pit without their help because you made it. Therefore, if you can do it for yourself, you can do it for them. And if you refuse or fail for lack of cooperation, then you must be a very, very bad guy who doesn’t want anyone to succeed for the fear of losing your own sparkle. They will revel in your failure. They will hate you no matter what because you escaped.

They will spread lies about you to ruin your reputation and to establish themselves in the eyes of the public as victims. Lies are easier to believe than truths especially amongst those who are in the same boat. They seek solace and validation with one another. And for the others who are on the other side of the fence, underdogs tend to get the sympathy of the public, aren’t they? It is hard to pity someone who doesn’t want/crave pity and above all, fortunate.

People are blind.

How else they can overlook the fact that those who are condemning you are the ones who are guilty of the very crime they are accusing you of?

None is so blind than those who refuse to see.

And to watch while passing judgment is by far the safest option.

No matter what__ Life goes on.