Today the tender buds of hope, tomorrow blossoms.
July Once Again
Just forget for a minute that you have spectacles on your nose and autumn in your heart
I’ve failed and made some major mistakes in my life, but that’s what happens when you’re out here trying new things and pushing yourself to the limit. I’ve always wanted a great life and was willing to work hard to get it. I’ve tasted the bitter taste of defeat and it makes victory that much sweeter. Quitting was never an option for me. When you have a spirit that never quits you are a champion.
It’s in in the business world today_ to be agile. Especially in IT. They have agile consultants functioning as coaches, managers, facilitators, and everything you can think of. I should know, I am married to one. Mind you I have yet to see his agile side and managing capacity at home. His facilitating techniques and coaching methods think it is still early days. He must be good. They will not pay him a lot of money if he isn’t, will they? Maybe it’s me. I can’t follow conform or be govern. Unless I see that the methods are working and the leader is worth following. So far, I’m still waiting for some signs. I wonder how much more time must I wait. My time and patience are running out…
You receive some wonderful, improbable, hoped-for good news. How do you celebrate?
It depends on the news I guess. As it is, I’ve been waiting to hear some good news about a certain thing for over two years now. If one of these days I heard that it finally happened, I will probably don’t know how to react. Disbelief would be the first thing that would cross in my mind, followed by relief, then acceptance. Then I will pack my bags and leave. Doesn’t matter where is the destination. Anywhere but here…
Sometimes I give up…
Sometimes I just sit back, and wish I was someone else, living another life.
I just feel that I can’t take any more.
I have tried so hard to understand, to accept, to agree, and to move on from the pain,
but it’s like a great weight, pulling me back, holding me down, and engulfing me.
I sometimes wonder what the point is in trying to sort things out,
given that I have to fight tooth and nail sometimes to be heard.
It would be so easy to run away to disappear to not be seen from, or heard from again.
Deep down I know I won’t be missed.
Deep down I know that I didn’t matter.
Sometimes I think that life is getting better,
and yet there is this gaping wound that is not healing.
I don’t know how to face it,
but I know that I will be facing it alone.
I sometimes I wonder where my friends are,
and what happened to all the people I have know and loved.
I sometimes wonder why they are gone from my life,
and if it was my fault.
Sometimes I just wonder if I think to much,
if I’m caught in a cycle of self reflection,
that ultimately has trapped me into feeling self loathing,
and self doubt.
I sometimes wonder if I have ever loved at all,
or did I just pretend so that I could feel love.
Maybe I don’t have the capacity to love,
or be loved.
Sometimes I wonder if I will smile and laugh again.
If my spirit will fly free and soar,
or will I spend the rest of my days alone,
trapped in an isolated self-created prison,
to which I no longer have the key,
or the understanding to escape.
I sometimes just wonder why,
but know that road leads to madness and insanity.
Still, they are better company than loneliness.
They are much better company than fear.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s all a dream,
and if one day I will wake up and find out that I am someone else,
and that I have another life.
The truth is sometimes just too painful to bear.
I sometimes wonder what happened to the dreams I had,
and the future I once wanted,
I wonder what happened to the life I once had.
Sometimes I think I must have dropped it along the way,
or put it down somewhere and forgot about it.
Sometimes I wonder why I believe that things will get better,
when the reality is that belief is fleeting.
What I want, what I need is a moment that I can believe in,
that I can hold on to,
and worship when the darkness comes.
I sometimes just wander,
and try to loose myself in a memory,
anything to escape the dreadful certainty that my time has gone past,
and that I missed the sign pointing me the right way.
And sometimes, just sometimes I believe that tomorrow just might be a better day…
When I was young I thought that thirty is the end of your life. You cannot possibly want something more when you reached that number. You’re old, finished, done with; the only thing left to do is to wait for the inevitable. When I was young, I thought thirty is palliative. Literally.
Now that I am fast approaching the afternoon of my life, I found out (in a hard way) that you never stop feeling simply because you get older. Years don’t diminish the desire to be loved, to be wanted to feel beautiful; it doesn’t take away the urge to feel connected and the longing for intimacy. The only difference is you want quality instead of quantity. Taste improves with years of experience. Preferences change. You can compare and know what’s best; you know exactly what you want.
Funny thing is (not that I am in that situation already, but I know it will come, another one of those inevitable) beggars cannot be choosy (and so they say) the offers are a lot less than when you are in your prime. Magazines are full of articles that say women in their 40’s onwards are invisible. Must be or otherwise, the titles won’t say: “How to still get noticed when you reached a certain age.” Or “How to turn back the years and get attention again.” Things like that. Very depressing. As if the only way to regain your rightful place in the hunting ground (or in any field for that matter) is to possess a magic wand and let those accumulated years and its consequences disappear and be young again (no wonder cosmetics surgery is a booming business) which is impossible. No amount of power and money can turn back the time.
But enough of that. Let’s concentrate with what matters and that is: getting old in a relationship that saddled you with desires that can never be fulfilled, expectations that can never be met, longings that can never be satisfied, an emptiness that keeps getting bigger and bigger each day it is threatening to swallow you up. Another inevitable? The fact that no one can live like a ghost albeit your former self. The amount of nothing is nothing and sooner or later you will look for what you need elsewhere. Maybe you will never find it but it is better to try and fail than just sit there and wait for something to happen…
I bought myself a life long sentence looking for my rainbow connection…
Lately I’m beginning to rely more and more on my archives to find articles to post on my blog. I simply have no time to write new ones. Since the weather change for the better I find myself saddle with a lot of things to tackle on top of the daily routine and bits and pieces of my ordinary life.
Suddenly there is roof, gate, driveway and patio to wash; perennials to dig, move and divide, hedges and trees to trim, spent flowers and ornamental grasses to cut, the pond needs cleaning so is the gutter and the garage needs some tidying up and organizing. Not to mention the house is ready for the annual spring cleaning and of course all those chores have to be done all over again for our country house which is a bit more daunting than doing the same for our house in the suburb because not only the house in the country is three times bigger, I have a real cottage garden there too as opposed to landscaped one we have here near the city. And anyone who has a cottage garden knows how hard it is to keep and maintain one. It seems easy for it has relax abandoned atmosphere but looks can be deceiving believe you me. And of course there is the vegetables garden as well…
Another thing is (now that the weather is good) I prefer working outside than sitting on the front of the computer. As if all those things that seemed important last winter don’t hold any significance anymore now that the sun is shining. All I want to do is go outside and explore, watch the things grow and listen to the birds singing. I even resume my daily afternoon walk after work. The day is getting longer and I have more time to roam and relax. In the weekend I find myself visiting garden centres again to look for new wonderful plants to add to my collection or just to walk around and observe. It’s nice to see all those possibilities one can have if one chooses to.
There is a lot of work to be done but I’m doing it with lightheartedness and enthusiasm. Spring is truly magical, full of life, hopes, inspirations and new horizons to explore. I can hardly wait for the flowers to bloom.
I will fall in love someday.
I will find the one who can make my body sings my heart melts and my spirit soar. I will feel like a woman once again like I used to, I shall smile run shout sing and dance in the rain with so much abandon. There will be sunshine, long glorious days, passionate nights and tender evenings. There will be endless caresses tight lingering hugs sweet murmured and hot kisses. I will dream the lovers dreams wake up contented go through my chores with springs on my feet knowing someone is there for me loving knowing understanding sharing the same feelings. Together we will explore what life got to offer discovering testing proving tempting the fate supporting each other all the way learning experiencing enjoying the roller coaster ride. He will be my rock my anchor my friend my saviour someone I could trust learn depend and lean on. He will be my lover my teacher my mentor.
He will be my home…
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