Not For Thee

“Leave your children behind. They would be better off where they are than with you.”

Someone said this to me when I decided to choose freedom a long, long time ago. And I’m glad I listened because no matter how much I love them I have no right to play with their lives and gamble their chances and opportunities of having a better future than the one I could possibly give them.

Like I said in one of my posts, my children suffered enough. Others will drag their offspring with them no matter what even if that decision is not for their own good in order not to be labeled as a bad mother, I will never do that. I would rather suffer myself when I know that they will be taking care of in best possible ways with resources that was and will never be at my disposal even if I work day and night. I asked though, once the preliminary troubles had subsided but they refused. Again, I understand. I have no right to uproot them from their safe habitat and take them away from their friends and the only family they know. The only regret I have is not seeing them grow up on a daily basis, not being there in the moments itself when they need a mother ASAP. Like my daughter said: the worst had passed already when I managed to arrive. Living closer to them is not an option. Too dangerous.

Why don’t I think my decision would apply to others? And why wouldn’t I give this advice to anyone else?

Because I’m almost sure they would not follow it. Often, people are selfish, egocentric, self-centered and image conscious. Their main concern is what suits them and what makes them feel better and what will make them look good to the eyes of the world. Seldom they put others first especially in cases like this. But the main reason why I would never give this advice to anyone is: goddamn it hurts! It hurts to be separated from the most precious gifts you ever have and love and cherished most of all. It hurts missing them in the night, agonizing over their safety and well-being. It hurts not being able to hold and smell them and not seeing them grow before your eyes. It hurts not being there to share their triumphs and sorrows.

It just hurts.


DP Challenge: Not For Thee

perfect companion

I have a weapon in every room. No, not a gun (though I prefer to have one but…)

In the master bedroom, I have an axe which I bought accidentally without even knowing I did. I mentioned it already before, being in a DIY shop and admiring this beautiful little axe and testing the weight in my hand. In my memory, I put it back; but when I checked out I found that the cute axe was among my purchased. I didn’t return it. Not even crossed my mind to do so.

In the guest room I have this gorgeous ice pick. It feels good in the hand and looks so… harmless. I keep it in the laundry basket. The axe is hidden between my clothes. In the other bedroom there is a hammer, sleek and thin and all steel. It got a slim neck and easy handle of perforated rubber material for a good grip.

Kitchen… also a hammer but in different style, square head and really, heavy.

I know the place by itself is an arsenal, I don’t have to secure it one might say, but I feel better that way. Besides, anyone would know about the knives; but I’m the only one who know about the hammer (grin)

Next to the TV is a real axe, almost as tall as me. I found it in the shed when we bought the house. Must be for chopping wood, but I like it so much I wanted to hang it on the wall; but I can’t do it without damaging too much the already damaged wall, so on the floor it remains.

Why on earth I have these things? Same reason why I am locking doors of whatever room I’m in, I don’t want to be surprised defenceless. I remember buying two; no three massive bronze cats with extra long necks (for easy grip) from auction and putting them on my night stand simply because I thought it will come in handy. And I even hate cats!

And of course all that beautiful fireplace accessories! Poker and all! Handy.

All my candle holders are bought with the same purpose in mind. I can be anywhere in the house and I will be able to depend myself (ha ha) I remember the look on everyone’s face when I decided to put grills inside the French windows of the garage.

But they don’t see what I see. I can understand why they have to put locks and bolts and that entire security thing on doors but will leave the garage at the mercy of anyone who wants to come in. That window there take up the entire top half of the whole place, and it’s not even double glazed! Amazing!  It’s like saying: come in, come in.

What my-reason-for-living-in-Europe thinks about it…? I don’t really know. As far as I can see, it doesn’t bother him at all. He said he sleeps better when I’m in the room (God knows what that means) and I sleep better when nobody is around. I cannot even stand a smell of another individual on sheets and pillow cases. I want the room to smell fresh forever and its damn difficult if someone is insisting to sleep in it…