Edge

What can possibly go wrong in a day? The answer is plenty. Let’s start last weekend…

Middle of the highway on ordinary weekend afternoon going to the shopping mall. There was no other option. The weather was as usual abominable. It was good we’re not teasing each other (like we always do when the boredom strikes which practically every second of every day now) not even talking in fact or otherwise we could have been dead.

All of a sudden a car materialized from nowhere and slowed down almost to a halt. I know there was no way D. could avoid a collision. I was not driving but I can drive. Anyone who can know what I mean. Driving is automation. You don’t forget how to drive. Your skills might decline out of practice but you still can. That was why I knew that moment the inevitable will happen and I braced myself for impact, both front and back.

I didn’t know that a human brain can process millions of thoughts in a nanosecond. While I knew that we’re heading for possible death, I was kind of hoping D. can manage to pull to the right all the way to the shoulder. Okay, that might be a stretch in a three-lane highway but it was better than being in the middle with a big truck behind us.  

What D. did was the last thing I thought he or me myself was going to do in that situation; he pulled to the fast lane instead with one-handed swift motion flooring the car to the max slaloming between vehicles and came out unharmed. I thought we were dead. And at the same time expecting a major pile- up behind us with explosion and all, similar to those big budget action movies directed by Michael Bay. None of those happened. We were back cruising as if nothing was wrong in the world. I congratulate and admire the driver of the car directly behind us for executing the same maneuver D. did with success. I am still not able to process the thoughts up to this very moment.

——————————————————————————

Lately, I am not able to sleep. I have always been insomniac. My seasons are reversed. I am awake in the night and sleep in the daytime. Like a vampire. But at least I could sleep. Not anymore. Since my condition declines rapidly all sort of things are happening to me but I will not trouble you with boring details. Enough to say that it’s getting worse.

Today at two o’clock while reading in bed I noticed that my jaw (which they told me years ago needed a reconstruction because the pain in my neck is causing it to tight-lock- temporomandibular joint syndrome) had difficulties moving more than usual. Out of habit, I ignored it together with other pains I am experiencing lately and continue reading. A moment later I was drenched in sweat all of a sudden (not the usual sweating associated with menopause syndrome) and trembling uncontrollably and my vision swam in and out of focus I thought I was going to pass out (which happened anyway minutes later thank heaven it was only for a moment)

There are few similar cases in our country that I know of that have the same symptoms, one of those is breaching a post-partum recovery period of six weeks. Recovering from flu and failing to rest resuming hard work is another. I saw the signs from other people including my own mother. But none of those applies to my current situation so I don’t know what to think. All I know was/is I have to recover my strength. D. was not at home (still not when I’m writing this and I’m still shaky and not quite myself) I am alone. I have to keep my wits with me. Going down to search for anything sweet had proven to be an ordeal. I practically crawled my way downstairs.

Finding a source of quick energy is difficult in our house. We don’t keep unhealthy things around. Fruits I can’t digest as well as raw vegetables and doctors prescribed them out of my diet unless I put them in a microwave oven for a minute till they are soft. The only thing I could find was a half-empty jar of unsweetened peanut butter and I gladly devoured them with four slices of multigrain bread and a glass of milk while sitting on the kitchen floor leaning against the cabinets. My stomach turned over and threatening to expel the food. Eating anything in rapid succession is a big no-no. My ulcer cannot handle big amount of food, but with breathing techniques and sheer will, I managed to keep them inside.

I’m on the front of the computer now trying to write the experience before my damaged brain and declining memory wipe it out of my mind completely.

————————————————————————

Earlier last week the grandfather of D. died after battling Alzheimer for almost seven years. He passed away quietly in the middle of the night in his nursing home bed. It was not a surprise. I predicted it and told them it will happen in two weeks. His grandmother was preparing the details of his funeral since then. I can talk a great deal about the issue of getting old and dying, loneliness and isolation but I will not. Not this time. Perhaps in another post. But I want to say something about the way older people are easily forgotten by their nearest and dearest saying they have also their own lives to attend to. I want to tell them that’s right, you have a life to attend to, think about that, you can still resume it after your mother or father has died while your parents only have a few more days to spend why can’t you spare some of your precious moments with them, make them feel cared for, needed, loved… deaf they are deaf. They don’t realize (or don’t want to realize) that that’s their future they are looking at. Let’s see when it is their time. Then probably they will know what I’m talking about.

The funeral is tomorrow. I still have to pick outfits to go with the occasion.