Oh my God… Where to begin… Once upon a time?
Tag: daily prompt
Earth
Locked
You probably already noticed that I don’t write as much as I used to, stories like this and this seems to be things of the past; I can’t produce them anymore. Like most of you, I have a list of excuses why I am not able to do it, in my head, they are all plausible and valid.
I keep telling myself it will change, that I will find my groove, my muse, my mojo back. All I have to do is… what exactly? Divorce, be young again, go back to the past, move to another place, be unfaithful and most of all be healthy.
I can’t sit for a long time these days. My fingers won’t cooperate, my sight failing (I’m still waiting for my computer glasses) and getting worse each day. My multi-focal eyeglasses are not even a year old and I already need a new one. My components are deteriorating faster than I can absorb the sudden constant changes in my body. I can’t concentrate. Pain is everywhere and I lack inspiration and motivation.
I used to be free. I can come and go wherever/whenever I want. I had the time and means to do it. Life was a constant adventure. A roller coaster of feelings and emotions. There was never a dull moment. Every second count.
Twelve years ago, I decided to land and settle. I needed a rest, a sanctuary, a haven. The smartest move I made is also the biggest mistake of my life; I become a prisoner of my own decision. I had an inkling that ordinary boring existence is not for me, but I never realize the extent of it and how it would affect my life in general. I lost everything but everything including my freedom- the only thing that is more important than my two children- I sacrificed them for it. Now I have nothing.
I can’t find inspiration in my current situation. It is monotonous and boring. Predictable and bland. Limited. No excitement no passion no surprises. I hate it.
What can I do? Start all over again? Fly away and exchange certainty/security for the unknown? Is it doable in my current physical condition? Dreams and fantasies are alright but would the reality resemble it? Would I regret my sudden change of heart?
Sometimes I think/believe that everything is better than this. That it is better to suffer than be dead while you’re still alive. That I have only one chance to live this life and if I’m not going to do it I will spend the rest of my remaining years unhappy and miserable. Numb and a vegetable. Sometimes I think I have to be content with what I have (which is plenty) stop chasing my fantasies and accept my destiny/faith. Realize that people do get old and have to grow up and be responsible.
But everything in me is screaming for freedom. Every fibre of my body longs for a change. My feelings tell me that this is wrong, wrong, wrong. They say follow your heart and it will lead you where you want to be. Believe me, if I follow my heart, I will be out of here in a minute with only the clothes on my back. I did it once before. It brought me here. Not my first choice but the only sensible ( and still is the best) choice. But I’m dying here. Literally. I am not afraid to die but not this way, meaningless and slowly rotting away.
When I look in the mirror these days I can’t recognize myself anymore. I am not even the shadow of the man I used to be. I become a totally different person with different priorities, set of morals and values. This is not me. I am not a caged domesticated bird nor a hothouse flower. I was wild, I was a gipsy, I was free.
Now, I am locked in my golden cage dying slowly…
Fog
Nothing is here…
When I was small – I sought a home,
a place to go and rest my bones.
Then founded something, of my own,
I lived among the restless stones.
If seeking leads you back to evil,
what good is that, I asked a weevil.
He said a home is what you make,
it can’t be real, if it is fake…
And if you wait instead of seek,
will you find love, or something bleak?
I know (myself) for I have found,
a beauty, hidden – in a sound.
Waiting is boring.
And so is exploring.
A smile is sometimes all it takes.
And then your whole world simply breaks.”
~ Will Advise
Fake
“I despise the rituals of fake friendship. I wish we could just claw each other’s eyes out and call it a day; instead we put on huge radiant smiles and spout compliments until our teeth hurt from the saccharine sweetness of it all.”
― Jody Gehrman
“You will never find the real truth among people that are insecure or have egos to protect. Truth over time becomes either guarded or twisted as their perspective changes; it changes with the seasons of their shame, love, hope or pride.”
― Shannon L. Alder
“Sincerity – if you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”
― George Burns
“Cruel people offer pity when they no longer feel threatened. However, kind people offer compassion and understanding regardless.”
― Shannon L. Alder
“You don’t look fake when you unconsciously pretend.”
― Toba Beta
“Silk is a fine, delicate, soft, illuminating, beautiful substance. But you can never rip it! If a man takes this tender silk and attempts to tear it, and cannot tear it, is he in his right mind to say “This silk is fake! I thought it was soft, I thought it was delicate, but look, I cannot even tear it” ? Surely, this man is not in his right mind! The silk is not fake! This silk is 100% real. It’s the man who is stupid!”
― C. JoyBell C.
“I’ve perfected the art of the fake smile. It’s not so difficult when you are completely numb.”
― Bethany Griffin
“People reject what they do not understand because it makes them feel small. They would rather believe in some other reality, even if it is only an illusion, so long as it makes them feel bigger.”
― Suzy Kassem
“Wearing fake happiness is as good as smearing foundation. A bit of moisture drains it all.”
― Aniruddha Sastikar
“Here too it’s masquerade, I find:
As everywhere, the dance of mind.
I grasped a lovely masked procession,
And caught things from a horror show…
I’d gladly settle for a false impression,
If it would last a little longer, though.”
– Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Suitcase
I don’t expect my love affairs to last for long
Never fool myself that my dreams will come true
Being used to trouble I anticipate it
But all the same I hate it, wouldn’t you?
Giggle
Bedtime
A leaf shudders and moves as a gentle midnight breeze gathers its courage to disturb the peace. It traces a delicate spiral, the lone dancer on a stage that all can see. Just behind a fleck of red pushes upward arching, reaching, tempted to touch the closest thing to it. An outstretched hand allows it to gently settle there, amid that quietness. Now my arm quivers, the wind has found its voice, told all that it still haunts this place. Whispered a tale to captivate an audience, turned its back just as all listened and faded. In that hand, cold, quaking, like a hand that searches for life in a loved one, nothing remains.
Vision starts to distort and before the trees can move to comfort a soul the first tears fill the empty expression that still tries to cheer others. Small tremors quake the shoulders into submission, small tremors force the mind to realise what was lost, what was never caught. In the dark, a tale is told in silhouettes, voices drift on the wind, and images blur and shift. It seems a far off place, a distant dream, too real to be anything else. The tale talks of happiness, of love, of troubles, of joy, of loss.
The feelings deaden within, back to the job at hand as the game face presents itself. A comment on a tired face, some sadness passes my ears. All else is blocked, no colours grace the grass. The fire wanes and dulls. The eyes don’t pierce so much anymore, they don’t see what is snuck underneath this paper thin shell. The winds graceful words beckon not to turn away. A tree sheds its tears, pleads to tell them why. But the colours fade; fade back to blue black skies, to the way things are meant to be. A smile widens, prophesy of a good night ahead. These eyes grow heavy, burdened with guilt for giving in to a colourless world…
~ Ugg43 on DevianArt
Colourful Friday
Colourful Lupines from my cottage garden…
Edge
What can possibly go wrong in a day? The answer is plenty. Let’s start last weekend…
Middle of the highway on ordinary weekend afternoon going to the shopping mall. There was no other option. The weather was as usual abominable. It was good we’re not teasing each other (like we always do when the boredom strikes which practically every second of every day now) not even talking in fact or otherwise we could have been dead.
All of a sudden a car materialized from nowhere and slowed down almost to a halt. I know there was no way D. could avoid a collision. I was not driving but I can drive. Anyone who can know what I mean. Driving is automation. You don’t forget how to drive. Your skills might decline out of practice but you still can. That was why I knew that moment the inevitable will happen and I braced myself for impact, both front and back.
I didn’t know that a human brain can process millions of thoughts in a nanosecond. While I knew that we’re heading for possible death, I was kind of hoping D. can manage to pull to the right all the way to the shoulder. Okay, that might be a stretch in a three-lane highway but it was better than being in the middle with a big truck behind us.
What D. did was the last thing I thought he or me myself was going to do in that situation; he pulled to the fast lane instead with one-handed swift motion flooring the car to the max slaloming between vehicles and came out unharmed. I thought we were dead. And at the same time expecting a major pile- up behind us with explosion and all, similar to those big budget action movies directed by Michael Bay. None of those happened. We were back cruising as if nothing was wrong in the world. I congratulate and admire the driver of the car directly behind us for executing the same maneuver D. did with success. I am still not able to process the thoughts up to this very moment.
——————————————————————————
Lately, I am not able to sleep. I have always been insomniac. My seasons are reversed. I am awake in the night and sleep in the daytime. Like a vampire. But at least I could sleep. Not anymore. Since my condition declines rapidly all sort of things are happening to me but I will not trouble you with boring details. Enough to say that it’s getting worse.
Today at two o’clock while reading in bed I noticed that my jaw (which they told me years ago needed a reconstruction because the pain in my neck is causing it to tight-lock- temporomandibular joint syndrome) had difficulties moving more than usual. Out of habit, I ignored it together with other pains I am experiencing lately and continue reading. A moment later I was drenched in sweat all of a sudden (not the usual sweating associated with menopause syndrome) and trembling uncontrollably and my vision swam in and out of focus I thought I was going to pass out (which happened anyway minutes later thank heaven it was only for a moment)
There are few similar cases in our country that I know of that have the same symptoms, one of those is breaching a post-partum recovery period of six weeks. Recovering from flu and failing to rest resuming hard work is another. I saw the signs from other people including my own mother. But none of those applies to my current situation so I don’t know what to think. All I know was/is I have to recover my strength. D. was not at home (still not when I’m writing this and I’m still shaky and not quite myself) I am alone. I have to keep my wits with me. Going down to search for anything sweet had proven to be an ordeal. I practically crawled my way downstairs.
Finding a source of quick energy is difficult in our house. We don’t keep unhealthy things around. Fruits I can’t digest as well as raw vegetables and doctors prescribed them out of my diet unless I put them in a microwave oven for a minute till they are soft. The only thing I could find was a half-empty jar of unsweetened peanut butter and I gladly devoured them with four slices of multigrain bread and a glass of milk while sitting on the kitchen floor leaning against the cabinets. My stomach turned over and threatening to expel the food. Eating anything in rapid succession is a big no-no. My ulcer cannot handle big amount of food, but with breathing techniques and sheer will, I managed to keep them inside.
I’m on the front of the computer now trying to write the experience before my damaged brain and declining memory wipe it out of my mind completely.
————————————————————————
Earlier last week the grandfather of D. died after battling Alzheimer for almost seven years. He passed away quietly in the middle of the night in his nursing home bed. It was not a surprise. I predicted it and told them it will happen in two weeks. His grandmother was preparing the details of his funeral since then. I can talk a great deal about the issue of getting old and dying, loneliness and isolation but I will not. Not this time. Perhaps in another post. But I want to say something about the way older people are easily forgotten by their nearest and dearest saying they have also their own lives to attend to. I want to tell them that’s right, you have a life to attend to, think about that, you can still resume it after your mother or father has died while your parents only have a few more days to spend why can’t you spare some of your precious moments with them, make them feel cared for, needed, loved… deaf they are deaf. They don’t realize (or don’t want to realize) that that’s their future they are looking at. Let’s see when it is their time. Then probably they will know what I’m talking about.
The funeral is tomorrow. I still have to pick outfits to go with the occasion.
Frivolous
Today I heard that someone I know managed to board a plane (despite of our national airport being closed due to some recent incident which I know you heard of since it is a global news and trending) and landed safely in our home country an hour ago. For the first time in my life I feel a pang of envy. I used to be the one who always going away, I used to be the daring one, the careless one, the one who always going home, sometimes five times a year. Now, I am always the one who is left behind, alone.
There are so many reasons why I can’t go back to how it was. My health doesn’t allow me for one. Two, I have no home to go back to. No family to welcome me and there are no friends left either. And that is what I’m jealous about. I know the very place that someone is going to come home to. I’ve been there myself. I know how beautiful it is. I’ve met her family. Good people. I have walked the very path she is treading at this very moment. I know the feeling, I know the people, I still miss everything. Even the constant rain.
The difference is she really is going home. She was born and grew up there. She walked that road all her life. And that is something to be jealous about. I don’t have roots. She has. I spent two and a half months living her life. My way. The best vacation I ever had. I can still smell the intoxicating aroma of coffee flowers and the constant gurgles of the little creeks along the paths. I can still see in my imagination the way the forest shone with eerie greenish light from bioluminescent fungi. I can still taste stolen kisses in the dark.
No I cannot go back. We parted ways a long time ago. My decision, her fault. That is here where we both live. I cannot go back where she came from. Too complicated. My fault. I should have known. But I knew even then that it was once in a lifetime experience. I even said it to her brother while we’re walking. He didn’t understand. They never could.
I’m good at burning bridges but I don’t want to rock the boat. I got that impact. Seem I always left footprints more deeper than I thought. I know for certain (and by experience) that troubles will follow if I dare to show my face anywhere. Either they consider me as trouble or they are troubling me. Why I can’t have a normal existence?
Sometimes I wish it could have been different. But we cannot choose where we will love or the family we are going to be born into. With all the consequences of course. Anyway, She’s there and I am here. And that is a bitter pill to swallow. Life goes on and around. Reminds me of someone I chose not to be with because of the huge difference in status, education, and prospect in life. After ten years, seems he’s catching fast and looks like he will take over soon. What do you know… Life is full of surprises.
Price
The other day I wrote on my Facebook wall something like this: What I hate the most is women who think you will grab their husbands away from them. When I wrote this I have no specific woman in mind and I am not referring to any specific situation personal or otherwise but rather talking about the subject in general based on what I witness and read online lately. I see a lot of (picture) quotes on the walls of women passing my feed saying don’t touch my man, don’t look, smile, talk etc with my man or otherwise I will kill you in all possible variations. It irritates me to the max, things like that.
They are supposed to be killing their respective partners instead of other women. Others can only try (everyone’s prerogative no law against that) but ultimately it’s the man who is going to make the final move. They always have a choice: To be or not to be (unfaithful) don’t blame others for trying. I for one will be proud if women are chasing my husband but will be signing a divorce paper without a second thought if it is the other way around.
Killing other women for flirting with your spouse is like treating a symptom not curing the root cause. If your partner is a womanizer and unfaithful bastard you cannot do something about that. You cannot change the innate nature of someone. Leave him. Killing every skirt flapping around his vicinity is not the answer unless you want to make killing as your profession or hobby. Like I said, leave him or live with it. No use being paranoid either. My father said if someone is not into you, you can stand on your head, put that person inside a chest and throw away the key he or she will find a Houdini maneuver to get away from you. So simple is that.
Or you can play his game (What’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander) and let him eat his heart out.
MY OWN PRIVATE IDAHO 
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