I do not know what to say….lately it seems we do not have much time for each other. I believe it is my fault as much as yours or perhaps circumstances have also a hand in the matter. What I’m trying to say is that I miss you greatly. I want to feel connected to you. I hate to think that our relationship might already be showing flaws here and there at this early stage. If that is the case, how would it be after a couple of years? I don’t dare to imagine!
You could perhaps understand my concern regarding this matter if, like me, you also allowed yourself to dwell on the future from time to time. Perhaps it is my restless nature that always brings me to this idea. Indeed you are probably right when you mentioned about my familiarity with a certain situation which makes me worrisome. Dare I say I’m scared? I’ve been told before that if certain things keep happening for so long, you kind of expect it.
Why must I feel afraid always? Why I cannot be just like the most of us? Must I always believe that I am not worthy of any love, or kindness? Not even compassion? How I long to be ordinary for those are the happiest of beings.
Was I born in a certain era, I am truly convinced that they would burn me at the stake by just being different. Truly as you have witnessed dozens of times already that indeed I have this gift (or curse) of foretelling and I do possess uncommon behaviour, which only once witnessed in asylums. As if that is not enough, it seems that I was born in the wrong family as well. But that notion I don’t wish to further entertain and if I could I want to forget about it altogether. Ah, the kind of thoughts I’m having in my head sometimes!
Dearest, I don’t know if I will ever feel worthy of you for you are such a fine example of a perfect gentleman. Though you have your shortcomings and weaknesses like any man and from time to time you inclined to test my patience but it does not make you none the less capable and attractive in my eyes.
I for one will always think of you as sweet and forever hold you in highest regards against your contemporaries whom I cannot find a single decent word in my limited vocabulary to describe their general conduct, so I am confined to be silent about it.
I would like very much to believe that I am indeed lucky that you bestowed upon me your undivided attention and lavish me with all the comforts you can afford. How I wish I could be certain about your devotion as well. Though you never give me reasons to think otherwise and yet still I get this ungrounded feeling from time to time that you might…perhaps…oh, it is my doubtful nature again which always make me ill to the core of my bones.
Even though it is surely nothing but just some fragments of my imagination, to me it is real enough to keep me from being merry and robbing me of my night rest. For I am truly certain that one of these glorious days, you will wake up and find me a tiresome nobody not worth a backward glance, and you will discover the truth I keep telling you that I am truly not wonderful nor special and there are some fine young lasses out there who are more suited to you and your needs.
Am I out of my mind? Perhaps! Am I fortunate? No doubt! For I am aware that so many maidens will give their treasured belongings and indeed their virtues just to imagine themselves in my position. And that Sir, I am certain!
So, do forgive me from time to time if I am being silly and not agreeable to it is only my nerves which I am sure would settle the moment I carry your name.
Will remain your affectionate,