I‘m a songwriter with no voice.

I’m pro-life but I want choice.

My black and white pictures are mostly grey.

And in a dichotomized world I lose my way.


I am a paradox.


I’m a musician in my own mind.

And I’m evolving in my own time.

One eye on yesterday, one on today, and ears for tomorrow.

One vein of happiness, one of indifference, and one of sorrow.


I am a duality.


Consciously self-conscious and subconsciously confident.

Dependent upon people, yet deeply independent.

Eternally searching, ever finding, and always aware.

Sensory input, sensory output, sensory is everywhere.


I am complex.


Definitions, restrictions, limitations, perturbations.

Confusing, abusing, misusing, and losing.


I cannot be defined.


Innovative, creative, motivate, contemplative.

Fleeing, freeing, seeing, and being.


I will not be confined…


~ found poetry




A thing of beauty is a joy forever…

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.
The more often we see the things around us – even the beautiful and wonderful things – the more they become invisible to us. That is why we often take for granted the beauty of this world: the flowers, the trees, the birds, the clouds – even those we love. Because we see things so often, we see them less and less.

Take for example this little leaf I picked up outside my kitchen windowsill, it had been blown away by the wind and accidentally landed there. I was eating my breakfast and I could not take my eyes off it. The way the lights bounce on its surface, the intensity of colors, the complexity of the veins running through it, the playing of highlights and shadows… simply amazing.

I even took it outside and let it swim… It looked like a turtle paddling to the shore. Awesome!

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall…

Think of your blog as a mirror: what does it reveal? Consider your blog name, theme choice, design, bio, posts… what does every element tell you about yourself?

Here are the links to all the answers to the questions above. I have chosen to do it this way because to write a  single post about a vast diverse topic such as this will take long and we all know that not so many people have the time nor the interest to tackle a lengthy read, besides I already have the said article(s) at hand. So, enjoy…

“There’s not another road anywhere that looks like this road—I mean, exactly like this road. It’s one kind of place. One of a kind, like someone’s face. Like a fucked-up face.”

~ River Phoenix, My Own Private Idaho



“Writing let me escape. It let me escape the insistent tug of my family, its ongoing misery and the reality of the world outside. Writing is like slipping into the ocean, where I could move easily, where I could be nobody and anybody, visible and invisible all at once. Sitting in front of the computer, with the screen blank and the cursor blinking, is the best escape I know.”

~ good in bed



…fascinate me. They have over active vivid imagination. Look at the Brontë sisters… they could even write about things they never personally experience. But what I’m really curious about are those writers who work for television series, per episode. For example: Mr. Nygma of Gotham. He was just an ordinary dude in the beginning. Okay, granted, perhaps a bit odd but nevertheless one dimension-ally boring and harmless enough.

Then from one day to another they decided to make him more interesting by upgrading the ordinary dude into a full-blown schizophrenic psychopath (or it is sociopath… or maybe both) with multiple personalities, just like that. He is changed beyond belief and oh, so sudden. No prelude. What those writers say to each other during lunch/coffee break : ” Let’s fuck-up Mr. Nygma for fun. What do you think, guys?” Or it was their boss who gave the order (of course it’s the bosses who give orders) but not the ideas, or otherwise they will be writers themselves.

No wonder Lost (the series) gotten lost in transition. It started as promising as a new born love affair. But somehow/somewhere along the way, it lost its potentials. At the end, it was just one hell of a confusion. It goes like that I think if too many people with too many (great/sick) ideas who all trying their best (they think) to wow the audience lost touch of reality and just let go. They literally lost the way. Too much of anything is never good.

I know some actors write scenarios of the series they are involved with. Matthew Gray Gubler of Criminal Minds does it occasionally (but then again, he is really multi-talented and real life genius he even directed 8 episodes of the show so far. Do check him out) Randall Einhorn and Paul Feig are another examples.   So, what that says about them? It takes one to know one? To conjured up pretty sick scenarios take up a lot of imagination. And if one can imagine such things…

That’s why I believe that in any other circumstances, writers are a dangerous bunch. Imagine actions supporting the theories. My, we will have a situation in our hands. But so far…



My Own Private Idaho

What prompted me to have a blog didn’t come from my own thoughts but from someone else’s. I was lost that time. Tired of so many betrayals and falsehood surrounding me and was looking for a place where I can be myself without the obvious consequences but didn’t know where to go.

Then one day while browsing the net, I encountered a poem that speaks of my inner thoughts and deep buried feelings; of a glorious place where I can put down my heavy baggage, don’t have to be a part of social ethos and false sham, time is non-existent and no one holds disguises.  Where I can heal my dying soul and will find a space to be free.  

And I thought: “That’s it! That’s where I want to be.” Though the author of the poem doesn’t have a blog and not a part of anything that has something to do with social media, I know that the only place to be myself anonymously is cyber space.  It took me a while before I decided to actually create a blog page and that was some five months ago. The rest is history.

Here is the poem that inspired me to be a blogger. It was written by a woman named Lilith-Laurel. Enjoy…


Alas, my wandering soul
Looks for a peaceful haven
Away from daily tumult
Of impurities shaven

A smokeless piece of paradise
Unmarred by life’s cruel vices
Where time is non-existent
And no one holds disguises

And so I go seek the land
Which truly speaks my language
The one place where I can let go
Of all my heavy baggage

Where solely beauteous music
Can inspire me to rapture
Where purely the divine
Can come attempt my capture

Where my heart is revived
And finds again true reason
Where harmony invades all feeling
Into heavenly explosion

Vibrant once again
With the desire to live
Filling me with moonlight
That transpires through my veins

Where pain subsides as I’m
Caressed by wind’s pure murmur
And nearby swoons of all the trees
Drop in to add for nurture

Where my tears fall down
Becoming one with the alluring stream
A silent howl of anguish
Gently calmed by nature’s dream

Oh how, my angel
You careen my dying soul
And bring to it again
The essence to be whole

Oh how sweetly you sing
And answer my most desperate plight
No longer am I lonely
Or lost in this maze of life

No longer hiding in my cavern
Obliged to offer glam
To join some social ethos
To slumber in false sham

Just rolling in your hills of breath
With wild, amazing ecstasy
My chains broken, all secrets gone
I then find space to be free…


What’s in a name?

People who happened to stumble upon my blog sometimes asked me where in Idaho I am located, or if I like living there. One person even inquired about hiking trails in Idaho, and every time it happened I can’t help but laugh. I never had been in Idaho let alone in the United States. The name of my blog is derived from a movie of River Phoenix with the same title. It’s  about a homeless street kid, a metaphor for a lonely, loveless drifter who has no defense against a world that can take his money, his heart, and his life. My Own Private Idaho is a film almost unbearably sad to watch. It resonates strongly with me. 

I always have been a fan of Rio ever since I first saw him in movie adaptation of Stephen King’s book Stand By Me. The boy had depth and can convey range of emotions without being in your face. What a pity he is no longer with us.

I love the film, I adore River, Stephen King is my favourite author and I like the sound of: My-Own-Private-Idaho in my head, especially the ‘private’ part, it sums up what my blog is all about: personal thoughts, views and experiences I wish to convey to the readers for whatever reasons.

For a tagline I decided to go on the road less traveled and use the constant state of my mind instead of going the catchy way or tweaking my name into a sort of anagram. I never thought of search engines when I was creating my blog. In fact, I did not know the existence of them that time and I could not care less. I still don’t give a damn.

My tagline reads like this:

“My thoughts are colourful fast-moving screen saver’s slides show with badly connected international radio playing in the background…”

I don’t know if it’s catchy, clever, original or funny and frankly I don’t care. Like the overall design of my blog, it has to please me first before I can think of pleasing anybody. It’s my house/home after all. If I cannot be comfortable in my own abode, how can I be hospitable to others?  How can I be inspired to write if I dislike my work place? No, I believe in putting your own domain in order first before you go on exploring outside

So, that’s it. That’s how the name and tagline of my blog came to being. I hope some people could appreciate it. Let me leave you with a little nugget of wisdom from the late actor himself:

 “There’s not another road anywhere that looks like this road—I mean, exactly like this road. It’s one kind of place. One of a kind, like someone’s face. Like a fucked-up face.”

~ River Phoenix, My Own Private Idaho


what to blog?

Often times I’m struggling with what topic is “safe” to post ( I’m only kidding) what I mean is… to select among the ones that are playing in my head and make it understandable/acceptable for the majority of readers. As you probably noticed by now, I tend to write long blogs, but I am trying to avoid doing that lately; same as I am trying to moderate sharing my dark depressing thoughts to all of you because I know life is difficult already as it is without me adding to it. I’m also aware that a lot of people like to read real life stuff, something most could relate to like relationships, travel, something inspirational or educational, family related or anything controversial under the sun and of course the hottest topic(s ) of all time…what else but l’amour, I mean photography.

I tried to cover them all to test for reactions and confirm my several different theories about what people want to read, I must say it didn’t make me any wiser; I still don’t have a single clue and have given up figuring it out a long time ago. But one thing is for sure: nine out of ten, the name behind the article is what really matters not so much the article itself. One has to be established. How to do that exactly is debatable and for a totally different post.

Being said that; allow me to share another difficulty I often encounter when trying to write something; that is__ staying with the original thoughts in my head. Frequently enough, I started with a clear topic and find out that somewhere along the way; it turned out into something I didn’t mean to put in black & white. Take this blog for instance: I wanted to pen something about refreshed/repressed childhood of mine and even selected few pictures which I thought suited for the material. Look how it turned out to be, a yada-yada-ya about nothing.  To correct that maybe I would say something like this:

Through a series of painful realizations, it’s started to make an odd sort of sense. Not real sense, but the crazy, uninhibited sort of understanding that only someone like me could make. I have a problem… a love problem, but the challenge is not making someone fall in love with me; I don’t mean to sound shallow, but guys have always been interested in me, and though I never really look for it, it seems that they are always there in the right place at the right time and I went for it for fun- out of nothing better to do- because it feels good? I don’t know.

I need someone to go places and do things, they are there and I said to myself: well… why not? They are free and I’m “free” there is no harm done and so I thought but even then__ I always tell myself: well… they’re young, they will get over it. I have had too many boyfriends that much I could admit (take note: having boyfriends is not a synonym for sleeping around) frankly, there were times that I had all five of them simultaneously. Why? Because I found out that it is easier to get rid of them if you say yes.

And saying yes doesn’t mean I have to keep my end of the bargain. They can always bail out anytime. After all, they are the ones who want to be in that situation in the first place; so, they have to know for themselves.

The problem is more in the region of falling in love with myself. I’ve struggled for years and still is struggling to be happy with who I am, and few times I made the mistake of letting someone else try to make me happy, make me more alive. But of course, it is a very wrong choice. No wonder I have a commitment phobia, it’s understandable why when it comes to relationships I can’t find my way, I’m love illiterate and blind as a bat paranoid and totally, totally insecure. How could I (expect someone to love me) make myself believe that somebody would actually stay when I have never even loved myself?

Does it make this blog more interesting? The answer is: probably depends who’s going to read it, or if that person can relate with the topic or not or just simply like the way I string the story together ha,ha.

When everything is said and done by the end of the day when it comes to it, it is really up to the readers what to like and not to like. The question still remains: what to blog?


But who’s going to dig the tunnel???

When I was about eleven-twelve years old, I dreamed of having my very own house, and since my taste that time was not yet refined and my knowledge of the world somewhat limited; it will and shall be none other than -a nipa hut. At least that’s how it started. A beautiful cute one bedroom place made of bamboos and grass.

While I was lying down each night pretending sleep so my father will not tan my hide, the blue print of my precious was taking shape in my young mind. There it was, the house, sitting in the middle of a small garden surrounded with gorgeous greener than green plants and multi-coloured flowers. Rare wild orchids (which by the way I hand-picked myself from far away jungles and mountains during one of my so many dangerous adventures and quests) were hanging lusciously in the cozy balcony making love with the wind.

But wait a minute… I’m all alone, I need to protect myself, I’m a girl after all (therefore more prone to danger than boys ha ha) and brittle bamboos and fragile grasses will not do the trick. How about sandwiching bricks between the outer and inner walls? Well, that is seems a good idea. And since I’m at it already, how about reinforce my fort? I am living a dangerous life after all.  Okay… bullet proof windows would be suitable, so nobody could touch me in my sleep. Talking about sleep… how could I know that someone is sneaking at me while I was deep in my slumber? Think! Think! Okay… surveillance cameras! Monitors at the foot of my bed, control panel on the headboard for easy access, done! I could finally sleep.

But wait… what about escape in case of emergency? I bolted upright! I have to design an escape route if it happened to be that my enemies managed to get inside! (or better, before they can get in) A tunnel, (heading out to the sea – I don’t know why the sea! -where my what-ever-means of escape was park ) the entrance hidden under my bed which by the way can flip over to be replace by an identical bed so nobody would notice that I was gone. That would certainly buy me sometime to head somewhere far. Okay, that would do it. I will sleep now, over and out.

But who’s going to dig the tunnel? I could not possibly do it all by myself! And since I’m not an engineer and nowhere near an architect, someone has to design and build it for me. That’s a bit dangerous no? I have to keep it a secret, nobody must know it exists! Or otherwise I will be in great danger! And the only way to keep it hidden is… if I get rid of them all! That’s an excellent idea – if I am a seasoned m-u-r-d-e-r-e-r, but since I’m not and never will be (I hope) I better give up the idea of building my precious.

And that is why (folks) I didn’t end up living in a cute and simple, peaceful nipa hut… (sigh)