Solitude Within

Once I had started my solitude, I realized anew that it was easy for me to become accustomed to this state and that the most effortless existence for me was in fact in one in which I was not obliged to speak to anyone. My fretful attitude to life left me. Each dead day had its charm. —Yukio Mishima

It’s true, once you get used to being alone it is very hard to be among people again.

I have no problem with making contacts and to carry out a conversation, no, never that for since childhood it seems I have the gift of gab (and so they say) but my problem with socializing is the amount of time it needs for me to recover after that. I need at least two weeks to recuperate.

Lately, being in the middle of a crowd in an open space bothers me. People, even strangers make me nervous I cannot enjoy what there is to enjoy, let it be music, sights, or day to day life like going to the market. When there is a crowd, I am sure to avoid it. The constant movements and chatters confuse my brain and I feel that they are constantly in my way blocking my progress and disturbing my zen.

For those who are extroverts perhaps it is difficult to understand my predicament but believe you me, nothing can make me unhinged faster than a crowd.

I just came back from vacation and even there where it supposed to be there is an easy-going vibe and relax atmosphere yet I still sought solitude. When the beach is crowded, I head back to the hotel and I swim in the pool early when other guests are not yet awake and have their breakfast. I cannot imagine myself immersed in stagnant water where there are a lot of unwashed bodies there with me. That’s why I prefer a shower to a bath. I’m keen on personal hygiene.

At home I detest visitors. I even detest a visit from family members. Nothing personal. I just feel that they disturb the rhythm of my day to day existence. Not that I have a fixed schedule or something, it’s just that I want to follow my feelings going about my day, doing what I want when I want it at my own pace. When someone is there, you have to consider and accommodate their wants and needs especially if you’re the host and it takes too much energy synchronizing your rhythm with others. That’s why I never go out with friends. I rather do things on my own. Simpler that way.

What about you? Are you sociable? Do you crave a company? How about me-time? What is your view on this?

If you have a moment,  do share with us your thoughts.

See you next time.


8 thoughts on “Solitude Within”

  1. I love company
    I am a very sociable human
    I also do that this other humans do like talking and stuff…
    You believe me right?!

    I try to talk to people but nothing beyond fluff, I can have deep conversations with my mum, talk about sci-fi etc and deep meaning stuff related to it with my brother etc etc dad etc etc sister etc

    But people are too fluffy, happy and easily offended!
    They shriek in body behaviour to deep jokes about suicide and can’t get through the defences my persona projects, but those who can push through… well you still reply to my comments!

    Somewhere in a ‘social skills’ lesson, if such courses exist, I hope to find an edge to get back into the game but apparently only children get lessons in been human, adults are either assumed to be equipped that way or just beyond help… but I’m positive, really, you believe me right?!


    1. Of course I believe you! You believe me that I believe you, right? You know there is a vast difference between being honest and being tactless like there is a vast difference between just being different because that’s who you are or being different for the sake of being different; to shock, to annoy to be obnoxious or just craving for attention.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. We tend to believe what we want to believe regardless of what others say. People told me that I look good and there are some incidents that back up the claim but what sits in my brain is what my ex once said to me: that I am short, fat and ugly. So, you see, it’s all in the mind.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Something I learned, partly to my horror but mostly healing in nature; if you are happy with who are, then screw the world!
        It is nicer when the world agrees but we can’t always win that applause
        So if you need a stool to reach the high shelves; get one in cool colours and avoid putting things up too high (and get a tall good looking handyman so you can ogle his perfect arse easier!!)


      2. I am not an arse man. Moving hands fascinate me. Imagine what it could do. You’re right. If one is content with oneself one is unlikely to mind others approval. I love cool colours like black.


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