The feelings that hurt most, the emotions that sting most, are those that are absurd – The longing for impossible things, precisely because they are impossible; nostalgia for what never was; the desire for what could have been; regret over not being someone else; dissatisfaction with the world’s existence. All these half-tones of the soul’s consciousness create in us a painful landscape, an eternal sunset of what we are. —Fernando Pessoa
My son said to me yesterday that the things I remember most from my childhood are not memories but longing and those that bordering on supernatural are brought on by psychosis. I remember them clearly not because it did really happen but because I believe they did. Memories are seldom complete he said. Most of the times we fill in the blanks and it becomes our reality.
Needless to say, I don’t believe him. I know what is real and what is not. And If I would fantasize or imagine anything it would not be one of my experiences. I will conjure up happy thoughts so I could fly away to Neverland. There are things that cannot be explained by any logical or scientific means. My son has to understand that. Other memories of mine that have nothing to do with paranormal or supernatural, I could believe there are some holes in it. But I don’t fill them up with my own imaginations, I just can’t remember the whole picture. Sometimes they are just a blank canvas, others have snatches of colors and outlines of some forgotten scenes often too vague for me to recognize.
I never have a desire to be someone else, but rather I have longings for different circumstances for myself. Perhaps being born into another family, country, situation, been given different chances in life, things like that. Nostalgia for something that never was I have experienced only once. I wrote a book about it. I sometimes still think about what could have been if what never was is a reality exactly the way I’ve imagined it but know only too well that it is next to impossible to happen. Perhaps it could once upon a time but interference from people and fate rendered my wish futile.
My painful landscapes consist indeed of the feelings that hurt most, absurd or not, but from different nature than those that had been mentioned above. They are both from memories and experience and I can sum them up easily in one word: betrayal- in all sense of that word.
How I wish there is an eternal sunset on my painful landscapes. It is preferable over the total darkness of what I am…
4 thoughts on “Is there anyone there who could relate? ”
That last line about darkness of who I am
Don’t ever be ashamed of belonging to dark corners and knowing demons others ignore
If I was in a love, had kids and didn’t suffer anxiety I would feel off, as I am now because what I know is that a lie and an invitation for disaster
To be born broken is a curse in ways but the world will never blind you with illusion
That relationship you find will be built on reality and solid truth, ugly sometimes but real and sustainable
Those children will be raised to see through life’s lies and with the hindsight of your faults not become as you in the right ways
And happiness’s daggers will be deflected by knowing satisfaction that you are what you are and have many things to like about it, not all but those factors you rightly acknowledge exsist
So moonbath in the night and enjoy demon’s company
They hold daggers and lies, but they will never pretend unlike life, love and happiness whose daggers and lies are more deadly and concealed so to strike without mercy or thought of the cruel pain they inflict
My, my… you must had been burned seriously to sustain such pronounced scars which judging by your words still bleeding underneath. Sadly (if it’s the case) I can relate only too well.
I forget sometimes that although this space (WordPress) is a safe one to be myself in, not everyone has venom instead of blood and a habit to go ditch dark with thier perception!
But nice to know that someone out there exsists who understands and can call me on it if I go too dark
One of the reasons (if readers is to be believed) why my blog is not everyone cup of tea is the constant dark mood of my writings. Someone said she never meet anyone who is continuously shroud in darkness. Too much to digest for daily consumption another one said. And there you are!
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