Why I Am Not Writing Lately

There are plenty of reasons.

Where to begin?

Let’s see…

  • Ergonomic office chair suitable for my height.

You see, lately, my current one wouldn’t do. Not with my present condition. I got rid of it and replaced it temporarily with plastic modern kitchen chair which is very far from suited and nowhere near ergonomic. The result is excruciating pain on my deltoid muscles, the scalene groups in anatomical Bermuda triangle, plus the clavicle, sternum, and scapula. In short, the whole delta area. And because all the chairs and sofas in this part of the world are made for tall people, while sitting anywhere, my feet seldom reach the ground. Imagine the troubles it brings. In the case of my unsuitable office chair, it resulted in perpetual bruising of my medial malleolus and cramp on the hip adductors. You know… the five muscles in the medial compartment of the thigh that collectively known as… because I am forced to sit in lotus fashion? That’s it.

What else is the reason?

  • Adjustable office desk. 

I don’t have one. Not yet. Planning to get it together with the chair ASAP. In reality, that means the moment I get my Christmas bonus a.k.a. thirteenth-month pay. Those things are so pricey! I know, I know, there is no price attached to our health but__ you know the buts.

  • I am Not Sleeping Properly.

In fact, not at all.

It’s old news I know but this time it is really beyond serious. Before, after three consecutive days without sleep, my body normally succumbs to fatigue and eventually, I passed out. These days, without the help of medication, it is impossible for me to visit dreamland. I call it a visit, a short visit in fact for I seldom sleep more than five hours even in my drug-induced state. I imagine I can hear my brain cells screaming before they died from exhaustion. I could even feel the impact of the devastation. I have difficulties gathering my thoughts lately. Among so many other things.

  • The pain becomes unbearable.

I’m using CBD oil now. Can’t stand beta blockers and prescribed painkillers. It is killing my already wounded stomach even with stomach protection drugs. The problem is the CBD oil is rapidly losing its power and I’m only using it for what, a month? I think to myself: what next? Morphine?

  • I forget things.

Strange for someone who used to have an Eidetic memory. Now I can’t even remember to close the fridge’s door. Repeating commands to myself I find helps but not always. I still burned food and let the bath overflows. Burglars will have a feast when they find out that I forget to close doors and windows too.

Multitasking used to be one of my specialties. These days I consider myself lucky if I understood the program I’m watching on the television. What a brain fog could do.

  • It takes too long to write an article.

Once upon a time, I could wrestle a thousand words with ease in a quarter of an hour and I seldom edit. Drafts were alien to me. Now I can’t even make a  decent grocery list for heaven’s sake! It took me a day and a night to write this blog post and I come to rely on my memory of how I used to write because I don’t understand my thoughts anymore. I cannot arrange them cohesively in my mind so I always ask D. If he can make sense of my ramblings. He said it’s good.

  • I cannot connect the dots.

I forget where I am and what it is all about and no amount of reading could nudge my brain from its temporary frozen state in the middle of a sentence. I just have to sit and wait till the idea comes to me again on its own accord. It could take minutes, hours, days or it could be lost forever as well, which is the case lately. When it happened I refuse to dwell with the problem. I just charge it to experience (my personal approach to most things since day one) and move on otherwise I would crash and not recover.

  • My eyes are declining rapidly.

I have four different eyeglasses in a period of one year. The specialists said it comes with the territory, nicely included in the package and there is nothing I can do about it. For the record, it is not my lenses which causing the problem but the retina itself. They are talking about detachment of some kind. I don’t wish to elaborate.

That’s all for now.

I will change and edit this post as my condition progress and keep you informed once in a blue moon of my situation. If you want to know more about my illness, you can read it here. Bye for now and I hope you keep me company for a long while.

Till next time.


I have the chair. Bought it last week. No good. I am disappointed. It gives me backaches. Maybe because my feet still not touching the ground. I think it will be no use to me unless I purchase that adjustable office desk. Let’s see… I will keep you posted. For the meantime, everything is more or less the same.


I Am Me

“I have never tried to be a good person or to appear to be a good person. What I do and what I have done is merely a side effect of my desire to become me. I have only wanted to be me; if people think I’m good, then so be it. If people think I’m bad, then so be it. But if anything, my greatest struggle is to not come across as so good. I always find myself asking, “Why do I keep on giving off this immense impression of goodness?” Can I ask the world, am I not simply allowed to be me; without needing to be classified as either good or bad? Being known as good has its own prison just as much as being bad has its jail bars. I am so tired of the need to classify people. I am me.”

― C. JoyBell C.

Photography by Nigel Tomm