After 13 years of marriage, lots of coincidences and a jumble of confusing often horrifying circumstances; I woke up one day a changed woman.
The waking up happened on my 30th birthday, around 1:00 in the morning in a club I went with my so called friends to celebrate another year added to my life. On paper I was old enough but in reality I looked barely eighteen. Photographs can testify to that claim because they seldom lie, unless of course one edited them. When I’ve met D. He thought I was 24. In fact I was 37 years old. Imagine that. I remember being banned from a disco when I was twenty five because the guard thought my identity card was falsified. Story of my life.
I was bending forward, head between my knees shaking my hair loose to add volume to the sweaty strands that were beginning to fasten themselves on the back of my LBD; and when I looked up, he was there staring at me.
Tall, blond, blue eyes and clearly younger than me; but I bet he didn’t know it. He sent his companion to extend an invitation for me and my friends to sit at their table, I declined. My friends wanted to throttle me for that. Spoil sport was added to the list of adjectives they loved to call me behind my back, I didn’t care. I still don’t. I talk to strangers but I don’t go as far as drinking alcohol with them, not even if they’re paying.
A bottle of champagne in an ice bucket appeared on our table shortly after that, with a note asking if he and his friends could join us instead. Well, I could hardly waive them off again without ruining the night of my birthday so, I said yes.
He was 27 years old. A Porsche driving only son of one of the biggest factory owners in the country; I was right away suspicious.
And that was the very reason why aside from a couple of dinner, a drive in his red status symbol car, lots of telephone calls and turned down invitations to private sauna and a night in his flat; nothing happened between us. I was not only wide awake, I was sober too.
I will not believe for one moment that he meant it serious with me.
Maybe serious enough to spend serious money on me in exchange for few occasional serious tumble in the hay, but serious enough to marry me, I don’t think so.
So I let him go.
But he had given me a gift I will cherish for the rest of my life: a consciousness, awareness that there is more to life than what I was having with my thoroughly abusive lying cheating drunkard of a husband. He made me realize that I was still desirable, still in the market, still worth chasing for. And for that, I will be forever grateful.
But it doesn’t mean he cured my inferiority complex which originated from my childhood and honed to perfection by my philandering ex. It cost me (maybe) a bright future with a UN ambassador who kudos for him did all the necessary hard work of digging, scratching and dusting so he could get to my core just to be turned down at the last minute because I didn’t believe I was good enough to be his lifetime companion.
The only move I made that I regret so far.
But it did make me brave enough to go out there and sample all the goodies that I was allowed to eat without the unnecessary and unwanted complications.
Yes I had my share of affairs. Not all of them platonic, that much I could admit. The bits and pieces of the stories, I sometimes share with you, but always the edited version. The incriminating details cleverly omitted not only for my own sake but for the readers and my children as well.
I know people could read between the lines, sometimes too much; but as long as it is not coming from my own mouth, that will remain, suspicions, accusations, and whatever one wants to call it. For the meantime, I will continue to write bits and pieces from my memories and will share them with you whenever I feel courageous enough to let some of the skeletons out the closet and let them dance naked…