I ditched the pills the doctor gave me to have a goodnight sleep. I should have known. Speaking out of experience, they never help. But I was desperate. I thought this time it would be different, that finally I can sleep like normal people do, wake up in the morning feeling refreshed instead of hallucinating, doing things I have no recollection of whatsoever the next day. Good that D. recorded some of my episodes or otherwise I will never believe I was that far gone. I even accused him of eating my couscous not knowing I was the one who ate it.
So here I am lying awake (again) trying to find a place in my memory to visit. Almost any place will do. Better than climbing up the wall. No don’t recommend me herbal teas, massage, sauna, meditation, music or sex. It will not help. I once combined all of those with hiking and swimming. Miserably failed. Funny thing is: I have not the same problem while on holiday somewhere else. Sure I have one or two days that I have stayed up reading a book but it was either by choice or by circumstances, not a desperate attempt to evoke sleep.
What others do when they cannot sleep… My ex mother-in-law said to me (a couple of weeks ago) that she sits in the garden, in the dark waiting for the feeling to come. I know a woman (a crew in the resort I frequently visit) who sings (her heart out) karaoke at two in the morning (to the horror and displeasure of other guests) because she thinks her husband is unfaithful and she finds solace in blurting out her suspicions and hurt through meaningful songs. Some (especially at this time and age) will fiddle with their tablets or smart phones. Others will smoke or drink alcohol. Both are bad habits to cultivate. But then again, so is relying on sleeping pills.
The truth is: I can’t remember anymore why I started writing this. I had a clear vision of where I wanted to go but it’s gone now. It is usually the case with my thoughts lately. I have to pen them down right away or they will vanish in a second. They are fleetingly elusive. Hard to catch and isolate. Like sleep…