Praise

I ditched the pills the doctor gave me to have a goodnight sleep. I should have known. Speaking out of experience, they never help. But I was desperate. I thought this time it would be different, that finally I can sleep like normal people do, wake up in the morning feeling refreshed instead of hallucinating, doing things I have no recollection of whatsoever the next day. Good that D. recorded some of my episodes or otherwise I will never believe I was that far gone. I even accused him of eating my couscous not knowing I was the one who ate it.

So here I am lying awake (again) trying to find a place in my memory to visit. Almost any place will do. Better than climbing up the wall. No don’t recommend me herbal teas, massage, sauna, meditation, music or sex. It will not help. I once combined all of those with hiking and swimming. Miserably failed. Funny thing is: I have not the same problem while on holiday somewhere else. Sure I have one or two days that I have stayed up reading a book but it was either by choice or by circumstances, not a desperate attempt to evoke sleep. 

What others do when they cannot sleep… My ex mother-in-law said to me (a couple of weeks ago) that she sits in the garden, in the dark waiting for the feeling to come. I know a woman (a crew in the resort I frequently visit) who sings (her heart out) karaoke at two in the morning (to the horror and displeasure of other guests) because she thinks her husband is unfaithful and she finds solace in blurting out her suspicions and hurt through meaningful songs. Some (especially at this time and age) will fiddle with their tablets or smart phones. Others will smoke or drink alcohol. Both are bad habits to cultivate. But then again, so is relying on sleeping pills.

The truth is: I can’t remember anymore why I started writing this. I had a clear vision of where I wanted to go but it’s gone now. It is usually the case with my thoughts lately. I have to pen them down right away or they will vanish in a second. They are fleetingly elusive. Hard to catch and isolate. Like sleep…

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Daily Prompt

13 thoughts on “Praise”

  1. I too am an insomniac. But not anymore. Sleep hygiene and working the 12 steps got me out of a life long lack of sleep. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, Gen Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive disorder in the past. It’s a struggle at times, but I am winning. Do you have any similarities with me?
    MO

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      1. The 12 steps work for everyone. I coach people on 12-step living. Really changes one’s perpective on life.
        Mo

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      2. My son once said to me that I should not expect something (from his father) he cannot give because he doesn’t possessed. He told me also to stop living in the past and being anxious about the future because I’m in the present and has to concentrate on here and now.

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      3. True. I call that “time traveling.” ‘If only’- that’s traveling to the past, and ‘What if’ is traveling to the future. Neither is useful. Simply ask: is my hair on fire right now? If not your present moment is just fine. Enjoy it!
        Mo

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  2. I have found the two go together: fast and elusive thoughts and elusive sleep. I too suffer from insomnia. There are things that work for other people and occasionally work for me. Like reading a book. It can’t be any book-a good book will keep you awake. It has to be a bad book, something that you cannot get interested in. I got a book about birds. I read the whole thing cover to cover, but it took months bc I’d be asleep within a paragraph, or at the longest, 2 pages. My dad does Mensa level crossword puzzles in a book. On the tablet he doesn’t sleep, but in the book, he can. He’s smart, but not Mensa level, so he gets a few answers, feels really smart, then starts hitting ones that tax his brain. He usually falls asleep mumbling. Usually wakes up refreshed and with the answer lol. Another thing that I found works pretty well is needlepointing in a slightly dimmer than necessary room. No extra bright lights. You get a few lines done and your eyes are ready to close. Sometimes it’s better to not sleep. Be productive, you’ll sleep the next night. Put a notebook near your bed. Write down what’s keeping you awake. If you can’t, just write stream of consciousness until your tired of thinking. These things have worked for me and others I know. I don’t promise 8 hours, but they can give you a few much needed hours at least. Also, logical things: avoid caffeine after 4 pm, avoid TV, computer and phone (backlit items) an hour before retiring, etc. These things may help. They certainly couldn’t hurt. Take care!

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    1. I appreciate the tips and pointers. My mother in law does sudoku when she cannot sleep. I have little notebooks everywhere but sometimes I avoid writing because it leads to all sorts of things. I’m a first class worrier. I worry about mundane things and device all sorts of doomed scenarios including killing people or people killing me. I have lots of irrational fears and over active imagination and tons of other things.

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      1. That’s what the writing would help with. Write a story, emphasizing the fears and take it to a crazy place. You can probably sell later and make some money off of your irrational fears, but at the very least, you’ll be getting them out of your head so you can sleep.

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