Obstacles And Crossroads

I had my share of obstacles and ups and downs. I dare to say more than your average person. And like everyone else I’ve been on crossroads few times in my life making crucial choices and life-changing decisions. Most of the times I had followed my heart and trusted my instinct, it brought me where I am now. Sometimes I have doubts if I had chosen the right paths but there is no regret. C’est la vie.

A couple of years ago I have been diagnosed with an auto-immune disease (you can read the details here ) and my life suddenly took a 360 degrees turn for the worse, I become a complete stranger even to myself. Gone is the girl who used to be a nomadic gypsy, alive, energetic, independent, sportive globetrotting workaholic, daring, fearless and free. In her place is this pathetic helpless woman who can barely get out of her bed and dress herself up and cannot go somewhere without a chaperone; I become a prisoner in my deteriorating mind and body. I lost everything I value the most, just like that.

Every day is a hike to the top. A simple task becomes an ordeal. Pain is everywhere. I realized little and big things  I used to take for granted, like walking and sleeping. But the most difficult to accept is the loss of my focus, my almost photographic memory, my ability to explain myself, relate my thoughts on paper, write or type them. My mind is in constant foggy state and my fingers together with the rest of my body don’t want to obey my wishes. 

There are good moments but they are few and far between. During those scarce opportunities, I (often) behave like a mad cow out of a corral, pushing myself to the limit knowing the chance to do the things I love (like gardening – especially gardening – hiking and taking long walks, traveling and swimming) may not come again. Other days I am mostly in denial, going from hopeful to hopeless from manic to depressive and sometimes rebellious, eating the food which is forbidden for me so I can remember the taste and spend the whole evening in the restaurant’s toilet puking my heart out praying nobody would hear me and embarrass myself unnecessarily.

Every day there are hurdles and crossroads to overcome, goals to meet, decisions to make. All of that in the comfort(?) of my own home. Double that when I go outside. The funny thing is, this kind of illness ( Invisible Disabilities) are often misunderstood and met with hostility by society at large. People think and accused us of faking or imagining our disabilities. Especially when we don’t use an assistive device and most are looking and acting perfectly healthy. I can’t speak for the others, all I can say is I will not wish my condition on anyone and I will exchange body in a jiffy if possible. My dream and fantasy of becoming a successful writer are now replaced by wishing a day without pain. How’s that? 

This is me now. There is nothing I can do about that. I’m still alive despite all the troubles. I can still write though it took me three hours to wrestle this post which normally I did in a quarter of an hour. I know there are people who are in a much worse condition than I am. Stephen Hawking for example. I bet he will gladly trade his genius for a proper stroll in the park or a normal tumble in the hay. 

I better leave it here or otherwise, God knows where we will end up. Enjoy every each day of your life, every passing moment because who knows what will happen next. I will try to do the same. Promise.