(Family) Ties

I never knew my grandparents. Two of them died even before I was born. Both in childbirth. I only saw my grandfathers once and I was too young to remember them clearly. What I can recall is a vague memory of an old man kicking my elder sister square on the chest over a handful of little dried fish my mother bought for us but he, the old man didn’t want us to eat because he was saving it for his other grandchildren; his second wife’s grandchildren actually. Daddy, my grandfather from my mother’s side is a distant memory without a face. I know he briefly stayed with us during his last days and I remember my parents quarreling about him. I know we traveled by train to see him buried but I don’t have a recollection of that trip.

My other relatives – aunts, nephews, nieces, uncles and cousins- I only see in Facebook. I don’t know them in real life. I have a sister I never seen for over thirty years and another one longer than that. My other siblings I have chosen to distance from 15 years ago after countless insults and betrayals. My parents are both dead.

My own children whom I left in the care of my ex husband’s family I only see once in a while. They never forgive me for abandoning them even though they know it is/was for their own good. I understand their feelings.

Home I never had. I mentioned this already before here in my blog and have written posts about it. I (we) never develop roots. We moved too much to cultivate strong hold of anything including connection. 

Friends I don’t manage to keep. Rarely I find an honest person with good intention. Only true blue can apply. Funny but those that stand the test of time I keep distance from. I don’t know exactly why. Maybe I want to preserve my image of them for the fear of being disillusioned. Same with places. I cannot go back to where I had good times. Once or twice I tried. Both with people and places. I learned that love is not sweeter the second time around.

Acquaintances I have few. They give me headaches. I cannot learn anything from them aside from the fact that you cannot trust no one but yourself. I can’t relate to most people and I know it’s vice-versa; they are clueless as well when it comes to me. 

Strangers puzzled and amused me at the same time. I can never understand why they are aggressive and intolerant in general. How someone can be angry to somebody for no reason at all aside from the other party not sharing their taste, skin color or religion.

I have so many fears. Most of them irrational. But what I fear the most is people. Their capabilities for cruelty are boundless. People scare me. 

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8 thoughts on “(Family) Ties”

  1. I’m a bit scared of children and always say I only like the nice ones. I much prefer old people in general. One of my elderly blogging buddies has died. I never met him, needless to say. He had quite a different experience of life to me and he was very characterful. My sadness made me think how, when we read most things a blogger posts, we get to see different sides of them and perhaps have a clearer picture of them than many of the people we actually spend time with face to face.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Maybe because when we read posts, we do it in our own accord, in our own time without pressure of time and people around. We are not forced to listen or give comments. I think we absorb the information better.
      On the other hand, bloggers are more honest when writing their feelings. They feel more free to share their thoughts and woes without fear of being judged. They impart knowledge that they are not able to say in real time to people they know, because they are afraid of the reactions and hurting other people’s feelings. Baring your souls online especially if you’re blogging anonymously has less consequences than blurting your emotions in real life.

      Liked by 3 people

  2. I have a friend who once told me friends are God’s apology for family. Your post really moved me. I’m estranged from my only sibling and I have finally accepted that it is what it is. We are more than our family and friends, who they are is not who we are. Survival, likewise, is place unique to everyone. It’s important that you have survived and will survive. Keep writing. We need your words.

    Like

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