(Family) Ties

I never knew my grandparents. Two of them died even before I was born. Both in childbirth. I only saw my grandfathers once and I was too young to remember them clearly. What I can recall is a vague memory of an old man kicking my elder sister square on the chest over a handful of little dried fish my mother bought for us but he, the old man didn’t want us to eat because he was saving it for his other grandchildren; his second wife’s grandchildren actually. Daddy, my grandfather from my mother’s side is a distant memory without a face. I know he briefly stayed with us during his last days and I remember my parents quarreling about him. I know we traveled by train to see him buried but I don’t have a recollection of that trip.

My other relatives – aunts, nephews, nieces, uncles and cousins- I only see in Facebook. I don’t know them in real life. I have a sister I never seen for over thirty years and another one longer than that. My other siblings I have chosen to distance from 15 years ago after countless insults and betrayals. My parents are both dead.

My own children whom I left in the care of my ex husband’s family I only see once in a while. They never forgive me for abandoning them even though they know it is/was for their own good. I understand their feelings.

Home I never had. I mentioned this already before here in my blog and have written posts about it. I (we) never develop roots. We moved too much to cultivate strong hold of anything including connection. 

Friends I don’t manage to keep. Rarely I find an honest person with good intention. Only true blue can apply. Funny but those that stand the test of time I keep distance from. I don’t know exactly why. Maybe I want to preserve my image of them for the fear of being disillusioned. Same with places. I cannot go back to where I had good times. Once or twice I tried. Both with people and places. I learned that love is not sweeter the second time around.

Acquaintances I have few. They give me headaches. I cannot learn anything from them aside from the fact that you cannot trust no one but yourself. I can’t relate to most people and I know it’s vice-versa; they are clueless as well when it comes to me. 

Strangers puzzled and amused me at the same time. I can never understand why they are aggressive and intolerant in general. How someone can be angry to somebody for no reason at all aside from the other party not sharing their taste, skin color or religion.

I have so many fears. Most of them irrational. But what I fear the most is people. Their capabilities for cruelty are boundless. People scare me. 

e0cd8dcd61