I’m a time traveler. I travel through different times. We all do. But I believe I have done it more than anybody else I know.
I have no roots. I constantly move. Growing up we changed places so much I don’t even have a clear memory of some of them. If I try to remember, all I got are flashes of events with unknown faceless people in incomplete houses consist of just one single space where a certain scene had happened. I don’t even know if those memories are real or I invented them to fill the gaps.
Later on in life, I became an expert on/at burning bridges (sometimes while I’m still standing on them) that second chances and future contact are become next to impossible. I’m only passing through, I don’t intend to stay or come back, I can’t establish a permanent connection. Not that I don’t want to, it just happens that way. Somewhere along the way, something will go wrong that I will be forced to terminate the relationship and move on.
I’m always the stranger, new kid on the block. Nobody knows me and I don’t want them to know. I cherish the acquaintance, enjoy the experience as long as it lasts but deep down inside I know I’m not going to stay. Familiarity breeds contempt they say. In most cases it is true. When the novelty wears off, resentments slowly creep in. Comes the envy, jealousy, possessiveness, arguments, irritations and all those pitfalls of human character I detest and seem do not possess.
I believe in personal freedom for everyone. Be whoever you want to be as long as you don’t harm anyone. Live and let live. Don’t get jealous. Everyone is unique in his own way. You want something, work hard. Beauty is a fleeting thing and always subject for consideration depends on who’s looking. And material things you can’t bring it where you’re going so…
I don’t believe in owning someone. He will go when he wants to go and stay if he likes to stay. You can’t force someone to love you and everyone has the right to fall in love with anyone, including your partner. No use, putting someone on a leash. It will only complicate things.
Where am I? Oh, yes… time travelling.
Much later still, not being able to get rid of my nomad gypsy urge to move around, I changed houses every three years. When I know that I did everything I could possible do to beautify and enhance the place, I move on. It took us two years and a half to sell our last house with all the consequences that comes with a property that was too long in the market. After a year, I refused to visit the place. Not even to do some necessary maintenance. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. For me I already said goodbye to the place, going back is like jumping in the time machine and travel back to a certain year of your life where everything is so familiar and you know already what’s gonna happen. It hurts. I don’t know why.
I remember walking side by side with someone in the most dreamy place I’ve ever been, having the most wonderful three months vacation of my life, he was telling me about the future and what we gonna do when I come back and I said to him that it sucks, enjoying the company of people you only going to be with for a short time and only once. I could see it confused him. Maybe you are too.
But when I say time traveling, I mean it’s like you go back in time (think about Stephen King’s 11.22.63) trying to alter the future, you will meet people, complete strangers, you are going to have a life with them for the time being, you will live with them for a while, have all kinds of relationships, you will share laughter and pain, maybe you will even fall in love but you will avoid creating permanent things, footsteps you can’t erase, forever memories, commitments you can never honor, promises you cannot keep because you know (they don’t) that everything is only temporary, you are just passing through, once you take care of the business, you will go back in your real life somewhere in the future where none of them has nothing to do with it. You and them are not part of the same realm, it’s real but at the same time, it’s a fantasy, an illusion that can never come true. Unless you decide to fuck up your own life and stay, which is not really an alternative. No sir.
That’s what I mean.
And I have done that countless times in my life till a wrong choice/decision, time frame and circumstances rendered me housebound and it hurts. I love to time travel. Going new places where no one knows me, meeting new people and having no strings attached kind of relationships, just enjoying every moment while it lasts, no consequences, no expectations, no duties, just dreams… Dreams and the time to live it no matter how short and once in a lifetime it could be…