Tuesday

I am sitting here in front of my computer having a mental block. I don’t know what to write. I just woke up from a dream a moment ago. In my dream I was searching for my dead mother believing she’s still alive. I don’t want to go into details about it because if I do, the pages and the hours are not long enough to explain everything. For that, I have to go back to the very beginning or otherwise my story will not be clear enough to understand.

Outside, it’s starting to get dark even though it is only 16:37. The image below is the view from my office window and the one above is from my bathroom window upstairs. The same vantage point where I took the inspiring photo the other day. It is still in some way inspiring the view, but not the kind of which most people can relate I guess. Normally it is my kind of thing, dark and moody, but not today; today I long for sunshine and summer, I long for a sense of familiarity and warmth, I long to find my dead mother to convince myself that she’s after all okay… 

SONY DSC

20 thoughts on “Tuesday”

    1. Sometimes I am confused too. The other day I was driving and saw a fleeting image of someone passing by my window which on its own is already impossible. I was driving maximum speed of 120 km per hour and the image was too expand to be real and cut off illogically. Like an ID photo with the top of the head missing.

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  1. I have the same issues with my mother. Every time I make a post about her it is long because I feel the need to make sure the reader understands where I’m coming from. I think I spend more time editing out repetitive info than I do actually writing the piece.

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    1. They say that the relationship between mother and daughter (parents/ children in general) is complicated but I believe that some are more complex than the other. If I’m going to talk about hows and whys of my strange relationship with my family particularly with my mother I have to tell the back story too or otherwise it will not make sense and it is a very long and complicated story and I know most people including me at times hate long and complicated stories.

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      1. I know exactly how you feel. You could always make one long backstory post and then link to every post related to your mother so people could choose. I’ve considered that myself but that may require time and mental energy for emotions and tears and I’m not….I don’t want to go through that right now.

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      2. I already have one I wrote when she died. It’s just a summary of one crucial moment and the consequences of but enough to give people something to piece the story together to understand the nature of our relationship. But like you, I don’t want to go through with the emotions right now because as you said, it is tiring and mentally draining.

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  2. It is a grey and dismal day here as well. I have extra lights on. I like rainy days all right, but for now the sky is deciding to rain or drizzle or nothing. I woke up with a headache and then fell asleep again and had bad dreams. Usually, my nightmares are set in a dull reality with persons I know (or don’t) saying and doing objectionable things that hurt me. Often in the dream I realize at last that things are too extremely strange and sad–and so I wake up. The feelings in the dream persist for a while into the waking day. I appreciate deeply your writing about dreams and their reactions within you. Thank you!

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    1. It is somehow comforting to know that I am not the only one experiencing these things. comforting because those who sit in the same boat understand. Understand the complexity and the intensity of the experience.
      True, in dreams we can wake up, real nightmares in real world are more difficult to digest and deal with especially when it involves people we know and closer to us.

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  3. I’m comforted to hear that other people are looking at the same gloomy weather as I am. I don’t know why that’s comforting but it is. I hope you get some closure over your mother’s death. I’ll never get closure for my sister’s death. There will always be a lot of questions that have no answers. Only my sister knows what really happened and she’s dead and gone leaving the rest of us to wonder what went wrong.

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    1. There are so many things I wanted to ask my mother as well. Things that bother me, things that I’m not sure if they really happened or not, vague memories, places, people… things that can help me cope and place so I can live with it, things I never had the chance to ask when she’s alive.
      It is drizzling here non stop for three days now and the sky is a perfect recipe/decor for either horror or tragedy film.

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      1. yeah it’s looking pretty horror film worthy outside here too. I know how you feel. There’s a lot I’d have asked my sis if I had known the last time I saw her was going to be the LAST TIME EVER.

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