I don’t want to go to a coffee shop. It’s not my thing.

And even if I want to, I can’t. It’s 2:47 in the morning here.

I know, there is always tomorrow. But it will not make any difference. The answer will be the same. 

I can’t tell you any place or type of setting where I like to meet and socialize with friends or loved ones. I don’t socialize. My loved ones are not fond of socializing either. At least, not with me. My friends don’t exist. I don’t miss them. How can you miss something that is never there.

I don’t hate coffee. I drink it once in a while. Black. No milk, no sugar. Real men drink their coffee black. That’s what my ex used to say. But I’m not a man. I wish I am. Privileged creatures. I left my ex. He told me I have nothing to offer to a man. I just lie there dead he said. I told him It will take a real man to make me moan in bed. 

Remember the time we were told to let the scene write itself? Well, this scene is doing that right now; writing itself.

I didn’t even want to do this assignment today because I did it already before and I was not feeling particularly inspired so, I watch Robert Pattinson doing some hard work trying to act instead of just being there looking good. To me, he failed on both.

Standing over the sink munching the left over of baguette and some olives with garlic, suddenly I get the idea for this prompt. I thought: why not just follow my thoughts. So, here we are. I’m updating you with my mouth full.

What can I say? 

Nothing actually. Nothing that might interest you.

I can tell you that this week, I survived by the skin of my teeth. No details. I can tell you that the treatment did not work and I cancelled all my medical appointments. I have enough of hospitals and doctors and needles and vague specialists that don’t tell me anything concrete. I will cure myself. As always.

What else? I can tell you that I’m sad about Paris. Who isn’t?

I can tell you about how funny it is how humans can wrap their minds around things and fit them into their own version of reality. I can tell you nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. I can tell you how hard is getting up in the mornings and wishing sleeping was not something temporary. Or not knowing why you do what you do and keep on doing it. Or looking at yourself in the mirror and don’t feel like it is you.

I can tell you how hard it is to eventually, don’t feeling anything all day and just feel anguish when you realized the day has passed and you have feel absolutely nothing.

But it isn’t me. It’s those snippets of thoughts  I collected because they speak my language. I wonder sometimes if that’s the reality. 

How much more you want to hear before you bail out? 

People don’t want to hear or read depressing thoughts. They like to pretend that everything is A-okay. Nobody really wants to know the truth when they ask how you are. They are just being polite. Don’t rock the boat, don’t call attention to yourself, go with the flow follow the herd.

Fuck all that.

None is so blind than those who refuse to see.

You heard enough. 

If you’re brave enough to have a second date, let me know. But I will not hold my breath.

last night

45 thoughts on “If”

    1. The film I was watching a moment ago ended with the lead role jumping off a building. I didn’t see it coming. Not when everything was started to go right. Now, I am thinking that maybe is not such a bad idea. Going at peace. No, this is not a cry for help. Just a thought.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. The path of the lost is covered by self imposed craters. There are many disconnects in life. There are several times meaning is empty and thoughts have no connection. The same lack of connection with others. It may not change. It might change. You might care if it ever does. Tomorrow is not on the calendar. Only days of the week and month. The desert is full of life, you just have to look for it.


      1. You are entitled to you preferences. My meaning was not you do not belong. We all belong to what we wish. A clear head follows its own path. I wish you well and peace. The pratfalls are in front of us all.


  2. I am sending you good thoughts. If those don’t work, at least know that you made me laugh even with your dark thoughts, the part about Robert Pattinson. I hope things get better… ❤


  3. It takes courage to write uncensored thoughts, and I believe such thoughts are ones we can’t help but admire for their honesty, no matter how disturbing they may be.


  4. lol! love your dark thoughts. Those I could have but wouldn’t express cuz I’m much of a light bringer…
    At least you wrote something I’m still looking for ideas actually…


    1. We were in a party. A woman told me she’s going to get married with her partner. They have two kids. I asked her if she was going to get hitch out of love or out of practical reasons. Everyone at the table gasped. Someone said: “She dares to voice out our thoughts.”

      About the prompt. Ideas will come to you later.

      Liked by 2 people

  5. Thanks for sharing your feelings. For the last few days I see my writing is without emotion or feeling, some, not all. I go from being numb to sad and back again. This too will pass. I wish I had the strength to write what I really wanted to say.


    1. Why don’t you? I believe in freedom of expression. If you wish you can do it in cryptic manner as not to incriminate anyone or yourself but channeling our thoughts is really necessary sometimes. Everyone needs outlets.


      1. You’re right and maybe I need to do it in my journal and not something as public as my blog. I don’t want to hurt anyone and even the most cryptic of messages will bring out a point of contention, if that makes sense.


  6. Believe it or not this half-hearted day eleven post of yours is so interesting to read, I enjoyed it, I’m not pretending I mean it. You have written exactly how you feel, it’s an awesome piece of writing. 🙂 😦


  7. Everyone is sad about Paris. True. Everyone has 2:47 a.m. thoughts. Probably true, though most would not give voice to them. Yes, I guess everyone does try too hard to be normal and then laugh nervously to company when the attempt fails due to meal preparation, children, pets, or overall timing. And who knows? Maybe, too, from how we really feel. Normalcy is good, I guess. But when we try so hard to have it, might not that energy be put to better use? Say, in being ourselves. The diners here are twenty-four-hours open, I think because of breakfast. Central Pennsylvanians seem to worship breakfast. Maybe it’s a farming thing. I’m typically awake at 2:47 and beyond. For lack of normalcy in my life. Fancy that. Sometimes I make coffee. Usually, I don’t. But while I might think my own version of similar thoughts, I don’t set them down with such craft as you show here. The thoughts themselves are open wounds. The writing takes hold of us in our un-normal places, inside and without. So much good is accomplished here. Thank you.


    1. Your continuing support and understanding of the way I am express trough my writings is a motivation for me to go on and somehow a reassurance that I’m on the right track.

      I envy you 24 hours open diner. We don’t even have Seven Eleven here. I don’t live in the city. There are vending machines in gas stations but they don’t serve coffee. There is one on the side of the highway 10 minutes drive but the coffee is bad.

      My Keyboard sticks so I better stop


  8. I have to say that I REALLY like that you just let your thoughts carry you away in your blog post. It’s refreshing to see something so real and raw. I wish you a better week and thank you for being so honest in this post! The world isn’t always pleasant as we all know. You’re right, sometimes we gravitate towards non-depressing things but at the same time, there is such negativity in the world. Sharing your feelings and emotions isn’t bad. Complaining is a different story but you are definitely not doing that here. Your post flows and follows such a natural thought process that it was enjoyable even though it wasn’t “A-Okay” as you say! 🙂


    1. I like broadminded people like you. It makes conversation easier. Different point of view can be interesting and educational if it is done in open minded and respectful manners between adults.
      I ‘m glad you can appreciate honesty and don’t find my post whining. 🙂 Thanks for reading.


  9. This part is spot on:

    “People don’t want to hear or read depressing thoughts. They like to pretend that everything is A-okay. Nobody really wants to know the truth when they ask how you are. They are just being polite. Don’t rock the boat, don’t call attention to yourself, go with the flow follow the herd.

    Fuck all that.”

    I worry all the time about sharing certain things because I don’t believe people want to hear how I truly feel. They just want you to fake it. But I’m with you – Fuck that!

    And I think everyone has moments of despair — even people who are great at faking it. I think that’s why they only want to hear that everything is all cupcakes and sunshine — because if you’re “too honest,” it forces them to deal with their own true feelings.

    Also, I liked the Robert Pattinson bit — I have always been thankful for my sense of humor because some days, it’s the only thing that keeps me going!


  10. Life is not always happy, nor is it easily. If it was, there would not be therapists because people would not have problems to talk about. There would be no doctors because there would be no illness. If life was always good, we would not be talking about violence or sadness or destruction or anger or anything unpleasant. That is not reality and to continue ignoring real feelings and real problems only leads to things you cannot ignore because they have become larger than life. You keep being who you are and know that there are many out there who sometimes feel the way you do!


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