Ego

I watch myself getting uglier and uglier with each passing day, and I am not even beautiful to begin with.

The other day I tried to photoshop one of my pictures, I don’t like the result. It didn’t look right. Devoid of all the imperfections and the tell-tale signs of the passing of time, it wasn’t me anymore. So, I restored the photograph to its original state. I rather be ugly than be someone else. 

Photography by Nigel Tomm

Phase Out

Of all the technologies that have gone extinct in your lifetime, which one do you miss the most?

Jukebox! And vinyl of course, it goes without saying. I remember spending all of my lunch money on playing all my favorite songs. That was way back in the ’80s. Those were the days. When all the good music died. 

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Alert!

We seem to be experiencing deadliest heat wave these last few days and there is no improvement in sight according to the weather forecast. Today the temperature soars to staggering 37 degrees in the shadow and still is at this moment (19:30 hours) my (established) plants look dead even after soaking them pretty good this morning and yesterday evening. I can’t even begin to describe how I feel… Hopefully it ends soon.

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Ordinary Life

I open my eyes. I see that the sun is shining behind the lower corner of the curtain. It must be near noon. How long I’ve been sleeping, five-six hours? Surely no more than that. I went to bed around four, no five-thirty in the morning and didn’t fall asleep right away like always. Still, five-six hours is a lot more compare to other days. It is enough to sustain me for the rest of the day. And night.

I try to sit up in my mind but I know it is just a wishful thinking; it can never happen in reality. Not anymore. So, I roll to my right side. A blinding pain tearing all the way from my neck to my toes takes my breath away. I lie panting on my bed eyes on the ceiling. Wrong move. After a while, I slide my right  leg slowly till it almost hit the floor, then inch half of my body align to the leg; the rest, I keep where it is for balance. I don’t want to fall. That would be a complete disaster.

When I am sure it is okay to move, I put my other leg next to its twin and slowly slide myself out of bed using my butt as guide. My feet touch the floor, I breath a sigh of relief. Now the rest. Because going right is not an option, I twist my upper body to the left and use my left elbow as leverage. Now I’m half-way there. Putting all my weight on my left arm I push myself up to a sitting position. It works. I waited for a minute or two before standing up. Always a wise choice, otherwise I’m back to square one with more pain the ever.

I padded to the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. It never fail to amaze me, my reflection. It never shows my real age nor how I feel inside, emotionally and physically. I don’t know if I’m going to be glad about it. Sometimes, I wish it shows all the pain, all the sufferings, all the feelings bottled up inside. So, I don’t have to explain and watch disbelief in people’s eyes when they ask how I am.

I reach for a tube of toothpaste and almost pass out when another bolt of pain assaulted my upper right arm. I curse in every language I know, tears rolling down my cheeks. I forget I can’t move my right arm in certain positions. In fact, it is almost useless these days. The thing is, I am right handed. Can you imagine. And yet to teach my left arm to do things for me. I know I have to one of these days.

But to today I have to brush my teeth and do so by leaning forward so low my face almost touching the sink. I proceed washing my face that way too. Sitting on the loo is another matter. Sitting on the bidet to wash my private parts is even more an ordeal. I can’t reach so far under or behind. It tears my back apart every time I feel like dying. It is like having a baby all over again without epidural.

Done with my personal hygiene, I selected a loose fitting dress to wear. Today, I’m not going anywhere. Not until somebody comes home and take me wherever I wish to be. I hate that. Becoming more and more dependent. But what choice do I have? 

I lay the dress flat on the bed, lean forward and try to crawl inside. Putting it on the usual way is a big-no-no today. Some days it works when the pain is bearable, but not now. I have to remind myself to buy clothes with front buttons for occasions such as this. 

Somehow I managed to dress myself up and padded downstairs. One battle won. Now, breakfast…

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