At 10:00 o’clock yesterday evening, I was watching the movie ‘Tristan & Isolde’ when my gaze fell on a tiny split between the bricks just under the stairs. And I think to myself, wouldn’t it be nice if I could crawl in there, hide in the dark and simply disappear? Probably the right word is ‘evaporate’ for it is more appropriate to describe what I felt in that moment. I thought: if I stay in there long enough quietly without moving an inch, I could simply vanish. Or be like a piece of food or anything that could get rotten and turned into dust if left on its own for a long period of time.
But of course it doesn’t have to be that particular split between the bricks; it could be those tiny spaces also between the couch. Or simply orb like star-trek people do. But I don’t want to be beam-up to somewhere else; I simply want to vanish as if I have never existed. Or sleep a thousand years and wake up into a better world or do not wake-up at all.
I do not want to go to heaven or hell. Or have a place in paradise; (if I have, I will gladly give it to anybody) I simply want to…be gone. I keep saying to myself: ‘c’mon, pull yourself together, you can do it! You’ve done that for the last 30 years or so, you can do it now. Look at the sun, look around you…reasons enough to live. There are people who are in much worse situations than you are, consider yourself lucky and think about your kids…is that not reason enough? But I can’t. I cannot make myself believe that this life is worth living for.
Sure I’m luckier than some people. Yes, I pulled myself together all these years and I’m definitely thinking about the kids. (Am I not always thinking of them?) But I’m afraid things are finally catching up on me. I am living from borrowed times for a long period already, and my credit is long overdue. I passed my limit a long time ago; and yet I keep on going…ignoring all the signs, thinking maybe if I could stretch it some more I could reach there (where ever ‘there’ maybe) Now I’m tired. And I cannot ignore the signs no more. It’s time to rest. It’s time to crawl between those dark spaces; hide and finally dissolve into nothingness. To forever peace at last….