Forever

I used to be more impulsive. I do things in spur of the moment and never care what happened next. I was known to put all on the line for the things I would like to do. I can lose everything, it never bothers me. At least, I’ve had the experience. Those people who know me can only watch in disbelief. Once upon a time, I used to be… daring.

It’s different lately. Before I even consider making a decision, I would lay awake whole night worrying and fretting; only to stand up the next day without reaching to any conclusion what is the best to do.  Lately, I am not so sure anymore about anything.

And I hate it! I hardly recognize myself these days. Where is the sassy, confident, let-the-devil-may-care, adventurous, funny, happy-go-lucky- brave girl I used to know?

Gone! Creeping in is this unknown middle aged insecure, over-sensitive, ghostly individual who worries about anything and everything. Hateful!

Without me even knowing where (the hell) it’s coming from; thoughts of: what if he leaves me – find someone younger – the gravity is winning – house fire – traffic accident – robbery – homicide – bankruptcy – wheelchair – what he will do when I am gone – so many strangers – bills to pay –  family to kill – are populating what’s left of my brain.

Now, why these thoughts are spooking me? They were none of my concern? A long, long time ago; I used to be ALIVE! I could feel current in the air, electricity between people, hear the plants talk; smell the earth and beyond! Now, I am just…Dead!

Where is the tingling feeling? The anticipation? The power of attraction? The glorious excitement! The warm, sensuous expectation of something new! I miss those lazy moments of feeling fulfilled, content, seduced and belong!

Forgotten hilarious situations, naughty playfulness, strong desires and sweet innocence!  Those where the days! Where are they now? What happened? I cannot understand! Why am I changing? What is happening to me?

When I mentioned these to my daughter (between her goings to the fridge to check for something to eat (again) in her room she looked at me with poor-woman- she’s- in- denial-phase- looks on her face and said matter-of-factly:

“Mama, it’s called getting old.”

Old Mirror Standing Against Wall

 

30 thoughts on “Forever”

      1. I also have a sister who still out there searching… can’t bring myself to talk about her. I have not find a way yet to write about the things that hurt the most.

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    1. I’m trying my very best to alter that at this very moment. They say it’s better late than never, but sometimes I wish we realized these things when we were a lot younger. Now, the least we could do is try to cramp so many things in so little time like trying to close a valise that is overstuffed.

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      1. I guess the challenge then is to figure out what really is important, what matters most, and to balance that with life responsibilities.

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      1. It’s just another thing to worry about, isn’t it :p My thought is to stop worrying about worrying and maybe it will dissapear without me even realizing it?!

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  1. Very well written. Loved the photo. It’s true, life keeps on changing, our thoughts change, situations change, people around us change. But whats’s the use of having a mind if it can’t change? It’s alright to feel the way we feel sometime, but we know we can feel better. So, let’s go grab that youth back. We can do it. Let us listen to our heart and guide our mind. Let us feel young forever and ever. 🙂

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    1. Very nice concept, forever young. In fact, society and industries demand it these days. Sadly, no one got lucky yet to create or find the secret of eternal youth which leads to loads of unfortunate events trying to capture the elusive desire.
      Feeling better at every age and phase of life is more achievable and indeed what we have to focus on to live a more satisfactory life. Thanks for visiting and leaving comment.

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  2. Wow you are so right. We get sucked into this behavior of worrying about everything. Sometimes its not that we change though we merely lose interest in what use to at one point set us on fire

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  3. I started feeling that way about a year ago. I thought I was going crazy. I lost my zest for EVERYTHING. I had my hormones checked. BHRT (bioidentical hormone replacement therapy) saved my life. That feeling of anxiety about life. Gone. The feeling that I’m just trudging through life. Gone.

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    1. Really??? Perhaps I ought to try it. I’m always skeptical about modern medicine, funny when I used to work in that field, or maybe because of… Thanks for the info, i’ll into it. Anything that can make me feel better is worth trying.

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      1. Hey, thanks for the link. As I am approaching another phase of life, any help I could get is welcome especially the ones that can quiet all those ungrounded doubtful thoughts inside my head.

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  4. Now or Never

    A turtle flies through the universe.
    We ride on the back of the turtle.
    The Undergods dwell in Canandaigua,

    The Overgods look down from clouds.
    Even if we’re 300 moons away from
    When this mattered, most of our lives

    Are touched by one holy inspiration: nature.
    Cosmic coincidence should not amaze here.
    You are in the middle of the new awareness.

    Black rocks spin and dive in deep water.
    A four-year-old runs then swims.
    Relaxed willow provides humid shelter.

    You peek under the giant grass skirt
    And see four tangled feet. You don’t peek further.
    Gray locusts send twirling twigs to hair.

    You swim out to a cooler spot of deep water.
    The white snake, awake again,
    Leaves Bare Hill, not reeking havoc

    But cutting new creeks to hike along,
    Full of crawdads and water spiders.
    You retrace ancient steps. You sneak

    Through the old neighborhood, now trespassing.
    Four tangled feet, a few skipping stones
    And the spirit within you:

    Now awareness reigns. Corn presents
    A raw treat for passing minstrels. Nothing
    Talked about or noticed matters.

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