Forgetting

Each one of us has a way of coping with traumatic events that happened in our lives. Some go to therapy, others give it a place and charge it to experience, there are those that consume by hate and end up bitter ruining their chances to start again and have a happy life. Some decide to simply forgive and forget. I’m okay with forgiveness, but forget? No chance.

How about the ones who caused the trauma? Do they forget? Or pretend it never happened. I call it selective amnesia. Sometimes I wonder how my ex can live with what everything he did not only to me but to our children. Whenever I speak to him (which is rare and only if it’s really, really necessary) it is clear to me that he thinks he never done something wrong. I ask myself which is worse, the fact that he seems to forget, or believing it was my entire fault, like he often said when we were still living together. It never ceases to amaze me how he managed to do that. Is the concept of conscience nothing but a myth? Which brings me to another concept, karma. If Karma is real, how come so many bad people are thriving? They will receive their punishment later on judgment day? C’mon…

Mind you, I am not lily-white. I have my share of wrong doings. I maybe didn’t start the fire, but I helped to feed the flame after years of watching it done by someone else and learning how to do it myself. The difference is I own up to my mistakes. I know what I did and I still feel guilty sometimes. If the concept of conscience is real, then I have an army of it riding on my shoulders, whispering every so often, pulling my hair and kicking my head if I refuse to listen. They hold the filthy demons at bay and keep me on the right track. I can’t say I like them that much. They keep me from having fun sometimes.

Now, let’s go back to forgetting… Do people really forget? Of course they do. Little mundane things like car keys, meetings, birthdays, answers to exams, paying bills etc. But big traumatic events like: (do I dare to mention them? Better not I guess) I don’t think so. I have no idea what others do with them/theirs but me, I never forget. I am what they say blessed (or cursed) with photographic memory. But then again, maybe not, because whenever I talk to my siblings they seem to remember more (and in details) than I do. Perhaps people remember on their own way. That’s why probably most have different recollection of the same events. Like with my son. I was shocked one day when he recalled the process of my divorce with his father totally different than how I experienced it. And mind you, not so much on my favour. I was inconsolable for days after the confrontation. Why I seem to learn lessons the hard way?

What about you? What do you do with nasty memories? Bury them alive and wait till they die a natural death? Toss them in the wind, out of sight out of mind? Or treasure them, feed them with bitterness and hate till they grow into a full pledge of revenge? Tell me.

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header image: igbalnugraha

28 thoughts on “Forgetting”

  1. Give them to God and let him heal them as only He can do! No, we can’t forget, but we can come to the place where remembering doesn’t cause us such deep, sharp pain anymore. Hugs! I am not trying to say that giving them over to God is simple easy thing to do. Its a process. A process of going through the bitterness and the anger but knowing in the end that God was meant to carry our burdens and HIS shoulders are so much wider than mine!

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    1. I hear you.” Cast your burden upon me those who are heavily laden, come to me all of you who are tired and carrying heavy loads. For the yoke I will give you is easy and my burden is light. Come to me, And I will give you rest.”

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  2. Wonderfully and beautifully said. Alot to think about, as for me… I write, be it blog or personal journal. And, yes… often give it to God, over and over again (if I try to take it back)

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  3. I can so very much relate, I don’t understand how those whom say they “love” ya er da kids er family er whatnot when they do despicable things, deceit neglect and selfish denial seem to be the general way many deal with it 😦 an they blame the other for all that is! “faliure to recgonize ons personal error” is the greatest disease to mankind i believe besides what i have mentioned here before ….relax an take a big breath,,,,,,,, cuz even if we do not see it what is karma will appear and deal with the reality sooner than later. patience is our best defense an trying not to take it to personal, what others crazy minds do when they do it, take care – peace be wit ya this winterz day ! Q

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    1. That’s why I have my reservations when people say “I love you” What that means? Love is the most abused word in our time. In the name of love, a lot of terrible things happen. I rather have respect and care instead. Take care and glad to hear from again.

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  4. Hmm, my bad memories, I analyze everything. I will look at what I did, the perception of what they did. I am a strong in my beliefs of not apologizing in what I do or why I do them. Genuine reaction is genuine but I try to learn how others perceive them, I heard in a movie the phrase, “when I am right I am right, and when I’m wrong I’m right, because I could’ve been wrong.” right? I don’t know if that speaks to you but it speaks to me. What we do and what people receive are totally different things because they’re understanding different elements behind the action. some people may agree with and others very likely may not. But if you believe in yourself and can admit to your own doings then I don’t think it really matters what anyone else thinks, its all about delivering your self and finding your way. No one can change how you feel about you, but you.

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    1. Self justification and it’s just a matter of perception again. How anyone can be wrong when s/he thinks s/he’s right, right? I have a simple gauge for what is right and what is wrong: If anyone harm someone (or planning to) deliberately without valid reasons other than the person can, then it’s wrong no matter if s/he thinks it’s right.

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      1. Hey I always agree with you. 🙂 In my own understanding of course. Thank you for your thoughts. Your already making me a better person understanding is everything at least to me.

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  5. I just try to learn from the bad memories. There’s a pile of lessons in each one. I forgive and try to understand the lousy lout who did me wrong. Once I can see that jerk as human, I’m over it. And as for karma, I believe in instant karma. You can’t get away with anything, because when you do harmful or beneficial things it affects your demeanor. This, in turn, affects you relationships and the amount of joy you will get out of life.

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    1. Very well said. For the first time I agree with you completely on this one. Our inner thoughts affect our outward behaviour, that’s why unhappy people often are mean. Unless of course they are me 🙂 Joke. But then again maybe not. Let’s just say that I don’t blame anyone for my unhappiness. No one can make someone happy I believe, unless the person choose to be. Sadly for me, I’m born that way.

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  6. Oh my word!! I can connect with you here. I, too, can’t forget the trauma, Actually, my trauma won’t allow me to forget them. When you feel something so painful, so deep, it’s really hard to forget and sometime forgive too.
    For me, I just write, write till my heart feels light.

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    1. They say time heals every wound. In most cases it’s probably true. But there are some wounds that never heal, it keeps bleeding. Or only heal superficially, but under it remain fresh and bleeds if you accidentally scratch the surface.

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  7. I process a traumatic event by trying to understand it, then I accept it for what it was and move on. You never really forget it but time and acceptance remove its sting.

    “They will receive their punishment later on judgment day? C’mon…”

    For those of us who are heaven-bound this world is as bad as it gets.
    For those who are not heaven-bound this world is as good as it gets. So let them eat, drink and be merry in their selfish and sociopathic pursuits because this is all they have,

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    1. About heaven and hell, I find myself in the middle. I have doubts if these places really exist, but I don’t totally eliminate the possibilities. That’s why probably it is one of the reasons why I don’t commit suicide yet. Imagine if hell really exists and I will be punish for ending my life prematurely. One hard life is enough, I don’t want to suffer again elsewhere.

      “But time and acceptance remove its sting.” I like that.

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  8. I think people create their own version of events when they’re the one’s who cause the trauma. Justify it in some way to be able to move on and pat themselves on the back for being the “bigger” person.

    I know this is true in my recent experiences; that the person who caused me so much heartbreak believes he did the right thing and thinks he’s a modern-day martyr.

    I deal with my memories. I work my way through them; talk them out; write about them; pick them apart. Once I am satisfied, I lay them to rest and begin moving forward.

    I read this quote once and it made a lot of sense to me: “Life becomes a lot easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.”

    and

    “‘Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.’

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    1. I agree with the quotes and thanks for sharing them. I am not a vindictive person and that is probably my saving grace for I never become bitter. I never blame anyone for what happened to me, I’m just wondering about their state of minds.
      What you said here made me think of reaction and counter reaction, when people who caused traumas think that they do certain things because we made them do it. Like my ex putting the blame on me. I’m a bad person that is why he did those things or I deserved it, provoked him, etc. I wonder how much truth is in those accusations. Sometimes I wonder if we really are responsible, and if we are not somehow minimizing our parts in everything that happened. Classic thinking of an abuse person you might think, but I’m just like that, always want to see both sides of the coin.

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      1. I think nothing is ever black and white, as we all interpret the world subjectively. Your ex may really believe you are a bad person and justify his actions this way, and would swear on this until his death.

        What matters is what we know, and how we interpret our own world and actions. If you know you did not purposely seek out to hurt someone and that you live with integrity and by whatever principles govern your life, then all you can do is good by yourself.

        Does that make sense? I just think the things beyond my control aren’t worth my time. I cannot change someone’s perception of me or interpretation of a certain situation.

        Sorry, going off on a tangent!

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      2. I like what you said on second paragraph. I live mostly by these rules, and no you are not going the other way, it’s always nice to hear different point of view and it’s interesting to see that a topic can bring others into another set of thoughts.
        I agree with lingering with the things that are out of our control is a waste of time, but sometimes I can’t help but ponder those thoughts and writing them which I see as thinking out loud. Thanks for the input and take care always.

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