Limbo

I commented on someone’s post today about a book written by a woman who grew up in a country where she was an outsider. I said:

“As an immigrant who is by now living longer in my host country than my place of origin, I can relate so very much with her story. Though I tried so hard to fit in, I can’t change my appearance. I can never be one of “them” nor can I go back being what I was. I am hovering between worlds, not here nor there.”

Thinking about what I’ve said few hours later, it made me realize that being an outsider practically sums up my entire existence. Not only from my very own family but the world in general. Being “different” and introvert, honest and true to myself ensured that I will always be just outside the gate/perimeter of any community or group I happened to come across roaming on this planet.

Which reminds me of something I wrote a while ago…

‘Home’ can be a very complicated concept… It gets confusing when people ask me where I call, ‘home’. It’s an emotive word and I can’t really answer the question in a single sentence.

In a day-to-day sense Europe is home… after living here for over 27 years, how could I not consider it that way… but sometimes I wonder if when people ask about ‘home’ do they mean someone’s roots? If so__ it could even get more complex since I don’t have neither of the two. As for the reasons why… well, I can’t give an easy answer to that, not even in a whole paragraph. Come to think of it, I need at least few volumes to deal with the issue…

Someday, I too will going to write a memoir about growing up as an outsider, about my time living with ghosts and goblins and other unspeakable creatures. I will probably give it a title like: Rolling Stone, Fragments Of Forever or simply Limbo or Purgatory. I will talk about buying myself a life sentence looking for my rainbow connection, looking for the place where I belong, the safe haven most people called home…

images: VincentNoir and BenMRHall

Why am I here?

Why I am here blogging publicly instead of keeping a private journal…

The initial answer to this question is: I don’t know.  Perhaps I like the way my writing looks in black and white, sorted out in a blog page and accompanied by interesting images. It’s like decorating a house; you can continue tweaking it till you are satisfied and add some more.  If you get tired of the layout, you can change, delete and tweak again. One thing I love about online journaling is the fact that it is easier to adapt it to one’s taste and clean, especially clean. With one swift motion, you can erase anything that is not according to your taste, you can correct grammar too, with or without tools. Sometimes people offer (un)solicited advice which help you to grow as a writer.

Speaking of help, there are so many ways to further hone ones skills in writing being offered online like this Blogging U. courses which are not only extremely helpful but fun as well. Something which are not readily available when writing a personal diary. So, that’s probably why I’m doing it publicly.

About topics… well, I don’t have specific topics in mind since my blog is a personal reflection of my day to day thoughts and past experiences hence all my posts are labeled uncategorized.

Again, I have no certain audiences in mind when I started publishing. Anyone who can relate, feel addressed, interested or simply curious are all welcome as long as they are willing to exercise respect and common courtesy while visiting my page.

What I hope to accomplish in blogging… to impart knowledge and lessons learned from my mistakes as I stumble and fall through life. Hopefully, it will give some people head start in dealing with unforeseen circumstances, and to entertain them a bit with my anecdotes and unusual encounters.

I hope this gives the readers and fellow bloggers some insight about me and what my blog is all about.

Perfection

Leafing through a magazine, I saw an interesting article. This is the paragraph that caught my attention:

“I have an entire wardrobe of I am planning to lose weight. I have had this wardrobe for years and I continue to add to it. I am building a wardrobe for a life I do not have and will probably never have. For a theoretical life that does not really matter because nobody is telling me that if I do not lose weight, I will not be loved.”

At first, I found this revelation hilarious. Maybe because it is somewhat recognizable even though I don’t reach (thank you Lord) that state yet and still fit in most of my clothes from 25 years ago (yes I keep clothes that long- fashion recycles itself, no?) but on second thought when the message really sinks its claws into my understanding I begun to realize that sooner or later we are going to get there (I know I held the time at bay for the longest period without really trying but lately…) whether we like it or not.

Either it is about weight, gravity winning or something else, time is everybody’s nemesis and deep down inside, if we are being honest to ourselves, we can all hear that little voice inside our heads telling us what we fear the most; that we are not going to be loved if we don’t look like a certain way…

images: rockgem and smth_fresh