Insomnia

I always preach believing in destiny, that every life in this realm is pre-destined; that each person’s ending was already written before s/he is even born, trying to alter it will only result in the same outcome; much like a series of interlacing highways which all lead to the same destination, one can choose the easy way or the hard way, short or long, but will always end up where we have to be__ so why bother?

This I always tell myself every time I think of the opposite, but not even once I ever feel it’s true; and worry, I will always do.

Same with all the riches I can acquire and accumulate here in this world which they say (and I have no reason to believe it is not so) I cannot bring over there wherever that is but it doesn’t stop me from purchasing a more bigger house than I need and furnishing it to my taste with the things that are not really necessary, or driving a luxury car and buying a lot of clothes while it is more easier to lay back and let the destiny take care of everything because if it’s meant to be, it is meant to be, right?

(Or) wrong, because the more I get older the less I know and understand and the more I get scared of everything and nothing.

I could be happily sauntering into a perfect day and suddenly out of the blue I will experience anxiety attack and the funny thing is… I don’t even know what I’m getting anxious about. All I feel is this sinking feeling of ill-omen in the pit of my stomach. A very strong visceral fear of something bad about to happen and I would not like it a single bit, even worse still: that I am totally powerless to stop it.  

 And the only reason I could think why the feeling scares me is because I’m afraid to lose what I have. And the more you have the more you become scared of losing it, because if one has nothing to lose, one has absolutely nothing to be scared of. And that is a never ending circle.

Mind you, I’m aware that there are some passages in the bible which talk of these worldly thoughts and possessions. But how can someone be not worldly when one is living in and about this world. Yeah, yeah, I know all about spiritual contentment and so on, but where can one draw spiritual inspirations these days? Not from those charismatic spirituals leaders for Christ’s sakes!  And reading the holy book is not actually enlightening either, in fact often times it is confusing. But I’m sure there are some “brave” people who would say they understand the Holy Scripture fully. Yeah, yeah, aren’t they all?

Pretty scary whenever I hear someone say that. The last time I heard something resemble to it was from an aspiring pastor whom I dragged in court for sexually molesting my 15 year old niece. And to these days, he doesn’t even admit that he done something wrong. He said he is willing to marry her and pay for her studies. So, I asked him where he thinks he will get the money to do that; from his sister who was then an entertainer in Japan or from his parents’ meagre budget for his 11 other siblings. He cannot even educate himself that’s why he settled to be an aspiring pastor so he can live off other people’s pockets. 

And before someone crucify me by saying all of these, may I say that it’s based on my personal opinion and experience only and nowhere near generalizing whatever whoever might think I’m generalizing about.

So, relax… I’m not out for debate of any kind (unless one insists but before anyone does so, be sure arguments are well grounded please because I will never go in battle with an unarmed person nor I prefer to wrestle with a pig)  being just said that where am I?  Ah, yes… I’m merely expressing my thoughts and exercising freedom of speech in my own space simply because I cannot sleep again.

Note that I’m speaking random topics in random orders about nothing really in particular. In fact, I don’t even know what/where I’m getting at or how to conclude this so I better stop here…

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4 thoughts on “Insomnia”

  1. Hi – I also sometimes get a “sinking feeling of ill-omen in the pit of my stomach. A very strong visceral fear of something bad about to happen and I would not like it a single bit, even worse still: that I am totally powerless to stop it.”
    And I have nothing – my worldly possessions fit into three large plastic containers.
    Perhaps it’s just random chemicals going amiss in the brain – or we are picking up on more than our share of universal angst 🙂

    Like

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