Heyday

Sometimes (?) if I see young women (early-late 20s) with their firm breasts and even firmer butts which (almost) probably untouched (yet) by cellulites and guaranteed stretch marks free, not to mention their flat stomachs and bellies and even tighter p***ies,  all of a sudden I think of D.

I wonder if it doesn’t cross his brain (duh?) to caress those fresh, young bodies rather than my own corpus delicti (I know, I know but I have my reason to use the term, time is the assassin, the culprit, the guilty party etc.) which is getting more and more decayed with each passing year.

Sometimes, I (idiotically) ask him if these thoughts cross his mind once in a while and he would answer: “Of course not.” (What did I expect he would say???) With matching big eyes and a whole range of emotions which varies from shock to disbelief to (I suspect) pretend injury to his feelings and seems genuine enough annoyance. And I thought: how long he practiced these expressions? He must have, because every time I brought up the subject, the emotions become more and more convincing and complex. Or maybe it’s just me…

But I have my doubts. If I can conjure it up, he must be having the same thoughts.  It’s difficult to believe otherwise. Men are visual. Sights turn them on, especially a panoramic (I have to add 3D to the list of criteria to choose from, said Mr Smarty Pants) vista of lush greenery and perfect peaks.

In good days I sometimes think what the heck, I am what I am and I’m getting old. He said he knew this before he asked me to marry him. He realized I will get older sooner/faster than him, and it doesn’t matter he said because: he loves me. It could be true but it matters to me.

I see my body (and my face) changing each day. Literally altering shapes before my eyes and it does something with my ego and self-confidence. Some days more than the other. I know I could sport, diet, live healthy, preserve myself as well as I can, stand on my head; but time catches up on everybody. There is no exception.

It’s a bit comforting to know that those firm breasts/butts, flat stomachs/bellies and tight p***ies will soon have thoughts like mine. But for the meantime, they can parade shamelessly in full confidence and I can do nothing but feel envious and sometimes think of my glory days and hope/ pray that D. won’t wake up soon/ever, or at least pretend he doesn’t really see what I’m seeing, or seeing them in a different perspective at least…

Old Mirror Standing Against Wall

3 thoughts on “Heyday”

  1. I’ve been that guy. Looking, wondering, wishing, but not doing. I too professed my innocence, but she knew. I also experienced the pangs of doubt when she would laugh at someone’s joke, or seek someone’s attention, or listen raptly while someone spoke. Was I not funny or interesting or intellectual enough? But I knew that time would catch up with the someone’s as well because they weren’t as funny or interesting.

    Jealousy is a matter of perspective, or maybe keeping one’s perspective.

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    1. You’re comment landed somehow in my spam folder. Luckily I saw it in time. Ironically enough your words remind me of something my husband said to me. That he always feel he is not good enough for me, that any random guy in the streets would be better, those sort of things. I guess we can’t escape the green eyed monster no matter who and what we are. Thanks for giving us your opinion on the subject. Much appreciated.

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