You keep flooding my inbox. It’s been five years. You never forget. You want to still be friends. This puzzled me for we never been something else.

That’s why we have to meet, you said.

Against my better judgment, I agreed.

We’re going to swim. Not far, a block from where I live. I asked D.’s permission. What I was thinking? Did I expect him to say yes? He trusts me he said, but he will never trust you.

It’s always up to me to decide.  I’m allowed to have friends, I am not? You asked.

Anyone but not you D. said.

Why? Marriage is not a prison you insisted. Granted, but it’s getting complicated…

I thought after all these years, you have given up. But you keep sending me messages asking how I am. Most of them I ignored. I don’t want to give you false hope when I have nothing to give. I respect you enough not to do that.

You just want to be friends, nothing more nothing less. You promised.

BS said D. You want more than friendship, always were and always will be. Otherwise, you had forgotten me a long time ago already. It must be the case of: you always covet something you cannot obtain, he added.

He doesn’t have to be jealous. It’s supposed to be the other way around, D. is the one who is living and sleeping with me. You’re dying to trade places, you said.

There is something I must admit though, seeing you yesterday with that woman and staring at your romantic photos together made me think of a lot of things, like: is she willing to share your “hobby”? Is it the real thing this time or another attempt to chase a fantasy? I even sent a message to you (one of my few) expressing my desire for you to find happiness and contentment, wishing you all the best in the world. And I really mean it.

At the same time, looking at your smiling face next to your new found love (?) I cannot help thinking: it could be me. Yes, it could have been, if I am not what I am.  Adventurer daring eccentric fearless wild weirdo but still… not crazy enough to venture that road you wanted to take.

Why I seem cannot fully sever the umbilical cord when it comes to you?

Maybe because we can talk. I mean, really talk, without fear of being misinterpreted. (Perhaps the misinterpretation happened already a long time ago) You never tell me something offensive, always keeping the conversation light and funny.  With you, I could be myself.

Another thing:  you’re the only person I know who really walk the talk. I admire that.

If you are not what you are, I have chosen you over D. you said you know and that makes everything extra difficult. The option will always be open, indefinitely; in case I change my mind. You made sure I understand this. Then you asked if I never wonder sometimes…

That one simple kiss could change everything if I allow… that it’s better to know than spending our lives wondering…

I told you no_ and that’s the truth. Like I said before, I never deliberately stroll into blind alleys.

Honest to the core, you confessed your recent adventure in the funny farm. Three months you stayed there. The death of your mother and the current suicide of your brother must have been too much, even for you. I’m glad you’re out in the real world again.

You could have told me the story when you came to dinner. I preferred it. But you never mentioned. You must have reasons.

Anyway, there is no visible damage I could see.

I don’t know about psychological and emotional aspect though. I will not ask. It’s not my concern.

I still want to be friends.  We have a lot in common.  I admire your courage, your willingness to try; you’re not scared to invest. Others might stay clear off the kitchen after being burned severely, but not you… you stumbled and fall, run into the wall just like the song but after picking yourself up, you go full steam ahead. Good for you.

There is one problem though.

I am not sure if I’m willing to compromise my marriage in exchange… 


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