I deleted all the names in my contact list, except yours. Somehow, I cannot bring myself to do it. I know. My choice. But still…
I think of you when I saw some films that I know you like. I was tempted to go to the film festival, but then again… I changed my mind. Like always.
I wonder if you can read me. You were here even before I came. Then, you disappeared. But your profile is still there. I look at it secretly from time to time.
Foolish isn’t it? When there was the time that I could have you. Really could have you.
You were so shy when we’ve met for the first time. The memory never failed to put a smile on my face. The way you keep looking at my lips! And blushing! Funny for such a big man. You towered over me. I must look like a miniature doll next to you.
Remember the box? You delivered it to my doorstep. You rang the bell and disappeared! Hiding probably, watching me in my pyjamas, searching for the unknown caller. Silly.
I tried to scare you by showing who I really am. Exaggerated even. But nothing can keep you away. Not even D.
Unlike all of them, you are true. Even online. You told me exactly who and what you are. You have given me the choice. I chose not to. Silly of me. I thought I had lost you. But I was wrong. You offered friendship. I declined that too. Stupidity I might say.
It was almost two years now. I had forgotten you for the most part. But lately, your memory comes creeping back in. Perhaps because there is nobody like you.
Accepting me totally for what I am. Never shy away from all my peculiarities and darkness. You see me as normal. That’s wonderful.
I was thinking if the bike trip you planned with your brother will take place next year. Just like you said it would. If…be careful and have fun. Remember me sometimes. If you could. would . want.
I asked you to be my best man. You said you are more suited to be my husband than anyone. But you cannot offer me what D. could. One of them is stability. You are a wanderer like me.
You declined the offer and begged me not to do that to you. I understand you cannot bear to be there.
It was ironic that I am writing about you on my blog while I never answer your calls, letters, and offline messages. I cannot say I regret.
Send my regards to your mother. I hope she’s all and well. The last letter you sent me spoke differently. Pity I didn’t reply. Another of those things I do, burning bridges while still walking on it. But that’s one of my specialities, putting up walls and burning bridges and avoiding people. Can’t help it; intimacy terrified me. It might be a curse or a blessing, I don’t know. One thing I am sure though is: my heart is still intact. Safe and sound and in its proper place.
And that’s how I intend to keep it…”